Mushy brain

I think posting while pregnant might be dangerous.

My brain is mush, and I can't get a single thing to formulate in their that makes any sense right now. I try, but it makes me tired and then I just start daydreaming about taking a nap.

It starts out well and then it's all...bla, bla, bla, I feel sick, bla, bla, bla, I'm exhausted, bla, bla, bla...and who wants to hear that over and over again.

So if you hear little from me, know that my pregnant brain has gone mushy and may or may not be back soon.

Woo Hoo!

Guess what I got this last Friday?

I got a letter stating that our Home Study has been completed! Finally. So now we are entering the final stretch of this very long adventure. The adoption should be finalized soon. We have to get an attorney, and set a court date, and come up with some (lots) of money we don't have, but it will all be worth it as soon as we can put this part behind us and move on into our lives.

When I opened the letter I was half expecting to read something frustrating, something about some other form they needed or something that we needed to redo, so when I read that the Home Study was complete I shouting in joy and starting reading it out loud to my hubby and then I said "Woo Hoo", and Atty copied me! It was super funny. He was all excited too, we all were, we jumped around the house and cheered, the kids were really cute. Of course they didn't really know what's was going on, they just knew whatever it was called for a celebration.

It sure did.

Nemo touched the Butt...

Just in case any of you needed a good giggle I thought I would post for the second time today to let you know this.

I was watching Nemo with the boys this morning and I cried, twice. Good Lord have mercy!

selective memory

I do not remember being this big already with my other two pregnancies. I am not sure if this is due to selective memory, or not, but I seriously don't think I was this big before. I already don't want to wear my jeans, and if I do I have to unbutton the top when I am sitting down. I have pulled out every big sweater/sweatshirt I own in a desperate attempt to hide the roll. It's not like I am eating a lot, I don't have to, I will still gain plenty! I hate this part were you don't look pregnant, you just look like your packing on the pounds. I keep telling myself that since this is the last time I will be pregnant that I should be enjoying every second of it, but I am so not! To top it off my husband thinks it's really funny to joke about having twins, if he says it one more time I might have to pinch him, hard...

unbitchy

So I have been trying to stay away from the keyboard while bitchy, and it's been quite a challenge. I go from 0 to bitch in the blink of an eye right now and it's a tad bit scary. Today, at least for this present moment the fog has cleared and so instead of complaining about everything under the sun, I decided to post pictures of our fun outing to the beach yesterday.

*

I have been getting extremely sick and Sunday night was the worst thus far. I was miserable and Ryder had somewhere he needed to be so I was alone with the boys for a couple hours and could barely cope. I was dry heaving into a bucket, sitting on the couch, crying, and Bubu started laughing at me. Which just made me cry harder. Apparently I must have been making some very funny faces while dry heaving. I have no doubt. Then the babies were trying to take my bucket and stick their hands in it and climb all over me. I was just miserable and feeling childish and desperately wanted Ryder to come home. He brought some ginger ale home for me and that helped. He can be such a sweet heart. Don't tell him I said that though, it would ruin my reputation.

*

I do better in the morning, by mid day though and on into the night I am dragging, the couch is calling my name and waves of nausea wash over me non-stop. If I get outside I do a lot better, so that is why we went to the beach. We went to the beach on Valentines day too and it was such a nice day. I forgot my camera though, which just drives me crazy. Atty decided to run into the water after a seagull, wild child. No amount of screaming could get him to stop, he wanted that bird so bad! I can't say that it was a very romantic day, but being as I am a grumpy pregnant women and we have three young boys, the chances of us having a romantic day is highly unlikely in even the best of circumstances.

*

Phew, I made it through the whole post fairly unbitchy, yeah me. Now I need to go get motivated, cause I only have a few hours before my body will be so heavy I will be forced to lay in the horizontal position.

Sleep and cry...

OMGoodness, tell me anything remotely sappy and I will cry peoples...I swear I will!

I'm afraid I will be sobbing in public next, in the arms of a stranger. Which has happened twice now to a pregnant friend of mine, so it very well could happen to me. Yikes!

My kids are starting to look at me funny. My husband is scared. Even the dog is hiding. 6 more weeks to go before I will hopefully be able to get myself partial under control. I really should just hide during the first trimester and do everyone a favor, including myself. Then maybe I could sleep more. Cause that's all I want to do, sleep and cry.

My baby is an alien

Okay peoples...my hormones are all over the map, I am tired, sick, grumpy, emotional (as in insane!) seriously irritable, it's not pretty. I can cry if you look at me wrong, I am super sensitive about everything. Me + pregnancy = not pretty

Then to top it off, my youngest has Lost His Mind! I don't know if he is teething or an alien has invaded his body, but the kid...he's crazy! He is screaming "No Mommy" at me, at the top of his lungs, over and over again. Crying about everything, and struggling over the littlest things. There is no reasoning with him, or even talking in general when he is in The Zone. Obstinate as all get up, I can hardly handle it any longer. He is being mean and bossy to everyone. He is hitting. He glares at people. I don't know what happened but something has apparently gone seriously wrong with my littlest, and I am so frustrated with it. What did I do? Were did I go wrong? Or is he just evil, cause I am starting to think maybe he is just evil...

I'll have a slice of diaper cake, minus the frosting...

I made a Diaper Cake! *front view*

*top view*

*back view*

So I am throwing a baby shower for my bestest friend and I made a super cool diaper cake for her. It's her present from me and it also doubles as a center piece. I had to show you guys, cause I can't show her for two more weeks and I am dying to show somebody! It was actually a lot of fun to make and I found tutorials on YouTube that were easy to follow. Although I am not very good at really following the directions, so I just got lots of good idea, and then sort of did my own thing. Like in the center I decided instead of building it around baby bottles to build it instead around two bottles of bath products for the mom and a bath pillow. So at some point she can hopefully take a nice long relaxing bath. The problem with this though was that I ended up having to add more diapers to go around the bottles which were bigger then baby bottles. In the end it worked out though. I'm really happy with the way it turned out, being as it's my first one. Now I am excited about making another one for my brother's girlfriend for her baby shower. There are clothes for the baby wrapped up in place of some of the diapers in the bottom layer and I rolled an outfit up and place it on the very top of the cake as the last layer. I added a baby rattle on the side. Then I rolled up baby wash clothes to look like candles, sort of, and baby socks and baby mittens to look like flowers, sort of. I say sort of because I wasn't completely satisfied with the way they looked in the end, but I stopped messing with them, because I really am to much of a perfectionist. I added a flower to the very top, just for fun. Tying the ribbon took quite a while and I didn't measure or anything so I almost messed up when I ran out of the big ribbon for the top layer. I had a short scrap piece left, and the last little bit of ribbon so I just used the two pieces, and two diaper pins. It would have been cuter if the top had looked like the other two layers but oh well. It's not super cheap to do, but it was about how much I would have spent on her gift anyways, and instead of putting it all in a gift bag, I turned it into a diaper cake. Plus if you are a deal shopper like I am, you can cut down on the price. I had been collecting stuff for her, for this diaper cake for a few months.

Anyways like I said it was a lot of fun to do, it didn't take to awful long, and I think they make a cute baby shower gift. I saw one at a different friends baby shower and knew I needed to try and make one. I sure hope she likes it!

Two years to the date...

Today's the day. Today is the day you came into our lives.

I felt like pasting the very first journal entry I did, soon after Atty was placed with us. It speaks so well to how I was feeling at that time, how overwhelming the whole thing was, and how loved he was from the moment I heard of his birth, before I even saw him, I knew that if he couldn't be with his parents, then his home was with us.

I changed a few things for privacy reasons.


February: Atty came to our house on February 9th when he was only a week old! He was a tiny little peanut. It was a surreal experience, two social workers came, they looked like they were my age or younger and they brought Atty with them. They stay for less then an hour, gave me a packet of paperwork, a little bag with a few belongings in it, checked the house, and left. We had less then a week to prepare for this, so there I stand with a tiny little baby in my arms, pregnant, and even with all the kids in the house making noise, everything for a moment seemed silent. So overwhelming. I just looked down at him, snuggled in my arms, and for a moment I panicked. Had I done the right thing, would I be able to handle it? But I knew I had because I couldn't imagine leaving him in foster care and possibly never getting to know my own nephew. I can handle anything I put my mind too, and that is what I will do. I know it’s going to be hard, the whole situation is difficult for everyone, but I want what is best for Atty. So innocent, so unaware. So deserving of love and happiness. I felt such a mixture of emotions staring at him after the case workers left. Little tiny fingers and toes, red fuzz for hair, little scrunched up face, just a peanut. Only weighed about 7lbs and seemed so tiny in comparison to how big Bubu was at the same age. I felt like I was in a daze. I stayed up late into the night just gazing at him, my brain swirling. We have settled in to a routine of some sort. Bubu is doing fairly well with the whole situation so far. I wonder how long he will be here and if (biological parents) will be able to get him back or not. They were pretty far out there when the state took custody of Atty, so we will have to wait and see. I am afraid for what Atty’s life will be like if they do get him back, because of their mental illnesses, but at the same time I know they love him and a little bit of me hurts for them. A lot of me is angry at them though, because they had been told that it was not a good idea for them to have a child because of their mental illnesses and that there was a good chance that the state would take there baby away, and they had one any ways. Now poor Atty has to grow up and face the choices his parents made, good or bad, and I don’t want him to suffer because of them. Also there choice made life more complicated for everyone involved, and I’m involved because I was the only family member the state was willing to place him with, so I had to step up or face possibly never knowing him and having him be lost in the system and maybe even adopted out. That would eat me up inside. I need to know I did everything I could to provide a safe and loving environment for this precious little baby. So that even if he can’t go back to his parents, he will still know his family and know that we cared about him very much and wanted him to stay with us where we could raise him and keep him as connected to his family as possible. So he knows where he came from and does not ever have to wonder about his roots. I just hope that if they do get him back it is sooner rather then later. It would be a lot harder if he was a year old verses a couple of months. The longer he is here I know the more we will become attached and connected and it will be so much more emotional to say good bye.

Just re-reading this brings tears to my eyes. It's been so hard not knowing if he is staying or going. For the whole first year we got no answers. Nothing is finalized still, that first September we started the adoption process, only on the hope that we will be able to adopt him. We have been told recently that there shouldn't be any reason why we can't, but the whole process is still slowly working it's way through the system. When he was little I would look at him and want to love him whole heartedly, yet I would feel like I needed to guard myself against possible heart break. As the months went by though it wasn't a choice, he had my heart, my whole heart. So the fear started, the fear that he would be removed from our home, that we wouldn't be able to adopt him, and that I wouldn't recover from that loss. My heart still lurches at the thought. I so desperately want this adoption to be finalized so I don't have this thought in my head anymore that I could be looking at him helplessly, while he is being taken away from me screaming, in the arms of an unknown caseworker. The other day a cop pulled someone over in front of my house, all I saw was the lights flashing and I immediately thought for a split second, oh no they have come to take him away and there is nothing I can do about it. Completely irrational, I know, but I live in fear right now. The older he gets the more desperately I want this thing finalized. I just want that piece of paper in my hand that gives me the right to say, "yes I am his mother, and you can't take him away from me." We have cared for his every need for two full years now, and you can't just come and take him away.

There is no way to end this post without sounding like a paranoid freak, but I think any mother faced with even the slimmest possibility of losing their child would feel as I do. I just want the security to say that my child is indeed my child. He was placed in my heart on February 9th 2007, and he has been growing in there ever since, it's time for things to be finalized people, it's time for him to essentially be "born"! It's time for me to be able to look into the face of my child and know that I kept my promises to him, the ones I made on that first night two years ago. The promise that I would always do what was best for him. No matter what. The promise that he was home if that is what he needed, and that he was loved, always loved. The promise that I would do everything I could to make sure he was safe and secure.

My heart sings...

This makes my heart sing. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. I have successfully passed on my love of books to my boys. Happy days. To see them all snuggled together, listening to their big brother "read" to them brings the biggest smile to my face. It is all around adorable! The stuff that Bubu comes up with when "reading" to them, priceless.

I just LOVE these guys!

brain drain

So yesterday, not so good.

First I was in a hard place emotionally because of some things I shared in my last post, but other then writing about it, I keep it to myself. So I was trying to be up beat, and not fully feeling it.

Then I knew that Tanks biological parents were calling sometime on his birthday, but I didn't know when, and that always makes me feel on edge.

I was feeling tired and a bit sick.

When I went to lay the boys down for nap, I had to move the ladder to the bunk bed because I had to go back out of the room and I was afraid that Atty would try to climb it before I got back in. So I started to shove it to the side, it's really heavy, and it caught on the fan cord that was plugged in and some how ripped the cord off the fan, and sparks started flying every where! I screamed and started say what I apparently say now in all freakesh situations "Sh%#", over and over again, as I lunged for the cord to pull in out of the outlet. So absolutely frightening!! So that being done, I finished getting the kids tucked in out in the living room and went back in to the bedroom were the babies were now screaming. I grabbed Tank and went to step into his bed, and slammed my baby toe on the wood frame. Ouch. My baby toes serve no other purpose except serving themselves up for extreme torture. I slam those suckers into everything. I think they've been broken and sprained numerous times. They hurt all the time, because they never have a chance to heal before I am slamming them into something else. It's like I have a vengeance against my own ugly toes. So needless to say, I was not a happy camper!

Then when I went to use the bathroom after the boys feel asleep, the bathroom lights didn't work. So I called Ryder, and he said he would take a look. When he came home, he discovered that our bedroom didn't have any power at all! So some how I blew up the power in those two rooms with the whole sparking fan episode! He starts saying we are going to have to get an electrician, and they might have to rerun wires, yada, yada, bla, bla...urggg! So he gets into a real funk. Starts snapping at me. Which just kills me, I totally can't handle that right now.

Then Tanks call came from his biological parents, which is always hard for me to handle gracefully. I do manage through, but it's not easy. This whole situation has torn our family apart in a lot of ways. It's really hard to deal with people who have serious mental health issues, I get really irritated by the ridiculous things they say. I know it is hard for his biological mom to realize that I am Atty's mom, but when she says "it's your mommy, it's your mommy..." over and over again to him on the phone, and I see the confusion as he looks at me, it really pisses me off! I can't help it. She has been told that we are calling her mommy M____, and that she is welcome to say that, but we don't want her just calling her self mommy, because it is confusing for him, but she doesn't listen. Or understand. Or care. I don't know. Then Atty starts saying Mom, really excited, as he looks at me, because he knows that word. So it just eggs her on because she thinks he's referring to her. I know if we were both in the same room he would come running to me, which I know sounds mean, but it's true, because he doesn't know her or think of her as his mom. I don't know how to explain how this makes me feel with out sounding mean.
I put them on speaker phone so I can hear what is going on, and grab the phone if it gets to weird. They have said things before like, as soon as you get old enough you can run away and come live with us again. Or, hope your aunt isn't to mean to you. Lots of things that are negative, things that will be hard for him to hear as he gets older. His biological father get nervous or something and doesn't know what to say to Atty so he starts blurting things like, "don't bite anyones hair" or "I guess I'm your brother now, hi brother" just random, weird things. They still call me aunt to him, refusing to acknowledge that I am his mother. Even though they know we are adopting him. His mom didn't want us to be able to adopt him, she tried to get him removed and placed with strangers. In her head this would insure that he would come looking for her in the end. She use to tell Atty that we stole him, and accuse me of that in letters. I took Atty in for them and for him, so he would stay with family. It's hard to know that they will never appreciate this, or understand why he is with us instead of them. Instead I get anger and resentment, accusations and lies. There are so many things I have had to deal with from them in the last couple years, it just goes on and on. I never know what other drama there will be every time we correspond. That's why is stresses me out when I know they are going to call.

So after all this my sister calls and tells me she is going to be a little bit late bringing the van back because she had to work later then usual. Totally wouldn't be a big deal except I needed to run a casserole over to a friend that just had a baby and I had to stop at the store on the way, and then rush home to have dinner with the family, and cake and presents for Tank before bedtime. So it threw my schedule off, which drives me crazy. So I very (im)patiently waited for her to get home. While I was waiting Ryder snapped at me again and I said something about it, and he could see I was on the brink, so he gave me a hug, which helped. Except that when I was leaving, I had my hands full, so he opened the door for me and bent down to grab the dog, and I smashed him in the head with the glass casserole dish. Which I could tell was the last straw for him, he wasn't having the best day either.

So I barely made it to the van before the pregnancy hormones kicked my ass and I started sobbing uncontrollably, as I drove, never a good combination. Such an overwhelming day. I made it to the store, where I stood staring at the prepackaged salad like an idiot, because they didn't have any organic salads. The family I was brings the food to eat mainly only organic, so I just stood there, brain dead, not knowing what my next move should be. Eyes red and swollen, just staring at the salad case, picking up one after the other, and setting them back down again. I'm afraid I might have stood there for about ten minutes, I am not quite sure. I finally picked one that was on sale for 99 cents and then grabbed some garlic bread and went to pay. I was so out of it that when I was charged over six dollars it didn't even register that something wasn't right. Until I got out to the van. I just couldn't handle it, and I seriously started crying again. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I struggled to get myself under control and went back into the store, even though I was running way behind, got my 2.50 and ran back to the van. At least getting some money back made me feel better.

Anyways, I dropped the food off, visited with a smile on my face for a few minute, and then rushed back home were much to my relief my amazing husband had been able to fix the electrical problem....whoooohooooo! We had a nice night together after all, and everything went back to normal, whatever that is.

Now that I have ranted and raved on here, I feel much better. It's such a brain drain. Now if I can make it through this day without to many emotional melt downs I will be doing good. Me and pregnancy hormones, we don't get along well, and that is the understatement of the year!

Happy Birthday to Atty!

February 3rd 2007, I can hardly believe that two years has flown by this fast! So much has happened in his little life! In the first six days of life he left his birth parents in the hospital, spent a few days in a foster home, and then came to stay with us February 9th 2007.
~
His birthday has mixed feelings for me, of course I am excited to celebrate another year with him and watch him grow. A little part of me is sad though. I am sad that I wasn't there when he was born, I don't share that first moment with him. I have no first born pictures, in fact I only have one picture of him on the day he was place with us, when he was six days old, and then no more pictures until he is almost two weeks old. I'm not sure why, I think everything was just to overwhelming. I worry that he will notice this when he is older.
~
We didn't know when he was first placed with us that we would be adopting him. We were a temporary placement for him, while his parents tried to get him back, but they soon proved unable to care for him. So for me his birthday is bitter sweet. It's tinged with sadness for his birth parents that love him, but are unable to care for him. They will be calling today, and the sadness in there voices, no matter how hard I try not to hear it, is always there. I wish for them that things had been different, while I am thankful for us that things are the way they are. I wonder if his birthdays will always bring these mixed emotions for me.

When all is said and done though, he is my baby, he grew in my heart. I am his mother. I may not have been there when he was born but the night he was placed with us I stayed awake staring at him, breathing in his scent, holding him close to my body. Trying to breath healing into him, bond him to me. So he would know without a doubt that I was there for him. I would protect him, and he wouldn't be bounced around anywhere else, he was home.

~

My birthday wish for him is that he always knows without a doubt how loved he is by everyone. By us, by his birth parents, his extended family, we all love him so much. Things are the way they are because that's the way they are suppose to be.

~

It was meant to be.

~

Happy birthday my love, my heart child.

Ye-ha!

So a while ago I posted a picture of Tank sleeping sideways on his chair during lunch, just dangling there, and I thought that was as wild as it got. He's been making a habit of falling to sleep in the weirdest places from his earliest years. I didn't think their would be a photo to top that one, but I was wrong.

I looked up from making dinner last night and saw this-

He was riding the horse and apparently had a nap attack mid gallop! The kid is a hoot! Yes I know it wasn't very nice to snap pictures while he hung in such a precarious position, but I couldn't help myself. I seriously don't know how he was staying on there...and no, I didn't leave him there.