Sunday, January 17, 2010

Scarier than...

Yesterday was the scariest moment in time I've every had since becoming a parent.


Scarier than the unexpected C-section I had with Bubu.


Scarier than the time I rushed Bubu to the doctor sure he was deathly ill just to find out he had a slight case of croup.


Scarier than the various times I have had to call poison control for one reason or another.


Scarier than the time I accidentally locked Bubu in the van with my keys (that one is quite a story).


Scarier than the time I rushed Atty to the ER after he had a horrible reaction to his 2 month vaccines.


Scarier than after Spike was born at didn't appear to be breathing at first. Because at least that time there was some part of me that just knew he would even though I was terrified.


Scarier than all the times Atty has climbed up somewhere way higher then he should be.


Scarier than all the times Atty has played his disappearing acts.


Scarier than the times Atty has escaped from the house (we have alarms on our doors now).


Scarier than the time I thought maybe Atty had a concussion (he didn't).


Scarier than the time that I was told Atty managed to escape the church nursery during service and was on his way out the doors toward the road following someone like he was their kid.


Scarier than the times Atty has tried to climb the fence and the times he has succeeded.


Scarier than the time Atty ran head long in to the ocean trying to catch birds.


Scarier than all the other various incidence my children (mostly Atty) have put me through, and there are many many more.


I was think all this while I sat in the ER fighting tears and losing.


Yesterday as I did the dishes in the kitchen Atty was talking to me on the other side of the baby gate. I was listening with one ear and thinking about other stuff at the same time. All the sudden I hear a big thump and whipped around to look at where the sound came from. Atty was on all fours his head against the cabinet and his whole body was convulsing. I think I screamed out loud or maybe just in my head as I grabbed him up realizing too late that I should have laid him to the side where he was at in case something was broken. I couldn't think straight. His head and body were convulsing, his eyes rolling and he was breathing in short burst. I was shouting his name and started toward the couch trying to see if he was going to snap out of what ever was happening. Then I realized that I needed to call 911 and I rushed to the phone with him in my arms. As I called 911 my mind raced and all the sudden I feared that some how he had broken his neck and I felt sick. I tried to think as the operator asked me questions but I could hardly tell her my address and I could feel myself starting to lose it. Then Atty exhaled and did a couple big jerks and seemed to stop breathing and I lost it. I started screaming his name and crying and begging him to stay with me and I could vaguely hear the lady assuring me that help was on the way and that she was going to stay with me. For a split second which seemed like forever I thought I lost my boy. I felt it. The fear. The hopelessness. The disbelief. My sanity skipping away. Then at the same time I saw my other boys staring at us and Atty started to move and breath again and I took a big breath of air myself and forced the fear down again. Atty was dazed and still doing some slower jerky movements and not talking or making eye contact and the paramedics got there right then. They were amazingly fast and wonderful. So reassuring. They looked him over and asked me questions and it dawned on me right then that Atty's birth mother has a seizure disorder. So I told them that and they said they felt that was what he had and they wanted him to go to the hospital. I was shaking so bad at this time but the rest of me was under control. Just scattered. My husband was working and since his truck broke last week he was using the van and had all the car seats. They took us all to the ER, they were so kind and understanding and helpful and I was/am super grateful for them. I had to pack a bag and call my husband to leave a message before we left and I'm still not sure how I did it as I felt that there was no way I could focus but I did. We loaded up and started to move very carefully to the hospital. Atty snapped as we started to move and then proceeded to throw a tantrum and freak out all the way there because he was disoriented and I think scared. I couldn't hold him and he didn't like being held by someone else. At least they didn't insist that he be secured to the gurney thing like they were going to do at first. That would have really terrified him. They just happened to have a car seat for Strawberry and the other boys sat so still all the way there and listened so well. I was really proud of them. They took it all in stride and didn't freak out once. They are amazing. I prayed all the way there. For strength. For my son. For help. We were at the ER for a long time, Atty seemed fine by the time we got in the room, just a little out of it. I finally got a hold of my husband and he came and took the other two boys out to the lobby. I told the doctor about Atty's birth parents history and he wanted Atty to have a cat scan. Thankfully Atty fell asleep before the scan and slept through the whole thing so that they didn't have to sedate him and we avoided that trauma at least. They also took his blood, he was so brave, but it hurt and they had a hard time getting his vein. It was hard to see him having to go through that on top of everything else but I just kept telling him how proud of him I was and how brave he was while I helped with pinning him to the bed as they worked. When the doctor came back he told me what I feared, have been fearing for some time. It looks like Atty has NF1 (neurofibromatosis), which is something his birth mother has. Tumors grow on your nerve ending and it's painful and people who have it can also get seizures among other things. I knew this was always a possibility, and I saw as the faint spots were showing up on his skin, but I was hoping beyond hope that this wouldn't happen. So now we are going to be scheduling a visit with his regular doctor and possibly going in for an MRI in the near future. There is no way to tell if or when he will have another seizure. The doctor said the seizure medication can cause some retardation, he wasn't really specific, but he said that unless it was absolutely necessary we should try to avoid it. Especially because of what Atty already has as possibility because of his genetics.


I am still in shock. Mostly because the situation was terrifying since I didn't know that he was having a seizure at the time, and was fearing that it was much worse. Now that I am more aware I know that I won't respond the same way next time. I know what to do now. I am still afraid for my child though. Afraid for his future. I don't want him to be in pain and I am hoping that the seizures won't control his life. I feel on edge wondering when the next time will be. I feel fairly certain there will be a next time unfortunately. I have been through so much with him already in his sort almost three years, I am exhausted thinking about the years to come. On top of all the health concerns is the simple fact that he is a handful and then some. Very active, very impulsive. I can't help but think, what if he has a seizure while climbing up high somewhere, or swimming when he's older, or what if he falls wrong or falls into something sharp. I need to stop and take one day at a time, but I am going in circles right now. He seems fine, I am the one left traumatized.


mommytoalot said...

Oh my!! How scary. I can't even imagine...
I never realized seizure meds can cause more brain damage. Our doctor always told us they are better than the seizures ...that the seizures could actually cause brain damage. I hope you get some answers.
in my prayers

Brittany said...

I just stopped what i was doing and prayed. I prayed for strength for you, and healing for your little man. May God hold you both in his hands! :) You are such a good mama, and those boys and girl sure are lucky! Its moments like that, when you realize you can't take one single moment for granted!

Tons of prayers and hugs sent your way!

Melody said...

Oh my gosh Miriah, my heart just dropped out of my chest when I read this. How terrifying. I am so happy Atty is OK. Wondering about all the future "what ifs" can drive a person crazy... but I believe God will take care of your family. I'll definitely be praying! *hugs*

Rebecca said...

holy cow.

by the end of this post I was crying. I started to shake just imagining what that would have felt like. Seeing your child that way. I am SO sorry that happened and that it wasn't just some fluke but will be something you have to deal with.

SO sorry.

The only thing I can say is this: there is enough trouble in today---don't waste a moment (or try not) on the what-if's. They may NEVER happen and think of all the stress you will have given yourself.

I am a VERY good worrier and it never does ANY good. The bad things happen when you let your guard down and the fears steal from you those moments that ought to be good.

So glad Atty is okay and SO glad you were able to find out what was wrong...imagine not knowing if there WAS a reason!

Kat said...

OH that is just so scary, you had me crying. I am so sorry. I am glad to hear he is doing well now. As far as the future, that is all in God's hands. I pray for your peace of mind and for Atty's health.

Lisa said...

oh no! I just read this! I am soo sorry!! I wish I could hug you, dear friend! I will add Atty to my prayers. He is a Child of the King, and he will be okay! He has one strong mama, that's for sure. Hugs from Maine!!

A Musing Mom (Taylorclan6) said...

That is the most terrifying thing I've read. Hang in there.

MyLitter said...

Oh my gosh, this was the scariest thing I have read. I am so sorry that you had to go through that.