Swollen eyes and heavy limbs.

It's one of those times in life for me. One of those rough spots. I'm being slammed from the left and then the right and then sucker punched.

I wrote a post a while ago about all the different things that were trying to drag me down, I'm not going to link to it or anything, who really wants to read about all that... but if you did none of that has changed yet. None. Of. It. Plus last week I found out that the one and only full time daycare kid I had right now isn't going to be coming anymore, because her dad got laid off. They were devastated about it and so am I. Childcare is hard for many reasons but one of the biggest for me is how attached I get to the kids. She had been a part of our lives for almost two years now and it's so hard to think of her not being here. I haven't even talked to my kids about it yet because I'm afraid I'll start to cry. She is such a funny girl, so spunky and loving. A little red head. She would tell me every morning "Ms Riah I missed you, I love you." Isn't that the cutest? I hope that her dad will go back to work soon or find another job, because I don't want this to be a permanent thing. I do have another baby starting in May. Such a blessing, not quite a light at the end of the tunnel for me right now but I am excited about it. I have met with them twice now and feel really good about it. He is adorable, such a tiny baby. He was four weeks early so right now at five weeks old he only weighs around eight pounds. To me that's tiny being as my babies were around the ten pound mark at birth! They stopped by yesterday because I am loaning the mom my mobby wrap and we had another nice talk. I do thank God that I have always ended up with such wonderful parents to work with, and it looks like it's happened again. I was hoping to increase my income with the addition of another daycare kid, but at least I know we will be back to the old base line when he starts and that is better then nothing for sure.

I really have been trying so hard to focus on the positive, but I do feel like I'm in a nasty boxing match were my opponent is playing dirty and I have no chance at winning but I stubbornly get back up again. I feel like the only reason I keep dragging my bruised body up again and again is because I see my kids cheering for me on the side lines, waiting for me to hurry up and win. Because in there eyes I can do anything. And so I keep going with swollen eyes and heavy limbs determined to win for them.

My sanity is fleeing...

Because-

• we are starting a third medicine. Three medicines at the same time. Three.
• he is still having seizures.
• his face is painful to look at and I'm sure painful for him to live through.
• thinking about how much his body must ache by now is making me sick to my stomach.
• I've had to give him an emergency med every day for the last four days on top of the medicine he is already taking, just so he can eat and have a bit of a break from the constant muscle contracts, not much of one, but a little bit.
• It is taking forever to get him a helmet.
• trying to keep the daycare going is the last thing I want to do and that makes me sad.
• the financial stresses that already existed are just getting worse.
• I barely have time in the day to enjoy my baby girl. My last little baby.
• the constant phone calls and appointments are getting overwhelming.
• my husband and I are going through a rough spot that might end in separation.
• on top of the demands of a nursing baby, I now have a three year old who can't really do much of anything for himself and two boys who have suddenly forgot how to do anything on their own either. Atty can hardly walk, talk, or feed himself right now. He's drinking out of sippys again and wearing pull ups. Needs constant intense supervision. Extra love and attention, consoling after seizures and when he gets hurt (over and over again). The other two boys see this and start trying to copy Atty all the way down to pretending that they are having seizures. I am in no way ignoring them, in fact I have been trying to make sure I am giving them extra snuggles time, but they are still acting out horribly. And it's hard to be patient with it.
• I am absolutely sleep deprived.
• I have a constant headache or stomachache or both.
• I have to get our tax papers together and I can't even find a spare moment to do something as awful as that.
• The breaks on our van are going out, right when it looks like we will have to make many trips over an hour away to the hospital. Every time I drive it they squeak. Not good.
• my house is falling apart.
• my house can't fall apart because I am still trying to run a business. So even though every one keeps telling me to let the little things go right now for my sanity...I CAN'T. And even though I can't it's sort of happening anyways.
• I have a mountain of dirty laundry in the laundry room that no one could climb and another mountain of clean laundry taking over the couch.
• my Grandma just died and I have to go to her funeral on Sunday. I can't even process that.
• Atty's medical won't cover the new medicine they wanted to put him on, we have to try a different one first and then if that one doesn't work we can appeal.
• ...and I'm starting to swear a lot, it's not pretty. When I've reached the end of my rope, yucky words start flying out of my mouth. It's a weakness I can't seem to get rid of.
• I've lost all control and that freaks me out beyond all reason.
• my eyes are getting bad and I'm afraid to go to the doctor and be told that I'm having a flair up again but I know I can't put it off or I'm risking going blind, but I have no idea how I will even get into the doctor anyways with every thing that is going on right now. Wow that was a long pathetic run on sentence. That's kind of how my brain is operating right now. One big long run on sentence.
• my Rock in this raging river succumbed to stress and is no longer there for me. I can't go to him for comfort. I feel alone even though I have many wonderful friends. Depression is coming on in waves. My husband and I have been through many rough times, but I have to say he picked the wrong time to act out. Wrong time to be selfish.
• my mom and I had an argument when I was in the hospital with Atty that has yet to be resolved. It goes deeper then it sounds.
• I want a moment for myself. Without feeling guilty for wanting a moment to myself.
• I feel like I'm being hit from every angle and my feet are about to slip out from under me.

Food for thought

Perhaps you don't consider yourself an affluent person. If you have doubts about meeting the criteria for affluence, try answering the following questions:

1. Do you have more than one pair of shoes?
2. Do you have more than one choice about what you will eat for each meal?
3. Do you have access to your own means of transportation?
4. Do you have more than one set of underwear?

If you answered "yes" to three or more of these questions, then by the overall standards of the world, you are affluent. Fewer then 10 percent of all people who have ever lived have been able to answer "yes" to three or more of these questions at any one time in their lives.

This is from the book "Raising Self-Reliant Children In A Self-Indulgent World" by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen (She's one of my favorites) and I wanted to share it with you. I own this great book and have reread it many times now. The questions above always remind me of how much we have, how much we take for granted. I have been caught up many times in the poor me mentality, we don't have as much as others, I can't get my kids, my husband, myself what I want to get, we don't have enough money, enough stuff. Some times it's hard to fight these feelings. I've looked at my selection of shoes more then once and thought, I don't have the perfect shoes for this outfit, I need another better pair of shoes. I've felt sorry for myself at the grocery store wishing I didn't have to buy only the bare basics, forgetting that I am able, unlike many others, to buy the bare basics. We always have a choice about what we eat at every meal. We have a van that transports all of use where we need to go and I take it for granted. I have complained about it many times. Why didn't we get the one were the doors open automatically with the push of a button. One with a better seat arrangement. A top rack...and on and on. I forget that we are so blessed to have anything that will take us easily from point A to point B, and what a blessing that is with four children four and under! The last question always get me. Do you have more then one set of underwear? Wow, there are more pairs of underwear collectively in this house then you would care to count. I have never thought twice about that. Never. In fact I just bought some more the other day because they had a superhero that my son likes on them. He didn't need more, I just knew he would like them and I thought...hey you can't have too many pairs of underwear right? Not even thinking about the fact that many have none, something so simple and so over looked by me. I can answer yes to every one of these, I have underwear, I am affluent. In the scope of the world my cup is overflowing and then some. That doesn't make me feel good, that makes me sad. I read something like this and I realize once again that truly we have to much. More then enough. I feel selfish. Self centered. I feel I need to do more. If a third of the world has never owned a pair of shoes, I need to give more. If a major cross section of the world population wonders if it will eat more than once during the day, and is grateful for the same food every single day, I need to give more. If about half of the people in the world walk everywhere and can only fantasize about having a vehicle at their disposal, I need to give more. I need to do more. I need to care more. For others. At the very least I need to start being more thankful for what my family does have, and stop believing the lie that we need more. A lie that is pushed on use this time of year more then any other. Don't believe the lie. If you can answer yes to three or more of the questions above, then count your blessings, hug your family and put a smile on your face!

Little details

I was trying to think of the things I am most thankful for and one of them is my sight. Because of a rare eye condition I have I could go blind at any time. My vision has definitely deteriorated over the years. There is no cure I just have to try to keep myself from going there. So I am thankful for every day that I can memorize my children's faces, just in case. To watch a sunset. To see a Unicorn sky. A beautiful ocean, a running river, a peaceful lake. I am thankful for all the colors of fall, the white of winter, the brilliant green of spring and my gardens overflowing in summer, bursting with life. I will memorize the sunshine's in my husbands eyes, the vibrant blue of bubu's eyes, the warm brown of Atty's and the deep blue eyes with the longest lashes I have ever seen on Spike. The beauty of my daughter's face. All of their expressions. I will drink in the beauty of nature and give thanks. The sunlight filtering through tree branches. Daisy's growing on the side of the road. Ferns. Fields of wildflowers. All the colors of fresh fruits and vegetables. I am thankful for every rainbow I have seen and will see. For rainy days. Snowflakes falling silently from the sky. Every art project the kids do. I love photos, there are pictures all over my house. I love them because they capture memories for me that I can reminisce about as I gaze at them and I am thankful for that. I enjoy looking at professional photographs too, photos that can capture the intensity of real life. Photos that notice the little things and bring them to life. I love studying them, noticing the color, the angles, the emotion. I am thankful for my sight so that I can cook and craft. Scrapbook and make blankets. So that I can type and read and write with ease. Enjoy a good book. Watch a movie. Witness my children playing together, seeing all their firsts, seeing the love in my family's eyes. I am thankful to have witnessed birth, seeing my children for the first time. All their tiny fingers and toes. Baby rolls. Looking at my children as they nurse all snuggled into me. Seeing the love in my husbands eyes when he sees our children. Seeing the emotion in his face when I catch him staring at me. As I started thinking about all these things I realized that there is so much in every little moment that I see and want to memorize, store away in my brain and treasure forever. It's the littlest things, like a drop of rain at the tip of a leaf, or a fleeting smile on a baby's face that I treasure the most. When I was younger I would always draw eyes, I was fascinated by them. Close ups of big eyes with long lashes. When I would draw faces the eyes would always be prominent. I've always appreciated them for their beauty and ability and for what they tell about a person. Now they are one of the things I am most thankful for.

A little bit of thankfulness...

~I am thankful for those rare quiet mornings when all my little early risers sleep in and I have a moment to myself in a relatively clean house. ~ Now that my husband is working again ((big smile)) it's so nice to wake up to coffee already made, and he always makes enough to leave me a cup. ~ We pulled out the Christmas tubs yesterday, and our tree (yes we have a fake tree). I love looking at all the little ornaments we have collected over the years and I am looking forward to putting them up on the tree this week, I call it my patchwork tree. We have collected a lot of Christmas books and stuffed animals over the years too, which I also unpacked last night. I am so thankful that my boys have a love for reading (as in listening while I read). They were the most excited about the 'new' books. Looking at them all snuggled up with the stuffed animals, squished together on the couch, listening to me read Christmas books, it warmed my heart. I over heard Bubu calling God on his toy cell phone and thanking him for Christmas and telling him all about the Christmas stuff we have, it was adorable. ~ While the wind has been raging (crazy wild winds lately) and the rain pouring I give thanks for every night that my children go to bed in a warm home with food in their bellies and love in their hearts.~

Melt down then get it together...

Last night I threw my hands up in the air, declared, "I'm taking a bath", went into the bathroom turned on the water and proceeded to bawl like a baby. Because I'm tired. Everything hurts. It's overwhelming. I can't even keep up with my own schedule at this point, and it's all down hill from her until well after the baby is born. I've been hitting a wall around 5 pm, I am on the go all day long, keeping up with what needs to be done for the most part, but by evening I am burnt out and sore and I just want to be done, but there is always so much more that is left undone no matter how I wore myself out during the day. My belly is huge, I can't get around like normal, my feet ache, my back aches, I can't sleep right, it goes on and on. So I cried. Because I needed a good cry, even if there wasn't a specific reason. Even if it was just a pregnant melt down. I'm perpetually exhausted right now, and I'm like a little child that way, when I'm too tired I just need a good long cry about nothing, or everything, which ever way you want to look at it. I finished up my short bath as my sobs melted away, got out and went straight back to doing what needed to be done. Because we all know that just because we don't want to do it doesn't mean it goes away, and I don't know about you but when I put things off they just pile up and it gets worse and worse, right?! A good hard cry is sometimes just what I need to keep going. Melt down in the shower (it was a bath last night because that's how tired I am I didn't even want to stand up) and then get it together and get back to work, that's my mode of operation. What do you do when things get too overwhelming?

At least it starts out well

Does anyone else feel like they got punched in the stomach by the time they leave the grocery store? I can't believe how much I end up having to pay for our groceries every week. With the daycare and my own hungry boys.

It always starts out well. As I am going through the store looking for the deals yet making sure to buy healthy. We are big on whole grains and organics which of course cost more, but make me feel good about the choices I am making. Until I go to pay that is! Organic milk for instance, almost six dollars a gallon! I have to buy half organic and half regular milk and just alternate between the two because I flat out can't afford it! I rarely buy name brand, unless it's a better deal. I seldom buy prepared foods. I buy little meat, because I don't cook (because I myself don't eat) cows or pigs. We eat a lot of rice and beans that I buy in bulk and we still end up spending around 250.00 a week in groceries or more. This seems like a lot to me. Am I wrong? I am thrifty and I hate spending money if I don't have to so maybe I am just hating having to shell out so much money just to go back in a week and shell out some more. Oh and then there is also Atty's food allergies. He is allergic to wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, and coconut so far. We still have to do the elimination diet for corn and eggs. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shop and cook when you have to keep that food out? I often have to make a whole separate menu just for him. The specialty food is so much more expensive too, it's outrageous. A lot of the times he doesn't even really like it, which ends up being an waste of food and money. I don't blame him though some of it is really gross.

Being pregnant and hormonal I almost cried yesterday when I did my usually shopping trip. It's just so frustrating, we don't even buy many extras (if any) and we still end up spending so much on food. I know I am mostly stressed because my husband is laid off again but still. I know that we can live off of rice and bean we have many times, but I prefer to feed my boys well rounded healthy meals. Maybe I should just stop looking at the total and just pay with my eyes closed? Any ideas...

Mushy-smushy...

I went alone to a baby shower last weekend and during the long drive there I started thinking about how next month is our anniversary, Ryder and I. We will be celebrating four years of marriage, and 15 years since our eyes met as he walked into the room. I was 15 years old when we met. So now he has been in my life for half of my life time! That got me thinking, and crying and all sentimental. So many things have happened since he first entered my world in 1994.
(I am not 500 lbs in this picture, I'm just wearing everything I owned at the time or something, I use to layer, a lot. Not that it really matters, I just felt an unnecessary need to explain for some reason. Sorry for the rotten picture, it's was taken in 94 and it's a picture of a picture, so yeah...)

*

He is the only man I have ever been in love with. He is the only man who has the total ability to shatter my heart to pieces, which he did by the end of the summer we met. It was initially a short intense summer romance, which then dragged on for about another year of on again off again turmoil. Then we lost contact and what followed for me was a couple years of heart break and then soul searching. By the time I recovered and was headed in my own direction he reappeared in my life and still had the ability to make my heart race at the sound of his voice.

I tried to tell myself not to fall in love with him, but with in a year of his reappearance in 98, I was again hopelessly in love. Lucky for me this time so was he. We got back together and have been together ever since. The picture above was taken in the summer of 99. It took four years, and then another six before I was willing and ready to get married. We have been through a lot of ups and downs in our relationship over the years. A lot of hard times going on around us while we leaned on each other for support. Some super happy times and some heart wrenching times. Now we come to this, a home of our own over flowing with children and a relationship that has managed to stay solid over the years despite the odds.

*

I might write more about our relationship over the next few weeks because I'm in the mood to reminisce, if you want to skip it don't bother checking in over here until after our anniversary in June. It won't hurt my feelings I promise.

...and now we are here...

One year ago we became home owners. It was a proud day, a day we worked harder towards then I could even describe. We had a lot of step backs, a lot of unexpected life changes but we made it. We were finally standing on our front steps. With our boys. A home of our own.

My husband and I both had really rough childhoods, not a very good start in life to say the least. Many people at one point in our lives didn't think we would ever amount to much. We were angry and deeply hurt as teenagers. We could have chosen paths of destruction and we both almost did. So when I look at this picture and think of everything that happened in our lives before this point it brings me to tears. It's more then just owning a piece of property, it's the sweat and tears it took for us to be home owners, to live that dream. Something I could barely imagine as we were struggling through life, just trying to keep our heads above water. We had been working so hard for years prior to this, it felt like we finally had something to show for it all.

*

My husband never had a home. He moved from one place to another though out his childhood. Never the same place to rest his head. For him this was one of the biggest things he could give his kids, a place of their own. A safe place called home. To see his face, and how proud he felt when we walked though that door, that's what meant the most to me. He loved everything about the home, which was good considering he bought it with me sight unseen! Well I showed him pictures I took but that was it.

*

The year it took to find this house was so stressful. I had to do all the house tours by myself, pick the Realtors (I went through 3!), fill out the paperwork, everything on my own with three boys under two and a full time daycare to keep running. My bestest friend Iva saved me beyond words. My mom and other friends lent a helping hand, my husband did what he could but he had to work full time. To say I had a few emotional freak outs is still putting it lightly. I had just had a baby when we started, Atty was a little baby too being only four months older then Spike, and I was dealing with a teenager going through issues of his own. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed, and almost about ready to crack by the time I stood on the front steps of my home. It was like a breath of fresh air.

*

We had no family to loan us money, no strings to pull, and honestly not a lot of money saved. But we had a great net work of friends and family to lean on for emotional and physical support, and we managed to time it just right and jump into the market at just the right time. It was scary. One of the biggest leaps of faith I have ever made. I essentially lost my job and bought a home at the same time. On the faith that I would be able to start up my business at the new location. It seemed like one of the most irresponsible, yet responsible decisions we had ever made as parents. We had three little mouths to feed, a huge responsibility to keep a roof over their heads. I had nightmares of loosing the new home and living under a bridge for months after we moved in, I was so afraid we wouldn't be able to make the mortgage payment on one income, let alone all the bills. One of the biggest things this last year has taught me... trust in God.

Our first year as home owners we encountered many unexpected things. Here is a list of some of the things that happened;

*The heater in our bathroom broke in the first week, still not fixed.

*We managed to blow up our hot tub, still not fixed.

*The top of our pond split and the crack got worse and worse. The water started spilling out in all the wrong places. The algae took over and the water got all murky and the fish were about to pack up and leave. We just (sort of) got that fixed last weekend.

*Our hot water heater went on the fritz in the dead of winter. It took two weeks for the part we had to order to make it through all the snow. Two weeks with out hot water, at Christmas time, horrid. My amazing husband fixed his first water heater and saved us all. He's awesome.

*Atty cracked the toilet tank and flooded the bathroom and hall. My hubby fixed that too.

*My garbage disposal just up and quit working and every time you would run the dishwasher the sink would flood. You would have to stand there and bucket water into the other side of the sink or it would flood the counter tops. My hubby figured out how to fix it thank goodness!

*The fan on our main heater seems to be going out, the only heat source in the house, thank goodness it's almost summer. We probably won't bother to fix it until we go to turn it back on next winter, and find out it's completely broken, because that's how we roll.

There's been many other little unexpected things that have happened as new home owners but those are the main ones. They may seem silly but we rented for so long and all we had to do was call the landlord and leave the fixing up to them, so this was a whole new ball game for us. Just last weekend when Ryder was trying to figure out how to get the pond pump to turn on again, J said "just call the landlord". Which I admit still fleets across my mind when something breaks down, until I remember, Oh Yeah I get the pleasure of fixing this myself (or at least my husband does).

This is what the front flower bed looks like this year. It was pretty empty, but I had a ton of plants that I was bringing with me. I couldn't even bring them all, because if you noticed, there is gravel everywhere. It's so yucky. This side bed was the only one with dirt in it. I made it slightly bigger then it originally was, and it was so hard to move all the gravel and weed barrier and add soil in just for a few extra feet of flower bed. When we first moved in I had all these plans to replace all the gravel up front with soil and turn them into beautiful flower beds, but after doing that little add on I was exhausted. I decided the gravel keeps the weeds aways so maybe it's not so bad after all. :) Maybe a couple years from now I will be brave enough to tackle it.

This is the front of our house one year later. I have added more plants into the gravel, and plan on added even more this year. I've got to figure out how to make it look better with out taking all the gravel up. The soil underneath the gravel, nasty. I love the house, but the yard is not a plant lovers dream. I did manage to get my husband to make me some little garden boxes on the side of the house, which is also covered in gravel. The previous owners had a love affair with gravel I fear. Not the pretty kind of rock either, just regular ol' gravel. So now I get a little garden, which is nice. Gardening is a hobby of mine, and even the little bit that I get to do is good for my soul. If I got my way I'd be in the yard all day, or at the local nursery. The inside of my house on the weekends in the summer time...not so nice.

*

So anyways this long drawn out post was just a way to reminisce this past year and the years prior that brought us to this date, our one year anniversary as home owners.

What a ride...

OMGoodness, I was gone from Wednesday evening until Saturday morning! Away from my darling hubby and boys for way to long, I was starting to fall apart! I have never been away from them for that long before. The reason for the separation...my bestest friend in the whole world was working on having her baby, forever! It was overwhelming, and emotional and really practically indescribable.

Her water broke Wednesday morning, and her contractions got going pretty good that night, but when her midwife checked her she was still only two centimeters dilated. She was having a home birth so we were all hanging out at her place. The contractions continued on and off again all night and she tried all sorts of horribly uncomfortable things to get those contractions going. The next day was the same thing, on again off again contractions. Thursday night she was getting pretty burnt out, and the midwifes were worried about the fact that the contractions weren't staying consistent and she wasn't dilating and her water had been broken for a while by then, so we all talked about it and my friend and her husband decided that if the baby wasn't born by the morning time, we would go to the hospital. She tried everything, she was such a trooper, but Friday morning she still hadn't dilated any further and her contractions had stopped so they packed for the hospital. I stayed behind with their daughter until later and got to the hospital around 10 am. They started pitosen and we all started helping her deal with the contractions and encouraging her again, hoping that this would be it. She took no pain medication so that she could be as mobile as possible and try different positions and do lunges and squats to help move the baby down. Then the baby's heart rate started to fluctuate a bit. So they backed off of the pitosen and it went back to normal. They tried two more times to get contractions going with pitosen, then at around 3:30 am the doctors came in and said that there had been three serious heart fluctuations and that they could not longer continue to allow her to labor and that she would need to have a C-section. They gave her 20 minutes to prepare! It was so sad and stressful. She had tried so hard and she was so frightened to go into surgery. We cried and prayed together and then watch her be wheeled out of the room and then waited. And waited. And waited. The room was so eerily quiet after she left it was nerve wracking. Finally she was wheeled back into the room around 6:30 in the morning, with a beautiful baby girl and a husband who could barely breath, because of everything that he had witnessed in those two long hours. She had complications during the C-section because of a fibroid in her uterus the size of her baby's head! That might have been why she wasn't dilating because the baby couldn't get around the fibroid, and the fibroid was pushing her cervix to the side. She lost so much blood when they were trying to sew her back up, because of the fibroid, that she had to get a blood transfusion. It was terrifying. It was also hard to see her in so much pain and so sad, because I had to have a C-section with my first baby and I know how hard it is, and how much you hurt afterward. It's also really hard to accept that you weren't able to have the birth that you wanted. I am so thankful though that her and the baby are okay now, and she will heal, and she now has that baby that she worked so hard for. I am so proud of her, and amazed by her strength!

All of this happening while I am pregnant though...a little terrifying to say the least...trying not to get myself to freaked out about it. After that experience I feel like I could sleep a week and still not feel rested, so drained!

face as red as his hair

So I have come to the point in time with my boys were it is sometimes necessary to correct their behavior in public. Especially with Atty who seems to think that public embarrassment by way of tantrum is awesome. I being the mean mom I am do not give in to public displays of nastiness, and instead react the same way I would at home and follow through with what ever discipline is necessary. I'm fully aware that if I give in and allow them to act up in public, they will capitalize on this, and being as I am out numbered, the idea strikes terror to my core. That being said, there is something so awkward about correcting your child's behavior in public. The stares, and whispers. The murmured comments, I've even seen people pointing. We were at a home improvement store last weekend and right when we walked in and started putting the little boys in carts, Atty freaked out and decided he wasn't riding in a cart. Being as he is heavy carrying him wasn't an option for me. Letting him walk is a disaster with him at this point. So I needed him to sit in the cart. I tried to reason with him a couple times and then told him if he didn't sit in the cart he would get a time out. He didn't care, so I gave him a time out right then and there, and sent my hubby and the other boys to start there shopping. Now I know it's not pleasant to listen to a child throw a tantrum, and I myself defiantly wasn't enjoying it, as evident by the darkening red shade of my face, but I seriously don't need to be stared at during it all. It's so irritating. I looked up and the closest clerk was just full on staring at us, disapproving look and all, didn't even bother to look away when I glanced over at her. Atty continued to throw his fit for a moment then stopped and I asked him if he was ready to get in the cart, were as he said yes. The whole time this lady and anyone who happens to pass by is getting an eye full. So I attempt to put him back in the cart, and sure enough he starts pitching a fit again. So I tell him he will take a time out in the van if he doesn't stop (mostly because I want to run away and hide at this point) and he could care less. So then I have to carry him kicking and screaming, red faced to match his hair through the store, because the exit is located conveniently on the other side of the store. With everyone staring at me, and making comments. I truly know why people just give in, because it's absolutely humiliating to deal with the aftermath when requesting appropriate behavior. We made it out to the van, away from prying eyes, I buckled him into his car seat, shut the door and stood outside for a few minutes. He got the point, I got him into a cart out in the parking lot away from the audience, gave him a snack, went back in and all was good. He ended up falling asleep in the cart, which was probably half of the reason why he threw a fit in the first place being as he was tired. Although he has always caused problems when in a cart, he just hates being strapped in because he is such an active explorer.

The point of this post, if there is a point, is why do people feel the need to stare and criticize when a parent is only trying to get there child to behave. Obviously if a person is beating their child, or screaming degrading remarks at their child they should be stared at and hopefully someone would intervene for the sake of the child. I've overheard situations were I felt the parent wasn't dealing with things appropriately. I still don't make comments though, nor do I stare, in fact when I notice a parent reprimanding a child I look the other way. I give them as much privacy as being in a public place can afford. Nobody likes a wild undisciplined child running free in a store, so why stare and make the parent uncomfortable when they end up being in the position of having to enforce rules in public. Give the parent a break for trying to do there part. For trying to raise a well behaved child. Stop staring, and making mumbled comments, even if you think you can do it better.

Have any of you been in this situation, and what do you do to deal with it? Does it get to you, or do you let it roll off your back, and let it go unnoticed?

Prayers

Ryder's mom is sick. Apparently very, very sick. She went to the ER last Sunday, and is still at the hospital doing test. Today they are checking for cancer. They did a cat scan yesterday and saw a lot of lumps or cyst and so they are now checking to see if those are cancerous. She has been sick for a while, it's a long story, but we didn't expect it to take this turn for the worse.

It's no secret that her and I don't get along. That being said I have still been in near tears all day long, for my husband, for J, for their sister, because three siblings could be left with out the only parent they have. My husband is falling apart. It kills me to hear his sad broken voice. I could tell he was falling apart this morning when I was trying to ask him if he had any new information and he was getting really agitated trying to talk about it. I hugged him and let it go. He then called me a few hours later, broken and in tears, choking on his words. It is so hard for all of them because their mom has done the most horrible things to them, she is selfish, rude, and at times flat out mean. It's always been about her their whole lives. And part of them resents that. But she is their mom, the only parent any of them have, and they love her regardless. Regardless of everything.

There is a lot more to this story that I don't feel like going into right now in light of us not know at this point how truly ill she is. It has to do with J though and some information I got from his sister about what has been going on since he started living with his mom again. I've been lied to. I am angry. Angry and sad, a bit of a mess. And feeling guilty for being angry at someone so sick. Frustrating.

Prayers for her and her children who are having a hard time right now (and maybe even some prayers for me that I will not feel so angry at a time like this).

Crazy Hormone Driven Dreams

I am being plagued by crazy vivid dreams. Some scary, some just flat out strange. Some that stick with me the whole next day. Like today. With every pregnancy I have had it's been the same way. Last night I had a really harsh dream.

I dreamt that the boys and I were on a hike and there were these really high stairs we had to climb to get to a bridge that would take us over a river. I was scared to bring the boys up the stairs but for some reason we had to. They were old wooden stairs, the kind that aren't filled in, there are gaps between the steps. So as we climbed I was getting more and more nervous and trying to keep a hand near all the boys at the same time so I could catch them if they stumbled or something. Then I notice that near the top the guard rail on the side was broken and Atty was headed straight for it so I lunged to grab a hold of him before he got there. Then I looked behind me and Spike was slipping through the cracks in the stairs! He was staring at me, scared and trying to hold on and I reached for him too, but couldn't grab hold. He fell all the way down to the ground below and it was super high up, I looked down at him and started screaming. Then I ran all the way down and he was laying on his back with his eyes open, he was breathing but not making a sound, and I started hyperventilating and screaming and crying and praying to God that he would be okay and that his back wasn't broken. I looked up to the sky as I was praying and then realized that I had left his brothers at the top of the stairs alone. I woke up sweating and with my heart pounding in my chest at 3 am and I couldn't fall all the way back to sleep again because every time I tried I would see Spike staring at me with that blank look on his face, and my heart would start racing again! It was such a vivid and terrifying dream.

I snuggled Spike really close this morning and felt thankful that it was only a dream. I think I had that anxious dream involving the boys because I am worried about how I am going to handle adding one more child and going anywhere. Three boys is hard enough. Atty alone is like ten kids in one, we joke but it's true. Any person who has been around him for any amount of time flat out agrees. I was thinking the other day, oh it shouldn't be too hard being out and about, two kids to a parent. Who am I kidding, it will be one kid (Atty) to one parent, three to the other. When hubby is not there, which happens a lot when he is hard at work, it will make it four for me (make that fourteen when you do the math for Atty), which flat out scares me. I will need to take them with me when going anywhere, I certainly can't afford a babysitter for four kids on a regular basis. There are going to be times when we need to get out of the house just for a change of pace. I already do all this now alone with the boys, but for some reason the idea of adding one more kid to this is flat out frightening me. At first I thought it was weird that in my dream Spike was the one that fell, because Atty is the one I am usually worrying about, he is so impulsive. I think it was that way in my dream though because I am worried in real life that while I am distracted by Atty, one of the other children will get hurt. Thankfully Bubu and Spike are fairly cautious children (although Spike does try to copy Atty at times), I can only hope that the new one will have that same cautious personality, because two impulsive children might drive me to the brink of insanity. Anyways I shouldn't read so much into the crazy hormone driven dreams of my pregnant self. So far nothing so horrendous has happened to my child, and I pray to God nothing like that ever will. Dream lesson learned, do not ever go up scary steps alone with the boys.

straight to the core

Last night I cradled my little sister, my only sister, in my arms while she cried, heart wrenching body shaking sobbing. All I could do was rock her and stroke her hair and comfort her. It broke my heart to see her this way, to not be able to do anything about it, not even know what to say to truly comfort her. She doesn't cry much in front of anyone, she's like me that way. Pretending like everything is fine when it's all falling apart. She had been trying so hard, hiding behind sad eyes, empty laughs, small chat. But it all became to much, and she crumbled. To see her so overwhelmed with raw emotion, so heart broken, so betrayed, it sent rage straight into the core of me. I hurt for her. Betrayed by her boyfriend of almost five years. A man that I never would have thought would treat her like this. Cheat on her, betray her trust. Lie. Lie. Lie. I can't believe that he went undetected by my slim-ball radar. I have excellent slim-ball radar, or so I thought.

I don't know how this ties into my life with boys, except that I am thankful that I have never in my life experienced such pain. I've been though a lot of other unthinkable things, I can relate to the deep throbbing pain of betrayal of trust, but never from my love. Never this, and so in the midst of this situation, while comforting my poor broken down sister and building her back up into the powerful women I am proud of, I am thinking of my man. How lucky I am to have him. How he has always made me feel wanted, beautiful, loved. I have never felt a need to be jealous, even when an obviously drop dead gorgeous women walks into the room, because he has always had eyes for me. Even at the times in my life when I have felt horrible about myself, when I know I was not something to be lusted after, he was there to reassure me in his quiet strong way that I was still beautiful in his eyes. I never truly felt beautiful until I met him. Never felt so wanted in all my life. So at this weird time, the most inappropriate of moments while my sister's world has been turned upside down, I can't help but feel really grateful for my hubby, knowing what it could be like. Seeing my poor sister's suffering. Feeling guilty for even thinking about what I have, while what she has right now is a painful mess. Feeling really grateful I am not in her situation, while at the same time wanting to take her place so she doesn't have to feel all this pain. I seem to always be in a state of conflicting emotions.

She is staying with me right now, and I will do all that I can to help her paste her life back together again. I will be her big sister, the one she can always run to. The one with arms to rock her when needed.

~brain swirling indecisiveness~

So I drank coffee in the afternoon yesterday, which I totally know I shouldn't do, but I have a crazy amount of filing and clutter removing that I must address and I was running on empty. I drank one cup and was up late into the night my brain going a mile a minute. I didn't manage to finish the filing and such, but I did manage to add to the lovely black bags under my eyes. Urrrggg...

While I was up with my brain swirling I started obsessing again on this,

should I or should I not have one more kid.

I argue with my own self in my head. One minute I am sure I want one more, and the next minute I am asking myself, "am I insane?" why would I want to start the whole baby thing over again right when things are starting to settle down a bit. Plus the finances are stranded as it is, and one more kid means one less daycare kid, which in turn means less income.

I know all the realistic reasons why we shouldn't have one more, but I still can't say with certain positivity that I want to be done. That three is final. I just can't do it.

I don't know if it's because moving on from the baby stage and watching them grow up makes me feel old, or because I sort of want to try for a girl, but I just can't find peace on the subject.

There is also the whole birth thing I get stuck on. Even if I didn't have any other hang ups, and everything lined up in perfect order, both pregnancy's were hard on me and getting them out was no easy task. I don't know if I want to go through that again quite honestly. I have big babies and when I say big I mean almost 11 pounds kind of big. Bubu ended up as a C-section because he was big and breach. He was my 10 lbs 10.5 ounces baby. For me the C-section was a horrible experience. I am glad the option was there, but it was heart breaking for me. Spike was a natural birth, which was beautiful, but ouch! He was also big, 10 lbs 3 ounces, and it was no easy task getting him out. Lets just say 15 stitches and a lot of blood. It was empowering and I am glad I did it, wouldn't have it any other way. Just not sure I want to do it again.

Then there is the whole trying for a girl thing. Mostly the only reason I don't feel done is because a part of me feels like I want to know what the whole mother/daughter thing is about. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom growing up because of life situations, and I crave having that with my own daughter. I find my self wondering what a little girl of ours would look like. Then I start thinking maybe I wouldn't do well with a daughter and that I should leave things the way they are.

I am so conflicted that I am driving myself and my husband crazy. A little over a month ago I walked up to my husband and announce after much thought that I had finally made up my mind and I was ready to try for one more. I really did think I had made up my mind. My husband agreed and that was that. Then on the drive home from visiting relatives on Christmas day I realized that my period was late, and out of the blue I said to him "If I am pregnant you are in so much trouble." He looked at me in bewilderment and said "women make up your mind!" Poor man he just can't figure me out. I can't figure myself out. One minute I am contemplating birth control, the next I am researching how to try for a girl.

I could go on and on about my reasons for and against, I have a million of them on both sides of the issue, but it all boils down to this eminence pressure I feel to make up my mind. If I am going to have one more I want to do it soon, Spike is already 19 months and I don't want the last one to be spaced why farther out then the rest. Right now the oldest and the youngest are only 20 months apart. Especially if it ends up being another boy (which I have a feeling it would be) I wouldn't want him to feel left out from the tight knit group that came before him.

I am also an obsessive planner, and I had planned on being done with the having babies thing by the time I was 30, which I am now, so I either need to be done or be pregnant before my 31st birthday in order to stick to the plan. Hubby and I want to be able to move on to the next phase in our lives, the after kids phase, when we are in our early 50's.

Lately though I can't make up my mind about any thing. My indecisiveness is driving me crazy. There is no way to be a good planner when you can't even make up your mind. Not just about the big things, but about everything!

So today I am tired, and brain numb, and still indecisive.


*Yuck, I just reread my post and I am more annoyed with myself then ever!*

Baby steps into the New Year

2009 here we come!

So things are off to a great start I must say.

After two horribly long weeks of no hot water my hubby managed to save the day and get the year kicked off in the right direction. It's a lot easier to be positive when squeaky clean! We almost got into to it over whether or not to call a professional. Sometimes that's all I have to do, utter the unthinkable and it gives him the inspiration, the initiative needed to get the job done. He acts as if my want to call a professional some how makes me a traitor. Apparently he feels as if he must be able to fix everything and know all guy trivia, or it makes him less of a man. I just don't get it. He was seriously wounded that I would even suggest calling a professional technician, how could I even think such a thing? I am thankful that he is such a Jack of all trades, but some times I just wish we could get some one in to fix the problem in a timely manner. Instead of waiting while hubby muddles through it until he figures it out, or as sometimes happens, makes a huge mess of it before admitting it really is out of his hands. All and all it's done and over with and now hot water is once again flowing out of my taps!

So number one, hot water for the New Year. Number two my littlest used the potty all day yesterday. What a great way to start out the New Year. Only a parent can understand the true elation you feel when your child starts using the toilet on a regular basis. I see a glimmer of hope! Ahhhhh...

I don't really do New Years resolutions but I did set some goals and this is my catch phrase for the year ahead, I came up with it while taking a delicious hot bath yesterday. "I will rededicate myself to this mission that God assigned me when he blessed me with these children." I don't know if it makes any sense to anyone else, but it makes sense in my own head. So to start that out I am going to reread some great parenting and child development books and become inspired again. Get out of this slump, pull myself up to where I can get some fresh air and a new perspective. Of course right when I got out of the bath and started taking down Christmas decorations, the boys were getting into everything and I got my first test of the New Year. I flunked. Oh well. Baby steps, I did catch myself, and change my approach in the end. So on second thought I am going to give myself an A for effort. If any one else is interested I am going to put a list of my favorite parenting related book on here, the ones that I am going to reread. If you have a favorite let me know what one it is, I would love to read some new ones too.

Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen

Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World by H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelsen

Parents Please Don't Sit On Your Kids by Clare Cherry (isn't that such a funny title)

Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure

Raising Kids with Character by Elizabeth Berger

The title of this book always annoyed me, It's Not That Complicated by Doug Peine, but it is actually a good read.

Anyways I have lots more favorites, but I'll stop there. It's not as easy to read now days with all the constant distractions.

Actually there is one more book that's worth mentioning, for moms with boys, called Raising Boys. It's a really fantastic read, but I can remember the authors name.

Okay so now I really will stop. I love reading can you tell? I just need to put into practice this year what I read.

So goals set, catch phrase repeated in head when needed, I am set. Using baby steps, New Year here I come!

Snuggle time

Snuggle time is my favorite. I love snuggling my boys to sleep. I don't care what others may think, and I have heard it all...I just don't care. Soon they will learn how to go to sleep on there own, but until then I will snuggle them off into dream land just like I always have. In the larger picture this period in time does not last long, not nearly long enough. Soon enough they will be two and learning how to go to sleep on their own. Bubu now has no problem going up to bed, he's had lots of snuggles and bedtime has always been a positive thing. Plus mommy still gives him snuggles sometimes after the babies drift off, if he is still tossing and turning. Other times I don't, I just leave the door open and let him drift off on his own, because I am aware that this is an important thing for children to learn how to do. He just needs a reminder some times that mommy enjoys special snuggle time with him too, even bigger boys need snuggles.

I was thinking last night that bedtime is my favorite time of day (mostly cause I am really tired!). Not just for the quiet, or the peacefulness but because no matter how hectic, or stressful the day was, no matter how wretched the boys may have been, it all melts away as we snuggle together. It's at these moments that my love for them just washes over me, it's such a great reminder and a positive way to end the day. Which can be so needed on the more trying days, like all of the days lately with everything that has been going on and the fact that the boys are experiencing the stir crazy winter time blues.

Bubu always gives me a kiss after stories and before climbing up to bed, then the moment the light turns off and we are all snuggled in he reminds me about prayers. We pray together in the dark and he adds his little bits in here and there, it's so adorable. Then he blows me two more kisses that I have to catch and I do the same for him. He will not settle down until we complete this every night.

I snuggle between the babies on the bottom bunk, Spike wraps his soft little arm around my neck and Atty usually wants me to hold his pudgy little foot (?) or wrap my arm around his tummy and then we all settle down together. Even if a moment earlier the babies were screaming, it all just dissipates, resolves it's self in snugly love. I know these moments will fade way to fast, so for now I treasure them.

Snowthankful!

Note to self...do not ever post during an emotional melt down again!
*
um yeah, sorry about that. My husbands stress dumped on top of mine, the babies non-stop screaming that morning, piled on to everything else that was going on and it spelled disaster at the keyboard. I will definitely attempt to stay away from the keyboard in those situation from now on.
*
I do really appreciate your heartfelt comments though, they brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. I realize that I am not the only one out there that is having or has had hard times. I want to start refocusing on others instead of getting myself all caught up in my own problems. I need to remember to pray and put my faith in God. I know He knows what is best for our family, even if it doesn't make any sense to me at the time. I am a control freak so it is hard for me to let go and let God.
*
On a lighter note after my emotion and very public melt down, I pulled myself together and decided it was time for some snow fun! So we went outside and built a snow man. Bubu was so excited because last time we tried it didn't work so well, but this time it was perfect snowman building snow.

We got the eyes, nose and mouth done, but by this time Spike wasn't having it any more, and was having a complete melt down. In fairness to him the snow was up to his knees and he was already so bundled that he could barely walk, things weren't working out so well for him.

He wasn't so keen on the whole playing in the snow thing. So we called it a day. Bubu was really worried that his snowman would get to cold because it didn't have a hat or scarf, so I told him not to worry and that we would finish it the next day. He talked about his cold snowman all night.

So this morning we woke up to more snow! Good grief, I haven't seen this much snow around here in a long time. Bubu found a hat for his snowman, I found a scarf, and we headed back outside.

Now he is all warm (but he doesn't have any hands, poor snowman). He got a little lop sided over night and he had more snow piled on top of him, so we fixed him up a bit and he was all better. Bubu just loves him. We would make more, but the babies can't stay out for long. Spike didn't like the snow any more today then he did yesterday. Atty was having fun until he did about four repetitive face plants in the snow, then it was all over, time to go inside.

Bubu didn't want to come in so I let him play on the back deck for a while. He was covered in snow, but he was having a blast. It was really cute. I have a lot to be thankful for, hard times or not.

the second mom

My closes friend Iva. She plays a big role in my life with boys. She is my sanity finder, my best source of support (some things the hubby just doesn't understand), my listening ear, my sister by choice. She has been there for me the last eight years or so and has helped me through some rough times. It seems like we have always known each other. I don't know that I would have made it through some of the obstacles that have faced me over the years if it weren't for her support. She is the unofficially god mother for all my boys. I know she would keep a watchful eye on them if need be. They absolutely love her.
*
We met when I was working as a postal supervisor in a contract station. I knew right when I spoke to her for the first time that we would be friends. Neither of use had kids, we were young and having fun for the most part. We bonded over boy troubles, our boyfriends at the time, soon to turn husbands for both of us. I still remember her shinning happy face when she showed me her ring the night her man proposed to her, and she was one of the first people I called when hubby and I finally got engaged. She was there at my small outdoor wedding that was all of nine people, including the lady that married us.
*
She started it all a few years after we met when she had her baby girl. Got me thinking. That baby girl was the most beautiful child, I was in love. I was lucky enough to watch Bella in my childcare starting at a few months old, I watched her as she grew, shared in the excitement of her firsts. Just a short while after her daughter was born I got pregnant. Iva was the first to know (besides my husband). I called her, blubbering into the phone, and she came right over. She was there for me the whole time. When I found out at 36 weeks that I was not going to have the natural childbirth that I had planned, but instead was going in for a C-section, she was there at the hospital. She feed me ice chips in the recovery room. She came over to help in the childcare while I was healing. She lent me emotional support during the transition into motherhood.

She was there on the day that my heart child came to me. This is the only picture I have of that day, and it is fitting that she is in it. That day was a whirlwind of emotion, a blur, and she stayed until way into the night to help sort things out. I was five months pregnant and super emotional anyways, and she was my shoulder to cry on, my pillar of support. I can tell her anything, and there is no judgement. She understands me.

*

Our first born children are so close, they are the best of friends. Bella and Bubu. We've done numerous family outings together, and since Bella went to my childcare before we moved, she grew up with Bubu. They saw each other practically every day for a while there. Bella was convinced for the longest time that Bubu was her brother and would tell people that as a matter of fact. They love each other like siblings, they fight like siblings. She is the big sister to my boys.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second child Iva was sitting out in the living room talking to my husband, while I was in the bathroom staring in disbelief at the positive pregnancy test. She found out at the same time as my husband. When Spike was born I had that natural childbirth that I had wanted with Bubu. It was awesome, while at the same time the hardest thing I have ever done. She was there the whole time, right by my side while my hubby slept in the other room with Bubu. In credit to hubby, he was kicked out of the room by me, because he was falling asleep next to me while I was withering in pain, and it really pissed me off. So I told him to go get me Iva, and he did, cause he's a smart man and knows what a laboring women wants, a laboring women gets. Poor Iva saw way more then I am sure she ever wanted to see of me, but she stayed by me, taking turns with my mom, the whole night through. She was there with my husband and my mom when I pushed my littlest out into the world, she cried with me, she held her breath with me while he struggled to breath, and she cried with me again when he started breathing. That kid was 10 lbs 3 ounces by the way, it was no easy feat getting him out!

*

She came over all the time after Spike was born to help out. I had three babies under two and was running the Childcare two weeks after he was born, and life was hectic. More then one women could manage, so she didn't leave me to struggle alone. She did all she could. Never asking for anything in return.

*

When we moved last May, I almost had a nervous stress induced melt down, and if it hadn't been for her, I might have fallen completely apart. My health was deteriorating (still trying to recover!) from stress and lack of sleep, I was averaging about 3-4 broken up hours of sleep a night. I was literally looking for, and buying the house on my own, because my husband works so much. At the same time I was running the daycare up until the Friday before the weekend that we moved, and taking care of three little boys. She came over consistently to help, rearranged her whole schedule, lost work and made less money, just to help me out. Drove over an hour to our new house over and over again to take my plants, and even planted my fruit trees for me. Helped us move in. I know it drove her husband crazy all the time she was spending helping me out, saving my sanity, but she still did it. I don't think at this point in our friendship I could ever manage to equally repay her. I try, but I fall short.

Now our first born are older and still the best of friends, this is their fourth Christmas picture together.

Iva is finally having her second child. I get to be there. I couldn't be there for Bella because the whole thing lasted for days, poor girl. We are hoping for a different result this time around and I hope that I can provide the same amount of support for her that she provided for me. She is having another girl, and Bubu is already talking about the new baby girl. I am so happy for her.

*

She was over a couple weekends ago and we were so excited to see them. We don't get to spend as much time together being as we live farther away now. It's like movie stars are visiting when we know that Iva and Bella are coming. Bubu will run around the house screaming in excitement when he knows they are coming.

I feel truly blessed to have meet such a wonderful and supportive person. To call her my friend, my sister. I know they are moving to another state some time after her baby is born, and it breaks my heart to even think about it. I know there is truly no one out there that can compare, she is a shining star.

*

We've shared a lot of laughter and a lot of tears. We have watch each other evolve into motherhood. She may never see this post, but I wanted to reminisce over the years of friendship, and talk about the women that is truly my children's second mom. The women who does all of this for me just because she cares.

Passing on the positive.

I have this beautiful quote, with a picture of a sunrise in the background, posted on my fridge. It's titled, Don't Quit, and I stop to read it at least a few times a week. I am going to share it with you. I know we have all had hard times, and it's such a good reminder to stay positive.

Don't Quit

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As everyone of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
It's when things seem worse,
That you must not quit.

I think it is so important to keep this attitude and share it with our kids. Teaching them resilience could possibly be the most important thing you ever have to teach.

There is something I tell Bubu when he gets frustrated. When he is trying to do something new or hard and he can't figure it out. When he is whining and wants me to do it for him, I tell him, "try your hardest first, keep trying, and when you feel you have tried your hardest, then let me know and I will be happy to help you." So the other day he couldn't get the door open and I said this to him again, and he kept trying until he got it. Then he turned to me and said, "I tried my hardest and I did it!" He was so proud of himself, and I told him I was proud of him also. It's those little things that help teach resilience to our children.

Then yesterday I was talking out loud while trying to get the lid off a pickle jar, and I was complaining that his dad always tightens the lids so tight and I couldn't get it off. I was about to give up on the pickle idea. Bubu hears this and says to me "try your hardest mom." So noticing a learning moment, and feeling an immense need to set an example of trying your hardest, I stopped my complaining and put some muscles into it. Sure enough I got that lid off, although I think I broke a sweat, all for a pickle! What does my sweet little son tell me next? "I'm so proud of you mom." The point was not getting the lid off, but of trying your hardest before quiting, because you just never know, you might succeed!

Remembering to teach that failure is a learning opportunity, and to keep on going in these moments too, to not let yourself be set back by failure is also so vital. This is when it is the hardest and most important time to keep on going!

Let's keep passing on the positive!