Help me!!

*Update...I finally figured out a different way of doing it, it's not the same look but it works for me. :)

~

This is totally a lame thing to post about but I am so irritated by it that I thought I'd ask you all a question in hopes that someone has the answer. I'm computer dumb so when something goes wrong I'm out of luck most times. I can not get a header picture that is the right size anymore. I use to click on the little box that says shrink image to 660 pixels and then I would download a picture from my computer out of my photo files, but now when I do that the picture doesn't shrink and it's just a up close corner of the photo that downloads. I have tried over and over again and tried using different pictures and such and it keeps doing the same thing. I've never had a problem before when I switched pictures. Ugggggg! I love pictures and want a nice photo at the top of my blog and I can't get it to work!! So maddening!!

You might want to skip this one, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I went and got my hair cut tonight and I H.A.T.E it. I don't know why I always think I should get a hair cut when I am feeling crummy about myself, because it rarely turns out well. It's horrid. I think I might cry. Trying to not act to upset about it because we really didn't have the money for me to go out and spend on me, but my husband was really sweet and told me to do it anyways. And then I come home and all I can do is fight back tears. All he wanted was for me to feel better. It's only hair. It will grow. But I was just feeling so poorly about myself, after baby and all, and now, well now I just went and made it all worse. Okay now I am crying...officially feeling sorry for myself..blah.

I'm so not kidding people...

I mentioned in a prior post that lately I get a minimal amount of showers per week.

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This is why...

In the 10 minutes it took me to take a quick shower the other night, Spike got a big ol' shiner right under his eye, and Atty (can't have wheat, gluten or DAIRY) got into some ones milk. Which will make for a long night and you don't even want to know what his digestive track will be like tomorrow (let alone his behavior). And no I did not leave them alone to fend for themselves, my husband was "watching" them.
My husband was also "watching them the other night when I left to have drinks (the Starbucks kind) with some friends. I rarely go out and this is why...as I am buckling my baby girl (note that I am still not going out alone) into her car seat I see motion out of the corner of my eye. I look up and there are two naked little boys running across my front yard. Normally I tell my husband to put the alarm on just to be safe, the one time I didn't, this is what happens. Good thing we hadn't pulled away yet because when I went screeching into the house dragging the boys behind me, my husband was in the kitchen, oblivious. His only redeeming factor was that he was washing the dishes.
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So next time when I am complaining on here that I Never go out, and I Never get to take a shower...or even get a moment peace...now you know why.
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...and yes I am feeling sorry for myself...sniff, sniff...and a tear...

rough patch

My house is a mess. My boys are a handful and then some. I've had one shower and one bath in the last 8 days. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm edgy and grumpy. My husband had to go back to work on Monday and since I don't like asking people for help, I'm on my own. I managed to do one load of dishes on Monday, nothing on Tuesday, and although my house is falling apart at the seams it's not looking like I have the will to clean today either. My house has never been this messy, and it is driving me crazy, but just adjusting to four kids four and under and the demands of an (extremely sweet and calm) infant is wearing me thin. Seriously if my little strawberry wasn't the angel that she has been I might have had a total melt down by now, but so far I'm still hanging in there. Maybe I should focus on what I have done.

*

I have pushed out a big beautiful baby girl, that was no easy task! I've managed to only freak out on my husband one time in the past week. I've done pretty good at over looking the little stuff that usually drives me crazy (sort of) or at least not addressing it right now. I've managed to feed and cloth and even give my boys a bath this week. I took them all to the library yesterday when we had hit a wall and it was going to get real ugly if we didn't get out. I managed to get them all in and then back out of the library with out much fuss and we even stopped at a park for a bit on the way home. I've managed to spend one on one time with all my boys during the past week to remind them of how special they are to me, and to try to make up for all my grumpy in between.

*

I know this overwhelming part only lasts so long. I know I will be feeling better soon and life will flow the way it is suppose to. I know that I just need to tuck my head down and force my way though this rough patch...but...that knowledge is not making me feel better right now. I'm thinking it might be a crying in the shower sort of day, if I could even take a shower.

Melt down then get it together...

Last night I threw my hands up in the air, declared, "I'm taking a bath", went into the bathroom turned on the water and proceeded to bawl like a baby. Because I'm tired. Everything hurts. It's overwhelming. I can't even keep up with my own schedule at this point, and it's all down hill from her until well after the baby is born. I've been hitting a wall around 5 pm, I am on the go all day long, keeping up with what needs to be done for the most part, but by evening I am burnt out and sore and I just want to be done, but there is always so much more that is left undone no matter how I wore myself out during the day. My belly is huge, I can't get around like normal, my feet ache, my back aches, I can't sleep right, it goes on and on. So I cried. Because I needed a good cry, even if there wasn't a specific reason. Even if it was just a pregnant melt down. I'm perpetually exhausted right now, and I'm like a little child that way, when I'm too tired I just need a good long cry about nothing, or everything, which ever way you want to look at it. I finished up my short bath as my sobs melted away, got out and went straight back to doing what needed to be done. Because we all know that just because we don't want to do it doesn't mean it goes away, and I don't know about you but when I put things off they just pile up and it gets worse and worse, right?! A good hard cry is sometimes just what I need to keep going. Melt down in the shower (it was a bath last night because that's how tired I am I didn't even want to stand up) and then get it together and get back to work, that's my mode of operation. What do you do when things get too overwhelming?

My life in a nut shell

It was a long week.

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All the regular every day busyness of raising three boys three and under, and caring for three additional childcare kids for an average of 12 hours a day all together. On any given day I have 6 kids in my house under the age of 6, most of them boys! The cooking, the cleaning, the dishes that never stop, the (messy) projects, the story reading, playing with, refereeing, bum wiping, laundry, constant picking up after, and multi-tasking a million different mini-catastrophes in 24 hours is a repetitive never ending process. Add to that the scrap booking I have been trying to catch up on, and the HuGe batch of apple sauce I made this week, the apple crisp, more apple sauce, and the peaches I prepped for the freezer, and you have one over whelming week for a pregnant lady. Then like the cherry on top of this chaos pie add to that this end of the week experience.

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I had to do my grocery shopping last night as tired as I was. I have a busy weekend ahead and knew I would never be able to get it done before the weekend was over. So after I waited patiently (ha, ha) for my husband to get home and shower so that I could leave I hurried out the door. List in hand I crawled into the van, it was around 6 :30 and I hadn't eaten dinner first. Not a good idea. Got to the grocery store and moved robot style through the isle grabbing what I needed. Filled the cart to the max as usual and pushed it along on aching feet to the check out counter. Lady starts ringing up my groceries, small chat, lie and say I'm feeling great, how about her? Reach into my purse and at the same time get the sinking feeling that my wallet isn't in there. Yeah. A good portion of my groceries are rung up at this point. I blurt out that my wallet isn't in my purse while I am still frantically looking for a wallet that I know isn't in there, and that I need to check my van. This has never happened to me before. I was mortified, the lady was so sweet though and said she would just save them for me. I told her I might have to go all the way home (which I did!) and she was still sweet. So home I rushed at almost 8 pm to find my wallet, I might have started to hyperventilate and I was definitely sobbing when I flew into the house frantic for my wallet which I had left on the top of the computer desk after ordering a present for Bubu's up coming birthday. My husband offered to go back but I was so freaked out when I left the store that I couldn't remember what check stand I had been at and only remembered what the oh so kind lady looked like. So I had to walk back into the store, swollen eyes and all (at least I had been able to force myself to stop crying on the way back) and pay and wait for the groceries to be hauled back up front. So. Stinkin. Embarrassing. I know I looked like a crazy pregnant mess at that point, and I was starting to feel dizzy because I needed to eat and I was still choking back tears and trying to put a fake smile on my face. Horrid. Got home, helped put kids to bed because now it was past bedtime for them, before I finally got to eat at 9, what a night. Nothing ever seems to be simple in my life I swear.

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Next time someone asks me what I do for work I am going to tell them I am a multi-tasking, mini-catastrophe handling manager of a large Enterprise. I take no vacations, or sick days and I work 14-24 hours a day 365 days a year...no wonder I can't keep my head on straight! Ahhhhh...now I like that...that made me feel just a little bit better. If I had thought of that while I was standing in the grocery store last night I might not have felt so frustrated with myself.

:)

The fourth of July and all that went with it.

So my fourth of July started out an uneventful day which is always nice around here. While looking for bug spray to pack for that nights festivities (because I know now that mosquitoes wait for July 4th and then come out in swarms.) I ran across my old bag of fingernail polished. I haven't painted my nails in probably about 3 years and I notice that there was some red nail polish in there so I thought, oh what the heck. First mistake. I should know better then to try to be girly at this point. So I painted my nails and toe nails bright red and they looked great if I do say so myself, the boys wanted in on all the fun so I painted their toenails too, why not being as it was a patriotic color and all. Then I went and watered my garden and kept my nails intact which I was feeling pretty proud of. I cleaned house, packed for the evening fun, gave the boys a bath, dressed them in super cute matching t-shirts (I know I'm bad) and did their hair, put on a dress (!) and make up (!), made a patriotic red, white and blue fruit salad (which was super yummy and a big hit I might add) and when my husband got home I was frantically running around trying to make sure I had everything and wanting to get out the door on time because I HATE being late. I asked him to map the directions and went to get hoodies for the boys to hide in when the mosquitoes came for dinner. This is when it all went wrong. I came back down the hall, walked around the corner with my hands full of hoodies, and my jaw dropped to the floor. There before me was my red head crouched down and elbow deep in RED NAIL POLISH WITH RED NAIL POLISH SPREAD FINGER PAINT STYLE ACROSS MY TILE FLOOR WITH A GUILTY LOOKING SPIKE ALSO STARING UP AT ME WITH RED POLISH COVERING HIS HANDS!!! I screamed people, I hyperventilated I'll admit it. I freaked the funk out. I didn't know which one to grab first. I desperately grabbed for both while screaming at them to not wipe there hands on their brand new not even worn out of the house yet shirts. Which is what Spike had already started to do, you know to hide the evidence. So now I am marching Atty down the hall holding his hands and freaking out when I hear "he has it on his shoes" and I look back to red prints following us down the hallway. I think at that point my head popped off, and went rolling away, I know I lost my head and went crazy for a moment. After frantically scrubbing my floor with fingernail polish remover and scrubbing the boy's hands with the same, calling my friend who had invited us to the party and through tears telling here we would most definitely be late, I looked at the shirts I had just got them and broke down. I went into my room and bawled like a baby. I know it sounds stupid to cry over something like this, but I had just had enough. Everything always seems too hectic around here, and I had just wanted to have a nice night with my boys and get to where we were going in one piece with out smelling like finger nail polish remover and having stained up t-shirts on. Plus I ruined my nails and had already cried off all my make up so what was the point really? If I had never got that stupid red nail polish out none of this would have ever happened, I knew there was a reason I never get very girly. Oh it went on and on and on and honestly if Bubu hadn't been such an angel through it all and hadn't been looking forward to the night so much I wouldn't have left my room. But I'm glad I did. I left the shirts on the boys red stains and all, grabbed some sunglasses and marched out that door. The fresh air was good because at that moment my house smelled like a beauty parlor. Stinky!

You can't tell that there shirts are stained in this picture, thank goodness, in fact they all just look like sweet young boys (who happen to have fro-hawks) in fact in this picture you might not even be able to tell that the two youngest just caused there mother to have an emotional melt down. If it wasn't for the evidence left on there shirts no one would ever know.

chowing down on the good stuff waiting for the fire works.
The culprit wasn't so keen on the fireworks again this year, he kept saying "go away fire" and "nigh-nigh" I don't think he has ever asked to go to bed...that is by far not normal. He clung to me, snuggled into my sweat shirt, squeezed his eyes shut and ended up falling asleep. Which was better then the non stop screaming and crying of last year. He wouldn't look at a single fire work, flat out doesn't like them. It's just to over whelming for him.

The other culprit was unsure but he did watch out of the corner of his eye from the safety of his daddy's lap. Bubu was so brave this year, he jumped when the first set when off, but he sat in awe in his own chair squeezing daddy's hand for the rest of them. He had been looking forward to fireworks all day and he kept saying "This is so cool", he is really such a doll. We had the best spot to watch the show. We were practically right under them in some ones backyard. Their yard was right next to the field that the city shoots the show off at, so instead of having to fight for a sort of good spot at the park, we got super seats up front and center. It was the coolest fire works show I have ever seen.

Ohhhhh, ahhhhhh, wow...they went on and on, so much fun I almost forgot about the red fingernail polish catastrophe. Almost.

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The following day I became determined to remove the polish from the boys shirts, so I did what I always do when looking for ideas, I googled it. Ha ha...seriously I did. There were all sorts of ideas on there, so I wrote some of them down, and started in. First I tried hydrogen peroxide but since the stain was already dried it didn't do a thing. Then I moved on to scrubbing at the stain with baking soda, still no such luck. So now I am getting frustrated, the tears are springing back into my eyes. Blame it on the pregnancy hormones or the fact that things are already so stressful enough right now that I am falling apart if you look at me wrong. Either way I'm back to crying when hubby walks out of our bedroom that he is painting. He was on his way to the store and stopped to check on me. He asked me if there was anything else to try and I told him all the other stuff sounded stupid and I didn't feel like trying them. Then he saw something on my list of things to try that you could get from the store and he said he would look for that for me and headed out the door. Before he left he told me I really shouldn't be at the dinning room table and I crossly replied that I had a bunch of towel under the t-shirt, I wasn't an idiot. I then moved on to try fingernail polish remover another idea that had mixed reviews on whether it worked or not. Yeah it doesn't work with dried on red nail polish. In the mean time Bubu got stung by a bee on his foot for the first time and started crying really hard from the back yard so I went flying out the door to see what the matter was. I brought him in, made a paste out of baking soda and water and gave him a snack to distract him (of course all of them got a snack, you can't feed just one). Then I picked up the t-shirt to move it off the table so they could eat and my heart sank. You guessed it I'm sure, I am an idiot and I screwed up our brand new dinning room table. Part of the table stain was now on the t-shirt that I was still trying to get red polish out of. I don't know which was worse that I am an idiot or that he was right. So if you don't have me figured out by now, I lost it again and turned into a blubbery mess. I seriously cried for a freaking long time and I couldn't hide in my room because there was no one else to watch the boys, and I couldn't stop and I just laid on the couch with my head buried in a pillow and cried and cried and cried. Until my eyes were swollen. My poor boys, although you couldn't really tell if it phased them or not because they just kept eating their snack and then got down to play...except Bubu he's pretty sensitive. Any who to make an incredibly long story shorter my hubby finally came home with the bottle of spray and I had by that point sort of got myself under control so I set back in on the stain, because it had become personal at this point. The grout in my tile is hot pink, the table is ruined, I've already removed the red polish from my ruined nails... I am going to get those stinkin' stain out! So I grab the bottle and start spraying, and I couldn't believe my eyes the stuff actually worked. I kid you not...It took lots of spraying and rubbing and flipping the shirts inside and out to treat both sides but the polish came out! The stuff is called Motsenbocker's Lift Off 3, I guess there are different types for different stains, but this is the one that works for fingernail polish as well as a bunch of other stuff listed on the bottle. So seriously if you've ever had a run in of any sort with finger nail polish, especially when it's already dried on, use this stuff. I've now run the shirts through the wash twice, once with Oxiclean and once just to rinse them one last time and they look great, I am going to try it on my hot pink grout next and I am hoping it will work a miracle there too.

So that was my weekend. Melt downs, fun times, more melt downs and now back to our normal. A normal that borders on crazy. My life with boys.

There is no title for this one...

Things are a bit stressful over here. I won't go into it too much, because I've learned my lesson about blogging when emotional (I think), but lets just say my husband has lost his marbles. On top of being laid off and under financial strain in addition to another baby on the way, his mother is dying from cancer at age 50 and he is having a hard time keeping it together. He copes with stress by withdrawing from us all and going back into some old patterns that are hurtful to all involved including himself, it's always very upsetting to me...he has been in an extremely selfish mode the last couple weeks. I have drawn his attention to it, and he seems to be coming up for air, so I'm hoping we can work together as one again soon. In the mean time I am stressed to the max and feeling a bit depressed. I want to be there for him, but because of his behaviour as of late, I am angry with him also. It's overwhelming to feel so conflicted.


If you are a praying person and you feel like praying for a stranger I sure could use your prayers. Because when things get like this I feel like crawling into bed, pulling the covers up over my head and never coming out. Of course I can't do that because I have a bunch of little blessings running around the house that need their mother, so I need to find the strength to keep on going even if things seem impossible right now.

I rewrote this post about a million times and then couldn't decide whether to post it or not, and then I figured I spent so much time writing and deleting I might as well post it. What we are dealing with here is very personal and not something I can really write about and what I can write about sounds stupid and meaningless, but just know that I needed to vent, even if I could only vent a little bit.

Sucks

Yesterday I deleted all of my pictures off of my camera on accident. Every picture of Ira's second birthday. His family birthday celebration, his birthday party, every single one. There was only one other camera at the party and they only took a few pictures. That is all I will have of my baby boys second birthday. I always make them special birthday pancakes that are shaped like the number of how old they are and a heart and then they get there picture taken with them in the morning and I lost those too. Every single one. My camera was full of pictures that I was just getting ready to download. It had beautiful pictures of the date that my hubby and I went on to the beach for our anniversary. We hadn't been out together in, I don't even know how long, and it was wonderful and of course I have those memories. But pictures mean a lot to me also if you haven't noticed and I am so sad that I lost those pictures too. Belly pictures. Pictures of another hike we went on. Every single one. I don't think I really even want to know all the pictures that I lost, the camera was full. I bawled. Like a baby. I had to go hide in my room, and cry my eyes out while my husband watched the kids. Then I cried every timed I talked about it all day long. Good grief I'm crying right now, this sucks...I'm such an idiot. I can not believe I did such a stupid thing...yes I can...but it still sucks. (sucks is such an annoying word)

At least it starts out well

Does anyone else feel like they got punched in the stomach by the time they leave the grocery store? I can't believe how much I end up having to pay for our groceries every week. With the daycare and my own hungry boys.

It always starts out well. As I am going through the store looking for the deals yet making sure to buy healthy. We are big on whole grains and organics which of course cost more, but make me feel good about the choices I am making. Until I go to pay that is! Organic milk for instance, almost six dollars a gallon! I have to buy half organic and half regular milk and just alternate between the two because I flat out can't afford it! I rarely buy name brand, unless it's a better deal. I seldom buy prepared foods. I buy little meat, because I don't cook (because I myself don't eat) cows or pigs. We eat a lot of rice and beans that I buy in bulk and we still end up spending around 250.00 a week in groceries or more. This seems like a lot to me. Am I wrong? I am thrifty and I hate spending money if I don't have to so maybe I am just hating having to shell out so much money just to go back in a week and shell out some more. Oh and then there is also Atty's food allergies. He is allergic to wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, and coconut so far. We still have to do the elimination diet for corn and eggs. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shop and cook when you have to keep that food out? I often have to make a whole separate menu just for him. The specialty food is so much more expensive too, it's outrageous. A lot of the times he doesn't even really like it, which ends up being an waste of food and money. I don't blame him though some of it is really gross.

Being pregnant and hormonal I almost cried yesterday when I did my usually shopping trip. It's just so frustrating, we don't even buy many extras (if any) and we still end up spending so much on food. I know I am mostly stressed because my husband is laid off again but still. I know that we can live off of rice and bean we have many times, but I prefer to feed my boys well rounded healthy meals. Maybe I should just stop looking at the total and just pay with my eyes closed? Any ideas...

Now my stomach hurts

Wowsers...things just got stressful with my heart child's adoption process (that we have been working on for 2 1/2 years now!) I just got off the phone with adoption support and it looks like, because of budget cuts, we won't continue to get the same amount of support we were counting on, much less actually. I've talked about my heart child before (I think you all know it's Atty by now, the adorable red head) and how his addition to our family was unexpected. He is my brother's biological child and they were unable to care for him, so he was placed with us at six days old and has been with us ever since. I didn't get 9 months to prepare, it wasn't part of our original plan, but plans change so often don't they? I got less then a week to prepare for the huge responsibility of raising another child, and although my husband and I don't regret it for a minute I would be lying if I tried to act like it didn't added a lot of financial stress as well as being overwhelming in general at times. We have been getting some financial assistants since his placement with us but now that the adoption is almost complete we have to beg our case in order to continue receiving any assistance. I'm not very good at that apparently. I guess I wouldn't be so stressed out about this if my husband wasn't laid off again and I wasn't on the brink of loosing my only full time child enrolled in my daycare because one of her parents is about to lose their job also. Daycare is one of the first things people cut if they can, and when you aren't working you aren't putting your child in daycare, I have had barely a call in the last year, which is nothing like the years prior! Stinkin' economy.

I can't really explain the whole situation so it probably seems like a petty thing to be worried about in the bigger picture, but none the less...I just needed to vent.

Which has made me feel a little better and since my hands were busy typing I stopped stress eating for a moment. Stress eating and being pregnant is not a good combination. Now the stress has turned into a stomachache (or was it all the food?) so I'm done for now. I have a lot to think about and figure out tonight, because I have to call the lady from adoption support back tomorrow at the latest, so I probably won't be sleeping much tonight. Whenever something is bothering me I can't turn my brain off, it's so irritating.

Ugggggg....I just want this all to be over and the adoption complete...I'm so tired of it.

face as red as his hair

So I have come to the point in time with my boys were it is sometimes necessary to correct their behavior in public. Especially with Atty who seems to think that public embarrassment by way of tantrum is awesome. I being the mean mom I am do not give in to public displays of nastiness, and instead react the same way I would at home and follow through with what ever discipline is necessary. I'm fully aware that if I give in and allow them to act up in public, they will capitalize on this, and being as I am out numbered, the idea strikes terror to my core. That being said, there is something so awkward about correcting your child's behavior in public. The stares, and whispers. The murmured comments, I've even seen people pointing. We were at a home improvement store last weekend and right when we walked in and started putting the little boys in carts, Atty freaked out and decided he wasn't riding in a cart. Being as he is heavy carrying him wasn't an option for me. Letting him walk is a disaster with him at this point. So I needed him to sit in the cart. I tried to reason with him a couple times and then told him if he didn't sit in the cart he would get a time out. He didn't care, so I gave him a time out right then and there, and sent my hubby and the other boys to start there shopping. Now I know it's not pleasant to listen to a child throw a tantrum, and I myself defiantly wasn't enjoying it, as evident by the darkening red shade of my face, but I seriously don't need to be stared at during it all. It's so irritating. I looked up and the closest clerk was just full on staring at us, disapproving look and all, didn't even bother to look away when I glanced over at her. Atty continued to throw his fit for a moment then stopped and I asked him if he was ready to get in the cart, were as he said yes. The whole time this lady and anyone who happens to pass by is getting an eye full. So I attempt to put him back in the cart, and sure enough he starts pitching a fit again. So I tell him he will take a time out in the van if he doesn't stop (mostly because I want to run away and hide at this point) and he could care less. So then I have to carry him kicking and screaming, red faced to match his hair through the store, because the exit is located conveniently on the other side of the store. With everyone staring at me, and making comments. I truly know why people just give in, because it's absolutely humiliating to deal with the aftermath when requesting appropriate behavior. We made it out to the van, away from prying eyes, I buckled him into his car seat, shut the door and stood outside for a few minutes. He got the point, I got him into a cart out in the parking lot away from the audience, gave him a snack, went back in and all was good. He ended up falling asleep in the cart, which was probably half of the reason why he threw a fit in the first place being as he was tired. Although he has always caused problems when in a cart, he just hates being strapped in because he is such an active explorer.

The point of this post, if there is a point, is why do people feel the need to stare and criticize when a parent is only trying to get there child to behave. Obviously if a person is beating their child, or screaming degrading remarks at their child they should be stared at and hopefully someone would intervene for the sake of the child. I've overheard situations were I felt the parent wasn't dealing with things appropriately. I still don't make comments though, nor do I stare, in fact when I notice a parent reprimanding a child I look the other way. I give them as much privacy as being in a public place can afford. Nobody likes a wild undisciplined child running free in a store, so why stare and make the parent uncomfortable when they end up being in the position of having to enforce rules in public. Give the parent a break for trying to do there part. For trying to raise a well behaved child. Stop staring, and making mumbled comments, even if you think you can do it better.

Have any of you been in this situation, and what do you do to deal with it? Does it get to you, or do you let it roll off your back, and let it go unnoticed?

What a mess...

So the last few days have been overwhelming to say the least.

On Saturday I picked up J from visiting with his sister on spring break. The situation at his mom's house has been going from bad to worse, especially now that she is so sick. It has gotten to the point were he is having to endure continuous verbal abuse and neglect. He has all F in school, has recently been suspended, was with friends that were stealing and on and on and on. It's just an all around bad situation for him. So we felt he should come back and live with us. He had been with us for 6 1/2 years before going back to live with her last June. Half of his life time. I was raising him longer then I have been raising my own boys. We thought she understood and that she would let it happen. We were hoping that there was one little part of her that wasn't selfish and would understand that J living with her was not in his best interest. Instead she stopped answering the phone when my husband called and then on Monday with out saying anything to us first she called the school he was going to there and told them that we took J with out her permission. So I, still oblivious to all this, signed him up at school here, got him all set, talked to the counselor about the fact that he had previously been diagnosed with Aspergers while living with us (something his mom refuses to acknowledge.) and we left. I had some errands to run and then when I got home I had a message from the school here that there was a question about guardianship. We happen to have an open agreement, notarized between his mother and Ryder and I giving us the ability to make decisions regarding school, medical and such from before. So the school here didn't know what to do. Then my mom called and told me that J's mom called her and wasn't making much sense (she is on HIGH doses of pain meds.) and that she was saying we didn't tell her we were taking J (not true) that we had never talked to her about it (so not true) and that she had called the police. What! Keep in mind she was not answering the phone when we called or calling us, just everyone else. So then I really started to stress out, and ended up with the worse migraine headache ever. Ryder ended up driving all the way to her place over an 1 1/2 hours away after working a ten, just to try and figure out what was going on. She apparently has changed her mind, and he didn't get anywhere with her when he was trying to explain why J shouldn't be there. She just wouldn't listen. So Tuesday I wasn't able to get his school totally figured out, they were still consulting their legal team. I tried to figure out our legal options, but the only thing I could do was file a report about the abuse and neglect with the State. Apparently if a case worker gets involved then he might be able to be place with us as a relative placement, but there wasn't anyway to get a relative placement order with out doing that step first. Last night we had to make the tough decision to send him back with his mom, because he couldn't miss any more school and I couldn't determine how long it was going to take to get him set up over here. The point of him coming here was to do what was in the best interest of J, and it is not in his best interest to miss any more school. It was so hard to let him go, knowing what he will be going through again. He is so sensitive too, although he tries so hard to hide it. I told him not to internalize what she is saying to him, and to stay strong. I let him know that I will always do what I can to take care of him and protect him and I will always be here for him. That he can always call me at any time. When he was leaving I gave him a big hug and told him that I love him more then life it's self, and he said "Hey that's what you wrote on my blanket (which he sleeps with every night, even brought it with him here) and I could barely choke back the tears when I told him to keep sleeping with that blanket and always remember those words. This situation is tearing me apart, and I feel so inadequate and unable to do right by him. Yesterday my mom reminded me that I have to let go and leave it in Gods hands, and I know that, but it's so hard.

I braved it alone...

I did it.

Grocery shopping alone with three little boys.

OMGoodness. I had so many errands to run yesterday. So we started off going to Lowes for some gardening stuff, because the sun is starting to peak out around here! They did fairly well there, one buckled in, one in the basket part of the cart and one walking. Then on to the library to drop of books before they sent out a search party. Then I thought I would take them to a park for snacks and play time before attempting the...(drum roll please)...Grocery Store. So I piled them all out at a park we don't normally go to, and it was a disaster. There were a bunch of older kids there, playing tag, and they were just running all over everything and I was afraid they were going to trample one of the boys. At one point when Atty was trying to cross this rope bridge thing, another much bigger kid went over it, and poor Atty went flying off! The older kid didn't do it on purpose, but I'll admit I glared. So anyways I bundled them back up into the van, and promised another park to appease them. We went to this great park that I should have gone to in the first place. It's much smaller so it's less stressful, and easier for me to keep tabs on the little ones. They had a lot of fun. Although by this time I was already feeling a bit burnt out and since I hadn't been able to leave when I wanted to (a whole different story involving J who is now at our house.) it was close to lunch time. The grocery shopping had to be done though so off we went, worse time of the day with hungry tired little boys and a hungry tired mommy. The babies were sleeping by the time we got there. J was with us, but refused to get out of the van, so I had no choice but to face my fears hungry, tired and alone, I plan so well. I was close to tears a few minutes in. I grabbed two carts and buckled Spike into one, put a sleepy Atty in the basket part of the same cart and Bubu walked while I pulled the other cart behind me. Of course Atty woke up as soon as we started shopping and started crying. I had snacks in the back pack as always so I gave him the whole bag of his animal crackers, and the box of regular animal crackers to Spike. That helped until they started throwing them. I don't know if this happens to any of you with lots of small kids, but some people can be so rude. The stares are annoying enough as it is, but some people will actually give me nasty looks. Or act impatient with me as I am struggling around with my hands full. I don't let my children run amuck, or scream non-stop, or be rude to others. I am stern with them, I keep them under control, we try to be as polite as possible. I just don't get it. There was only one lady that was super sweet to me, she was older and wanted to stop and talk to me and the boys. She was so nice and understanding that I almost cried. Embarrassing. Anyways we made it through the whole store and by the time we were heading for check out I could barely steer and pull the overflowing cart at the same time. I'm sure we were quite the sight. The boys really did very well, I was proud of them. Spike started to melt down while we were waiting our turn in line, but recovered in time. I paid, and heading for the finishing line, feeling extremely exhausted, and on the verge of tears, but super proud of my boys. They all got some black licorice after they were safely buckled in. Piled in the groceries, collapsed into my seat and sighed a huge sigh of relief that we all made it out alive. Had to make one more stop, but it was a super quick one so I left the boys munching licorice with J. I had more things I had wanted to get done, but we had all hit a wall so we headed for home. Of course when I got home I still had a super messy house to clean, so that's when the tears really started to flow, pregnancy hormones took over and I sobbed my way through a mountain of dishes.

My sweet, sweet hubby did say that he would rather do the shopping for me on his way home from work then me having to do that again. I might take him up on that, although he just doesn't seem to be able to get the deals the way I can, and he always forgets something, or I should say many things. Practice makes perfect though right. I make a habit of taking on more then I should, I do need to continue learning to let go. It's a hard one for me, being the control freak that I am. ;)

Breath. breath. breath.

I am really upset, lots of crazy stuff going on around here.



Can't really talk about it right now.



Looks like J might be living with us again.



I am eating a turkey burger and chip at 10:30 in the morning.



Yeah, I'm freaking over here.



Drinking tension tamer tea, and trying to calm down, because I am getting cramps and it's scary.



Randomly cleaning various odds and ends, wandering aimlessly.



I should say I made a turkey burger and chip that I am apparently too upset to eat.



I do that a lot, I always think the butterflies in my stomach are hunger pains, until I go to put the food in my mouth and can't chew.

Kids wandering a store = trouble.

I have a problem, and I don't know what to do about it.

I've never had to do it before.

So here it is.

My husband is working 13 days straight right now, with the 14th day off. 10-12 hour days.

My sister was staying with us for a couple months, but has now moved out.

So my problem is, how am I going to go grocery shopping ALONE with three children, three and under. They can't exactly walk. I mean of course they all can walk, but Bubu is the only one that would listen for the most part. He is so slow though that I would be in the store for a couple hours instead of the hour it already takes me, and talk about stressful! They have the carts that fit two children, but not three. If I put Bubu in the basket of the two kid cart, by the time I start throwing groceries in, there won't be any room for him. I have to go shopping every weekend, and it's the kind of shopping where the cart if full to overflowing. I already make it as simple as possible. I always go to the same grocery store so I know were everything is, I make detailed and categorized lists that for the most part follow the lay out of the store so that I minimize backtracking. But it's still a procedure. Normally I either leave the boys at home with the hubby or we go to the store together and use two carts. While hubby's been working so much my sister has been helping so I hadn't been faced with this problem yet. I'm not really worried about the kids freaking out, they usually do really well when they go with, except for the occasional fit from Atty. But he's a redhead so go figure. It's just containing them that is the problem, because anyone with kids knows that kids wandering a store = trouble. I use to put one in the backpack and the other two in the cart, but they are all so heavy now. I seriously don't know what to do. It seems like a little problem, but I can't get around the weekly grocery shopping, or make it go any quicker, so I am going to have to face this next weekend. The only other thing I can think of is to wait until my hubby gets home, late at night and leave him with the kids and go then. That might be the only solution, but my hubby is so burnt out by then that I hate to do that to him. Plus quite honestly I am pretty burnt out by then too and the last thing I want to do is go grocery shopping late at night, uggg....

Does anyone else have any solutions? What do you do? What do you think would work best for me? What am I going to do when I have four kids, four and under! Good Grief.

I'm going to be hurting tomorrow...

Phew...busy day.

It ended up being a gorgeous day here in the soggy NW. Spring cleaning! I started out by attacking the laundry room with a vengeance. I could no longer handle the stench. Seriously. It was the combination of my husbands boots drying on the boot dryer every night, the mountain of laundry, the cat box that I can't empty right now and my husband conveniently forgets to do All The Time, along with the stinky nasty carpet (who puts carpet in a laundry/mud room?). So I hauled most everything out, vacuumed, and sprinkled baking powder on the carpets. While I was cleaning I stumbled upon some bulbs I recently bought that desperately needed to be planted, so I decided to take a little break before getting out the carpet cleaner. Out into the sun I went, the boys and I got our gear and headed up front to the flowerbeds. I then got lost out there for hours. Planting, weeding and pruning. When I was done the boys helped me pick up all the weeds and put them in the wagon. I love gardening and it was so nice to get out there and fix it all up, it really looks great now. I can't wait until every thing starts blooming. Any ways we headed back in, and that's when it hit me. My whole body started aching. It's been awhile since I have done that much yard work. Yikes! I wanted to stop and curl up on the couch, but I resisted and instead put on a movie for the boys and got busy cleaning the carpet in the laundry room and putting every thing back. Except the cat box, which I moved out to the hubby's shop, think he will empty it now? I know I'm evil. Then I moved on to the playroom and got the boys to help me clean up their mess (which by the way is already a mess again as I type, ugggg!) then vacuumed the house. I have to clean the carpets in the playroom tomorrow, and bleach toys, oh the joy. Now I need to finish dinner, hubby's coming home late from work tonight, and I really need to clean the kitchen because I haven't washed a dish all day. I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I can feel the ache in my legs and back and arms, gardening really can be such a work out and I always have a tendency to over do it. Oh well, it was a beautiful, warm day once I started on the garden, I just couldn't stop until it was complete. It was so warm that I got to air the house out which was nice. Nothing better then fresh spring air. We also had a picnic outside for lunch and the boys really liked that. I think I might have even got a bit of a sunburn on my face, that's not hard for me to do though, getting sun burnt is what I do best, being fair skinned and all.

Oh and I still have a mountain of laundry to deal with but now it's a clean mountain on the couch, so we're making progress.

unbitchy

So I have been trying to stay away from the keyboard while bitchy, and it's been quite a challenge. I go from 0 to bitch in the blink of an eye right now and it's a tad bit scary. Today, at least for this present moment the fog has cleared and so instead of complaining about everything under the sun, I decided to post pictures of our fun outing to the beach yesterday.

*

I have been getting extremely sick and Sunday night was the worst thus far. I was miserable and Ryder had somewhere he needed to be so I was alone with the boys for a couple hours and could barely cope. I was dry heaving into a bucket, sitting on the couch, crying, and Bubu started laughing at me. Which just made me cry harder. Apparently I must have been making some very funny faces while dry heaving. I have no doubt. Then the babies were trying to take my bucket and stick their hands in it and climb all over me. I was just miserable and feeling childish and desperately wanted Ryder to come home. He brought some ginger ale home for me and that helped. He can be such a sweet heart. Don't tell him I said that though, it would ruin my reputation.

*

I do better in the morning, by mid day though and on into the night I am dragging, the couch is calling my name and waves of nausea wash over me non-stop. If I get outside I do a lot better, so that is why we went to the beach. We went to the beach on Valentines day too and it was such a nice day. I forgot my camera though, which just drives me crazy. Atty decided to run into the water after a seagull, wild child. No amount of screaming could get him to stop, he wanted that bird so bad! I can't say that it was a very romantic day, but being as I am a grumpy pregnant women and we have three young boys, the chances of us having a romantic day is highly unlikely in even the best of circumstances.

*

Phew, I made it through the whole post fairly unbitchy, yeah me. Now I need to go get motivated, cause I only have a few hours before my body will be so heavy I will be forced to lay in the horizontal position.

brain drain

So yesterday, not so good.

First I was in a hard place emotionally because of some things I shared in my last post, but other then writing about it, I keep it to myself. So I was trying to be up beat, and not fully feeling it.

Then I knew that Tanks biological parents were calling sometime on his birthday, but I didn't know when, and that always makes me feel on edge.

I was feeling tired and a bit sick.

When I went to lay the boys down for nap, I had to move the ladder to the bunk bed because I had to go back out of the room and I was afraid that Atty would try to climb it before I got back in. So I started to shove it to the side, it's really heavy, and it caught on the fan cord that was plugged in and some how ripped the cord off the fan, and sparks started flying every where! I screamed and started say what I apparently say now in all freakesh situations "Sh%#", over and over again, as I lunged for the cord to pull in out of the outlet. So absolutely frightening!! So that being done, I finished getting the kids tucked in out in the living room and went back in to the bedroom were the babies were now screaming. I grabbed Tank and went to step into his bed, and slammed my baby toe on the wood frame. Ouch. My baby toes serve no other purpose except serving themselves up for extreme torture. I slam those suckers into everything. I think they've been broken and sprained numerous times. They hurt all the time, because they never have a chance to heal before I am slamming them into something else. It's like I have a vengeance against my own ugly toes. So needless to say, I was not a happy camper!

Then when I went to use the bathroom after the boys feel asleep, the bathroom lights didn't work. So I called Ryder, and he said he would take a look. When he came home, he discovered that our bedroom didn't have any power at all! So some how I blew up the power in those two rooms with the whole sparking fan episode! He starts saying we are going to have to get an electrician, and they might have to rerun wires, yada, yada, bla, bla...urggg! So he gets into a real funk. Starts snapping at me. Which just kills me, I totally can't handle that right now.

Then Tanks call came from his biological parents, which is always hard for me to handle gracefully. I do manage through, but it's not easy. This whole situation has torn our family apart in a lot of ways. It's really hard to deal with people who have serious mental health issues, I get really irritated by the ridiculous things they say. I know it is hard for his biological mom to realize that I am Atty's mom, but when she says "it's your mommy, it's your mommy..." over and over again to him on the phone, and I see the confusion as he looks at me, it really pisses me off! I can't help it. She has been told that we are calling her mommy M____, and that she is welcome to say that, but we don't want her just calling her self mommy, because it is confusing for him, but she doesn't listen. Or understand. Or care. I don't know. Then Atty starts saying Mom, really excited, as he looks at me, because he knows that word. So it just eggs her on because she thinks he's referring to her. I know if we were both in the same room he would come running to me, which I know sounds mean, but it's true, because he doesn't know her or think of her as his mom. I don't know how to explain how this makes me feel with out sounding mean.
I put them on speaker phone so I can hear what is going on, and grab the phone if it gets to weird. They have said things before like, as soon as you get old enough you can run away and come live with us again. Or, hope your aunt isn't to mean to you. Lots of things that are negative, things that will be hard for him to hear as he gets older. His biological father get nervous or something and doesn't know what to say to Atty so he starts blurting things like, "don't bite anyones hair" or "I guess I'm your brother now, hi brother" just random, weird things. They still call me aunt to him, refusing to acknowledge that I am his mother. Even though they know we are adopting him. His mom didn't want us to be able to adopt him, she tried to get him removed and placed with strangers. In her head this would insure that he would come looking for her in the end. She use to tell Atty that we stole him, and accuse me of that in letters. I took Atty in for them and for him, so he would stay with family. It's hard to know that they will never appreciate this, or understand why he is with us instead of them. Instead I get anger and resentment, accusations and lies. There are so many things I have had to deal with from them in the last couple years, it just goes on and on. I never know what other drama there will be every time we correspond. That's why is stresses me out when I know they are going to call.

So after all this my sister calls and tells me she is going to be a little bit late bringing the van back because she had to work later then usual. Totally wouldn't be a big deal except I needed to run a casserole over to a friend that just had a baby and I had to stop at the store on the way, and then rush home to have dinner with the family, and cake and presents for Tank before bedtime. So it threw my schedule off, which drives me crazy. So I very (im)patiently waited for her to get home. While I was waiting Ryder snapped at me again and I said something about it, and he could see I was on the brink, so he gave me a hug, which helped. Except that when I was leaving, I had my hands full, so he opened the door for me and bent down to grab the dog, and I smashed him in the head with the glass casserole dish. Which I could tell was the last straw for him, he wasn't having the best day either.

So I barely made it to the van before the pregnancy hormones kicked my ass and I started sobbing uncontrollably, as I drove, never a good combination. Such an overwhelming day. I made it to the store, where I stood staring at the prepackaged salad like an idiot, because they didn't have any organic salads. The family I was brings the food to eat mainly only organic, so I just stood there, brain dead, not knowing what my next move should be. Eyes red and swollen, just staring at the salad case, picking up one after the other, and setting them back down again. I'm afraid I might have stood there for about ten minutes, I am not quite sure. I finally picked one that was on sale for 99 cents and then grabbed some garlic bread and went to pay. I was so out of it that when I was charged over six dollars it didn't even register that something wasn't right. Until I got out to the van. I just couldn't handle it, and I seriously started crying again. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I struggled to get myself under control and went back into the store, even though I was running way behind, got my 2.50 and ran back to the van. At least getting some money back made me feel better.

Anyways, I dropped the food off, visited with a smile on my face for a few minute, and then rushed back home were much to my relief my amazing husband had been able to fix the electrical problem....whoooohooooo! We had a nice night together after all, and everything went back to normal, whatever that is.

Now that I have ranted and raved on here, I feel much better. It's such a brain drain. Now if I can make it through this day without to many emotional melt downs I will be doing good. Me and pregnancy hormones, we don't get along well, and that is the understatement of the year!

One last round

I am for sure, without a doubt, sick, sick, sick...I mean pregnant!

So people I am one of those lucky girls that gets sick and dizzy and tired from the moment of conception on through about four months along. Uuuugggg...at least I can still eat and cook food with out gagging at this stage because it is still really early. Really, really early. I found out super early with Spike too. Pretty soon though I will be able to smell cigarette smoke from 10 miles away and it will throw me into a tizzy. I will detest anything made of meat, and gag at the smell of meat cooking. I will crave eating fruit and fruit only. I will gain 50-55 pound, just like the other two pregnancies, no matter how hard I try not too. I even went on a special diet when I was pregnant with Spike, to try and keep him smaller (as in 10 lbs 3 ounces instead of 10 lbs 11.5 ounces like his big brother) didn't work so well, I still gained 50 lbs! I'm sure there will be plenty of other surprises in store for me this time, I will just have to wait and see.

Being as this is my third and last pregnancy, I am hoping to really treasure it. I had a hard time with my feelings last time when I was pregnant with Spike. I didn't get to focus on being pregnant, and things were really stressful and overwhelming with Tank being placed with us unexpectedly when I was 5 months pregnant. J was still living with us then also, and there was a lot of stress involved with trying to raise him. My whole pregnancy kind of got skipped over as everyone, myself included was focused on little baby Atty. When we were in public, people would double take me, because I was so obviously pregnant looking but at the same time I had a two month old on my hip, and they just couldn't figure it out. People seemed afraid to make comments about my pregnancy, my mom for the most part was to distracted(My brother is Atty's biological father, so the whole thing hit her pretty hard) to pay any attention to me at all. My husband was having a hard time. I felt very alone. I was so tired from caring for an infant, that had serious trouble sleeping, that when Spike was born, I was already burnt out. For me Spikes infancy is a blur. I barely survived, and I most definitely didn't get to enjoy it as much as I wish I could have. Still makes me sad when I think about it. So although Spike was going to be our last, before Tank was placed with us, we decided to try one more time. The final pregnancy, which I am hoping I will be able to focus on more. I am going to make the effort to do so anyways. Being as the youngest will be almost two and a half by the time this baby is born,(when Spike was born the oldest was only 20 months!) it will be a lot easier to focus on the new infant then before, that's for sure.

So hopefully, God willing, everything will continue to go well and I will have lots to tell you. As I said it is still really early and we haven't even told many people yet, I always try to wait until I get through the first trimester. Judging by how sick and dizzy and grumpy I am though I would say everything seems to be going fine...