Monday, September 19, 2011

Another {birth} day has passed


I'm not even going to pretend I feel good about it, because I don't. Yes I'm thankful to be here on earth and with my family, yes I want to enjoy every minute of that. It's just the getting old part that's getting to me. The little things.

Last night at the grocery store I had Leiella with me at the check out stand. She started to throw a fit about some thing and so I crouched down to talk to her. The check out lady interrupted me and when I looked up she said "oh I just wanted to see your face" and in her hands was a bottle of wine. Apparently one glance at my face told her all because she most certainly didn't ask for my ID.

I've got greys I need to cover and 20 extra pounds I need to lose and I'm not feeling so good about my aging self. There doesn't seem to be a spare moment in the day that I can take for me. This last year and a half with all the craziness of Atty's health issues, his diet and having a baby {who is still not totally weaned by the way} plus the fact that I have four little kids to raise... well lets just say I've let myself go in a lot of ways. And I'm feeling kind of sad about it, but I seriously don't have the energy to do anything about it, I hardly have the energy to take a shower. So I really shouldn't complain, but complain I will because this is my blog and well getting older is hard. For me. I recently glanced at my reflection in the window of our van while pumping gas and I could spot all sorts of new lines, and my face just looks old. Some where along the way it lost it's youthful look and I'm really not quite sure when that happened. I don't feel old enough to look this old, well that's not totally true some days I feel ancient. Okay most days I feel ancient. Bleck. I guess I should look this old.

I went and got some henna for my hair so that's a little step. Haven't had a spare moment to put it in though, that's a whole different thing. But I have it, so that counts right? I also talked to my husband and he told me to go ahead and get the Curves membership I've been dragging my feet about. I hate to spend extra money like that but I really don't like going on walks by myself and work out video were just so not working. The moment I'd put one on every one of the kids would need something different, or they'd start getting into something or whatever. It just wasn't working. We don't have anywhere to put exercise equipment, so I've ran out of options. I don't want a gym membership, had one to many experiences with creepy guys at gyms, course now that I'm old it might not be such a problem any more... hummmmm. In all seriousness I'm going to try and force myself to join Curves {I like the all women thing} I did it after I had Bubu and thought it was wonderful. I do hate signing up for memberships though, guess I need to get over that if I don't want to be 20 lbs over weight any more.

Maybe I'll just end up one of those bitter old ladies that is over weight but doesn't do anything about it and just complains all day. Fun.


Kat said...

Hahaha!!!! I hate to laugh, but oh my gosh, this is such a funny post to me. I feel like I could have written this post. It sounds so much like me.
Bottom line, we are TOO DAMN HARD ON OURSELVES.

I was just looking at your previous posts (the vacation pics) and thinking you looked fabulous!!! Did I not put that in my comment? Maybe I forgot. But I think you look GORGEOUS!!! Stop being so hard on yourself.
One day (when you are 60) you are gonna look back at pics of yourself and wonder why you waisted so much time disliking yourself. You'll think, "Hot damn! I was hot! I wish I could have seen it then!" So, I'm telling you, SEE IT!!!! ;)

Also, if you want to get into shape (again, I think you look awesome!) you should give running an honest try. Go back and read my running posts on how to get started. Remember, I HATED running. Now I love it. And nothing takes off weight like running. And you can do it anywhere! FREE! Just a thought.

I hear ya on not doing anything for yourself. I am the same way. Just the thought of taking a few hours once a week for choir practice sends me into a frenzy of worry about how I'll get my other crap done. Kinda nuts. BUT, we'll get more time eventually. It will get easier. It is just hard when they are all so young.

Shall I write more? Or is this book enough. Cripes!!!!


Happy Belated Birthday!!!!!! My birthday wish for you is that I hope this year you learn to love yourself, be kind to yourself, and see yourself as others see you! :)

Riahli said...

Kat you are so sweet and funny... you brought tears to my eyes, in a good way. I truly do need to learn to love myself more. It's funny what you said about looking back when you're 60, I was just looking at pictures of me when I was 20 thinking wow I actually did look great and at the time I thought I looked awful... ha! Even saying that I thought I looked great makes me feel bad, like I shouldn't be thinking that.... weird I know. I would love to run, but to be a bit personal I'm big on top {in a horribly self conscious uncomfortable way} and even after I bought a super expensive sports bra for busty ladies on line it still doesn't seem to do the trick and so I'm just mostly embarrassed to go running. Plus scared to go by myself. I do think it would be the absolute best way to loose weight though. Thanks for the beautiful birthday wish, I will take it to heart and work on that! :)