Friday, February 19, 2010

My sanity is fleeing...

Because-
  • we are starting a third medicine. Three medicines at the same time. Three.
  • he is still having seizures.
  • his face is painful to look at and I'm sure painful for him to live through.
  • thinking about how much his body must ache by now is making me sick to my stomach.
  • I've had to give him an emergency med every day for the last four days on top of the medicine he is already taking, just so he can eat and have a bit of a break from the constant muscle contracts, not much of one, but a little bit.
  • It is taking forever to get him a helmet.
  • trying to keep the daycare going is the last thing I want to do and that makes me sad.
  • the financial stresses that already existed are just getting worse.
  • I barely have time in the day to enjoy my baby girl. My last little baby.
  • the constant phone calls and appointments are getting overwhelming.
  • my husband and I are going through a rough spot that might end in separation.
  • on top of the demands of a nursing baby, I now have a three year old who can't really do much of anything for himself and two boys who have suddenly forgot how to do anything on their own either. Atty can hardly walk, talk, or feed himself right now. He's drinking out of sippys again and wearing pull ups. Needs constant intense supervision. Extra love and attention, consoling after seizures and when he gets hurt (over and over again). The other two boys see this and start trying to copy Atty all the way down to pretending that they are having seizures. I am in no way ignoring them, in fact I have been trying to make sure I am giving them extra snuggles time, but they are still acting out horribly. And it's hard to be patient with it.
  • I am absolutely sleep deprived.
  • I have a constant headache or stomachache or both.
  • I have to get our tax papers together and I can't even find a spare moment to do something as awful as that.
  • The breaks on our van are going out, right when it looks like we will have to make many trips over an hour away to the hospital. Every time I drive it they squeak. Not good.
  • my house is falling apart.
  • my house can't fall apart because I am still trying to run a business. So even though every one keeps telling me to let the little things go right now for my sanity...I CAN'T. And even though I can't it's sort of happening anyways.
  • I have a mountain of dirty laundry in the laundry room that no one could climb and another mountain of clean laundry taking over the couch.
  • my Grandma just died and I have to go to her funeral on Sunday. I can't even process that.
  • Atty's medical won't cover the new medicine they wanted to put him on, we have to try a different one first and then if that one doesn't work we can appeal.
  • ...and I'm starting to swear a lot, it's not pretty. When I've reached the end of my rope, yucky words start flying out of my mouth. It's a weakness I can't seem to get rid of.
  • I've lost all control and that freaks me out beyond all reason.
  • my eyes are getting bad and I'm afraid to go to the doctor and be told that I'm having a flair up again but I know I can't put it off or I'm risking going blind, but I have no idea how I will even get into the doctor anyways with every thing that is going on right now. Wow that was a long pathetic run on sentence. That's kind of how my brain is operating right now. One big long run on sentence.
  • my Rock in this raging river succumbed to stress and is no longer there for me. I can't go to him for comfort. I feel alone even though I have many wonderful friends. Depression is coming on in waves. My husband and I have been through many rough times, but I have to say he picked the wrong time to act out. Wrong time to be selfish.
  • my mom and I had an argument when I was in the hospital with Atty that has yet to be resolved. It goes deeper then it sounds.
  • I want a moment for myself. Without feeling guilty for wanting a moment to myself.
  • I feel like I'm being hit from every angle and my feet are about to slip out from under me.

5 comments:

Brittany said...

OHH honey. I feel so helpless here. I wish there was something I could do. Babysit, cook for you, clean, anything! Even just give you a hug! Just know that we are sending you TONS and TONS of prayers and hugs here in Minnesota. I know my mom hasnt had time to be on lately, but I know she thinks about and prays for you as well. From all of us over here... good luck and lots of love!

Lisa said...

I too feel so helpless. I am so sorry life just plain sucks. I prayed hard for you today, and you were on my mind all day. I prayed for Atty too. And for your husband. God will not put you through anything you cannot handle. Believe it. Hold on to that. Things will get better, somehow, someway, someday soon. Lots of love and prayers...

Life by the Handful said...

My heart is breaking for you! I don't know you very well or really half of what you are going through but I just wanted to offer up this prayer for you.

Lord,
I just ask that you would show yourself in a mighty way. I ask that you would speak peace into her life. I ask for your healing hand to be on Atty and Lord, I ask that you would bring her to my mind and the mind of others when she is in need so that we can lift her up in prayer. In your Son's name, Amen.

Wish I could do more.

Riahli said...

Thank you, it's a wonderful feeling to know that others are praying for us as well.

Gwen said...

I'm praying for you and your family.