I am being plagued by crazy vivid dreams. Some scary, some just flat out strange. Some that stick with me the whole next day. Like today. With every pregnancy I have had it's been the same way. Last night I had a really harsh dream.
I dreamt that the boys and I were on a hike and there were these really high stairs we had to climb to get to a bridge that would take us over a river. I was scared to bring the boys up the stairs but for some reason we had to. They were old wooden stairs, the kind that aren't filled in, there are gaps between the steps. So as we climbed I was getting more and more nervous and trying to keep a hand near all the boys at the same time so I could catch them if they stumbled or something. Then I notice that near the top the guard rail on the side was broken and Atty was headed straight for it so I lunged to grab a hold of him before he got there. Then I looked behind me and Spike was slipping through the cracks in the stairs! He was staring at me, scared and trying to hold on and I reached for him too, but couldn't grab hold. He fell all the way down to the ground below and it was super high up, I looked down at him and started screaming. Then I ran all the way down and he was laying on his back with his eyes open, he was breathing but not making a sound, and I started hyperventilating and screaming and crying and praying to God that he would be okay and that his back wasn't broken. I looked up to the sky as I was praying and then realized that I had left his brothers at the top of the stairs alone. I woke up sweating and with my heart pounding in my chest at 3 am and I couldn't fall all the way back to sleep again because every time I tried I would see Spike staring at me with that blank look on his face, and my heart would start racing again! It was such a vivid and terrifying dream.
I snuggled Spike really close this morning and felt thankful that it was only a dream. I think I had that anxious dream involving the boys because I am worried about how I am going to handle adding one more child and going anywhere. Three boys is hard enough. Atty alone is like ten kids in one, we joke but it's true. Any person who has been around him for any amount of time flat out agrees. I was thinking the other day, oh it shouldn't be too hard being out and about, two kids to a parent. Who am I kidding, it will be one kid (Atty) to one parent, three to the other. When hubby is not there, which happens a lot when he is hard at work, it will make it four for me (make that fourteen when you do the math for Atty), which flat out scares me. I will need to take them with me when going anywhere, I certainly can't afford a babysitter for four kids on a regular basis. There are going to be times when we need to get out of the house just for a change of pace. I already do all this now alone with the boys, but for some reason the idea of adding one more kid to this is flat out frightening me. At first I thought it was weird that in my dream Spike was the one that fell, because Atty is the one I am usually worrying about, he is so impulsive. I think it was that way in my dream though because I am worried in real life that while I am distracted by Atty, one of the other children will get hurt. Thankfully Bubu and Spike are fairly cautious children (although Spike does try to copy Atty at times), I can only hope that the new one will have that same cautious personality, because two impulsive children might drive me to the brink of insanity. Anyways I shouldn't read so much into the crazy hormone driven dreams of my pregnant self. So far nothing so horrendous has happened to my child, and I pray to God nothing like that ever will. Dream lesson learned, do not ever go up scary steps alone with the boys.
8 hours ago