This girl

This girl likes to chew on her momma.This girl has big smiles.
This girl likes to get the nose.
This girl is juicy.

This girl is ticklish under her chin.This girl gives sweet and slobbery kisses.

This girl is very enthusiastic about her love.

This girl can't ever get enough kisses.

This girl loves her momma.

...And this momma is madly in love with her...

It ended, here, tonight...for a moment.

This is my 200th post.

I thought I should do something big or share something amazing, make it memorable like I've seen other bloggers do for milestones like this.

Something really big.

So here goes................Today for the first time in Years (unfortunately I'm not kidding) I have washed, dried and put away Every Single Piece Of Laundry in this house! This is BIG people, very big! There is no pile of dirty laundry in my laundry room, or in laundry baskets, no clothes in the washer or dyer, no mountain of clean clothes on the couch, no clean piles of clothes sitting in the kids rooms waiting to be put away in a free moment......................it is all put in it's place!! (and) It Feels Wonderful! :) My laundry situation was plaguing my dreams! I told my husband the only thing I wanted for Christmas was no dirty laundry in the house (He got me a necklace instead, guess who doesn't like to do laundry?). I think I might stay up late just to stare at my clothes free couch, I almost forgot what it looked like. ;) It's not that I had dirty clothes laying all over the place, it's just that there was always laundry in some form somewhere waiting for me to either wash, dry or fold and put away. (but) Tonight, for at least this one night, it is all done and in it's rightful place and I have to say I am loving the feeling.

Today I made it to the light at the end of the tunnel and that my friends is worth celebrating in my little world. Because the laundry at my house...well lets just say it's like the song that goes;

"this is the song that never ends,

yes it goes on and on my friend,

somebody started singing it,

not know what it was

and they'll continue singing it for ever just because"

(repeat over and over again until all sanity is gone.)

(and) Change the word song for laundry. (and) Tweak a few other words in there. Then you get the picture. Maybe.

So there ya go, no give away or life changing revelations, just one happy lady that feels free of the constant laundry for one evening. So free that I am wandering from room to room with a smile on my face. It feels so good. Ahhhhh! Now that's worth the 200th post.

I even made it my kids problem...

I have a problem and it's now showing up in all areas of my life.I love my problem...and that's the problem.

I wear my problem for all to see.

I sit on my problem, or rather my kids do, yes I've even made it my kids problem.

People see my problem right when they come into my home.

My Grandma made a problem and then gave it to me.

Lots of people feed my problem.

My problem finds me where ever I go.

Even when I am not looking.

I can't keep it away.

I can't wipe it away.

Even my baby girl wears my problem and is friends with my problem.

How could she not when it comes disguised as cute clothing!

I even let my problem sneak into my bedroom.

I pin my problem on to my shirts (actually I don't, but lots of people seem to think I do and keep giving me these super cute pins)

I read about my problem.

I drink my problem...ur I mean out of my problem.

The toy box is the problem and is full of the problem.

I even drew a picture of the problem years ago. (when I was 16, around when the problem started)

The problem is a little out of hand...

Just thought you should know. ;)

*Sadly this is only a fraction of the problem...I would crash the internet with my problem*

You might want to skip this one, I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

I went and got my hair cut tonight and I H.A.T.E it. I don't know why I always think I should get a hair cut when I am feeling crummy about myself, because it rarely turns out well. It's horrid. I think I might cry. Trying to not act to upset about it because we really didn't have the money for me to go out and spend on me, but my husband was really sweet and told me to do it anyways. And then I come home and all I can do is fight back tears. All he wanted was for me to feel better. It's only hair. It will grow. But I was just feeling so poorly about myself, after baby and all, and now, well now I just went and made it all worse. Okay now I am crying...officially feeling sorry for myself..blah.

Tagged...

"ABC'S OF ME" SURVEY

Lisa at I'm at Home tagged me for this silly meme. So here we go. I'm not going to tag anyone but if you want to do it too I would love to read your answers!



A - Age: To old to remember, but if I get carded I'm ecstatic, so that should give you a clue. ;)

B - Bed size: king, before we had kids my husband and I shared a full size bed...but now we need extra snuggle room for the little ones. :)

C - Chore you hate: I loath doing the dishes...and laundry...and mopping...scrubbing out the tub...cleaning toilets...folding laundry...Oh wait there wasn't an (s) on the end of that word was there...

D - Dog's name: Luna or bubble brain, depending on my mood. Or Luna-tic if you ask my husband.

E - Essential start your day item: Must. Have. Coffee!

F - Favorite color: Green

G - Gold or Silver: Silver absolutely

H - Height: 5' 8

I - I am: Tired

J - Job: In-home Childcare

K - Kids: Bubu 4, Atty 2, Spike 2, Strawberry 2 weeks

L- Living arrangements: Living with my dear husband in our house full of crazy kids.

M - Mom's name: Kathy

N - Nicknames: Riah, Riahli, Mur, Chicken (that last one is all my husband's).

O-Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Just the one C-section I had with my first born.

P - Pet Peeve: People who chew their food loudly. Slow drivers, or anyone in my way when I am in a hurry ;). Whining. Drama. Messes. Shoes left out or on in my house. Laziness. Oh my goodness I could go on and on...I must be easily annoyed, oops!

Q - Quote from a movie: "Being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble"...ooh or maybe "you made me ink!" Yes I know they are both kids movies...that's all I watch. :)

R - Right or left handed: Left handed, RIGHT brained.

S - Siblings: three brothers and a "little" sister.

T - Time you wake up: 5-5:30 am, even on most weekends...I have early risers. Aren't I lucky.

U- Underwear: underwear...what's that? Just kidding.

V - Vegetable you dislike: I don't believe there is one, at least that I've tried...but I was a vegetarian for years, so there probably shouldn't be when that's all you plan on eating.

W - Ways you run late: I would count the ways but we would be here for weeks.

X-rays you've had: Just for teeth.

Y - Yummy food you make: Well the rule in this house is EVERYTHING MOMMY MAKES IS YUMMY and if you don't like it you just smile and nod. My husband is really good at it. ;)

Z- Zoo favorite: I really don't like the zoo much all the caged animals make me sort of sad...I know I'm a sap.

rough patch

My house is a mess. My boys are a handful and then some. I've had one shower and one bath in the last 8 days. I'm tired. I'm sore. I'm edgy and grumpy. My husband had to go back to work on Monday and since I don't like asking people for help, I'm on my own. I managed to do one load of dishes on Monday, nothing on Tuesday, and although my house is falling apart at the seams it's not looking like I have the will to clean today either. My house has never been this messy, and it is driving me crazy, but just adjusting to four kids four and under and the demands of an (extremely sweet and calm) infant is wearing me thin. Seriously if my little strawberry wasn't the angel that she has been I might have had a total melt down by now, but so far I'm still hanging in there. Maybe I should focus on what I have done.

*

I have pushed out a big beautiful baby girl, that was no easy task! I've managed to only freak out on my husband one time in the past week. I've done pretty good at over looking the little stuff that usually drives me crazy (sort of) or at least not addressing it right now. I've managed to feed and cloth and even give my boys a bath this week. I took them all to the library yesterday when we had hit a wall and it was going to get real ugly if we didn't get out. I managed to get them all in and then back out of the library with out much fuss and we even stopped at a park for a bit on the way home. I've managed to spend one on one time with all my boys during the past week to remind them of how special they are to me, and to try to make up for all my grumpy in between.

*

I know this overwhelming part only lasts so long. I know I will be feeling better soon and life will flow the way it is suppose to. I know that I just need to tuck my head down and force my way though this rough patch...but...that knowledge is not making me feel better right now. I'm thinking it might be a crying in the shower sort of day, if I could even take a shower.

Melt down then get it together...

Last night I threw my hands up in the air, declared, "I'm taking a bath", went into the bathroom turned on the water and proceeded to bawl like a baby. Because I'm tired. Everything hurts. It's overwhelming. I can't even keep up with my own schedule at this point, and it's all down hill from her until well after the baby is born. I've been hitting a wall around 5 pm, I am on the go all day long, keeping up with what needs to be done for the most part, but by evening I am burnt out and sore and I just want to be done, but there is always so much more that is left undone no matter how I wore myself out during the day. My belly is huge, I can't get around like normal, my feet ache, my back aches, I can't sleep right, it goes on and on. So I cried. Because I needed a good cry, even if there wasn't a specific reason. Even if it was just a pregnant melt down. I'm perpetually exhausted right now, and I'm like a little child that way, when I'm too tired I just need a good long cry about nothing, or everything, which ever way you want to look at it. I finished up my short bath as my sobs melted away, got out and went straight back to doing what needed to be done. Because we all know that just because we don't want to do it doesn't mean it goes away, and I don't know about you but when I put things off they just pile up and it gets worse and worse, right?! A good hard cry is sometimes just what I need to keep going. Melt down in the shower (it was a bath last night because that's how tired I am I didn't even want to stand up) and then get it together and get back to work, that's my mode of operation. What do you do when things get too overwhelming?

My life in a nut shell

It was a long week.

*

All the regular every day busyness of raising three boys three and under, and caring for three additional childcare kids for an average of 12 hours a day all together. On any given day I have 6 kids in my house under the age of 6, most of them boys! The cooking, the cleaning, the dishes that never stop, the (messy) projects, the story reading, playing with, refereeing, bum wiping, laundry, constant picking up after, and multi-tasking a million different mini-catastrophes in 24 hours is a repetitive never ending process. Add to that the scrap booking I have been trying to catch up on, and the HuGe batch of apple sauce I made this week, the apple crisp, more apple sauce, and the peaches I prepped for the freezer, and you have one over whelming week for a pregnant lady. Then like the cherry on top of this chaos pie add to that this end of the week experience.

*

I had to do my grocery shopping last night as tired as I was. I have a busy weekend ahead and knew I would never be able to get it done before the weekend was over. So after I waited patiently (ha, ha) for my husband to get home and shower so that I could leave I hurried out the door. List in hand I crawled into the van, it was around 6 :30 and I hadn't eaten dinner first. Not a good idea. Got to the grocery store and moved robot style through the isle grabbing what I needed. Filled the cart to the max as usual and pushed it along on aching feet to the check out counter. Lady starts ringing up my groceries, small chat, lie and say I'm feeling great, how about her? Reach into my purse and at the same time get the sinking feeling that my wallet isn't in there. Yeah. A good portion of my groceries are rung up at this point. I blurt out that my wallet isn't in my purse while I am still frantically looking for a wallet that I know isn't in there, and that I need to check my van. This has never happened to me before. I was mortified, the lady was so sweet though and said she would just save them for me. I told her I might have to go all the way home (which I did!) and she was still sweet. So home I rushed at almost 8 pm to find my wallet, I might have started to hyperventilate and I was definitely sobbing when I flew into the house frantic for my wallet which I had left on the top of the computer desk after ordering a present for Bubu's up coming birthday. My husband offered to go back but I was so freaked out when I left the store that I couldn't remember what check stand I had been at and only remembered what the oh so kind lady looked like. So I had to walk back into the store, swollen eyes and all (at least I had been able to force myself to stop crying on the way back) and pay and wait for the groceries to be hauled back up front. So. Stinkin. Embarrassing. I know I looked like a crazy pregnant mess at that point, and I was starting to feel dizzy because I needed to eat and I was still choking back tears and trying to put a fake smile on my face. Horrid. Got home, helped put kids to bed because now it was past bedtime for them, before I finally got to eat at 9, what a night. Nothing ever seems to be simple in my life I swear.

*

Next time someone asks me what I do for work I am going to tell them I am a multi-tasking, mini-catastrophe handling manager of a large Enterprise. I take no vacations, or sick days and I work 14-24 hours a day 365 days a year...no wonder I can't keep my head on straight! Ahhhhh...now I like that...that made me feel just a little bit better. If I had thought of that while I was standing in the grocery store last night I might not have felt so frustrated with myself.

:)

FYI

I just sneezed...and wet myself. As in I need a diaper. I love being pregnant.

*

Oh, we're not that good of friends yet, too much information, yeah...

It's just a teaser.

Daisy. My favorite flower. I have about four or five different types in my garden up front and they are all blooming right now...so pretty. So...Welcome to my tiny garden. The taster garden as I like to call it. We don't have much space at this house so I have had to make do with two little garden boxes that my husband made for me. Better then nothing that's for sure! Still a teaser though, just makes me want the real thing.

Pretty soon this bush zucchini will be spilling out into the aisle and tripping me up! Can't wait to make zucchini bread, love it.

My artichokes, yummy, yum, yum!

This year I kinda just threw everything in there last minute, next year I will have to plan it a little better. Plus for some reason I forgot to plant lettuce or spinach, so sad.

There are my cherry tomato plants, and I think some early girls too, who knows, the boys destroyed so many of them and lost the tags and I bought new ones and they destroyed some of those and it went on and on so the survivors will just surprise us all. I need to find them some bigger containers though, they have so out grown those ones! The little pots sitting on the other side my mommy brought over for me, mint and rhubarb. Got to get around to planting the rhubarb out front (away from the boys) and the mint into bigger containers. Or leaving them in those containers until they die, I'm good at that too.

Wonderful

Wow, I've had such a wonderful Mother's day!

Truthfully I wasn't even expecting it. Things have been so stressful with everything that has been going on with my husband's mother that my husband has been understandably distracted and a bit depressed as of late. I ended up in a rotten mood yesterday, which escalated into a horrifically nasty mood when I discovered that the babies had ripped up Every Single Tomato Plant that I had just planted into bigger containers. So Frustrating! The night ended with Atty climbing-fully clothed in his PJ- back into the bathtub that Bubu was still splashing around in. Uurrggg! I went to bed feeling like a rotten, mean, frustrated, overwhelmed mom, certainly not deserving of a day.

...But, I woke up determined to have a better day with my boys (getting to sleep in really helped my mood!) and I was greeted with breakfast and coffee. My hubby made me waffles, from scratch, with fruit sauce and turkey bacon which I had been craving. The waffles turned out so yummy (I had my doubts I'll admit it). The boys had all made really cute pictures for me and hubby got me a sweet card and a beautiful Lily for the garden. So sweet. Even J remembered to wish me a happy Mother's day, and he was sweet and helpful ALL day! Then my hubby told me he wanted to show me some furniture at a local furniture store. I guess J and my hubby had stopped in there the day before and saw a couch they thought I would love, and they wanted to show me the dinning room tables. I have been whining about getting a matching living room set of some sort since we moved in, and a new dinning table. I've been checking on Craigslist and such for quite a while now and haven't found anything I like. We have never owned a new piece of furniture, let alone a furniture set, right now there is one ugly old blue couch sitting all alone in my living room, and I hate it. It has been a year since we moved in and it's still the only piece of furniture in the whole room. We have also out grown our table that we have owned for the last eight years. It only sits four, ha, ha! Not working anymore. So anyways we went and boy, I got lost and everything was beautiful and well we spent more on furniture then I've ever imagined, I still feel guilty about it and probably will for years. I got a beautiful couch and love seat set that is dark brown, and a table that sits six, yeah! I didn't get any end tables or a coffee table or anything else because it all was really too expensive. I will just look for those things elsewhere. My husband was so nice about it, and really wanted me to pick out something I liked and was even encouraging me to go for the nicer couch when we had finally narrowed it down to two. What a dream. We ended up getting the couch they thought I would love, they are so smart. Hope they actually fit in my little tiny living room! I wanted a table that would sit eight, but trying to cram one of those into my dinning room would have been impossible.

Anyways after that I rushed off to go visit with my mom at a beautiful garden that was open for a mother's day celebration. Hubby and J went off to visit with their mom. While we were at the garden a man from the Herald newspaper asked if he could follow up around and take pictures of my boys! I think he liked the fro-hawks. He followed us around for about 20 minutes snapping pictures, it was quite the experience. Kind of embarrassing, but I can't lie, I will be excited if my boys end up in the paper! He got lots of Atty, can't miss that red fro-hawk or his big personality. My mom said she would keep an eye out, just in case any of the pictures make the cut. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that there won't be any of me! They won't be of Bubu because he was holding my mom's hand and she was trying desperately to hide from the camera. She was also laughing hysterically the whole time because she thought it was funny. She does that when she is nervous or what not, and it's always so embarrassing. She will get started and seriously won't be able to stop, she goes into a giggle fit. It happens to me occasionally and it terrifies me. I don't want to curse my sons with that!

Now we are back home and I'm waiting for the hubby to make it back too. He said he would clean up the kitchen and do the dishes, which would be a great end to a wonderful day, but I won't hold my breath. It was nice regardless, and not one little fit from any of the boys the whole day...so far...I guess I shouldn't brag yet, they are still awake after all!

...and now we are here...

One year ago we became home owners. It was a proud day, a day we worked harder towards then I could even describe. We had a lot of step backs, a lot of unexpected life changes but we made it. We were finally standing on our front steps. With our boys. A home of our own.

My husband and I both had really rough childhoods, not a very good start in life to say the least. Many people at one point in our lives didn't think we would ever amount to much. We were angry and deeply hurt as teenagers. We could have chosen paths of destruction and we both almost did. So when I look at this picture and think of everything that happened in our lives before this point it brings me to tears. It's more then just owning a piece of property, it's the sweat and tears it took for us to be home owners, to live that dream. Something I could barely imagine as we were struggling through life, just trying to keep our heads above water. We had been working so hard for years prior to this, it felt like we finally had something to show for it all.

*

My husband never had a home. He moved from one place to another though out his childhood. Never the same place to rest his head. For him this was one of the biggest things he could give his kids, a place of their own. A safe place called home. To see his face, and how proud he felt when we walked though that door, that's what meant the most to me. He loved everything about the home, which was good considering he bought it with me sight unseen! Well I showed him pictures I took but that was it.

*

The year it took to find this house was so stressful. I had to do all the house tours by myself, pick the Realtors (I went through 3!), fill out the paperwork, everything on my own with three boys under two and a full time daycare to keep running. My bestest friend Iva saved me beyond words. My mom and other friends lent a helping hand, my husband did what he could but he had to work full time. To say I had a few emotional freak outs is still putting it lightly. I had just had a baby when we started, Atty was a little baby too being only four months older then Spike, and I was dealing with a teenager going through issues of his own. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and almost about ready to crack by the time I stood on the front steps of my home. It was like a breath of fresh air.

*

We had no family to loan us money, no strings to pull, and honestly not a lot of money saved. But we had a great net work of friends and family to lean on for emotional and physical support, and we managed to time it just right and jump into the market at just the right time. It was scary. One of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever made. I essentially lost my job and bought a home at the same time. On the faith that I would be able to start up my business at the new location. It seemed like one of the most irresponsible, yet responsible decisions we had ever made as parents. We had three little mouths to feed, a huge responsibility to keep a roof over their heads. I had nightmares of loosing the new home and living under a bridge for months after we moved in, I was so afraid we wouldn't be able to make the mortgage payment on one income, let alone all the bills. One of the biggest things this last year has taught me... trust in God.

Our first year as home owners we encountered many unexpected things. Here is a list of some of the things that happened;

*The heater in our bathroom broke in the first week, still not fixed.

*We managed to blow up our hot tub, still not fixed.

*The top of our pond split and the crack got worse and worse. The water started spilling out in all the wrong places. The algae took over and the water got all murky and the fish were about to pack up and leave. We just (sort of) got that fixed last weekend.

*Our hot water heater went on the fritz in the dead of winter. It took two weeks for the part we had to order to make it through all the snow. Two weeks with out hot water, at Christmas time, horrid. My amazing husband fixed his first water heater and saved us all. He's awesome.

*Atty cracked the toilet tank and flooded the bathroom and hall. My hubby fixed that too.

*My garbage disposal just up and quit working and every time you would run the dishwasher the sink would flood. You would have to stand there and bucket water into the other side of the sink or it would flood the counter tops. My hubby figured out how to fix it thank goodness!

*The fan on our main heater seems to be going out, the only heat source in the house, thank goodness it's almost summer. We probably won't bother to fix it until we go to turn it back on next winter, and find out it's completely broken, because that's how we roll.

There's been many other little unexpected things that have happened as new home owners but those are the main ones. They may seem silly but we rented for so long and all we had to do was call the landlord and leave the fixing up to them, so this was a whole new ball game for us. Just last weekend when Ryder was trying to figure out how to get the pond pump to turn on again, J said "just call the landlord". Which I admit still fleets across my mind when something breaks down, until I remember, Oh Yeah I get the pleasure of fixing this myself (or at least my husband does).

This is what the front flower bed looks like this year. It was pretty empty, but I had a ton of plants that I was bringing with me. I couldn't even bring them all, because if you noticed, there is gravel everywhere. It's so yucky. This side bed was the only one with dirt in it. I made it slightly bigger then it originally was, and it was so hard to move all the gravel and weed barrier and add soil in just for a few extra feet of flower bed. When we first moved in I had all these plans to replace all the gravel up front with soil and turn them into beautiful flower beds, but after doing that little add on I was exhausted. I decided the gravel keeps the weeds aways so maybe it's not so bad after all. :) Maybe a couple years from now I will be brave enough to tackle it.

This is the front of our house one year later. I have added more plants into the gravel, and plan on added even more this year. I've got to figure out how to make it look better with out taking all the gravel up. The soil underneath the gravel, nasty. I love the house, but the yard is not a plant lovers dream. I did manage to get my husband to make me some little garden boxes on the side of the house, which is also covered in gravel. The previous owners had a love affair with gravel I fear. Not the pretty kind of rock either, just regular ol' gravel. So now I get a little garden, which is nice. Gardening is a hobby of mine, and even the little bit that I get to do is good for my soul. If I got my way I'd be in the yard all day, or at the local nursery. The inside of my house on the weekends in the summer time...not so nice.

*

So anyways this long drawn out post was just a way to reminisce this past year and the years prior that brought us to this date, our one year anniversary as home owners.

Just answer the questions...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No, I was named after the wind. "They call the wind Miriah".

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I am pregnant, don't ask.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Sometimes, but it has a tendency to be really sloppy, I am a lefty after all.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Yuck.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, 3 beautiful boys, and one on the way!

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? No, I pity the fool.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Sarcasm is my middle name. I can't even help myself.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes...weird question.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Heck No!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Honey Bunches of Oats.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I don't really like ice cream unless it's really hot out, then I can go for any thing mocha flavored.

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Their eyes, tells a lot about a person.

14. RED OR PINK? Neither, I like earthy colors, browns, greens.

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOUR SELF? My temper.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I don't know. The only person I can think of is my sister that passed away. Clara Mae. But I never even really knew her, I was little only about two years old and she only lived for less then two weeks. I always just wished that I did know her, and that we could have grown up together. Still gets me teary when I think about it, I will see her again some day I know. For now I stop often and look at her baby picture on my wall, she was beautiful.

17. DO YOU WANT EVERY ONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST? Yes, every one in the whole wide word. Silly question.

18. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Brown sweat pants, no shoes in the house.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? My husband reading to my boys, so cute!

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Fern green.

21. FAVORITE SMELLS? When it rains, fresh cut grass, the beach, evergreen trees, new born babies, cucumbers, lavender.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON THAT YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My hubby.

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I stole the idea from Mama, but yeah I like her just fine.

24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? None. I rarely watch TV. Only sport I ever liked to watch was when J played Basketball, that was fun! When to every game.

25. HAIR COLOR? Natural? I guess you would call it Auburn. The older I get the darker it gets though. I put Henna in it, to bring out the red, and it gets really light in the summer time.

26. EYE COLOR? Hazel.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? No, I wish though. I am blind as a bat, and the kids always try to grab my glasses off my face, so I rarely wear them.

28. FAVORITE FOOD? I love most anything, except red meat and pork (is that considered red meat too?). When we go out to eat, which is rare, it is usually Oriental or Mexican.

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings, I never ever watch a scary movie on purpose. I can scare myself just fine thank you!

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? A kids movie I am sure, just don't remember which one. Lion King was on last, but I wasn't really watching it.

31. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Green.

32. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer for sure!

33. HUGS OR KISSES? Depends on who's giving them out! In general hugs, from my hubby or adorable little boys, I'd have to say both.

34. FAVORITE DESSERT? Not a big dessert person, but just about anything with fruit in it.

35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Huh?

36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Dumb question, don't waste my time...I've got kids.

37. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING RIGHT NOW? Wish I was.

38. WHAT IS ON YOU MOUSE PAD? Is there suppose to be something on my mouse pad? If so then I must be really boring, because I just have a plain blue mouse pad, guess I am not cool enough for pictures.

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Don't have cable, only movies here, and we weren't watching any last night.

40. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Laughter, sounds of nature, running river water, the ocean, my children's voices (when they are not whining or crying), my husbands voice, wind, and even rain...at first. I do live in Washington, so eventually the sound of rain just gets annoying.

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles.

42. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Florida when I was 12. Where I devoured grapefruit morning, noon, and night. So sweet and delicious!

43. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL TALENTS? I am the queen of multi-tasking, does that count as a talent?

44. WHO'S ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK? Is this a filler question, like they ran out of ideas or something?

45. HOW DID YOU MET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I was 15, visiting friends and they told me a boy named Ryder was coming over and I knew right then that I just had to met him, and it was love at first sight, on my end. He was interested in me too, and turned on the charm, he got me with those eyes. Those big blue sunburst eyes.

the voice

Hubby's back to work! Yeah!!

He just started today, got the call yesterday, gone today. We will see how it goes. The only thing is it's at an Shell oil refinery, and it's really a pretty scary job, so I'm a little freaked out. Trying not to think about it to much. They are also working up to 7 days a week, 12 hour days right now, and there is a good possibility that he will be put on night shift. Ugggg! I mean the pay check is much needed, but I worry about his health and my sanity.

I was admittedly really liking the extra help. Need it. At least for another month or so. It is going to take a lot of energy I don't have right now to go back to the whole "single" parent thing. Being responsible for everything and not getting any breaks at all. Keeping the daycare running right now is hard enough. He won't be able to and I won't want him to be doing extra when he gets home if he is working those long hours. If he works nights, I will never sleep. I am a serious wimp about him not being here at night. There was only one other time when he worked a swing shift, and I hated it. Plus how will he ever get any good sleep, childcare is not a quiet business!

So a huge part of me is relieved that he has been called in to work, but there is this pesky little voice in me that is squeaking "what about me, don't leave me all alone with these little boys, I don't feel good, take care of me, help!" I am trying desperately to tune it out, because it is selfish, but it has a pretty high pitch to it.

One last round

I am for sure, without a doubt, sick, sick, sick...I mean pregnant!

So people I am one of those lucky girls that gets sick and dizzy and tired from the moment of conception on through about four months along. Uuuugggg...at least I can still eat and cook food with out gagging at this stage because it is still really early. Really, really early. I found out super early with Spike too. Pretty soon though I will be able to smell cigarette smoke from 10 miles away and it will throw me into a tizzy. I will detest anything made of meat, and gag at the smell of meat cooking. I will crave eating fruit and fruit only. I will gain 50-55 pound, just like the other two pregnancies, no matter how hard I try not too. I even went on a special diet when I was pregnant with Spike, to try and keep him smaller (as in 10 lbs 3 ounces instead of 10 lbs 11.5 ounces like his big brother) didn't work so well, I still gained 50 lbs! I'm sure there will be plenty of other surprises in store for me this time, I will just have to wait and see.

Being as this is my third and last pregnancy, I am hoping to really treasure it. I had a hard time with my feelings last time when I was pregnant with Spike. I didn't get to focus on being pregnant, and things were really stressful and overwhelming with Tank being placed with us unexpectedly when I was 5 months pregnant. J was still living with us then also, and there was a lot of stress involved with trying to raise him. My whole pregnancy kind of got skipped over as everyone, myself included was focused on little baby Atty. When we were in public, people would double take me, because I was so obviously pregnant looking but at the same time I had a two month old on my hip, and they just couldn't figure it out. People seemed afraid to make comments about my pregnancy, my mom for the most part was to distracted(My brother is Atty's biological father, so the whole thing hit her pretty hard) to pay any attention to me at all. My husband was having a hard time. I felt very alone. I was so tired from caring for an infant, that had serious trouble sleeping, that when Spike was born, I was already burnt out. For me Spikes infancy is a blur. I barely survived, and I most definitely didn't get to enjoy it as much as I wish I could have. Still makes me sad when I think about it. So although Spike was going to be our last, before Tank was placed with us, we decided to try one more time. The final pregnancy, which I am hoping I will be able to focus on more. I am going to make the effort to do so anyways. Being as the youngest will be almost two and a half by the time this baby is born,(when Spike was born the oldest was only 20 months!) it will be a lot easier to focus on the new infant then before, that's for sure.

So hopefully, God willing, everything will continue to go well and I will have lots to tell you. As I said it is still really early and we haven't even told many people yet, I always try to wait until I get through the first trimester. Judging by how sick and dizzy and grumpy I am though I would say everything seems to be going fine...

What kind of mom am I?

Some times I feel like the worse mom in the world.

I had such high hope, grand dreams of the mother I would be as I embarked on this exciting adventure. I felt well equipped. Working in the childcare field for a long time prior to having children, an avid reader of all things related to child development and parenting. Having taken lots of classes in child development and child care. Being the oldest of five children. Had a plan set up, waited until I felt old enough, secure enough, wise enough. Feeling like a smart a@#.

There is no such thing, you can not be wise enough. Uuuggggg, I constantly feel like a bumbling idiot! Ten steps behind. More often then I want to admit I end the day feeling like a failure. I yelled too much, I didn't spend enough quality time with them, didn't truly listen to their needs, was nasty and short tempered, forgot to brush their teeth, let them watch to much TV so I could get chores done, and on and on and on. Mostly it's the yelling, never wanted to be a yeller. I did really well in the beginning with my first. Practically everything by the book, I might have even been able to win awards for my most excellent mothering (joke). Then I got pregnant again and the hormones kicked in, I had a teenage J to deal with, Tank came, then Spike was born, and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in years! Everything I have to do, need to do and want to do is piling up around me. The pressure and stress of it all starts to get me, the boys do something obnoxious for the umteenth time and bam, mom blows her top. I hear myself, and it makes me sick. I want to curl up in my bed and cry because I know better, I should be able to stop myself. I'm afraid that when my kids think of their mom they will think of an angry screaming mom that was always dashing around the house and never had time for them.

That's not to say that we don't spend any time together, because we do. It just doesn't seem like enough. Doesn't seem good enough or out shadow all the shouting. All the frustration. All the demands. I hate the mom I am being right now, would hate to have a mom like me. I want desperately to get back to the mom I was, the mom I was proud to be. The mom that felt like over all she was doing a good job. Instead of going to bed hoping I am not screwing them up to much.

playing catch up

So I am feeling a bit of mommy guilt. I swore I would do everything the same for all my kids and I put forth a good faith effort I really did. It's just that I set the bar So High with my first that I can't possibly compete, I am failing miserably.

I took Bubu in for professional pictures every two months until he was a year, then his 18 month, and his two year picture. I wrote in every portion of his elaborate baby book. I did a journal entry every month until he was two! Made him a scrapbook of his first year. Every little thing he did. Everything! Pictures, pictures, pictures. I swear I took pictures daily when he was a baby. It's like those videos that are put together of something that is captured growing by taking rapid pictures over a certain amount of time. I could do a flip book of him morphing into a three year old.

Then along came Atty, and even though I was 5 months pregnant I was determined to do the same for him. I started out doing a pretty good job I'd have to say. Took him in for all his professional pictures (up to a year), wrote in his baby book on time, journal entries monthly, took pictures, but it was all a little less, a little harder to keep up. I did put together a photo album of his first year, but never even started on a scrapbook. Then we moved and it all fell apart for the most part.

Poor Spike, he didn't even get a chance. When he was born, Atty was 4 months old, Bubu was 20 months old, and life was hectic to say the least. I have never been so tired in all my life, the kind of tired were your bones are tired. The kind of tired were if you allow yourself to sit still for one moment your eyes will be rolling into the back of your head, dead a** tired. I tried, I really did, it started out well, took him to all his pictures (just not always on time) until he was 10 months old, sort of wrote in his baby book, journal entries (less), took pictures if someone put the camera in my hand...he is the only baby that didn't get a professional one year photo, so it is missing from the wall and reminds me of what a slacker I have become with him. He is also the only baby that doesn't even have a photo album of his first year, let alone a scrapbook.

And now I realized with a start last night that I haven't wrote in the journals for any of the boys since June! I don't really feel bad about not keeping up with Bubu's, because his became a once and a while thing any ways after he turned two, but Atty and Spike, I really wanted to at least muddle through until they were two. So now my dilemma is, should I just play catch up for the last months missed and pretend like I wrote every month, so they will never know. Or should I just skip the last months and start journal entries again. I just keep envisioning them older, asking me why I didn't care about them as much...which of course isn't true, but I did put a lot more effort into everything with Bubu. I'm more inclined to fake it, any suggestions?

The icing on the crap cake...

I have to take a moment for me. So bare with me, I'm about to vent. Yesterday was horrific, and it managed to carry on into today for that matter. I have been really sick lately, and on top of just generally not feeling well, I managed to get me a nasty sinus infection. I went to a walk-in clinic a few weeks ago and the doctor there gave me antibiotics, which I hate to take, but did, and it still didn't fix it. So I made an appointment with a naturopathic doctor. I prefer them anyways, but since we are still fairly new to the area, I hadn't pick a primary doctor yet. So anyways it's hard for me to go to appointments with the childcare, my mom is the only one who can cover for me right now, because she meets with licensing guidelines, but she is a busy lady, so I had to schedule a dentist appointment and a doctor appointment in the same day, to make good use of her time.

This is were it went bad, very, very, bad. I hate going to the dentist. I am terrified of needles. You would think after two pregnancy's, one of which ended up as a C-section, that I would be over that by now, but I am so not! I managed to survive the shot in my mouth, barely, and then they started drilling and boom...shooting pain! I freak, they stop, he gives me another shot, they start again, and ouch...more shooting pain! So I am bawling by this point, because this has happened more then once in the past, I don't know why I don't numb, and it's scary and it really HURTS. They stop again, get out the laughing gas, attempt to calm my now hysterical self down, and then proceed to give me yet another shot straight into the gums. Finally I was completely numb, and they finished their evil work. It sucked! By the time I was leaving, I could barely talk, because my tongue and half my face was completely numb, I sounded ridiculous.

So a little later that same day I am off to the doctor. Everything went fine, although I almost bit off his fingers because I forgot that my jaw was sore, so when he told me to say aaaahhhhh, and started to take a peek in my mouth, I proceeded to yelp in pain and snap my mouth down on the tongue depressor thingy. Which freaked out the poor man. I'm sure he thought I was some sort of crazy finger biter! A brief explanation was needed. Anyways he told me that I am indeed sick (No way, really?) and that I desperately need to reduce the amount of stress in my life and boost my immune system so that I can start feeling better. He gave me lots of *useful* (sarcastic statement) suggestions for over all health like get a solid nights sleep, and more then 4-5 hours (ha, ha, I've got 3 boys 3 and under mister!), take 45 minute walks alone for stress reduction (Oh sure, I have 45 spare minutes laying around), drink 48-64 ounces of water a day (okay I admit that's a good one, but I seriously don't have time to pee that much!). When he wrote up my treatment plan the first thing he wrote on there was the thing about more water, which when my husband saw that he had an "I told you so" moment. Annoying! But the doctor also wrote on there that I needed steam inhalation, which I told my husband had to come in the form of long hot baths, doctors orders.

Speaking of baths, I decided to take one that very same night, last night. My husband had picked up some peppermint extract, suggested by the doctor, and so I ran a bath and dumped some in...OMGoodness...what a way to end a wretched day! No it was not in a good way, I dumped way to much in, apparently you are only suppose to use a few drops, and well I'm not even sure how much I put in there but it was way to much! I started to feel a cold sensation, followed by a cold, but burning sensation, followed by an Oh CR#@ thought, and I jumped up and started showering off, and my skin was on fire, but I was freezing cold at the same time. Like when you put the icy hot stuff on sore muscles. I got all light headed and I started screaming for my husband, he came in, and freaked out, because apparently the stench of peppermint was so strong his eyes started watering. Only I would be such and idiot. So there I stood, buck-naked, shivering and crying while my husband tried to calm me down. It wasn't pretty, literally. I was afraid I would have to go to the ER or something, and have to explain my idiotic self, but instead we put olive oil all over (I was willing to try anything!) and it really helped, but it took a few hours for the cold/hot feeling to go away! Not the relaxing bath I had envisioned.

Then the icing on this crap cake is that Atty broke the toilet in the main bathroom this morning. Broke, Broke, as in need a new toilet. Water was gushing everywhere. He climbed up on the toilet when we were all in there brushing our teeth, and I got him down, and of course he climbed up again because he just HAD to get into the stuff on the shelf above the toilet. So I grabbed him again, and this time he grabbed on and hung on for dear life, putting up a good fight as usual. I am used to this resistance, so I didn't think much of it. Somewhere in between scolding one of the other children because they keep flicking the light on and off, stopping another child with my leg from falling off a stool, and wrestling Atty off the toilet, he managed to lift the lid up with him and then before I could even react he decided to give up the fight and let go, CRACK, the lid hit the tank and it split down the side! I freaked, tried to turn off the water, and as water is pouring out of the toilet I sprinted to the laundry room to grab towels, sprinted back, and then realized in my panicked state that I turned the water all the way up, not down. Urrrrrgggg, righty tighty, lefty loosey, stupid! I guess I didn't really need to turn off the water, just empty the tank, (as hubby patiently let me know, after the fact) but I wasn't thinking to clearly, just panicking. I also started saying "Sh#@, sh@#, sh#@, over and over again- I don't handle these sorts of emergencies well- until I looked up from cramming towels around the toilet and realized that all the kids were staring at me (I only had one daycare kid at the time, I called her mom and explain the situation, and my poor choice of word, which she thankfully understood. Not a shining star moment in the world of childcare.) It's not really that child that I am worried about though, it's my oldest, he likes to pick up on words you would rather he not have heard. So any ways, what was Atty doing while all the flooding was going on? Well he took advantage of the fact that I was good and distracted and went back to climbing up the tallest dresser in their bedroom, and grabbing the breakables off of the shelf that is way up high on their wall for a reason. His newest favorite pass time, besides breaking toilets. When I discovered him up there, my head almost popped off, and I think steam might have started to pour out of my ears!

Yeah, I think I'm doing really well so far at reducing that stress the good ol' doc was talking about...

Passing on the positive.

I have this beautiful quote, with a picture of a sunrise in the background, posted on my fridge. It's titled, Don't Quit, and I stop to read it at least a few times a week. I am going to share it with you. I know we have all had hard times, and it's such a good reminder to stay positive.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.

I think it is so important to keep this attitude and share it with our kids. Teaching them resilience could possibly be the most important thing you ever have to teach.

There is something I tell Bubu when he gets frustrated. When he is trying to do something new or hard and he can't figure it out. When he is whining and wants me to do it for him, I tell him, "try your hardest first, keep trying, and when you feel you have tried your hardest, then let me know and I will be happy to help you." So the other day he couldn't get the door open and I said this to him again, and he kept trying until he got it. Then he turned to me and said, "I tried my hardest and I did it!" He was so proud of himself, and I told him I was proud of him also. It's those little things that help teach resilience to our children.

Then yesterday I was talking out loud while trying to get the lid off a pickle jar, and I was complaining that his dad always tightens the lids so tight and I couldn't get it off. I was about to give up on the pickle idea. Bubu hears this and says to me "try your hardest mom." So noticing a learning moment, and feeling an immense need to set an example of trying your hardest, I stopped my complaining and put some muscles into it. Sure enough I got that lid off, although I think I broke a sweat, all for a pickle! What does my sweet little son tell me next? "I'm so proud of you mom." The point was not getting the lid off, but of trying your hardest before quiting, because you just never know, you might succeed!

Remembering to teach that failure is a learning opportunity, and to keep on going in these moments too, to not let yourself be set back by failure is also so vital. This is when it is the hardest and most important time to keep on going!

Let's keep passing on the positive!

30 RaNdOm things

Thirty random little things about me. *I just picked thirty because I turned thirty this year, seemed fitting.

1) I love the color green, anything green. I love wearing green because I swear it makes my boring hazel eyes look green.
2) I say I hate shopping, but it's really that I have no money to spend.
3) When I buy stuff for myself I usual feel guilty, and end up taking it back. To avoid this, when I feel like shopping, I buy stuff for my boys and then I don't feel as guilty.
4) I use to smoke cigarettes, and now I am a snob about people who smoke, yuck...seriously can you move away from the doors!
5) I obsessively recycle, and feel guilty every time I send a bag of garbage to the dump. This being said, I still send why to much garbage to the dump!
6) I hate clutter, and yet I have so much of it, drives me crazy. I try hard to hid my clutter, so people won't know how much clutter I truly have.
7) I absolutely love silver jewelry and amber gems. Amber is my favorite, it's so fascinating, being as it is actually ancient sap.
8) I love Fall colors. My closet is full of browns, tans, burgundies, greens and such. I can't stand the colors pink, or purple.
9) I hate doing laundry, mostly the folding. I love vacuuming. Drowns out all the noise.
10) I do not like it when people stop by unannounced, seriously...call first!
11) I clean my house like a mad women before people come to visit, I am mortified when people see my house messy. It seriously gets messy in the blink of an eye with three little boys and a daycare.
12) I often act like I am not upset when someone disappoints me, then I cry when they are not there.
13) I have to fight my anxiety on a daily basis.
14) I have unrealistically high standers for myself, and others. And I am an obsessive perfectionist. I am a virgo after all!
15) I am a control freak, and I'm not saying that lightly. I am a CONTROL FREAK!
16) I don't want to disappoint others, so I go out of my way to please, even when I shouldn't.
17) I rarely wear make up.
18) I look mean when I am not smiling.
19) I dye my hair, because I am getting a lot of grey. And because sometimes I get bored with the way I look.
20) I get frustrated and over whelmed way to easily, although I am pretty good at pretending that I have all the patience in the world. I am so good at it I sometimes trick myself, but I can feel the frustration deep down inside.
21) Sometimes I get a crazy urge to run away. Far, far away.
22) I am still scared of the dark, no joke. That's why I don't watch scary movies, because I can think up scary stuff on my own, thank you very much!
23) I love mango, it's by far my favorite fruit.
24) I weighed over 200 lbs when my first son was born, and I was, at first, more upset about that then I was about being told I had to have a C-section because he was breach, and big (10 lbs 10 1/2 ounces).
25) I don't like ice cream, unless it super hot out and it's in a waffle cone.
26) I like to eat left overs for breakfast, or sandwiches. I only like breakfast cereal when I am pregnant.
27) I tell people I don't want any more kids, but I think I am conflicted inside, because I sort of want a girl. But then again, maybe not. See what I mean!
28) Sometimes I get burnt out on childcare, but it does allow me to stay home with my kids, so I keep doing it.
29) I have hidden dirty dishes in a box before, when I needed to clean my house really fast.
30) I really want to live on some property so I can have a little farm, a big garden and most of all a horse.