Tuesday, December 30, 2008

What kind of mom am I?

Some times I feel like the worse mom in the world.

I had such high hope, grand dreams of the mother I would be as I embarked on this exciting adventure. I felt well equipped. Working in the childcare field for a long time prior to having children, an avid reader of all things related to child development and parenting. Having taken lots of classes in child development and child care. Being the oldest of five children. Had a plan set up, waited until I felt old enough, secure enough, wise enough. Feeling like a smart a@#.

There is no such thing, you can not be wise enough. Uuuggggg, I constantly feel like a bumbling idiot! Ten steps behind. More often then I want to admit I end the day feeling like a failure. I yelled too much, I didn't spend enough quality time with them, didn't truly listen to their needs, was nasty and short tempered, forgot to brush their teeth, let them watch to much TV so I could get chores done, and on and on and on. Mostly it's the yelling, never wanted to be a yeller. I did really well in the beginning with my first. Practically everything by the book, I might have even been able to win awards for my most excellent mothering (joke). Then I got pregnant again and the hormones kicked in, I had a teenage J to deal with, Tank came, then Spike was born, and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in years! Everything I have to do, need to do and want to do is piling up around me. The pressure and stress of it all starts to get me, the boys do something obnoxious for the umteenth time and bam, mom blows her top. I hear myself, and it makes me sick. I want to curl up in my bed and cry because I know better, I should be able to stop myself. I'm afraid that when my kids think of their mom they will think of an angry screaming mom that was always dashing around the house and never had time for them.

That's not to say that we don't spend any time together, because we do. It just doesn't seem like enough. Doesn't seem good enough or out shadow all the shouting. All the frustration. All the demands. I hate the mom I am being right now, would hate to have a mom like me. I want desperately to get back to the mom I was, the mom I was proud to be. The mom that felt like over all she was doing a good job. Instead of going to bed hoping I am not screwing them up to much.


Mama said...

Dont worry about it! It seems like your doing a good job. I would be a mess if I had 3 as close in age as you. I am a mess with the 2 I have! Just being there for them, thats important, they know they are loved, you are not hurting them, they feel safe at home, (you know how important this one is). Look at their happy little faces! Every good mom has bad days.

Megan said...

I found your blog through Marleas and wow! that's exactly how I was feeling today and to see that someone else out there is struggling with the same thing makes me feel not so bad! I try to be the best mom every day but some days there's too much to do and too little time and I feel like the kids get the short end of the deal. It's hard to remind myself that the kids won't remember if the laundry was always done or the house was picked up but they'll remember me reading to them and loving them and that's what matters! But I still hate to have the laundry not done and the house in a mess :)

Kat said...

I think all moms feel like this. I know I do.

Just recently I had such a revelation. I looked at myself and realized I just was NO FUN to be around. If I were my boys I wouldn't be able to stand being around me. No wonder they always wanted to hang out with their daddy.
It really changed me. Honestly. I haven't yelled in a rage like I had before. I still holler from time to time but DEFINITELY not like before. And the boys respond so differently to me now. It has really been a great experience.
But it is still a daily struggle to maintain. It is hard work man. This whole parenthood thing. Nothing can prepare you for it. And just the fact that you care so much about the kind of mother you are says a lot about you. You are a great mom!

Lisa said...

you are not alone my friend, by far!! you have taken the time to write out what so many of us feel...and that's the first step to any kind of change you desire...acknowledgement! From what I have read over the last few months, you are a fantastic mom. You cut their hair yourself, make cookies, play in the snow, give them cocoa each morning, read to them, and best of all, LOVE them! Wrap your arms around yourself and sqeeze tight! Thats a hug from all of us out here that GET IT!!! Happy New Year! :)