Thursday, July 14, 2011

Good Grief...

Banden spent some time tonight examining my face, he had all kinds of comments and questions. One of his comments was "mom you have a really big nose, but I like that, I like that about you". Ha ha ha... oh my. Great self esteem booster.

Speaking of self esteem I am struggling with my weight right now. One minute I feel really down about it and the next I just don't want to care about it. I'm a healthy person and that's really what matters the most. But. But. But. Sigh. With all the stress and the focus on Atty's health issues and his MAS diet, with Leiella almost done nursing and my cycle coming back {not that you needed to know that, but OMGoodness do I crave sweet food like crazy once a month, it's ridiculous!}, with four children and a daycare to run, with a house that turns messy in the blink of an eye, I just don't have the time or the energy for me. I really don't. I want to but I just don't. I mostly just need to make time to really workout, but making that time ends up on the end of a really long consistent to do list. A lot of the stuff on that list can not be changed or ignored so me myself and I end up on the waiting list. That's just were I am in my life right now. I know that there will be a time when I will have moments where I can do things like work out or really take a break for me, but now is just not the time. I frustrate myself with feeling down about my weight. Because I don't want to fall victim of the "must be the perfect mom, women, daughter, wife" thing. There are so many pressures piled against us that I don't want to be my own worst enemy and I hate seeing other women that are obviously buying into it and stressing themselves out over it. My husband truly doesn't care, and I really shouldn't be so vain. Who am I trying to impress? But as much as I say all these things in my head I find myself dwelling on it on and off all day long, and now I find myself writing about it, so obviously it's bothering me a great deal. I've been trying to change the way I eat, and also my portion sizes because now that Leiella is hardly nursing I don't need as many calories as before. I've been pregnant or breast feeding for the last 6 years so I really have to change my eating habits. Get back to normal portion sizes. And I have to get a handle on this cyclic eating I've been doing, good grief. My first cycle I gained about 15 pounds, I kid you not! That's in one month people, yikes! It's not that bad any more but that was a nasty wake up call. Anyway I don't really need to go on and on about it, I just needed to get this out. It helps me to write things down some times and then I tend to stop dwelling so much.

On a happier note I was also told tonight by my cute little boys that I am beautiful, that they love my hair and freckles and that I have nice eyes. Sigh. They are sweet just like there daddy. Apparently this girl needs a lot of nice comments... and they have no problem handing them out. :)

3 comments:

Kat said...

Oh man, do I hear ya. Loosing the weight after Grace was just SO HARD. And now that I am where I wanted to be it just doesn't look the same as when I used to be this weight prekids. Ahh well. What ya gonna do?
Hang in there. Be patient with yourself. The weight will come off. You are beautiful! And your whole family and friends and all who know you see your beauty. :)

MamaJRA said...

This isn't going to have as much 'weight' (pun intended) as comments from your boys, but I KNOW you're beautiful and have often been sort of covetous of your figure. I remind myself that you're young and you're supposed to look as vibrant as you do :) One question, how is it that your kids just sort of stop nursing? Mine is in the depths of despair because I cut him off 2 days ago and haven't let him nurse since then and he is SO sad and confused about it. And he's 3 1/2!!! I feel like a wretch even though I know it is time. He said to me in a 'trying not to cry' voice, "But you'll let me have cocoa LATER, right mum? Just not NOW?" I said, "No, we're done with cocoa now. Remember?" and he just went away sad. Makes me almost cry just writing it. What should I do?

Riahli said...

It's soooo hard isn't it! I think it's going to be hardest with Leiella because she's so verbal {which means she can plead her case pretty well, ha ha!} and because she's my last. With the boys honestly I just became prego again and I couldn't tolerate the nursing.It hurt! Banden quit I think because he no longer liked the taste after I was pregnant and because I was such a grump about it. I was sad about the way it ended with him for a long time. I switch all the boys over to a bottle because they were still under two and then just took the bottle away when they turned two which seemed easier to me. For me I had always thought I would nurse them until they were two and felt sort of bad that I didn't do that with the boys, but in some ways I think it might have been easier to wean them that way. Ira was the hardest of the boys, I think he would still nurse if I let him and he still talks about it! I think in the end Lala is going to be my hardest though... she's down to sometimes in the morning {when I give in, early in the morning and I just want to sleep...} and then before sleeping at nap and night. I know that I need to slowly work my way down because she will be two in Oct. and I would like to have her weaned by then. We will see, maybe she will end up being my longer nurser... but then I might feel guilty that the boys didn't get to do that too. I'm good at making myself feel guilty. All said it might just be that I am a lot more cold hearted and mean then you are... ;)