He gave that honor to me.

Who ran to help me when I fell,

and would some pretty story tell,

or kiss the place and make it well?

My Mother.

Ann Taylor Becoming Atty's mother was a long emotional road for me. I didn't just receive that title because I carried him in my tummy...I didn't carry him in my tummy. I didn't receive that title when he was put in my arms at six days old. I was called his temporary emergency care relative by the State, otherwise known as his Aunt. I stayed his Aunt for months and months and months. As my love grew and I knew I would fall apart if he was taken from me I was still not his mother. We bonded, I cared for him as only a mother can, but I still was not his mother. I grew more and more possessive still knowing that at any moment the State could come and take him away from me. As my love grew into something absolutely undeniable, something they could not take away from me I secretly started to call myself his mother...but never out loud. Do you know who gave me the title of Mother? He did. That's the way it should be and that's the way it was. One day he just started saying mama to me and that was it. No more "Aunties here baby" it was finally Mommy... mama, mama, mama from then on. I didn't care if it bothered others. Or that there was still a possibility that he wouldn't be staying with us forever. I was his mom, he picked me and that was that. It is hard to be someones mother but not. It's hard to love and care for a child that his birth parents want but can't have. Especially when dealing with family. It was hard to call my mom's house and have my brother's broken voice answer the phone. It was hard to be accused by them of stealing their child when I was just trying to keep him in the family and not in foster care. It was hard, is hard. They get no closure to this. I at least know that in two days on July 2nd I will officially have the title of Mommy, he will legally be my son and I will not have to worry daily about my baby, who grew in my heart, being taken away from me. It will be bittersweet, but sweet nonetheless.

*

For you see, each day I love you more.

Today more then yesterday and less then tomorrow.

Rosemonde Gerard

It's just a teaser.

Daisy. My favorite flower. I have about four or five different types in my garden up front and they are all blooming right now...so pretty. So...Welcome to my tiny garden. The taster garden as I like to call it. We don't have much space at this house so I have had to make do with two little garden boxes that my husband made for me. Better then nothing that's for sure! Still a teaser though, just makes me want the real thing.

Pretty soon this bush zucchini will be spilling out into the aisle and tripping me up! Can't wait to make zucchini bread, love it.

My artichokes, yummy, yum, yum!

This year I kinda just threw everything in there last minute, next year I will have to plan it a little better. Plus for some reason I forgot to plant lettuce or spinach, so sad.

There are my cherry tomato plants, and I think some early girls too, who knows, the boys destroyed so many of them and lost the tags and I bought new ones and they destroyed some of those and it went on and on so the survivors will just surprise us all. I need to find them some bigger containers though, they have so out grown those ones! The little pots sitting on the other side my mommy brought over for me, mint and rhubarb. Got to get around to planting the rhubarb out front (away from the boys) and the mint into bigger containers. Or leaving them in those containers until they die, I'm good at that too.

BiG

So now that I am almost 26 weeks I get to go back on a gestational diabetics diet, ya me! I don't have gestational diabetes, just super BiG babies. So in an attempt to keep them under 11 lbs, my midwife suggested the diet. I did the same diet with Spike and he was about 8 oz less then Bubu (but still over 10 lbs) so I guess that's progress. I am just not good with diets, as soon as I know there are things I am just not suppose to have...that's all I want. Horrible. Plus fruit is my vice when I am pregnant, I crave it, I need it, I must have it Right Now! I have to restrict that, sweeteners of any kind, sweets, and grains. When I do eat any kind of grain...noodles, rice, bread or whatever, it has to be a tiny serving paired with a protein. Ugggg. It goes on and on and the diet plan it self is way more in depth then I will actually get because I am just not a counter of calories and carbs, nor can I guarantee that I will eat at the same exact moment every day and space my meals out every few hours. That takes way to much effort, but I will try to watch what I eat. Because the idea of pushing out a baby much bigger then Spike was is quite frankly terrifying!

Oh and I'm huge...I should stop looking at the scale when I'm weighed, except that wouldn't work because at my midwifes clinic you have to weigh yourself and then relive the humiliation when they ask you how much the scale reflected this time. Not very kind if you ask me. Big, bIg, biG...that's me.

Soggy day fun.

Sometimes rainy days are the best. After weeks with out rain we have had a few soggy days as of late and that means I either come up with fun and exciting things for the kids to do, or I go insane. A house packed with six young children can be fun...or a nightmare...depending on how I plan the day. So on one of the days I decided to build a fort with the kids, which is something we haven't done in a while. I got the reminder from Tiffany at My Litter of Six (check her out she's awesome!) she posted about letting her kids build a big ole fort a while back. We built a smaller version and all the kids had so much fun, then I let them watch a movie in the middle of the day which is something we never do and we munched on some popcorn while watching the movie. They really thought the whole thing was so super cool. It kept them entertained for a good long time and gave me some peace of mind...which is so unexpected on a rainy day. Our magnificent chair fort, oh so fun.

I can remember building huge forts when I was a kid and I always had a blast. There's just something so fun about hiding inside of a blanket cave.

Bubu was having fun I swear, I think he was just trying to tell me to get the irritating camera out of his face. He's not much for pictures these days.

Since we are not doing preschool in the summer time it leaves for more hours to fill. Which can be a good thing because then we have time for bigger projects. There's an art project that I like to do with the kids every summer where we make butterflies. They always love it. We start out by doing paint blot art. They have so much fun "smooshing" the paint to spread it out.

Then we (I since all the kids are little right now) cut the shapes out into butterfly wings. I give them a body piece, a pipe cleaner to turn into antennas, and googlie eyes to glue on to the wings and ta-da we have butterflies.

Which we then hang up around the room and enjoy. They are super simple to make, but with six kids it takes a while to get them done, so it's a good way to fill up a rainy day.

We also did plain old water color painting on one of the rainy days and that turned out to be a lot of fun. Even the littlest enjoyed it. Since I had them take turns they didn't tire of it for a long time and it really filled up the day. They would paint, then switch with someone else and go play, then come back to paint...it worked out well. They did of course eventually get bored of this though so we cleaned it up and moved on to an Animal Dance Party. Boy was that fun! I got out the dress up clothes and picked out some jazzy music and it was on.

Atty doesn't like to dress up, never has. So the most I could get him to do was put this Dino hat on and pose one second for a picture before he ripped it back off.

The rest of the time he wore this one red wrist band and just hammed it up. I guess he's enough of a character he doesn't need to dress up!

Bubu decided to be the Dino, and then proceeded to wear the costume for the rest of the day.

Spike chose the monkey suit...doesn't he make for a cute monkey.

Then those animals got their grove on! It was super funny and they had a blast. After they were tired of dancing they just changed outfits a gazillion times and made an absolute mess of the playroom, but they were having fun and that's all that mattered on that wet, wet, wet day.

Banana, banana and more banana...

Anyone else out there make banana pancakes on a regular basis? They are a major favorite at our house with my kids and all the daycare kids. I have to make a double batch every time! So since I still don't have anything nice to say I've decided to bless (bore) you with another recipe. This one is super simple and really is a hit with the kiddos. Are you seeing a reoccurring theme with the bananas in this house? I buy about three big bunches every week and I'm usually out before weeks end...house full of monkeys I tell ya...

Pancakes

1 cup flour (what ever type you use)
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp oil
1 tbsp sugar
pinch of salt
1 beaten egg
1 cup buttermilk or milk
*When adding banana to make these banana pancakes combine the milk and banana to make one cup. I usually mash 1 banana and then add enough milk to make one cup. In fact I usually add more milk to the batter after it is mixed because I like my batter thinner for these pancakes. Just depends on your personal taste. I also add a little ground Cinnamon to mine just because I love the why is smells and I think it makes them all the more yummy.

To make this super simple I just mix all the dry ingredients together in a large mixing bowl then make a well in the center and add the wet ingredients. I whisk the wet ingredients together in the middle and then slowly mix the dry into the wet. That probably didn't make any sense...Mainly I'm just trying to save a mixing bowl. Anyways it takes seconds to make these puppies and they are delicious. I never knew it was so easy to make pancakes from scratch until a couple years ago when someone shared this recipe with me and now I never buy the mixes.

If you have a big family or super hungry kids you better make a double batch!

Talk about yummy!

You know that old saying, if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Well that's were I'm at. So I thought I'd share an awesome recipe instead. It is well worth sharing and if you feel even a little bit like baking don't miss out on this one. It's super easy and super yummy.

The original recipe is listed below, I had to make changes to it because of Atty's many food sensitivities. I'm sure the original is just as yummy though if not yummier (is yummier a word?)

Banana bread (I know what your thinking but this is no ordinary banana bread.)

3 cups all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking soda
3/4 tsp salt
3 large eggs
2 cups sugar
1 1/3 cups vegetable oil
2 tbsp pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups ripe mashed banana
1 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
1/2 cup buttermilk
nonstick cooking spray
~
Preheat oven to 350 (makes two loafs or you can use one 9 by 12 cake pan or muffin tins like I do.) I don't use nonstick cooking spray so I just lightly greased the pan with grape seed oil (or what ever high heat oil you use). Set pan aside.
~
In a medium size mixing bowl whisk together the flour, baking soda and salt then set aside.
~
In another large mixing bowl beat with an electric mixer the eggs, sugar, and veggie oil on med-low speed- then beat in the flour mixture. Add the vanilla, banana, coconuts and butter milk and beat just until combined.
~
Bake for 60-65 minutes.

Now with Atty I can't use any wheat, gluten, dairy or coconut so....
*I substituted the flour for 2 cup rice flour + 1 cup almond flour for a total of 3 cups.
*I leave out the coconut (and it's still yummy).
*I admit though I am too scared to use rice milk in place of the buttermilk, but I don't ever have buttermilk on hand so I just use the substitute for that, sour milk. For this recipe I use 1/2 tablespoon of vinegar and then add enough milk to make a 1/2 cup (let it sit for at least 5 minutes). I got this idea from a Betty Crocker Cookbook. In that book to make sour milk it's a tablespoon of vinegar and then add enough milk to make one cup. It works well, and even though Atty isn't suppose to have dairy it's such a little amount that it doesn't seem to bother him.
*I also used grape seed oil instead of vegetable oil, I think it makes the bread all the more yummy! Plus I feel that it is a bit better for us, so I try to use it as often as possible as a replacement for regular ole veggie oil.
*I also use about 2 cups mashed banana, because I think it makes the bread a little more moist.
*I use around 1 1/2 cups sugar instead of 2, just because.
*Since I don't use coconut I add ground spices to mine like Cinnamon, Ginger, Nutmeg, and Clove. Some or all depending on how I feel. I'm a moody cook. ;)
*I also don't cook mine for 60 minutes, mine cooks way faster then that but it could be because of the flours I'm using. Keep an eye on yours though and take it out if it starts to get too brown, you don't want to over cook this one. One of the things that makes it so yummy is how moist it is.

This recipe calls for way more sugar and oil then I would normally use, but it really does make it yummy so I waver in my convictions I suppose.

So there you go, I sure hope you try it. If I could I would make you all some because it's so delicious everyone should have a chance to taste it. Oh and if you want to make it more like a dessert or coffee cake add Cinnamon sugar or brown sugar to the top before you put it in the oven (if you're not using the coconut, otherwise that might be nasty).

ENJOY!

There is no title for this one...

Things are a bit stressful over here. I won't go into it too much, because I've learned my lesson about blogging when emotional (I think), but lets just say my husband has lost his marbles. On top of being laid off and under financial strain in addition to another baby on the way, his mother is dying from cancer at age 50 and he is having a hard time keeping it together. He copes with stress by withdrawing from us all and going back into some old patterns that are hurtful to all involved including himself, it's always very upsetting to me...he has been in an extremely selfish mode the last couple weeks. I have drawn his attention to it, and he seems to be coming up for air, so I'm hoping we can work together as one again soon. In the mean time I am stressed to the max and feeling a bit depressed. I want to be there for him, but because of his behaviour as of late, I am angry with him also. It's overwhelming to feel so conflicted.


If you are a praying person and you feel like praying for a stranger I sure could use your prayers. Because when things get like this I feel like crawling into bed, pulling the covers up over my head and never coming out. Of course I can't do that because I have a bunch of little blessings running around the house that need their mother, so I need to find the strength to keep on going even if things seem impossible right now.

I rewrote this post about a million times and then couldn't decide whether to post it or not, and then I figured I spent so much time writing and deleting I might as well post it. What we are dealing with here is very personal and not something I can really write about and what I can write about sounds stupid and meaningless, but just know that I needed to vent, even if I could only vent a little bit.

uniquely you

Spike was born with a big dark brown birthmark on his neck. His doctor said it won't ever fade or get smaller, it will always stay the size it is in relation to his body. At first I was shocked. I didn't know if I liked it. I didn't want him to have such an obvious birthmark. But as he's grown it's become such a part of him, making his so uniquely him that I can't imagine him with out it. He wouldn't be the same quirky mischievous Spike with out that birthmark. Then this past weekend we went to a party. There was a girl there, about five years old, whose spied his birthmark. "Eewww" she said "what's that?" I looked to where she was pointing and she was pointing straight at his birthmark and my heart sank. This is what I was afraid of. Kids can be so mean. I nicely told her it was his birthmark, that he was born with it. To which she responded "It's weird" and I was at a loss for words. Spike, being little, was completely oblivious to all of this. This little five year old girl went on to point out his birthmark to any other little kid she could show saying things like "look isn't that weird, it's so big." I tried to ignore her, and change the subject but she was relentless. It was so frustrating and for me heartbreaking. I know that there will be other kids that will tease him about his birthmark. Point it out, ask him questions about it. Kids always point out things that are different. Pick at them, and sometimes torment other kids about there differences. I don't want him hurt by all this but I know I can't stop it and he will soon be able to understand that there is something different about him that other kids see. Something that some people think is beautiful, but not everyone.

He's such a silly boy, my hope is I can teach him not to let the comments get to him (like they do me). To just tell anyone who makes a big deal about it what it is in a matter of fact way and then walk away and let it go. To know in his heart who he is and be confidant of that. I hope he feels good about his birthmark, proud of it in fact, knowing that it makes him uniquely him. A big fat angel kiss. My mom use to tell me that all my freckles were angel kisses when I would get upset about them. That the angels just loved me up really good before I was born. When I would get teased about them (I do have A Lot of freckles!) I would hear that in the back of my head, and it always helped me to just let it go. I've even learned to love my freckles now. That's what I hope to pass on to him, something that reminds him that it's okay, that it makes him special and wonderful in the eyes of God and his family and anyone else who loves and cares about him.

It sound silly to be so worried about it, but I truly know how mean kids can be. I was teased relentlessly about the most ridiculous things as a child. It was hard and I suffered almost daily from it. I would come home in tears some days. I'm a sensitive soul, as my children seem to be also. It's good to be sensitive, but you take everything to heart and it sure can make life harder sometimes. I have to figure out how to help him be okay with who he is no matter what others say, in fact I have to help all my children with this, and to stay true to themselves.

~

In the meantime I need to not let comments from five years old bother me so much!

~

Oh and below is a picture I took of Spike with his special birthday pancakes (remade). I took Lisa's advice and just did them all over again (because of the whole erasing all my pictures fiasco) and I sure am glad I did. I didn't have the energy to reenact his whole birthday, but this was easy enough.

Isn't he cute?!

...one last time...

WE

HAVE

A

DATE!

The adoption is almost complete. I got the call yesterday, two weeks until court, then everything will be finalized! I can hardly believe we are almost there. I am so excited! The whole process has been a seemingly never ending series of hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, absolutely overwhelming.

So here's to hurry up and wait...one last time!

CHEERS!

Sucks

Yesterday I deleted all of my pictures off of my camera on accident. Every picture of Ira's second birthday. His family birthday celebration, his birthday party, every single one. There was only one other camera at the party and they only took a few pictures. That is all I will have of my baby boys second birthday. I always make them special birthday pancakes that are shaped like the number of how old they are and a heart and then they get there picture taken with them in the morning and I lost those too. Every single one. My camera was full of pictures that I was just getting ready to download. It had beautiful pictures of the date that my hubby and I went on to the beach for our anniversary. We hadn't been out together in, I don't even know how long, and it was wonderful and of course I have those memories. But pictures mean a lot to me also if you haven't noticed and I am so sad that I lost those pictures too. Belly pictures. Pictures of another hike we went on. Every single one. I don't think I really even want to know all the pictures that I lost, the camera was full. I bawled. Like a baby. I had to go hide in my room, and cry my eyes out while my husband watched the kids. Then I cried every timed I talked about it all day long. Good grief I'm crying right now, this sucks...I'm such an idiot. I can not believe I did such a stupid thing...yes I can...but it still sucks. (sucks is such an annoying word)

At least it starts out well

Does anyone else feel like they got punched in the stomach by the time they leave the grocery store? I can't believe how much I end up having to pay for our groceries every week. With the daycare and my own hungry boys.

It always starts out well. As I am going through the store looking for the deals yet making sure to buy healthy. We are big on whole grains and organics which of course cost more, but make me feel good about the choices I am making. Until I go to pay that is! Organic milk for instance, almost six dollars a gallon! I have to buy half organic and half regular milk and just alternate between the two because I flat out can't afford it! I rarely buy name brand, unless it's a better deal. I seldom buy prepared foods. I buy little meat, because I don't cook (because I myself don't eat) cows or pigs. We eat a lot of rice and beans that I buy in bulk and we still end up spending around 250.00 a week in groceries or more. This seems like a lot to me. Am I wrong? I am thrifty and I hate spending money if I don't have to so maybe I am just hating having to shell out so much money just to go back in a week and shell out some more. Oh and then there is also Atty's food allergies. He is allergic to wheat, gluten, dairy, soy, and coconut so far. We still have to do the elimination diet for corn and eggs. Do you have any idea how hard it is to shop and cook when you have to keep that food out? I often have to make a whole separate menu just for him. The specialty food is so much more expensive too, it's outrageous. A lot of the times he doesn't even really like it, which ends up being an waste of food and money. I don't blame him though some of it is really gross.

Being pregnant and hormonal I almost cried yesterday when I did my usually shopping trip. It's just so frustrating, we don't even buy many extras (if any) and we still end up spending so much on food. I know I am mostly stressed because my husband is laid off again but still. I know that we can live off of rice and bean we have many times, but I prefer to feed my boys well rounded healthy meals. Maybe I should just stop looking at the total and just pay with my eyes closed? Any ideas...

Happy anniversary

The big day was four years ago now. Seems a lot longer then that since I met him so long ago. We committed to each other way before we actually got married...it took us a while. He proposed to me at the very same spot on the river the year before on the exact same date. Here is a little bit straight out of my journal from that day when he proposed.

*

We walked out onto a log that was hanging over the river and sat down side by side. We were looking around and taking in the view and listening to the sound of the river. R started talking about how the river would be a beautiful place to get married and such and I remember sort of thinking it was an odd subject to bring up, but I was still oblivious. I was excited about finally getting my daycare license the day before (and thinking about that). After all that stress I was just enjoying being able to relax at the river. I was agreeing with him and we were chit-chatting and he said he wanted to be able to call me his wife and I said "buddy that's sweet, I want to be able to call you my husband." At that moment he took my hand and said "will you marry me?" During this time I was getting ready to tease him about a ring which is something J and I had been doing lately. So I said "of course I would marry you..." and I was getting ready to say more when he said "oh good because I got you this and he pulled the most beautiful white gold three stone diamond ring out of his pocket. I was in shock. The first thing I said was "are you serious" then I said that a few more times, and he asked which hand the ring went on and I started crying as I showed him which one and he held it and stared into my eyes and said again "will you marry me?" I said "yes!" Then I said "I thought you'd never ask me!" (Because I stupidly told him years before that I would never get married, and I would tell him no if he asked. Nothing against him I was just scared of the whole thing.) I was crying and laughing and scared the ring was going to fall into the river. He got it on my finger and I gave him the biggest best hug ever and I was shaking and I felt good to the very core of my being. I was on top of the moon and it was surreal! I never knew that one moment in your life could feel so good. I remember the sound of the river, the feel of the wind, the mountains and evergreen trees around us, the smell of nature and the look of pure love on R face. I could feel it on my own and I knew our hearts were beating together as the sun began to sink and twilight settled in.

Aren't I corny. It was such a wonderful day though and the wedding day one year later was just as amazing. I had such butterflies in my stomach! J walked me up to R while the song Build to Last by Tom Petty (my favorite) was playing. We have so many pictures from that day that I didn't write it down in a journal, it's as clear as a bell in my head. We stood and listened as the song finished, and I soaked it all in. The river, the mountains, the sound of the birds singing in the background my soon to be husband standing before me. It was a super tiny wedding (four other adults and two kids + the really sweet lady who married us). My sister, knowing how much I love daisies stopped and picked wild daisies on the way to the wedding and made crowns for us to wear. I had already had one made for me by a florist along with a daisy bouquet, she didn't know this. R wore his though and she wore the other one. It ended up being the perfect touch.

The whole wedding was so much more wonderful then I ever could have imagined.
The love I felt for R was (and is) immeasurable.
Seeing that same love reflected in his eyes meant the world to me. I have always felt connected to him but I didn't realize something had been missing until that moment. Standing there declaring our ongoing commitment to each other I truly feel complete. We had included the words "you complete me" in our wedding vows and it felt so go to say. We wrote our own vows and every word was straight from the heart.
Sealed with a kiss.

Wasn't J the cutest. He was so proud to be able to walk with me up to R and be included in the wedding. Wouldn't have had it any other way. He has always been a huge part of our lives.

*

So now it is our anniversary, and so much has happened in the last four years. We were talking about it last night and we can hardly believe how much has gone on. It's almost overwhelming. We have been through a lot and there is a lot more to come. Looking back over how we have weathered it through the years though and how much we have learned about each other I feel we are well equipped to stand strong together even in the biggest storm.

*

This is a poem I wrote to him nine years ago and I still feel this way to this day.

*

you are my love

my soul mate

my friend

from the beginning of time

we were meant to be together

with our hearts in twined

and our minds in tune

you are my love

my soul mate

my friend

you are my rock

in a ragging river

you are my light

at the end of a long hard road

you are my love

my soul mate

my friend

when I am sad

you kiss away my tears

you make me laugh

when my head is clouded with fears

you are my love

my soul mate

my friend

*

Looking forward to another year.

...and now you are two...

A week over due with baby number two!

Just to warn you the following is Spikes birth story, and has some detail straight out of my journal. If you are squeamish about that sort of thing you might not want to read this extremely long post.

Finally Baby! Spending the day at the park did the trick! It was a warm day and I soaked my feet in the cool water at the lake. Ate lots of food, especially watermelon and lots of walking. I was getting contractions and they felt different then before. Toward the end of the day I told Ryder this, he felt we should go home, and it had been a long day so I agreed.
A few hours after we got home my water broke, so after waiting a bit to make sure it was the real thing, I told Ryder to call my mom and Iva and let them know that tonight was the night, there was no going back cause my water was really leaking out by then.
Iva showed up around 10 pm, my mom was going straight to the clinic because she had a long drive, my contractions were getting really regular and all of the sudden I got an urge to clean. I freaked out. I refused to leave until the house was spotless.
Ryder and Iva started helping me and we were all cleaning together and Iva and Ryder started laughing at me cause here I was having contractions and leaking and obviously going into labor and I was rushing around cleaning up the house! I started vacuuming and every time I got a contraction I stopped and waited tell it was over and then I would start vacuuming again. My midwife called back and said that I should come in right away, but I wanted to finish cleaning the house so she said I could but that I really should come as soon a possible. Ryder and Iva thought we should leave but I wasn’t done vacuuming and I didn’t feel that the house was clean enough yet so I didn’t want to leave. Ryder and Iva looked so worried that it was kind of funny, but I really didn’t care about any thing but a clean house at the time. By the time I was done vacuuming the contractions were coming on strong so Ryder started packing up the kids, they were so sleepy. I was on the couch because the contraction were really intense and I felt like I couldn’t move. Ryder came and got me last and helped me out to the van, there was a quiet excitement in the air. On the drive over the contractions were not as bad and I felt kind of peaceful, it was nice that the big day, or should I say night, was finally here. It was a pretty night and we were driving on back roads and Ryder had a nap time cd playing, my favorite one, and I wasn’t scared at all. I thought I would be but I wasn’t, I felt really at peace. I heard later that Ryder was flying over those back road and Iva was white knuckling it the whole way following him, but I didn't notice, I was to busy staring out the window and soaking it all in. I was so excited to finally get to have a natural birth (after the C-section with Bubu). The night was warm and kind of bright, and every thing seemed cozy as we walked into the clinic, my mom was already there. The only disappointing thing was when they checked me, I was only 2 centimeters! I felt so much farther along then that. At that point I started to feel a little worried that this was going to last for a long time. But everything was so intense that I didn’t think about that for long. I couldn’t get in the tub yet cause it was to early so I decided to take a shower.
When I got out things were pretty intense, all I wanted to do was lay down on the bed, and that’s were I stayed, for the most part. Ryder was in the room at first, but he feel asleep and his arm started to twitch on my head, and it irritated me so I asked him to go get Iva. He stayed out of the room the rest of the night, and Iva and my mom took turns comforting me. Kim, my midwifes assistant at the time, stayed with me the whole night. I really liked her so I was glad she was the one to stay with me. I didn’t talk to any one much at all, I was focused on controlling my voice and keeping my noises low and opening myself up. I threw up a lot, that was no fun at all, but in a weird way it felt good, and I knew it was also helping me to open up so I just focused on that and didn’t let it bother me to much. I kept my eyes closed most of the time. I wanted to be checked half way through the night, but they didn’t want to check me to much cause of my water being broken, so they told me to wait. Every one thought I was going to take a long time, because of were I was when they checked me the first time. I just wanted to get in the tub and I knew I needed to be 5 centimeter to do that and I felt like I had to be close to that cause the contractions were non stop. Then the light started to shine out side and I could hear birds singing and everything felt surreal. The contractions had been intense all night, more then any one seemed to realize, and I heard my mom and Kim talking about getting me up later for a walk to keep things going, because it was going to be such a nice day. I thought they were crazy because I could barely keep on top of the contractions and I felt delirious. I realized that no one really understood were I was when Kim told me to breath between contractions and rest and I knew that was impossible cause there was no in between. Then I started to lose it, I hurt so bad, this is the only time I started to get loud, I started to say out loud how much it hurt, cause I felt like no one understood where I was since I had been so quiet, except for the deep sounds I had been making. They told me to switch positions so I did and that’s when I felt like I needed to push, it was a strange sensation. So I told Kim, and I could tell she didn’t really believe me, but I insisted and so she went to tell the midwifes. My midwife finally came, she obviously wasn’t in much of a rush, and she checked me and everyone was surprised to find out that I was 8 to 9 centimeters! Except for me, I knew I was ready to go. So then I wanted in the bath tub, cause I wanted to be sure to have a water birth, and they started filling up the tub. It couldn’t fill up fast enough I wanted in so bad! Finally I got in and it felt wonderful and I started pushing right away. The head was down low and everyone was getting excited. Then it seemed like something was going wrong and I started to feel scared for the first time. Because his head was right there but he wasn’t coming out. I was so tired by this time cause I had been up most the night. The labor had been so intense the whole time that I hadn’t had any rest in between. I was trying to push, but I couldn’t seem to do more then one or two pushes at a time and I couldn’t hold my breath and push for more then the count of about five. I was drained. I kept straining and pushing and I could feel the intense pressure and stretching of his head but he just wouldn’t come out. At one point, for the first time during my labor, I worried about my uterus rupturing, and felt a little fear (because of my previous C-section). I was afraid of straining to hard because of this, also I knew the harder I pushed the more hemorrhoids I would have, and even though this shouldn’t have been on my mind, it did cross it for a moment (seriously it did, haha!). The midwives felt like I wasn’t in a good position, and my legs weren’t wide or high enough so they wanted me to get out of the tub. I again felt like they were crazy, and I didn’t want to get out. I could see the concern on their faces though and everything seemed very serious at that moment. So as they were discussing how to get me out of the tub, I decided I wasn’t getting out and I started pushing harder then ever and with great determination. I had this feeling that my unborn child's life and health, as well as my own, was literally up to me at that very moment, and that I must call upon every fiber of my being, and the strength that only a women in labor can have. It was not a voice, I was beyond thinking, it was a knowing, a primal motherly knowledge, an instinctual feeling of my child’s life being in danger.

I heard some one call out to get the mid wives attention and tell them that I was pushing and I heard every thing get really frantic at once and Kim jumped into the tub and every one gathered around and with one great big push that felt like my eyes would pop out of my head out came Ira. I can not even properly describe the power or energy that surrounded me at that very moment. He was put on my chest and he was a grayish blue and had such a cone head. Then everything started to speed up, and I could tell that some thing was wrong.

They started telling me to talk to and rub by baby and they were putting a tube down his throat and getting the oxygen. I knew they were trying to get me to get him going and he didn’t seem to be breathing.

I was so scared at that very moment. Time stood still for him and I and sped by around us at the same time. I can’t even explain it. I heard nothing but the hum of commotion and I felt like I could barely breath.

Then he started to breath and I felt myself take a breath with him and he moved and I started to cry because I was so relieved and I looked up at Ryder for the first time.

Things got pretty hectic for me also after his birth, I won't go into it, I'll just say I lost a lot of blood and had to have a lot of work done. It wasn't pleasant. The reason why he got stuck was because he had his hand on his face as he went through the birth canal and I had to push out his head and elbow. It's hard to explain but anyways he made it all difficult. His head was already 15 inches and he was a big baby, so he really didn't need to go the extra mile there and make it even harder! He was born at 8:03 am (about 12 hours after my water broke and my contractions started) on June 3rd.

I knew he was an *** (his real name isn't Spike, shocking!) when I was looking at him nurse and I told my husband what I felt and he agreed. I think at that point he would have agreed with any name, or anything for that matter, he was so blown away by the whole thing. He had dark hair, he actually had hair! He was so dark in comparison to Bubu from his skin to his eyes and hair it was almost shocking.

My husband and Bubu comforted me while my midwifes fixed me up. They were so sweet. Atty slept through the whole thing! Of course he was only four months old.

Daddy got to weigh him and he weighed 10 lbs 3 ounces! We all guessed the weight beforehand and my husband got it right on! He was so proud of that fact.

This picture was taken a few days after Spike was born, cute little babies!

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About four hours later we packed up and went home. Everything went better then I could ever have imagined, and I couldn’t believe that just yesterday I had been pregnant and now I was going home with our second (biological, we didn't know that we would be adopting Atty at the time) child! Our van was full, my hubby and I in the front, Atty and little baby Spike in the middle and J and Bubu in the back. Wow! It was nice to get home and snuggle up in my own bed with the babies. Two weeks off, and then back to work, yikes.

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...and now you are two, and I can hardly believe it. Reading your birth story still brings tears to my eyes. You are so amazing my son. Smart, funny, adorable, and ten steps ahead of me at all times. I love your snuggles and your cute little voice. Lately I will catch a glimps of you out of the corner of my eye and I will have to stop and stare, because I don't understand when the baby melted away and the little boy appeared. It happened too fast. Way too fast. Happy Second Birthday by baby boy. I know, I know, your bigger now, I just can't come to terms with that. Just like I tell your brothers, not matter how big you all get you will always be my babies...

Wishers

Make a wish...
and blow.

Dream a little dream...

and watch them go.

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I don't know how much longer my boys will be excited at the sight of wishers, but I will treasure every moment of it.