Some times I feel like the worse mom in the world.
I had such high hope, grand dreams of the mother I would be as I embarked on this exciting adventure. I felt well equipped. Working in the childcare field for a long time prior to having children, an avid reader of all things related to child development and parenting. Having taken lots of classes in child development and child care. Being the oldest of five children. Had a plan set up, waited until I felt old enough, secure enough, wise enough. Feeling like a smart a@#.
There is no such thing, you can not be wise enough. Uuuggggg, I constantly feel like a bumbling idiot! Ten steps behind. More often then I want to admit I end the day feeling like a failure. I yelled too much, I didn't spend enough quality time with them, didn't truly listen to their needs, was nasty and short tempered, forgot to brush their teeth, let them watch to much TV so I could get chores done, and on and on and on. Mostly it's the yelling, never wanted to be a yeller. I did really well in the beginning with my first. Practically everything by the book, I might have even been able to win awards for my most excellent mothering (joke). Then I got pregnant again and the hormones kicked in, I had a teenage J to deal with, Tank came, then Spike was born, and I haven't had a decent nights sleep in years! Everything I have to do, need to do and want to do is piling up around me. The pressure and stress of it all starts to get me, the boys do something obnoxious for the umteenth time and bam, mom blows her top. I hear myself, and it makes me sick. I want to curl up in my bed and cry because I know better, I should be able to stop myself. I'm afraid that when my kids think of their mom they will think of an angry screaming mom that was always dashing around the house and never had time for them.
That's not to say that we don't spend any time together, because we do. It just doesn't seem like enough. Doesn't seem good enough or out shadow all the shouting. All the frustration. All the demands. I hate the mom I am being right now, would hate to have a mom like me. I want desperately to get back to the mom I was, the mom I was proud to be. The mom that felt like over all she was doing a good job. Instead of going to bed hoping I am not screwing them up to much.
Jane and Hannah
12 hours ago