Wednesday, February 4, 2009

brain drain

So yesterday, not so good.

First I was in a hard place emotionally because of some things I shared in my last post, but other then writing about it, I keep it to myself. So I was trying to be up beat, and not fully feeling it.

Then I knew that Tanks biological parents were calling sometime on his birthday, but I didn't know when, and that always makes me feel on edge.

I was feeling tired and a bit sick.

When I went to lay the boys down for nap, I had to move the ladder to the bunk bed because I had to go back out of the room and I was afraid that Atty would try to climb it before I got back in. So I started to shove it to the side, it's really heavy, and it caught on the fan cord that was plugged in and some how ripped the cord off the fan, and sparks started flying every where! I screamed and started say what I apparently say now in all freakesh situations "Sh%#", over and over again, as I lunged for the cord to pull in out of the outlet. So absolutely frightening!! So that being done, I finished getting the kids tucked in out in the living room and went back in to the bedroom were the babies were now screaming. I grabbed Tank and went to step into his bed, and slammed my baby toe on the wood frame. Ouch. My baby toes serve no other purpose except serving themselves up for extreme torture. I slam those suckers into everything. I think they've been broken and sprained numerous times. They hurt all the time, because they never have a chance to heal before I am slamming them into something else. It's like I have a vengeance against my own ugly toes. So needless to say, I was not a happy camper!

Then when I went to use the bathroom after the boys feel asleep, the bathroom lights didn't work. So I called Ryder, and he said he would take a look. When he came home, he discovered that our bedroom didn't have any power at all! So some how I blew up the power in those two rooms with the whole sparking fan episode! He starts saying we are going to have to get an electrician, and they might have to rerun wires, yada, yada, bla, bla...urggg! So he gets into a real funk. Starts snapping at me. Which just kills me, I totally can't handle that right now.

Then Tanks call came from his biological parents, which is always hard for me to handle gracefully. I do manage through, but it's not easy. This whole situation has torn our family apart in a lot of ways. It's really hard to deal with people who have serious mental health issues, I get really irritated by the ridiculous things they say. I know it is hard for his biological mom to realize that I am Atty's mom, but when she says "it's your mommy, it's your mommy..." over and over again to him on the phone, and I see the confusion as he looks at me, it really pisses me off! I can't help it. She has been told that we are calling her mommy M____, and that she is welcome to say that, but we don't want her just calling her self mommy, because it is confusing for him, but she doesn't listen. Or understand. Or care. I don't know. Then Atty starts saying Mom, really excited, as he looks at me, because he knows that word. So it just eggs her on because she thinks he's referring to her. I know if we were both in the same room he would come running to me, which I know sounds mean, but it's true, because he doesn't know her or think of her as his mom. I don't know how to explain how this makes me feel with out sounding mean.
I put them on speaker phone so I can hear what is going on, and grab the phone if it gets to weird. They have said things before like, as soon as you get old enough you can run away and come live with us again. Or, hope your aunt isn't to mean to you. Lots of things that are negative, things that will be hard for him to hear as he gets older. His biological father get nervous or something and doesn't know what to say to Atty so he starts blurting things like, "don't bite anyones hair" or "I guess I'm your brother now, hi brother" just random, weird things. They still call me aunt to him, refusing to acknowledge that I am his mother. Even though they know we are adopting him. His mom didn't want us to be able to adopt him, she tried to get him removed and placed with strangers. In her head this would insure that he would come looking for her in the end. She use to tell Atty that we stole him, and accuse me of that in letters. I took Atty in for them and for him, so he would stay with family. It's hard to know that they will never appreciate this, or understand why he is with us instead of them. Instead I get anger and resentment, accusations and lies. There are so many things I have had to deal with from them in the last couple years, it just goes on and on. I never know what other drama there will be every time we correspond. That's why is stresses me out when I know they are going to call.

So after all this my sister calls and tells me she is going to be a little bit late bringing the van back because she had to work later then usual. Totally wouldn't be a big deal except I needed to run a casserole over to a friend that just had a baby and I had to stop at the store on the way, and then rush home to have dinner with the family, and cake and presents for Tank before bedtime. So it threw my schedule off, which drives me crazy. So I very (im)patiently waited for her to get home. While I was waiting Ryder snapped at me again and I said something about it, and he could see I was on the brink, so he gave me a hug, which helped. Except that when I was leaving, I had my hands full, so he opened the door for me and bent down to grab the dog, and I smashed him in the head with the glass casserole dish. Which I could tell was the last straw for him, he wasn't having the best day either.

So I barely made it to the van before the pregnancy hormones kicked my ass and I started sobbing uncontrollably, as I drove, never a good combination. Such an overwhelming day. I made it to the store, where I stood staring at the prepackaged salad like an idiot, because they didn't have any organic salads. The family I was brings the food to eat mainly only organic, so I just stood there, brain dead, not knowing what my next move should be. Eyes red and swollen, just staring at the salad case, picking up one after the other, and setting them back down again. I'm afraid I might have stood there for about ten minutes, I am not quite sure. I finally picked one that was on sale for 99 cents and then grabbed some garlic bread and went to pay. I was so out of it that when I was charged over six dollars it didn't even register that something wasn't right. Until I got out to the van. I just couldn't handle it, and I seriously started crying again. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I struggled to get myself under control and went back into the store, even though I was running way behind, got my 2.50 and ran back to the van. At least getting some money back made me feel better.

Anyways, I dropped the food off, visited with a smile on my face for a few minute, and then rushed back home were much to my relief my amazing husband had been able to fix the electrical problem....whoooohooooo! We had a nice night together after all, and everything went back to normal, whatever that is.

Now that I have ranted and raved on here, I feel much better. It's such a brain drain. Now if I can make it through this day without to many emotional melt downs I will be doing good. Me and pregnancy hormones, we don't get along well, and that is the understatement of the year!

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