Not a job for a hammer.

I was scolding Spike the other day for taking apart a piece of Strawberries jumper thingy (renamed by me) and I heard Bubu say "I'll fix it mom" then he turned to his brother and in all seriousness said "go get me a wrench". Ha! So Spike went off to get him a wrench and Bubu climbed under the jumper to investigate the problem. Spike came running back and handed Bubu a plastic hammer and Bubu said "NOT a Hammer, a wrench...I need nails for a hammer". The way he said it, all knowledgeable and sort of exasperated, was super funny. So Spike left again to find a wrench and Bubu sighed and said "Oh I'll help you" and went to show his little brother what a wrench looked like. They came back together, Bubu with appropriate tool in hand, and they were all set to fix baby sister's toy.

Bubu showed his brothers how to use the wrench...in detail...and they soaked in every word. He did get a little frustrated when the wrench didn't actually solve the problem. He needed a mothers help. So together we problem solved how to get the piece back on. Team "R" at it's best. When we were done he said "Yay team "R", great team work mom!" So cute.

He was super proud of himself for helping his baby sister and fixing her toy. I think he might be one of the best big brother's out there. Strawberry thinks so anyways (and so do I).

*

I am beginning to wonder how many things will be taken apart and put back together though in my house. They have already started in on a few things. At least the tools are plastic for now.

Bright Orange Treasures

So today we made an awesome discovery. While we were outside looking at the flower gardens and playing ~ eye spy me some spring time ~ I decided to take a gander at my very neglected garden boxes. Last year I sort of gave up on my garden when I got too big with the pregnancy to bend over properly. Lets just say when I stopped being able to see my toes no matter how hard I tried my garden fell apart. I never harvested the last crop of anything and I just stopped looking at it so I wouldn't feel so guilty. I went to some ones house a little while back and notice that they had harvested some carrots out of their garden in the middle of winter and I started thinking 'hey I never harvested all of my carrots out of my garden' I sort of thought that they must have gone mushy and I had given them up to the worms. But...they're not! They were just chillin there in the dirt all happy looking and bright orange and oh did they smell good. I love the smell of fresh from the garden veggies. Atty must too because he tried to take a bite of one of them dirt and all! Bleck. Call me picky but I'd rather wash them first. ;) We gathered them all up and carried them into the house so that I could make them all some...Carrot Juice! Bubu just couldn't get over his excitement at having found such an unbelievable treasure during the winter. He kept saying "Yummy they smell so good, can I try one mom?"

I just love their earthy goodness, and I have to admit I am bitten bad by the gardening bug now, come on spring I am so ready. So very, very done with the yucky cold grey days.

All shined up and ready to be juiced. It was such a fun unexpected project of sorts to do with the kids. Wasn't a planned part of our day but I was able to make it a learning experience and a fun thing to do together. They though it was so neat to watch the juicer do it's thing.

They were even more excited to try it! I used up all the carrots and they gulped it down.

I mostly made it for this guy because a wise family friend and naturopathic doctor told us a few things we could do to try and keep his liver clean and working well (because of all the meds, some of which are super hard on the liver) and one of those things was a little carrot juice every day. He really liked it, so that's a good thing. They all did. In the summer I should have some apples from the tree and more carrots in the garden and that will make for a super yummy drink. In the mean time I will go get us some organic carrots (and maybe some apples) from the store and make up some more juice for the little trooper and his brothers. Won't taste as good though. ;)

This Momma says~

If you don't have anything nice to say...

Post Pictures.

My sanity is fleeing...

Because-

• we are starting a third medicine. Three medicines at the same time. Three.
• he is still having seizures.
• his face is painful to look at and I'm sure painful for him to live through.
• thinking about how much his body must ache by now is making me sick to my stomach.
• I've had to give him an emergency med every day for the last four days on top of the medicine he is already taking, just so he can eat and have a bit of a break from the constant muscle contracts, not much of one, but a little bit.
• It is taking forever to get him a helmet.
• trying to keep the daycare going is the last thing I want to do and that makes me sad.
• the financial stresses that already existed are just getting worse.
• I barely have time in the day to enjoy my baby girl. My last little baby.
• the constant phone calls and appointments are getting overwhelming.
• my husband and I are going through a rough spot that might end in separation.
• on top of the demands of a nursing baby, I now have a three year old who can't really do much of anything for himself and two boys who have suddenly forgot how to do anything on their own either. Atty can hardly walk, talk, or feed himself right now. He's drinking out of sippys again and wearing pull ups. Needs constant intense supervision. Extra love and attention, consoling after seizures and when he gets hurt (over and over again). The other two boys see this and start trying to copy Atty all the way down to pretending that they are having seizures. I am in no way ignoring them, in fact I have been trying to make sure I am giving them extra snuggles time, but they are still acting out horribly. And it's hard to be patient with it.
• I am absolutely sleep deprived.
• I have a constant headache or stomachache or both.
• I have to get our tax papers together and I can't even find a spare moment to do something as awful as that.
• The breaks on our van are going out, right when it looks like we will have to make many trips over an hour away to the hospital. Every time I drive it they squeak. Not good.
• my house is falling apart.
• my house can't fall apart because I am still trying to run a business. So even though every one keeps telling me to let the little things go right now for my sanity...I CAN'T. And even though I can't it's sort of happening anyways.
• I have a mountain of dirty laundry in the laundry room that no one could climb and another mountain of clean laundry taking over the couch.
• my Grandma just died and I have to go to her funeral on Sunday. I can't even process that.
• Atty's medical won't cover the new medicine they wanted to put him on, we have to try a different one first and then if that one doesn't work we can appeal.
• ...and I'm starting to swear a lot, it's not pretty. When I've reached the end of my rope, yucky words start flying out of my mouth. It's a weakness I can't seem to get rid of.
• I've lost all control and that freaks me out beyond all reason.
• my eyes are getting bad and I'm afraid to go to the doctor and be told that I'm having a flair up again but I know I can't put it off or I'm risking going blind, but I have no idea how I will even get into the doctor anyways with every thing that is going on right now. Wow that was a long pathetic run on sentence. That's kind of how my brain is operating right now. One big long run on sentence.
• my Rock in this raging river succumbed to stress and is no longer there for me. I can't go to him for comfort. I feel alone even though I have many wonderful friends. Depression is coming on in waves. My husband and I have been through many rough times, but I have to say he picked the wrong time to act out. Wrong time to be selfish.
• my mom and I had an argument when I was in the hospital with Atty that has yet to be resolved. It goes deeper then it sounds.
• I want a moment for myself. Without feeling guilty for wanting a moment to myself.
• I feel like I'm being hit from every angle and my feet are about to slip out from under me.

Over and over again!

This is my child right now. I am heart broken. Today alone he has fallen down so many times that he has a fat lip on the top...and the bottom. That huge lump above his eye...he fell and hit the same spot twice. His red cheeks are from falling flat on his face, over and over again. He has bruises and marks all over his body. He continues to have seizure activity. There have been a couple days thrown in where he seems to be improving and then...BAM...some other complication, or the same old thing. He is not having long seizures as of lately, but he is having very sort ones, OVER and OVER again! He will be standing next to me one moment and then flying over backwards the next as if some invisible force yanked him down. Or he will be walking and suddenly fall forward and smack his face into the ground. He seems unable to catch him self, because his body is contracting or flailing as he falls. There is no warning. Some times he can talk fairly well, other times it is an absolute struggle or not at all. He is drooling non-stop and is back in pull ups because he can't control himself. When he starts to cry, it just tears me up inside. He wants to play so bad, but he can't really because he keeps falling all over the place, it's so sad to watch. He doesn't want to sit still though and I can't make him, so he ends up getting hurt over and over again. Somethings got to change, somethings got to give. Today on the phone with his neurologist she started throwing some scary stuff out there that I don't want to acknowledge just yet, stuff about limited options when medicine doesn't work, and how she had to get yet another opinion before talking to me further. She is going to call tomorrow, and I am not going to sleep very well tonight.
Look at him, still trying to smile through it all! Today after he had fallen down and got the shiner for the first time above his eye I sat on the couch with him and started to cry. I was feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I really started to get weepy and I looked over at Atty as I cried. He looked up at me and started to laugh. Laugh! He was laughing at me. I said "Why are you laughing, mommy is sad that you are hurt." He got serious and said in his tiny slurred voice "Momma cry?" I said yes and started to cry again and he laughed at me again! So I couldn't help myself and I started to laugh too because his giggle is so contagious. We sat on the couch and laughed together through our tears. His tears from falling down again, mine from watching my child suffer. Our laughter was at each other. I'm still not quite sure why. But that's what I love so much about him, he sees the funny in situations where no one else would.

*Heart Day*

Today is Atty's heart day, the day he became our heart child. February 9th 2007 he came into our lives. I decided last year that I wanted to make a quilt square every year for him until his 18th birthday, then piece them all together for a great big blanket of Love. As part of our special celebration this year I gave him his quilt square and we looked at pictures and talk about the day he became a part of our family. He was really excited this time and seemed to understand a little more how special this day truly is. He loved his froggy square and was hugging it. He looked through his whole first year scrap book and his special "All about me" scrapbook that was made for him during the adoption process. The whole time he held onto to this-I cut out a frog shape, hand stitched it on and then did a running stitch around the edges with a bright yellow color. Then I added the eyes and the hearts and used the same yellow around those too. Because these squares are celebrating his heart day I am going to be putting a heart somewhere in the square every single time. That's the goal anyways. I of course waited until two days prior to start on this project...I work best under pressure. (I am aware that two days sounds like plenty of time to do one silly quilt square, and it would be if...IF...I didn't still have a day packed full of the regular every day stuff to do...but I do, it's never ending, so I basically only got to work on the square when I was nursing the baby...I multitask people, it's sink or swim around here!)

*
I really don't know how three years has flown by so fast. I wanted to link this post to a previous one where I shared more of his story, but I just couldn't pick which one described it best. Maybe this one, or this one, or this one, or even this one. Or maybe every single post I have ever written about him, than again maybe none of them can really describe the last three years. The whole experience was such a roller coaster. I am so thankful that his adoption is complete, and that we are now on "this side" of things. So much has happened and I know there is so much more to come. I will be sharing in it all, side by side, with my beautiful little red head......My Heart Child.

Powerful

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Just because it was about time for some cute baby girl pics.
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She is growing so fast! Already a chatter box, she will get into these long serious rambling conversations with you that go on and on. Then she will start making raspberry sounds and blowing bubbles. Which makes her smile. Really she entertains herself...so nice! She is starting to grab at stuff, and often gets things into her mouth now. Which within moments seems to tick her off and then she is ready to eat. I guess she figures everything she puts in her mouth should be feeding her and when that doesn't happen, watch out world! She loves to smile, these big beautiful grins, and when she aims one of those at her daddy or her brothers...they melt. Every where we go she captures peoples attention, they seem smitten by her. When we were at the hospital anytime we were on the elevator with other people she would start making the most adorable sounds and whoever was on the elevator couldn't help but laugh. I'm sort of a shy person so when everyone keep turning and staring at the baby on my back and laughing it was a bit embarrassing, but funny too. She thought it was awesome that she could grab everyones attention and then she would flash a giant smile and they all melted also. It's her super power. Don't even get me started on her pouty face, even I fall for that one, the whole house goes into a tizzy when baby pulls out the pouty face. That might be her super-duper power. The girl is powerful.

My time in the hospital...

Lots of moments were sad.

Some were happy. I loved the stuffed animals that I got.

Baby sister was with me. Sometimes she was the only one who could make me laugh.

This was around rock bottom, Mommy was having a hard time keeping it together.

I got an ouchie from where the IV board was on my foot (before they moved it to my hand), mommy was sad to see that and gave me lots of kisses.

My brothers came to see me, but they had to wave from the door because I got a stuffy nose and they put me in isolation. Mommy was really mad. I wasn't sick, they figured that out after my brothers had already left. Daddy got to visit with me though and we had lots of great snuggles.

Mommy went to visit with brothers and they went on a walk together.

They took pictures with all the awesome animal statues at Children's hospital.

Mommy was so sad to have to say goodbye to them that she cried for hours.

My Neenee came to visit me and so did lots of other people. They brought mommy food and love and well wishes for me. A couple people gave mommy money for a yummy coffee drink, they know her so well! It was very nice of them, mommy was drinking the free drip coffee but she made a face at every sip because I guess it was super nasty. The nurses figured out really fast that mommy needs her Cup of Coffee in the morning, before Anything Else. If I could of talked I would have told them that myself!

My sister spent a lot of time in her backpack carrier.

I finally got to go for a wagon ride to see the animal statues. I wasn't talking, but I had a smile on my face so mommy walked me around for a long time and showed me every single statue.

It was a lot of fun! So nice to get out of the room for a little while.

Then they told us that we might be able to go home for my birthday. My sister thought that was super cool!!

My mom thought it was about time. Nine days in the hopital is WAY too long.

We were both pretty excited about it.

Mommy rushed around doing all the last minute stuff and before I knew it I was sitting in the lobby waiting for the van that would take us home!

We were so ready! Mommy cried again, but this time it was tears of Joy!

I'll take it all!

Seems like yesterday you were a tiny little wizard.

*

*

So how can you possibly be three today?

*

Today we celebrate your birth, in six more days we will celebrate the day you became our heart child. I can hardly wrap my brain around all that has happened in your first three years on earth. Through it all you have been our happy Atty, with your big beautiful smile and kind warm heart. Curious, active, peace maker. Resilient, positive and forgiving. You keep us on our toes with all of your shenanigans! You are the busiest child I have ever encountered. Always getting into stuff and trying to escape, trying to figure out how everything works, and how to get your hands on anything that catches your eye. You have given me more scares as a parent then all the children I have ever watched over the years combined! I have felt so stressed out by your behavior, your impulsiveness, your constant need to explore. I've begged you to give it a break, to take it easy on your poor mom, to please, please stop for a moment...but then you did. This past week at the hospital I experience a silent, unresponsive little boy. You were not getting into anything. You sat still and stared at the movies we played for you, or just stared at the wall. You did not try to get into everything, or escape. You weren't driving me crazy with your antics, your impulsiveness. You weren't doing anything...and I hated it. I wanted to hear your voice so bad. I wanted you to give me one of your great smiles and wrap you warm arms around my neck. I wanted to chase you down, I even wanted to go back to saying "where's Atty" a million times a day. I never thought I would say that I wanted it all back, but I sure did. Now we are finally home and I am back to chasing around my active, impulsive, silly Atty. You are saying a few words and they sound so good. Your smile is back and it is as beautiful as ever. I am so relieved, so very thankful.

*

You are Resilient. Amazing. Wonderful You. I love You so much. We are in this together Atty, and I will be with You every step of the way. Whatever the years to come hold, whatever happens I will be right by Your side. I will be Your advicate, Your beacon, the strong and loving mom You need me to be. I will try to be less frustrated with Your random behaviors that have driven me crazy in the past. I will try to remember to keep in mind that it doesn't feel good when You are not You. I will take it all, the good, the bad and the ugly. The last three years have held so much, a wide range of emotions. You have added color to our lives, wild crazy moments, so much love and laughter. I am so thankful to have You in my life my heart child, happy birthday my love.

*

*
I can hardly believe you are three!

S. M. I. L. E. S.

WE ARE HOME!

Yahoo...we finally made it home, right before his birthday! He is still not talking a lot but making progress and eating well so they said we could go home and celebrate his birthday in style. We have lots of follow ups scheduled, and I have lots of journaling to do, meds to give and constant supervising, as in hovering, because he can't walk very well yet...still wobbly. No seizures though for days now, so that is awesome. My husband is getting ready to go pick up our other two boys and then we get to settle in for some family time. Being home never felt so good! I am praying that we have no hospital stays in the near future, a good long break would be so very nice. I am hopeful that the new medicine will continue to work for him, and that this time we can get back to our new normal for real...from home...I guess I'm saying I don't want the new normal to involve a lot of extended hospital stays.

I will post some pictures of our "adventure" soon. You should see the smile on Atty's face, and mine for that matter. We are not in the clear all the way yet...maybe not really ever, but it does feel so good...so very, very good...to be home.

Birthday wish

Since at the moment I am not inclined to curse and rant and rave I thought I'd give a little update. I will start by saying though that if you are looking for uplifting or witty you might want to skip over my posts for a while (not that I claimed to be any of those things anyways).

Atty has been making some progress. We are still at the hospital and I started my day crying because it really hit me hard that it's Monday and we are still here! He started being more responsive yesterday, and today he walked (using the word 'walked' loosely) around a bit and has been saying a slurred no and yeah with a few other words sprinkled in here and there. I've seen smiles, and he is definitely getting squirrelly and active. Active and uncoordinated is a bit scary. His birthday is on Wednesday and my birthday wish for him is that we are home to celebrate his birthday, the doctor tonight said we should make that a goal so that was nice to hear. Although I am trying not to get my hopes up too fast just in case. It does me no good. It's beyond wonderful to hear his voice even if it's only a little bit. My moods are all over the place inside but on the outside I am trying to keep a smile on my face and keep on keeping on. My wicked side has appeared a few times, mostly middle of the night or early morning...I think the nurses have all discovered it's best to let me go get my morning cup of coffee and then we can talk. ;)

I have so much swirling around in my head about our time here, but no time to do it justice in print. I think one of the hardest parts of being here really is seeing the stress and sadness on all the parents faces. It makes tears spring to my eyes over and over again. That and hearing the wails of an unhappy child wafting down the hallway. Makes me sick. Especially the little baby cries. I am thankful that Atty is starting to come around, and that hopefully we will find a way to keep his seizures to a minimum and find a new normal...at home...Home. Home. Home.