Hold them tight

On Friday my husband was at work when the refinery he is working at right now had an explosion. Thankfully he was not hurt and I found out about the fire at the same time that I found out he was okay, so I didn't have to spend any time afraid that he didn't make it out alive. But I did cry with the realization that I could have lost him, and because I was worried that others might have been hurt. The kids and I spent some time praying about it and thanking God. I try to pretend that his job isn't dangerous, I mean being a union carpenter shouldn't be all that dangerous, but working at refineries is. This is not the first time there has been explosions at the refineries he has worked at, but this was the worst one for him. I didn't know how bad it was until Ryder finally shared with me last night.

On Friday night when he got home he had so many calls to make and receive, letting people know he was okay, that we didn't get a chance to talk. I could tell he didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids so I didn't bring it up. We went to bed with out talking about because we were both so tired.

Then Saturday we wanted to do something together as a family since we had an unexpected family day with him not working, so we decided to take the kids swimming. We still hadn't had a chance to talk about it... At the swimming pool the kids and I got into the water before him and suddenly he appeared fully dressed and said he didn't feel good and had to leave. I was so upset. Had to blink hard to stop the tears. Thankfully I had my brother and his family and my sister there so I had help with the kids, but still we had all wanted to spend time with him so badly. After the kids swam for 3 hours {!} we headed back to the van and I was pretty worked up at that point. Not understanding what was wrong and just feeling upset that he didn't spend time with us. We didn't hardly talk for the rest of the day.

We finally talked that night, late, and it didn't go well. There was anger and frustration and hurt feelings on both sides. Ryder felt like I wasn't being understanding and I felt like how could I be really understanding if he wasn't sharing with me. He told me that he had a panic attack in the changing room at the pool, that the only other time he's had one like that was when his mom died, and it overwhelmed him. He said it sounded like the building was falling apart and on fire. It was more then he could handle and he had to leave. He shared this with me but still didn't share what he went though on Friday, and instead went to bed while I cried until my eyes were swollen on the couch. It's so weird how all I wanted to do was hold him close when I heard about the fire, and then when we see each other we are not communicating and fighting instead. The exact opposite of what I wanted. He thinks he's sheltering me from the fear and keeping me from being upset when in actuality I am feeling excluded and it hurts. I would rather be upset with him and share the fear. I want to be able to comfort and understand.

Sunday we stayed busy with our own projects. Both still a little snippy with each other. Still not talking. It's admittedly hard to talk about difficult stuff because we don't want to talk about it in front of the kids. Finally that night after the kids were in bed he opened up. He told me the whole thing, and although I kept my face calm and my words soothing I'll admit I freaked out inside. But I am so thankful he finally shared with me. It made a world of difference for both of us. He told me that he was right there when it happened, that the alarms when off and at first no one really noticed because I guess there is a lot of false alarms there. But then he heard people saying that it was the real thing and then people started shouting "Run, run!" {along with profanity and general chaos} and he looked behind him and there was a ball of fire headed right at them. He showed me the distance he was from the fire ball and it still makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. He said he ran until his lungs burned and his legs felt like jelly and he didn't look back but he could hear the roar of the fire. In his head he was thinking about his kids, and me, and how he might never see us again. When things blow up at a refinery it can get bad quick. No one knew how bad it would get, so in that moment he wondered it he would ever see us again. How scary is that? I can't hardly imagine. It makes me cry just thinking about it. When he finally made it to the evacuation site he said he had a panic attack because he didn't see a friend of him that works there. Our families are fairly close, I watch their kids and I'm friends with his friends wife. He started to freak out because he had looked over at his friend moments before they started running, but when he started to run he didn't check to see if his friend was okay. He started to feel overwhelmed with guilt. And I could tell {even though we know now that his friend is okay} he still feels guilty about that. I tried to help him realize that what he did was normal and he shouldn't be so hard on himself. I think most of us in a moment like that would have a hard time thinking rationally and would just run. Unless it was our kids, I know with out a doubt he would do everything in his power to save his kids. I don't need saving so I'm not worried about that... ;) Although I know he would give his life up for me as well. After he shared with me I understood why he had a panic attack {I think I would have had several} and it helped me to have more compassion. I wish he would have felt like he could have told me about it right away, even if we had to hid away in the bathroom or something to talk about it... I told him this and I hope he can remember in the future that keeping me in the dark makes things worse not better. I want to share the burdens of life with him, never do I want to leave him struggling on his own. I'd rather carry the whole stinking thing in order to give him a break! But that's not healthy either. We share. The good times and the bad times. He told me that he doesn't want to work in refineries any more. That it's not worth it. And it's not. But there hasn't been any other union carpentry work in over three years now. So if in fact he walks away from refinery work after this job is done, it means big changes for us in the future. Possibly the loss of our home among other things. I find my husbands life and happiness much more valuable then things but it is scary not knowing. It would be sad to lose our home, but it would be devastating to lose my husband, for my children to lose their father. I would live under a bridge with my husband if it came to it, but I know we are more resourceful then that. My husband is a hard worker and he will figure out a way to take care of his family, even if it's not what we were expecting. We have been pretty shook up over here, but I've come to realize over the years that good things can happen even when your world seems to be turning up side down. :) I have a feeling that 2012 might be a very interesting year indeed. I'm going to try and focus on one day at a time. If nothing else this situation has reminded me how important it is to show love each and every day... because as we all know every day could be your last. Live well.

~Love story~

A emotionally wounded fifteen year old girl with a bruised and battered heart met a neglected and hurting sixteen year old boy one fine summer night and fell madly and deeply and hopelessly in love. Together they stitched there broken hearts as one, strong and healthy, more then enough for both of them.

I use to lay in bed at night when I was a young girl, crying and begging God to help me. Make the pain and hurt go away. Save me, hold me in His hands. I would picture big hands cradling me, safely away from harm. And I would cry until my eyes were swollen shut, singing softly "He holds the whole world in his hand..." until I fell asleep.

As I grew older I became angry. I wasn't being saved. I didn't see God any where. I spent many years being angry. I fell in love with my husband at that time, and slowly began to heal... very slowly. We almost didn't make it, because my hurt was so much. As was his. But we figured out how to make two broken people into one strong marriage over time. And we didn't do it on our own.

A while back I was driving in the van alone and I was thinking back to that broken scared little girl who use to pray fervently at night. I teared up as I thought about how absolutely alone I felt. How scary that feels. How angry I was that no one was saving me, not even God {it seemed at the time} cared. As I was thinking this I started to feel a peace like no other as I came to the strong realization that He did answer my prayers. Not right when I was praying them. But He did answer my prayers. He gave me something even better then I was praying for. He gave me someone to love and treasure right here on earth, someone who loves and treasures me right back. Someone who holds me wrapped up in his arms in my darkest moments. Someone who loves all of me and understands when the hurt and brokenness comes back from time to time. He gave me someone to help heal my broken heart, the perfect person for me with out a doubt. He doesn't always answer prayers in obvious ways, or right at that moment. But He can give us the strength to carry on despite it all. And He can bless us and help us heal in ways we can't even imagine at the time. That's what He did for me. He had me in his hands when I was a scared little girl, He still held me in His hands when I wanted nothing to do with Him, and He holds me now. Every time I see my husband I can be reminded of His love for me. Every time I look at our tangible love that we created together, our four beautiful children, I can feel peace and healing and a joy that knows no end. He answers prayers, in His way. For me He gave me the love of my life, and the strength to make it through those hard times so that I could watch love multiply.

That is a love story.

Almost have to pinch myself...

Happy Birthday to my handsome bird fanatic!For five years you have brightened our lives...

You've shared your silly sense of humor with us...

You've taught us how to love all things with wings...

We are in awe of your resilience...

You've taught us what it means to pull together as a family...

We love you more then words could express...

Our Amazing Atticus!!!

I can hardly believe you are five, I almost have to pinch myself! I can't wait to see what this next year in your life brings, and I pray for health and happiness for you! May you continue to teach us as only you can, and share your love with us. Make us laugh, and let us see that fantastic grin every day of the year!!!

We love you to the moon and back, quack, quack!

The distance makes it a little less scary...

And once again January 16th has rolled around as it will every year and I am overcome with the emotions of that day, and the days that followed... because two years ago today Atty had his first seizure... But this time around, although I have shed a few tears rereading my posts and remembering, I also feel so thankful! And relieved. And at peace with were we are. I can hardly believe we are two years in already though. In May of this year he will be on his diet for the full two years and ready to wean off! What a hill is seemed at the time {his diet}, a mountain really. Steep and slippery it appeared and I feared failure, it felt like a heavy burden on my shoulders ready to drag me down as I tried to climb. I was scared to even take the first step. But I did, we did, and we are now headed down the other side with the breeze in our hair, taking in the view!!! Wow what a ride! I am so very proud of my son and how far he has come. Even though this day, every year, will be emotional for me... It's just not so scary any more. :)

These are some of my favorite things...

So I asked the kids about their favorite things and got some interesting and amusing answers. I would love to try and remember to ask them these questions every year to watch the changes... but knowing me I'll probably forget. :( I will record these ones with the tentative hope that I will remember to do it again...

Bubu, 6yrs-

• Color- light blue



• Shape- heart



• Emotion- happy



• Friend- Charleigh M.



• Animal- zebra



• Comfort food- peanut butter and jelly sandwiches



• Vegetable- Broccoli



• Fruit- Watermelon {of course!}



• Thing to do- play with dinosaurs
  


• Book- Dr. Seuss books



• Subject in school- history



• Holiday- St. Patty's day



• Treat- marshmallows {the big ones}



• Season- summer



• Exercise- lifting weights



• Movie- Cat in the Hat, series not movie...



• Day of the week- Tuesday



• Month- December



• Song- We Wish You a Merry Christmas



• Toy- dinosaurs



• Stuffed animal- big froggy
  

Atty, 4 yrs (5 in three weeks!}-

• Color- blue



• Shape- heart



• Emotion- silly {haha!}



• Friend- brother Evan {so sweet!!!}



• Animal- Birds



• Comfort food- Muffins {home made, almond flour}



• Vegetable- green peas



• Fruit- orange



• Thing to do- play with birds



• Book- bird books



• Subject in school- learning colors



• Holiday- 4th of July



• Treat- heart treats {home made freezer candies}



• Season- Spring



• Exercises- Jumping on the trampoline



• Movie- Nemo



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- December



• Song- Jingle Bells



• Toy- A spinning thing



• Stuffed animal- parrot
  

Spike, 4 yrs-

• Color- Black



• Shape- Star



• Emotion- Scared {really?}



• Friend- cousin Hunter



• Animal- bear



• Comfort food- hot dogs {haha!}



• Vegetable- carrots



• Fruit- blackberries



• Thing to do- play hide and seek outside



• Book- There's No Place Like Space by Tish Rade {He went and got the book so I would know exactly what he was talking about...}



• Subject in school- reading {he started this week!}



• Holiday- Easter



• Treat- ice cream {of course!}



• Season- Summer



• Exercise- riding bike



• Movie- Rescue Heroes



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- April



• Song- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, once I caught a fish alive, etc... {I don't know the name of that song.}



• Toy- little white sports car



• Stuffed animal- gray elephant
  

Lala, 2 yrs {she did surprisingly well answering these, I gave her some options for some of the questions, but for the most part she answered on her own with no help...}-

• Color- red



• Shape- square



• Emotion- sad {she does fake sad a lot, haha!}



• Friend- Asher B.



• Animal- pig



• Comfort food- crackers {so true, this girl loves her graham crackers, haha!}



• Vegetable- green peas



• Fruit- watermelon



• Thing to do- play with kitchen set {I was surprised when she answered this on her own with no ideas from me!}



• Book- Ladybug Girl {a new favorite of hers...}



• Subject in school- learning colors {She's not really in school exactly, but she learns right along with her brothers.}



• Holiday- Valentines day



• Treat- marshmallows



• Season- Winter



• Exercise- dancing



• Movie- Nemo



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- March



• Song- Jingle Bells, with a yeehaw and the end... :)



• Toy- doll house



• Stuffed animal- dog

Can we say goodbye to January yet...

I've just been blah... I always seem to get this way in January. I'm so tired of the cold, gray, short days of winter. Even though I know we are on the other side now and it's steadily getting lighter and lighter, it doesn't seem to help at this point. I want green, warmth, the promise of summer days. I want to garden and hike and picnic. I want day light after my daycare kids head home so that I can actually do stuff outside. I want the chickens to lay more eggs. Actually they are starting to, after taking a couple months off! If I was more of a self reliant homesteader I would have ate those chicken, so annoying to feed them and feed them and clean their stinky cage and not get any eggs... I don't like chickens in the winter time. She how grumpy I am! Then there is the matter of my weight and how out of shape I am. Been feeling really down about that and frustrated with my lack of options for getting back into shape. I wanted to get a Curves membership but I just couldn't justify the monthly cost... then I tried some work out videos but the kids want to join in and get in the way and always seem to need something or get into something right when I'm getting my groove on... then I tried to figure out a way to walk/run outside but by the time my husband gets home {at least right now} it's completely dark out and he leaves to early in the morning to do it before he leave for work. With that plan I was getting out so rarely it just wasn't making a difference. The only place work out equipment can go is in our room, which isn't very large, so my options were limited... But just this week I found an elliptical on Craigslist that was affordable so my hubby went and picked it up for me and it fits perfectly in our room! The nice part is that I can put on a movie in the playroom for the kids so that they are preoccupied and then I can grab my mp3 player and go work out in my room, which I did last night for the first time. And it was awesome. :) Well towards the end Lala did come find me and that was a bit frustrating... but not enough to make me stop or anything, I actually got to go for a mile!!! And you know what I felt great! I am one of those people that really needs to work out for my mood, I need to get out for fresh air as well, which is why I'm such an outdoorsy person... but working out works too. So my goal is to do a mile every day {which means probably every other day or less, haha!} and then go up from there. In April {when it's hopefully light late enough in the day so I can actually get outside after hubby gets home} I want to start the couch to 5K program. Me running 3 miles {by the end of the program} seems rather silly, but I'm going to try. It really does make me feel so good after wards. So anyways this is how I'm going to fight the gray mood that is dragging me down... in fact I had a whole blog post about how blah I was feeling in my head but then I did that mile last night and I feel so much better that I no longer feel the need to vent my bleakness... your welcome. :)


On top of the mood I've been in I'm also going through a rough patch with Lala. She is so testy lately. Throwing fits, just for fun I swear. Just basically testing every limit and rebelling against authority and basically getting too big for her britches. It's so hard to repeat over and over again the rules and expectations we have in this family. It's embarrassing dealing with her attitude in front of others, and it's frustrating when she is the only one acting up in public. I guess I should be thankful she's the only one, but I just want to be past this stage, I feel like I've already put in so much time getting the boys were they are with their behavior that the selfish part of me just wants to be done. But I know I have to put in the time with her as well, and I know that once she figures it out things will get better... it's just hard to keep my eyes on the prize so to speak when she is testing me non-stop. I'm a bit sad that my last little baby is past the "can do no wrong" baby stage and into the testy toddler stage. It's not that she's horrible {even though my complaining makes it sound that way} she's a great kid, I just have high expectations for behavior with my children and I know that she will live up to them... soon I hope. Haha!


Homeschooling has been going well. Although if I'm being honest some days I have to force myself to do it... Keeping to the school schedule has proven to be a bit hard for me. But the nice thing is that we can take days off when we want and make up those days when we want and the schedule is our to do with what we want... it doesn't have to be the same as our local public schools. Plus it just doesn't take as long to get done with my three what it takes to get done with a class room of 30 some. On a whim I picked up some early readers at the library and had Spike try one... and he is reading!!! It will never cease to amaze me how different each of my children are. His preK program isn't any where near the reading stage, but because he knows all his letter sounds and is open to learning how to read, excited really, I think I'm going to skip forward for him... which is another awesome thing about homeschooling. You can really tailor to each child's needs and readiness. Love that. One thing that is a bit frustrating though in a selfish way is that it's obvious that Atty and Spike are not going to be on the same level, not any time soon anyways, so instead of using one program to teach each of them {which I was hoping for because they are only 4 months apart} I will have to use separate programs for the most part... which means separate programs for all three {four separate programs as soon as Lala is old enough}. It would have been a lot easier with them on the same level, but oh well. Such is life and it's not about me after all, it's about the best education for each one of them. Just have to figure out the best way to incorporate three separate lessons into our day and make sure they all get enough one on one with me. Some things we can do together still so that helps. I also want to focus on more art and creative projects being incorporated into our day. I've really been lacking in that lately. And in all this I want to remember the value of play. I don't want to get so focus on school that I forget how much they learn just through play alone... especially at this age! Which reminds me of the next book I want to read The Value of Play by Rae Pica. :)


Well that's all for now, speaking of schooling I have some planning to do... I'm going to try and get my goals for the new year on here at some point, some of them anyways. Keep myself accountable. I've realized though that if I try to share all of them then I'm just not honest enough with myself to make any real change. So I'll share my goals for the house and yard and such but keep the more personal ones to myself. :) I know that's not nearly as interesting, haha, sorry! Also I plan on doing a blog post on a day in the life, just for the fun of it. So that I can look back when they are older and see how things change over the years on the day to day stuff. I'd like to add some more homeschooling posts as well, I never really seem to get into the nitty gritty on that topic... I'm sure as my one and only regular blog reader {you know who you are} you are just dying to hear all about it... haha! Oh and by the way Kat, you're awesome, thanks for all your great comments, I always look forward to reading them. Even though I didn't start this blog looking for lots of readers, but rather a great way to document our lives, still I've loved all your great comments! I love every ones comments {I've had some great commenter's over the years} and feel so lucky to have found such amazing people to share with!!!

Few words, many pictures... Merry Christmas!

What a wonderful holiday we've had! My husband and I ended up with some time off, and we put it to good use. :) We made Christmas tree pictures and added presents for all our family members. Atty decided to add an extra present under his tree for his brother in Montana... So sweet!
We are thankful that he has been able to stay in contact with is biological brother even though they were adopted in different states! Doesn't often happen.

Bubu sang Christmas songs up front at church. He was so brave and so adorable. Spike said he wanted to but then he got a little too scared and decided to sit and watch instead. But he did stay with his class the whole time... little steps. Atty isn't ready for that yet so he sat with us. Just the fact that he sat with us in the super crowded and loud church and listened to the music is a big step for him! He use to get so overwhelmed by situations like that, he would melt down in to a out of control tantrum.

We went to a get together at my mom's house and the kids fell in love with this cute puppy... especially Spike, he really really wants a dog.

We also went to the Lights of Christmas this year. Our neighbor brought over free tickets for all of us! We had wanted to go but hadn't found enough coupons to make it affordable for us so I had given the coupons I found away to some one else that I knew was going. It was so sweet of our neighbors to think of us. I think this neighbor and I have been trying to be friends for the last three years {she home schools too!} but we are just both to shy to get around to actually hanging out, haha! Anyways they had already gone and then her husband got the tickets so they passed them on to us.

It was a lot of fun, but super crowded as we went the night before Christmas eve... then because it was late and I had some of Atty's food with we stopped at a fast food restaurant {which we never do} and got the kids some dinner. This might have been cooler to them then the light, ha!

Lala in her Christmas eve dress pushing her "baby" around in the stroller. He actually likes it, such a sweet cat.

The kids always get to open one present on Christmas eve that is their special pj's and one present from someone out side of the family. Then I make them sit for pictures in their Christmas jammies... :) We also went to look at the "dancing lights" this year on Christmas eve right before bed. It was a lot of fun, sitting in the van, eating some treats and watching the lights go to the sound of the music. They had the donation box again for Children's hospital, which we love. Feels good to be able to donate. It goes to stuffed animals for the kids that are there, and Atty got a few of those when he was there, it really does make a difference.

Love stuffing the stockings after the kids are in bed. I always put a Big Hunk in my husbands stocking... ;)

Stockings stuffed, presents under the tree, Atty's special cookies ready, bring on the morning! {All by 10:30 too, that's a record for me!}

Here they come... I don't know if Lala was yawning or excited in this picture, haha!

I had to include this picture, even though it's blurry. {As many of my early morning pictures were, so frustrating!} The boys found a stuffed animal dachshund, and because they know that she loves the two {real ones} that she has, they were so very excited to give it to her. It was really cute.

Because Atty can't have any treats in his stockings I made him his special cookies this year as well as his freezer "candies". I gave the other kids a few more treats this year in there stocking and it didn't seem to cause any problems. I try to stay away from the wrapped ones and just put bulk treats in there stockings. The bright flashy holiday candies draw the most attention, so I stay aways from those still.

Lala got some lip gloss in her stocking, oh boy was she excited! She's always trying to use mine.

Bubu taking his turn to hand out presents.

Spike in his monkey hat, over the moon excited over his Nerf gun... something I never though I would get my kids. There will be rules, but I've relaxed a bit with the boys on this.

The kids were so excited for me to open the presents they got for me... even though some of them had already slipped up and told me what they were, haha! They found me another adorable snow globe, and it was Bubu that reminded my husband that they needed to get one, so cute!

This year we decided to go sledding on Christmas day. Mount Baker is closed to skiers on Christmas day, so we thought we would try it out. It was awesome and might have to be our new tradition. Normally we go seeking snow on New Years day... but you can't beat an almost empty mountain for sledding! It was a lot of fun!! And free, bonus!

Made sure to take a picture of me so that in the future my kids would know that I was there as well... haha! Some times I wonder if they will think I just wasn't ever there since I'm always the one taking the pictures and don't end up in many of them.

Getting ready to sled down.

My sister and mom came too! My sister acted as a human sled for Lala a few times, she loved it.

We need more sleds... Didn't stop the boys from having fun though, they just rolled down the hills in between turns. :)

The climb back up wasn't easy... but they managed. Tough little guys.

These two only made it a little while before they headed back to the van.

We found a snow fort and had a snow ball fight, me against them... I won. Haha! It was only because I had endless snow available to me, they ran out pretty fast... once that happened they started losing member fast, first one to join my side... Spike of course.

It was a beautiful day.

A late Merry Christmas wish to you all.