Friday, August 10, 2012

Dreams and the harsh realities of life

I had a dream last night that I was at the beach with my husband and a bunch of other people and Paris Hilton was there with our group laying on a blanket and being snotty. I ended up getting in her face and telling her she could stuff it because I was beautiful just the way I was, curves and all, and that my husband absolutely loved my body, in fact he could hardly keep his hands off me, and that is all that mattered to me... this part of my dream lasted for quite a while, I said a few more things, but that was the main part. Then I left because I didn't want to be around her any more and I started getting worried that my {very unfit wobbly} belly was showing in the gap between my tank top and swim bottoms and I was tired of trying to keep my belly sucked in, so I wanted to go in the water, but my husband and some friends were swimming under water and I was too scared to do that. So I just went up on some rocks and watched them and they looked like dolphins, or mermaids, just colorful streaks under the water.  It was beautiful and mesmerizing. Then it turned into another crazy dream I can't really explain but it had people in it from my high school that I just saw at the last reunion I went to and we were all up on those rocks. Most of them were wearing shoes that made them slip on the rocks and I kept telling them to just take their shoes off and go barefoot like me. Then I dreamed that I was trying to get the kids out of the house on time for Vacation Bible School, but I was getting frustrated with getting the kids to get their shoes on in time. It was getting ridiculous. Mismatched shoes, shoes lost, kids with bare feet again when I had just finished putting their shoes on, stuff like that. My brother's girlfriend was there and I could tell she was judging me for getting so frustrated and worked up about it. She only has one kid, and I kept thinking, she has no idea what it's like with four young kids so close together in age. I was getting really nasty though in my dream, totally overwhelmed and stressed out. The way you sometimes let your self act when you are at home and the outside world is not there to judge. {Or maybe I'm the only one that acts in ways I am ashamed to admit, and have to apologize for, at times... but I don't think so.} Anyways we finally got out the door and VBS was at a church I went to when I was a kid, and when we got there the parking lot was empty, except on the side of an out building next to the church so we went in there. Everyone was sitting together in a room getting ready to watch something on a slide, I wasn't sure what to do, so we sat down and watched. It obviously wasn't VBS, so when the film was over I asked some one in the hallway and she told me that VBS was at a different location and started showing me how to get there on a map. It was far away and insane directions and I started getting really mad. It was dark outside and I hate driving around trying to find a new place in the dark. Right in front of everyone, I basically threw a fit and told them I was tired of driving around to different locations, and I wanted my money back {VBS generally doesn't cost anything, so ha ha!} and we were not going. Then I called to all my kids and told them we were going home. We left with everyone staring at us, and my kids were all sad and dejected and I felt like the worst mom in the world. I was trying to explain why we were going home and they were being kind about it even though they were sad and it made me feel even worse. Then my husband woke me up to sign a paper before he took off to take care of some business and that was the end of that. Weird dreams!

I think I was having such weird dreams because I stayed up way too late last night after a very emotionally overwhelming day. I really can't go into a lot of details but a friend of mine is having some serious and scary relationship problems, her marriage is disintegrating and it's all very sad, very upsetting. She was absolutely betrayed by her husband, the very person you should be able to trust. She is coming to terms {I hope} with the fact that she is in an abusive relationship that is not healthy. I ended up having to make some judgement call on the spot decisions yesterday that were really hard. I was shaking and crying and my heart felt like it would beat out of my chest. At one moment I was really afraid that something awful had happened to my friend and her child because I couldn't reach her at home or on her cell phone. It's hard to explain the absolute terror I felt with out going into detail, and telling the whole story, but I can't. Anyways she did call me back and that was a relief, but then I found out a bit more of what was really going on and it was just terrible and heartbreaking and I just felt sick and worried for the rest of the day.  Plus she couldn't finish talking to me because she went into shock because she was emotionally overwhelmed and couldn't breath very well and they had to take her to the ER. At that point I also switched over to being angry. Angry that someone else can hurt a person that they are suppose to love, and hurt them so badly! It also hit way too close to home as I was a child in a situation like this and grew up witnessing a very abusive relationship {as well as living through abuse aimed at me}.  It was a good thing that this all happened during the children's quiet time because I really cried hard and there would have been no hiding that. I kept it together for the rest of the day, but after the kids went to bed I was having a really hard time. She ended up calling again and it was good to hear that she was out of the hospital and able to talk, but I was scared of saying anything that would set her off again. It was touch and go, very tricky. I just kept telling her how strong she is, and that these sorts of things only make us stronger as I was living proof of that. Then I basically just listened and supported and tried to show her that I loved her and would help her in any way I could. After I got off the phone with her I researched how to be a friend to someone who is in an abusive relationship or leaving one. Because I was afraid I wasn't saying the right things, but it looks like I was pretty close. I tend to be pretty blunt and cut and dry, and this situation needs  a bit more tact then that. I just couldn't turn my brain off last night and my thoughts were chaotic. A mixture of upsetting childhood memories, and thinking about how so many couples I know are splitting up right now for different reasons and how it seems to be that time in our lives right now. Things ebb and flow like that. There was a time were it seemed as if lots of the couples we knew were getting married, buying houses, having babies and now that has faded and so many are going through divorces. A few years ago none of my close friends were going through divorces. All of the sudden in the last year or so about half of my close friends are going through really rocky and uncertain times. It's really sad to see. It makes me feel really thankful that my husband and I are so strong together right now. Not that we haven't had our rocky moments, but so far we have pulled through them all together. I was feeling guilty last night thinking about how much I appreciate and love my husband when my friend is going through such a rough time. But it's true I really do, and it makes me want to cling even closer to him and show him how much I adore him. It's true things are not always rosy, but he has never abused me, his words to me build me up instead of ripping me down, he does not try to control and intimidate me. I've been know to grumble about the little stuff, but when viewed from the bigger picture it all seems so trivial. Too many women that grow up viewing an unhealthy relationship end up picking a partner that continues the circle of abuse in their own relationship. Maybe it's because it's what they are use to, or they feel like they deserve it because they have low self esteem, maybe it's all just subconscious and more complex then we can really understand. I wonder what makes some people consciously end the circle while others seem to continue the circle almost unknowingly. Anyways it's really hard to get in print what is swirling around in my head right now, and I am aware that this blog post doesn't make much sense. It started with my wild dreams and morphed into a post about relationship falling apart and the sadder facts of life. But I feel like my wild dreams were some how connected to these thoughts that are swirling around in my head, connected in a million different little ways.

Side note: I wrote about this a couple weeks ago, and wasn't sure if I was going to post it or not, but I am impulsively deciding to go ahead and post it tonight... I know it's not something I would normally blog about but it's raw and straight from the heart, and the heart deserves to be heard.


Kat said...

Wow. That is a lot to take in. No wonder you are stressed and emotional. It is a big deal. Thank God your friend has you to lean on.

I think the cycle of abuse happens because the victims usually do not have good self esteem and people that are abusive seek out partners with low self esteem. Know what I mean?
Thank God you were able to break that cycle.
And don't feel guilty for being thankful for your husband. There has to be some good that comes out of bad and this is good. Reminding us what we have is always good.

I analyze dreams a lot and I think the dream was just worrying about not measuring up. It is all your insecurity about not being good enough. And yet clearly in your dream, deep down, you know that you are not only good enough, you are loved. That is shown in the kindness that your children showed when you told them you were going home, and in the fact that you stood up for yourself to Paris Hilton. You know you are doing a good job, but of course, we always question if we could do better.

Prayers for your friend and for you too.

Marlea said...

Wow, that was powerful. Thank you for sharing. I feel for your friend, being in any type of abusive relationship is hard. Verbal and emotional abuse are hard to recognize and at times you feel like you are crazy and that the person who is supposed to love you could not be hurting you....its not as obvious as physical abuse. Now I am rambling. :-)
I know I say it a lot, but I am so very proud of the woman you have become and have overcome all the crap from your past.

Riahli said...

I agree Marlea, verbal/emotional abuse is a lot harder to pick up on and it often seems to sneak it's way in there... which is why I think you start questioning your sanity. People who are verbal abuser are also manipulators, very controlling. They seem to switch between charming and manipulating to keep you guessing. The whole I'll love you if you do what I say thing. This is how it started out for my friend and then escalated into all kinds of awful in the fourteen years they were together. My friend is a strong women, and now that she is seeing the relationship for what it is she can't believe she stayed so long... but she is still heartbroken for the man she lost, not the one he turned into but the one she fell in love with. So sad.