~brain swirling indecisiveness~

So I drank coffee in the afternoon yesterday, which I totally know I shouldn't do, but I have a crazy amount of filing and clutter removing that I must address and I was running on empty. I drank one cup and was up late into the night my brain going a mile a minute. I didn't manage to finish the filing and such, but I did manage to add to the lovely black bags under my eyes. Urrrggg...

While I was up with my brain swirling I started obsessing again on this,

should I or should I not have one more kid.

I argue with my own self in my head. One minute I am sure I want one more, and the next minute I am asking myself, "am I insane?" why would I want to start the whole baby thing over again right when things are starting to settle down a bit. Plus the finances are stranded as it is, and one more kid means one less daycare kid, which in turn means less income.

I know all the realistic reasons why we shouldn't have one more, but I still can't say with certain positivity that I want to be done. That three is final. I just can't do it.

I don't know if it's because moving on from the baby stage and watching them grow up makes me feel old, or because I sort of want to try for a girl, but I just can't find peace on the subject.

There is also the whole birth thing I get stuck on. Even if I didn't have any other hang ups, and everything lined up in perfect order, both pregnancy's were hard on me and getting them out was no easy task. I don't know if I want to go through that again quite honestly. I have big babies and when I say big I mean almost 11 pounds kind of big. Bubu ended up as a C-section because he was big and breach. He was my 10 lbs 10.5 ounces baby. For me the C-section was a horrible experience. I am glad the option was there, but it was heart breaking for me. Spike was a natural birth, which was beautiful, but ouch! He was also big, 10 lbs 3 ounces, and it was no easy task getting him out. Lets just say 15 stitches and a lot of blood. It was empowering and I am glad I did it, wouldn't have it any other way. Just not sure I want to do it again.

Then there is the whole trying for a girl thing. Mostly the only reason I don't feel done is because a part of me feels like I want to know what the whole mother/daughter thing is about. I didn't have a close relationship with my mom growing up because of life situations, and I crave having that with my own daughter. I find my self wondering what a little girl of ours would look like. Then I start thinking maybe I wouldn't do well with a daughter and that I should leave things the way they are.

I am so conflicted that I am driving myself and my husband crazy. A little over a month ago I walked up to my husband and announce after much thought that I had finally made up my mind and I was ready to try for one more. I really did think I had made up my mind. My husband agreed and that was that. Then on the drive home from visiting relatives on Christmas day I realized that my period was late, and out of the blue I said to him "If I am pregnant you are in so much trouble." He looked at me in bewilderment and said "women make up your mind!" Poor man he just can't figure me out. I can't figure myself out. One minute I am contemplating birth control, the next I am researching how to try for a girl.

I could go on and on about my reasons for and against, I have a million of them on both sides of the issue, but it all boils down to this eminence pressure I feel to make up my mind. If I am going to have one more I want to do it soon, Spike is already 19 months and I don't want the last one to be spaced why farther out then the rest. Right now the oldest and the youngest are only 20 months apart. Especially if it ends up being another boy (which I have a feeling it would be) I wouldn't want him to feel left out from the tight knit group that came before him.

I am also an obsessive planner, and I had planned on being done with the having babies thing by the time I was 30, which I am now, so I either need to be done or be pregnant before my 31st birthday in order to stick to the plan. Hubby and I want to be able to move on to the next phase in our lives, the after kids phase, when we are in our early 50's.

Lately though I can't make up my mind about any thing. My indecisiveness is driving me crazy. There is no way to be a good planner when you can't even make up your mind. Not just about the big things, but about everything!

So today I am tired, and brain numb, and still indecisive.


*Yuck, I just reread my post and I am more annoyed with myself then ever!*