A post about a birthday that happened a month ago... oops.

I forgot to post about Atty's bird birthday!!! His 5th birthday. In February. Good Grief!

It was a lot of fun! Atty is still really excited about birds, so we centered all the fun and gifts around that theme. Bird decorations, bird games, bird feeder craft... everyone had tons of fun.

{Ignore the glare off those horribly dirty windows, I swear I wash them but the kids just get them sticky all over again, like instantly.}

Birds, birds everywhere! He was so excited to wake up to all these birds. :)

In our family I get all the kids some sort of little present in the morning of a birthday. So that everyone feels included. We don't open presents until the night time {Usually daddy's not home until then, and we all want him to be there, so we wait...} Waiting until night takes a lot of patience though so I like to give them all a little something fun in the morning. :) This birthday they all got a little Audubon bird, of course.

My big bird loving five year old, sitting in his special birthday spot at the table, waiting for his birthday pancakes.

The high point of his morning was opening a present that was sent from his biological brother in Montana. I'm so thankful for this special relationship we get to have with his brother and family. His brother is adopted as well, and in another state no less, so it's pretty special that we get to be so close to them! In fact we are planning a trip to Montana this summer to see them and it's about all we can talk about around here! :)

Bird boy!

Special heart cake made with almond flour and a sweet cashew butter frosting. I tried something new and made it sort of like a spice cake and it was really yummy!

He just couldn't wait, ha ha!

We also had an amazing birthday party for him the following weekend with some family and close friends and it was a lot of fun... so much so that at the end of it all he passed out on the couch with out a moments notice. One moment he was partying like a big boy, the next he was out like a light. I'd say that party was a success. :)

It was a wonderful birthday, for an amazing boy who is growing up entirely to fast! One of the funniest moments at the birthday party was when he open up a present from a friend that was a bag of bird seed and some nyjer bird feeder sacks... and he was so excited! He couldn't believe he had his own bird seed! {Normally I buy it and fill the feeders myself} He wanted to carry it around with him. Everyone had a good laugh... I mean seriously what five year old boy do you know would get so excited over bird food! That's what I love though, he is so uniquely him.

Happy Birthday Son!

Even if mommy is over a month late posting this... oops.

Rushed Narrative

My kids have been saying the silliest things lately. And growing like crazy. Sigh.

{They love these wooden blocks!}

We have been pretty busy, and then not at the same time. I know that makes no sense. It just seems like the days are full, but then I wonder what in the world I accomplished at the end of the day. I can't wait until winter is over and spring starts for real. We have had some freak snow these last couple weeks, just enough of a dusting that I feel discouraged about my garden plans. Looks like I will be putting them off for a while longer.

{Could she be any cuter?}

My baby girl is growing faster then I can keep up with. I've started noticing little babies and pregnant women everywhere. It's hard for me to think that I will not be having any more babies. It's a weird mixture of emotions because I feel so done and ready for raising them and not having them, but it also makes me feel old and a bit sad to not be in that stage of my life any more.

{Brothers, wow do I love these boys!}

We got to go visit with J and my hubby's sister and her family a while back. J just turned 17! Time does fly!!!

{My heart is full.}

Had a beautiful Valentine's day at home with the family. Couldn't think of a better way to spend a day of love.

{He is trying to show where his tooth use to be, and he's holding the little tooth in his hand but it's hard to see.}

Bubu lost his first tooth! We were planning on going out that night, my husband and I, and I had felt so disappointed when the plans fell through. {Mostly because a night out with the husband, just the two of us, is a rare treat indeed!} I had curled my hair and had an outfit all ready so we ended up taking the kids out to eat with us for the first time {It went surprisingly well!} because why waste cute curls right!?! Poor Bubu couldn't eat because it hurt his tooth so bad. He was also a bit freaked out because it kept bleeding, so he just sat through dinner with a tissue to his mouth. When we got home he went to brush his teeth before bed, and got the surprise of his little life, his tooth came out! He was sooooooo thrilled. He just couldn't believe it! I loved seeing his excitement and ended up being so thankful that our original plans fell through. Funny how life works out that way some times. :)

{I attempted braids in Lala hair, yes I know I'm desperate, haha!}

This post is going backwards in time. The winter has been mild, a little snow, a lot of rain, and a few weak sunny days sprinkled in here and there. I've been chasing them outside the moment the sun comes out. Well to be honest I chase them outside rain or shine, but they last longer on the sunny days. :)

{My kids like to make bird nests to watch movies in.}

We have been watching the Little House on the Prairie series together this winter. I love it, and the kids look forward to watching them with me. I love snuggling up with them, and it has started some amazing conversations as well. We will be getting the book series soon, and I'm even more excited to read the books with them. We have started to read chapter books together out loud, me reading... them listening. Bubu really enjoys it and Atty and Ira listen fairly well too. Even Lala likes to sit on my lap while we are reading, but she often tries to "read" her own books out loud when I'm reading... little stinker. We just finished "Island of the Blue Dolphin" and I just got a bunch more fun books to read with them at the library. "The Black Stallion", "Old Yeller", and "The Last of the Mohicans" are a few of them.

{Atty is finally getting the hang of peddling his bike, but he still just isn't that interested in bike riding.}

In moments of sunshine the boys have been breaking out their bikes. Still with training wheels. I have a feeling Spike will be getting his training wheels off way before my very cautious oldest son. Spike is a very competitive and driven little mister... Bubu not so much. He cruises slowly back and forth on the side walk, having a panic attack {kidding} when ever anyone gets too close to him or too close to the road. Where as Spike tries to see how fast he can make his bike go. He makes me nervous, haha!

{Bubu being his normal worried self because he doesn't want to get too close to his sister in fear that he might run into her...}

I wish we had a better place for them to ride their bikes. We don't live on a dead end so it's not safe enough for them to ride in the street, and the side walk is so narrow and the dips for the driveways cause problems for kiddos just learning how to ride... it's also impossible at this point for me to just load up their bikes and take them some where fun to ride, I hope to figure that out soon. We might be getting a small flat bed trailer for our up coming summer trip to Montana. I might just have to figure out how to drive the van with a trailer attached so that I can also load up their bikes and we can go on an adventure. That would be fun. Or scary, depending on how well I can drive with a trailer... hummm....

{My wild child.}

I've been dreaming of all the exploring I want to do with the kids this summer. We are going to have a pretty tight summer, money wise, because we are trying to save all our pennies for the much anticipated Montana trip, but even so I hope to do lots of relatively free hiking and river outings. :) I guess it will mostly all depend on gas prices because it's really starting to hurt at the pump! My husband already has an hour one way commute time... so that really bites into the gas money. Although he has been able to car pool for the most part, which really helps! We do have a few fun out door exploring places close by so we might just have to recycle those over and over again. :)

{Don't you just love her adorable owl hat!}

Lala recently figure out how to pedal her tricycle! I think she is the only one of my children to master a trike so early! She was so proud of herself, and is getting quite fast!

{The kiddos got the most adorable animal hats for Christmas.}

Lately Atty and Lala have been playing together a lot. It's nice because Bubu and Spike pair up often. There is a pretty peaceful balance around here right now. Atty and Lala both ended up with owl hats and they will put them on and play baby owl and mommy owl, it's pretty cute. Atty plays well with Lala because he likes playing imagination games with stuffed animals and little animal toys and Lala enjoys playing along. Bubu and Ira are a lot more into super heroes, action figures and active games. They like to use their imagination as well but in a completely different... much more rambunctious, good verses bad, sort of way.

{Enjoying a walk on a crisp but sunny day.}

My boys often talk about how many kids they are going to have. Bubu often says 10 or so, Atty always says two and Spike of course says a number some where in the hundreds because he's competitive like that. ;) The other night we had the following conversation, Bubu said

"Mom, I'm going to have 10 kids, five boys and five girls." He held his hands up in the air and looked from one hand to the other then said "five girls mom, That's A Lot Of Sass!" The way he said it was so funny that I couldn't help but laugh. Then Atty said "I'm only going to have one girl, that's just a little sass." Oh man those boys are funny! The things they say, seriously I should start a journal. :) Just carry it around with me and jot down every silly little thing they say so that I never forget.

{snug little bugs..}

The boys made a fort with one of the bunk beds {with my help} and decided to camp out together a few weekends ago, which turned into almost every night since then... I love how close my boys are and how much they seem to enjoy each others company. They've always preferred sharing a bed rather then sleeping alone though, so it's no surprise. Normally I would be very strict about them going straight to sleep at their bedtime, especially during the week, but I've been trying to relax a bit on certain things. We home school after all so we have nice relaxed mornings and if they want to sleep in they always could. {Although they NEVER do, not even on the weekend, I dream of the day that I can again sleep past seven.} As long as they are quiet I've been letting them camp out, and I have to say it's pretty cute hearing them whispering to each other.

{Our one big snow fall of the year, we made a snow bunny.}

I've thought of plenty other things that I wanted to blog about but I never seem to have {or make} the time to do it... and then I forget all about it. I'm still not really caught up, but I've rambled long enough. I really hate it when I forget to blog for a while because I want this to be a record of our lives. I want to be able to look back and get a good picture of how things were. Not a rushed narrative. Sigh. It's so hard for me to really get down what our lives are all about.

Hold them tight

On Friday my husband was at work when the refinery he is working at right now had an explosion. Thankfully he was not hurt and I found out about the fire at the same time that I found out he was okay, so I didn't have to spend any time afraid that he didn't make it out alive. But I did cry with the realization that I could have lost him, and because I was worried that others might have been hurt. The kids and I spent some time praying about it and thanking God. I try to pretend that his job isn't dangerous, I mean being a union carpenter shouldn't be all that dangerous, but working at refineries is. This is not the first time there has been explosions at the refineries he has worked at, but this was the worst one for him. I didn't know how bad it was until Ryder finally shared with me last night.

On Friday night when he got home he had so many calls to make and receive, letting people know he was okay, that we didn't get a chance to talk. I could tell he didn't want to talk about it in front of the kids so I didn't bring it up. We went to bed with out talking about because we were both so tired.

Then Saturday we wanted to do something together as a family since we had an unexpected family day with him not working, so we decided to take the kids swimming. We still hadn't had a chance to talk about it... At the swimming pool the kids and I got into the water before him and suddenly he appeared fully dressed and said he didn't feel good and had to leave. I was so upset. Had to blink hard to stop the tears. Thankfully I had my brother and his family and my sister there so I had help with the kids, but still we had all wanted to spend time with him so badly. After the kids swam for 3 hours {!} we headed back to the van and I was pretty worked up at that point. Not understanding what was wrong and just feeling upset that he didn't spend time with us. We didn't hardly talk for the rest of the day.

We finally talked that night, late, and it didn't go well. There was anger and frustration and hurt feelings on both sides. Ryder felt like I wasn't being understanding and I felt like how could I be really understanding if he wasn't sharing with me. He told me that he had a panic attack in the changing room at the pool, that the only other time he's had one like that was when his mom died, and it overwhelmed him. He said it sounded like the building was falling apart and on fire. It was more then he could handle and he had to leave. He shared this with me but still didn't share what he went though on Friday, and instead went to bed while I cried until my eyes were swollen on the couch. It's so weird how all I wanted to do was hold him close when I heard about the fire, and then when we see each other we are not communicating and fighting instead. The exact opposite of what I wanted. He thinks he's sheltering me from the fear and keeping me from being upset when in actuality I am feeling excluded and it hurts. I would rather be upset with him and share the fear. I want to be able to comfort and understand.

Sunday we stayed busy with our own projects. Both still a little snippy with each other. Still not talking. It's admittedly hard to talk about difficult stuff because we don't want to talk about it in front of the kids. Finally that night after the kids were in bed he opened up. He told me the whole thing, and although I kept my face calm and my words soothing I'll admit I freaked out inside. But I am so thankful he finally shared with me. It made a world of difference for both of us. He told me that he was right there when it happened, that the alarms when off and at first no one really noticed because I guess there is a lot of false alarms there. But then he heard people saying that it was the real thing and then people started shouting "Run, run!" {along with profanity and general chaos} and he looked behind him and there was a ball of fire headed right at them. He showed me the distance he was from the fire ball and it still makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. He said he ran until his lungs burned and his legs felt like jelly and he didn't look back but he could hear the roar of the fire. In his head he was thinking about his kids, and me, and how he might never see us again. When things blow up at a refinery it can get bad quick. No one knew how bad it would get, so in that moment he wondered it he would ever see us again. How scary is that? I can't hardly imagine. It makes me cry just thinking about it. When he finally made it to the evacuation site he said he had a panic attack because he didn't see a friend of him that works there. Our families are fairly close, I watch their kids and I'm friends with his friends wife. He started to freak out because he had looked over at his friend moments before they started running, but when he started to run he didn't check to see if his friend was okay. He started to feel overwhelmed with guilt. And I could tell {even though we know now that his friend is okay} he still feels guilty about that. I tried to help him realize that what he did was normal and he shouldn't be so hard on himself. I think most of us in a moment like that would have a hard time thinking rationally and would just run. Unless it was our kids, I know with out a doubt he would do everything in his power to save his kids. I don't need saving so I'm not worried about that... ;) Although I know he would give his life up for me as well. After he shared with me I understood why he had a panic attack {I think I would have had several} and it helped me to have more compassion. I wish he would have felt like he could have told me about it right away, even if we had to hid away in the bathroom or something to talk about it... I told him this and I hope he can remember in the future that keeping me in the dark makes things worse not better. I want to share the burdens of life with him, never do I want to leave him struggling on his own. I'd rather carry the whole stinking thing in order to give him a break! But that's not healthy either. We share. The good times and the bad times. He told me that he doesn't want to work in refineries any more. That it's not worth it. And it's not. But there hasn't been any other union carpentry work in over three years now. So if in fact he walks away from refinery work after this job is done, it means big changes for us in the future. Possibly the loss of our home among other things. I find my husbands life and happiness much more valuable then things but it is scary not knowing. It would be sad to lose our home, but it would be devastating to lose my husband, for my children to lose their father. I would live under a bridge with my husband if it came to it, but I know we are more resourceful then that. My husband is a hard worker and he will figure out a way to take care of his family, even if it's not what we were expecting. We have been pretty shook up over here, but I've come to realize over the years that good things can happen even when your world seems to be turning up side down. :) I have a feeling that 2012 might be a very interesting year indeed. I'm going to try and focus on one day at a time. If nothing else this situation has reminded me how important it is to show love each and every day... because as we all know every day could be your last. Live well.

~Love story~

A emotionally wounded fifteen year old girl with a bruised and battered heart met a neglected and hurting sixteen year old boy one fine summer night and fell madly and deeply and hopelessly in love. Together they stitched there broken hearts as one, strong and healthy, more then enough for both of them.

I use to lay in bed at night when I was a young girl, crying and begging God to help me. Make the pain and hurt go away. Save me, hold me in His hands. I would picture big hands cradling me, safely away from harm. And I would cry until my eyes were swollen shut, singing softly "He holds the whole world in his hand..." until I fell asleep.

As I grew older I became angry. I wasn't being saved. I didn't see God any where. I spent many years being angry. I fell in love with my husband at that time, and slowly began to heal... very slowly. We almost didn't make it, because my hurt was so much. As was his. But we figured out how to make two broken people into one strong marriage over time. And we didn't do it on our own.

A while back I was driving in the van alone and I was thinking back to that broken scared little girl who use to pray fervently at night. I teared up as I thought about how absolutely alone I felt. How scary that feels. How angry I was that no one was saving me, not even God {it seemed at the time} cared. As I was thinking this I started to feel a peace like no other as I came to the strong realization that He did answer my prayers. Not right when I was praying them. But He did answer my prayers. He gave me something even better then I was praying for. He gave me someone to love and treasure right here on earth, someone who loves and treasures me right back. Someone who holds me wrapped up in his arms in my darkest moments. Someone who loves all of me and understands when the hurt and brokenness comes back from time to time. He gave me someone to help heal my broken heart, the perfect person for me with out a doubt. He doesn't always answer prayers in obvious ways, or right at that moment. But He can give us the strength to carry on despite it all. And He can bless us and help us heal in ways we can't even imagine at the time. That's what He did for me. He had me in his hands when I was a scared little girl, He still held me in His hands when I wanted nothing to do with Him, and He holds me now. Every time I see my husband I can be reminded of His love for me. Every time I look at our tangible love that we created together, our four beautiful children, I can feel peace and healing and a joy that knows no end. He answers prayers, in His way. For me He gave me the love of my life, and the strength to make it through those hard times so that I could watch love multiply.

That is a love story.

Almost have to pinch myself...

Happy Birthday to my handsome bird fanatic!For five years you have brightened our lives...

You've shared your silly sense of humor with us...

You've taught us how to love all things with wings...

We are in awe of your resilience...

You've taught us what it means to pull together as a family...

We love you more then words could express...

Our Amazing Atticus!!!

I can hardly believe you are five, I almost have to pinch myself! I can't wait to see what this next year in your life brings, and I pray for health and happiness for you! May you continue to teach us as only you can, and share your love with us. Make us laugh, and let us see that fantastic grin every day of the year!!!

We love you to the moon and back, quack, quack!

The distance makes it a little less scary...

And once again January 16th has rolled around as it will every year and I am overcome with the emotions of that day, and the days that followed... because two years ago today Atty had his first seizure... But this time around, although I have shed a few tears rereading my posts and remembering, I also feel so thankful! And relieved. And at peace with were we are. I can hardly believe we are two years in already though. In May of this year he will be on his diet for the full two years and ready to wean off! What a hill is seemed at the time {his diet}, a mountain really. Steep and slippery it appeared and I feared failure, it felt like a heavy burden on my shoulders ready to drag me down as I tried to climb. I was scared to even take the first step. But I did, we did, and we are now headed down the other side with the breeze in our hair, taking in the view!!! Wow what a ride! I am so very proud of my son and how far he has come. Even though this day, every year, will be emotional for me... It's just not so scary any more. :)

These are some of my favorite things...

So I asked the kids about their favorite things and got some interesting and amusing answers. I would love to try and remember to ask them these questions every year to watch the changes... but knowing me I'll probably forget. :( I will record these ones with the tentative hope that I will remember to do it again...

Bubu, 6yrs-

• Color- light blue



• Shape- heart



• Emotion- happy



• Friend- Charleigh M.



• Animal- zebra



• Comfort food- peanut butter and jelly sandwiches



• Vegetable- Broccoli



• Fruit- Watermelon {of course!}



• Thing to do- play with dinosaurs
  


• Book- Dr. Seuss books



• Subject in school- history



• Holiday- St. Patty's day



• Treat- marshmallows {the big ones}



• Season- summer



• Exercise- lifting weights



• Movie- Cat in the Hat, series not movie...



• Day of the week- Tuesday



• Month- December



• Song- We Wish You a Merry Christmas



• Toy- dinosaurs



• Stuffed animal- big froggy
  

Atty, 4 yrs (5 in three weeks!}-

• Color- blue



• Shape- heart



• Emotion- silly {haha!}



• Friend- brother Evan {so sweet!!!}



• Animal- Birds



• Comfort food- Muffins {home made, almond flour}



• Vegetable- green peas



• Fruit- orange



• Thing to do- play with birds



• Book- bird books



• Subject in school- learning colors



• Holiday- 4th of July



• Treat- heart treats {home made freezer candies}



• Season- Spring



• Exercises- Jumping on the trampoline



• Movie- Nemo



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- December



• Song- Jingle Bells



• Toy- A spinning thing



• Stuffed animal- parrot
  

Spike, 4 yrs-

• Color- Black



• Shape- Star



• Emotion- Scared {really?}



• Friend- cousin Hunter



• Animal- bear



• Comfort food- hot dogs {haha!}



• Vegetable- carrots



• Fruit- blackberries



• Thing to do- play hide and seek outside



• Book- There's No Place Like Space by Tish Rade {He went and got the book so I would know exactly what he was talking about...}



• Subject in school- reading {he started this week!}



• Holiday- Easter



• Treat- ice cream {of course!}



• Season- Summer



• Exercise- riding bike



• Movie- Rescue Heroes



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- April



• Song- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, once I caught a fish alive, etc... {I don't know the name of that song.}



• Toy- little white sports car



• Stuffed animal- gray elephant
  

Lala, 2 yrs {she did surprisingly well answering these, I gave her some options for some of the questions, but for the most part she answered on her own with no help...}-

• Color- red



• Shape- square



• Emotion- sad {she does fake sad a lot, haha!}



• Friend- Asher B.



• Animal- pig



• Comfort food- crackers {so true, this girl loves her graham crackers, haha!}



• Vegetable- green peas



• Fruit- watermelon



• Thing to do- play with kitchen set {I was surprised when she answered this on her own with no ideas from me!}



• Book- Ladybug Girl {a new favorite of hers...}



• Subject in school- learning colors {She's not really in school exactly, but she learns right along with her brothers.}



• Holiday- Valentines day



• Treat- marshmallows



• Season- Winter



• Exercise- dancing



• Movie- Nemo



• Day of the week- Sunday



• Month- March



• Song- Jingle Bells, with a yeehaw and the end... :)



• Toy- doll house



• Stuffed animal- dog