Thursday, August 29, 2013

Sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself.

I've been in a real funk lately.
 Maybe it is a problem with the combination of my supplements. Or the cleanse I've been taking. Maybe the supplements are not working and my health is not improving as I'd hoped. I do need to go back in for some blood work, it's over due.
What ever the reason I've been miserable. Mean. Depressed. Just don't feel good frankly. So very tired all day, and then can't sleep well at night. Which is beyond frustrating let me tell you!
I stopped one of my supplements for my mood because I felt like it wasn't helping like it was suppose to, and I've stopped the cleanse for now. I think I might feel a bit better. Not much, but a little is better then nothing at all.
The worse of it all is that I am really not enjoying being a mother and a wife right now. Which makes me feel guilty and sad. Which leads me further into depression. Sigh. I just feel taken for granted so often. Over worked, a shell of my former self. The same boring stuff day, after day, after day. I hardly get any breaks, my best friend moved away so I don't really have a get away partner. Ryder usually works so much that there's not much of a chance to get away and have me time, even if I was in the mood to hang out with myself alone. Which at this point doesn't sound as bad as it use to, ha!
 I've really had to fight a bitterness towards Ryder as well. Because although he does work really, really hard he also does have more of a freedom then me {and always has}. He gets way more time on his own then I do. Which he does deserve, after all he works himself ragged taking care of us. But so do I in a completely different way. Who is going to give me a break? It feels so selfish, but seriously, I need breaks to. Because he works long hours I take care of almost everything in the home, and in the yard. I take care of the kids needs, the planning, the errands, grocery shopping, appointments, the animals. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... Repeat, repeat, repeat. There is no beginning or end to my work day. I also nanny to try and bring in some extra money, which adds to my work load and responsibilities. Add to that the fact that homeschooling is right around the corner. Which I'm excited about and dreading at the same time.
Some times I feel like he truly doesn't get it. How much work it all is, how hard it is to take the kids with me everywhere I go. I take them with to most of my appointments as well. I have been getting Chiropractic care and therapeutic massage because of the accident I was in. Try taking four young kids {some times even five or six kids depending on if I am nannying or not} to an hour massage and tell me how that works. Or grocery shopping, which for us means a giant cart full of food and nearly an hour in the store. He doesn't seem to blink an eye. Because I do it. Because I always have. Because I refuse to let any problem be too big. But that doesn't mean it's easy, or that I want to, or that I can continue at this pace indefinitely.
Which brings me to this... I thought that when he saw with out a doubt how my body was failing me that he would see how important it was to give me more support. I've been telling him for years how tired I am, but it was usually during a fight. And granted he can't really do a lot about it, as he's tired as well. Which makes it hard to be mad at him. Because it's not like he's sitting around drinking beer, watching TV, and not working. Being some sort of a no account bum. He's not, it's nothing like that. Not even remotely. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling so bitter about this. But I think if he was being truly honest with himself and less selfish he'd realize that although he would like to go out to his shop for a moment to work on something, or go fishing in a free moment, he should instead be supporting me. Asking me what I need help with. This is after all his home as well, and his children. It's not solely my responsibility. I don't mind pulling more then my fair share when needed, and Lord knows I have... but that's why I think he starts to take me for granted. He gets in this groove of me doing all the household/childcare stuff when he's working super long hours, and then when he has some spare time he doesn't take up the slack but instead takes time for himself, or works on big projects {which is awesome, but not especially helpful for the day to day stuff}, or goes fishing, or out with friends. A big part of me wants that for him, because he works so freaking hard and deserves to have free time. But the selfish, tired, overworked, lonely part of me wants his free time to be with us. With me. Helping, or doing fun stuff with us. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. So very alone. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg him to do stuff with us. Having to get bitchy to get some help. Like right now he's been helping more, and putting in effort to show me that he's here... but that's because he can tell I'm mad and he knows he was in the wrong. So it doesn't feel right to me. And I'm still mad. And I don't want to be mad any more. Especially because when I'm mad and sad I don't make for a very good mommy.
We have been struggling with this same topic for years now, before we even had kids when we were raising his little brother. There never seems to be a good solution. I try to find happiness in what I do, and I try to see the situation for what it is, two very overworked people who want some more free time. I try so hard not to take it out on him. But when I shake it all off it settles down to me being lonely. He doesn't seem to get that over all I just want more time with him. And if I let that go, in order to not be mad about not getting it, then what do we have left? Emptiness. And that makes me sad. I know it doesn't need to be as desperate as all that, but it feels like it right now. Which brings be back to what this post started out with. I don't feel good. And I guess I'm just not coping well right now. And I am taking it out on him for sure. I do still know that no matter what there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and life has a way of working itself out. It's just that sometimes walking towards that light seems so daunting and especially tiring. So at this moment I'm sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself, and I'll get up soon. Give me a break.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Moclips reunion... and pictures galore!

We went on our first camping trip of the year! We went to Moclips to a reunion on my mothers side of the family. The day before we were going to leave my husband came home and told me he was laid off, and that he had to start at a new job on Monday in order to keep employment going. I was pretty upset that we had to cut our plans short by a day, especially because it was unexpected and last minute, but we still had fun. It was a really long drive so I had been hoping to spend more time just relaxing. We got to spend Friday evening there and then all of Saturday and part of Sunday. We got rained on and you weren't allowed to have campfires in the campground so that put a bit of a damper on things, but good weather snuck in here and there and the kids, I dare say, had a fabulous time. :) We spent most of the time either on the beach or at my aunts house... good food and lots of chatting. My aunt made the most adorable family cookbooks for us all, with recipes that we all gave her, really great idea.
Princess of the rock. :) 

After we set up camp we headed down to the river that flowed into the ocean.  It was just a short walk away from our tent site. :)

There was a lot of "watch me run" from this girl. :)

Toes in the sand!

It started out like this, but by the end of it they were soaking wet, ha ha!

Neenee came with us, and the kids were loving that!

Beach bum in training... ;)

Love this picture of the boys when they reached the ocean and the never ending sky. We go to the bay a lot around here, but rarely do they see the ocean with no land in sight.

I made a heart in the sand and Leiella felt like it needed a face. :)

I could have watched them explore all day. 

Banden and Ira racing on the beach, of course. :) In fairness Ira was ahead for most of the time, but Banden  managed to pass him.

Leiella drew me in the sand and signed her name. I had gone for a short walk by myself, and when I was walking back up she rushed over to me and said "Mommy come look at what I made!" She was all excited and grabbed my hand and led me over to this. :) So cute. I love how she signs her name llooll most of the time.


We found an amazing sand castle on the beach.

Normally I would never let my kids touch such an amazing creation that someones hard work obviously went into... but the tide was coming in fast and I new it would be washed away, so I gave them the go ahead. They were out of this world excited!

We ended up spending well over an hour watch and playing with the kids and this castle.  They of course added their own decorations, and decided to build up the walls even stronger so the waves wouldn't destroy it. Or at least that was the brave thought. ;)

Listening to them play was the best part. :)

Side note... yes this red head got a hair cut, didn't quite make the 10 inches mark. But he wouldn't stop sucking on his hair, ack! And it was always in his face, it just didn't naturally hang to the sides like Banden's does. So it had to go. I told him he could try again when he's older if he wants to. :) I got a little ponytail of red curls for myself. ;) He looks so much older now!!!

Rivers royalty. ;)

I'm just going to pretend like we are aging gracefully. It's so weird to suddenly realize how much older we are from the teenagers we were when we met. Personally I think Ryder is even more handsome then he was then... and that's saying a lot! :)

Ira the brave solder taking on the waves, daring them to knock down his castle. :) 
He put up a good fight...

Taking on the ocean.

Trying hard to keep those walls strong! :) Here comes the ocean! They found this part very exciting! :)
I absolutely love this picture, it speaks volumes to me about childhood.

Saying goodbye was a hard thing to do, but the sun was sinking fast and we still needed to make dinner...
This picture rings with loneliness after the laughter of my children.

Atty made sure to leave with his treasures. He always has a handful of treasures everywhere we go. :)

Atty and Neenee love. I didn't realize how little pictures I got of the reunion until I got home. Oops.


More love.

More silliness. That basically sums us up. :)

If you couldn't tell yet we were the weird ones at the reunion. ;)

Just in case you were left wondering...

Now you know for sure! Ha ha!!!
That horrible chin mess was from  a nasty bike accident that happened after we got there. Brave Bubu.

After the reunion dinner we headed back to the beach for this amazing sunset. :)

Leiella's favorite auntie.

I love her quirkiness. ;)

There was a giant bug trying to attack us. I love how us girls are still posing and the boys are all in awe of the bug, and in my husbands case, a little freaked out! Ha ha!

Ahhhh.... we survived the evil bug. ;)

Girls!!! My mom, my only sister, my daughter, life is good. :)

I love how close these two are. :)


I couldn't pick just one, they are all so beautiful in their own way!

I love the blue in this picture and the silhouettes of the ones I love. :)

I absolutely love silhouette pictures. :)

Before we left on Sunday we just had to get some kite flying time in. 

And kite crashing... ;)

It was a lot of fun.

Especially when you have such a fun Auntie to fly kites with, and a daddy that's always willing to help. :)

Banden and Neenee opted to build a sand castle instead. :)

So that was our quick, fun packed, camping get away. We have one more trip coming up in September that we have been waiting for all year now. Hope it doesn't rain on us. But so far our record shows that each and every time we try to tent camp with the kids {Which really hasn't been all that often as we usually wimp out and choose a camp cabin.} it rains on us. Not good, not good at all. Ha ha!