Thursday, January 8, 2009

straight to the core

Last night I cradled my little sister, my only sister, in my arms while she cried, heart wrenching body shaking sobbing. All I could do was rock her and stroke her hair and comfort her. It broke my heart to see her this way, to not be able to do anything about it, not even know what to say to truly comfort her. She doesn't cry much in front of anyone, she's like me that way. Pretending like everything is fine when it's all falling apart. She had been trying so hard, hiding behind sad eyes, empty laughs, small chat. But it all became to much, and she crumbled. To see her so overwhelmed with raw emotion, so heart broken, so betrayed, it sent rage straight into the core of me. I hurt for her. Betrayed by her boyfriend of almost five years. A man that I never would have thought would treat her like this. Cheat on her, betray her trust. Lie. Lie. Lie. I can't believe that he went undetected by my slim-ball radar. I have excellent slim-ball radar, or so I thought.

I don't know how this ties into my life with boys, except that I am thankful that I have never in my life experienced such pain. I've been though a lot of other unthinkable things, I can relate to the deep throbbing pain of betrayal of trust, but never from my love. Never this, and so in the midst of this situation, while comforting my poor broken down sister and building her back up into the powerful women I am proud of, I am thinking of my man. How lucky I am to have him. How he has always made me feel wanted, beautiful, loved. I have never felt a need to be jealous, even when an obviously drop dead gorgeous women walks into the room, because he has always had eyes for me. Even at the times in my life when I have felt horrible about myself, when I know I was not something to be lusted after, he was there to reassure me in his quiet strong way that I was still beautiful in his eyes. I never truly felt beautiful until I met him. Never felt so wanted in all my life. So at this weird time, the most inappropriate of moments while my sister's world has been turned upside down, I can't help but feel really grateful for my hubby, knowing what it could be like. Seeing my poor sister's suffering. Feeling guilty for even thinking about what I have, while what she has right now is a painful mess. Feeling really grateful I am not in her situation, while at the same time wanting to take her place so she doesn't have to feel all this pain. I seem to always be in a state of conflicting emotions.

She is staying with me right now, and I will do all that I can to help her paste her life back together again. I will be her big sister, the one she can always run to. The one with arms to rock her when needed.

2 comments:

smiles4u said...

This is so heart breaking. I am glad that she is there with you. You holding her while she sobs and even crying with her is healing for her soul. I've been in her shoes. I remember all too well the heart ache and shock I felt...it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under my feet. Everything I was sure of was gone. There was nothing anyone could say to me to make me feel better. What helped me the most was people holding me,crying with me and just letting me express my feelings, whether it be sadness or anger. I am so sorry that this has happened to your sister. Thank God she has you. She will get through this in time...right now she needs to be good to herself...not beat herself up with questioning or taking on guilt, as many times, us women do. It's good she has you to keep the truth in front of her.

Things like this tend to make us see things in a new light. We realize how much we have when we watch someone close to us lose something. Our perspectives change and we can't help but be grateful for our blessings.

Bless you...I have already prayed for your sister and you. May both of you get rest tonight.

Mama said...

Poor Sissa, what a horrible thing to have to go through. She is lucky to have you.
I never liked that guy, always thought he was a total looser. She is so much better off with out him.