Tuesday, November 20, 2012

There's the ups and then there's the downs...

I got in an accident with the kids last Friday. I still can't really even process it, words sort of fail me. I know that I feel really angry... with myself. And I think there is some depression, sadness, humiliation, anxiety, and irritability mixed in. My body hurts, my head hurts and my heart hurts. I ran into the back of a Ford F150, so technically it's my fault, but it was more complicated then that. Still my fault though. I let my guard down for a moment, was a little less hyper vigilant and Bam! It's hard to not take it as a personal blow to what kind of a mother I am. I try so very hard to keep my kids safe and not let bad things happen to them. I take that sooooo seriously. And I'm a perfectionist. I hold myself to a higher standard then everyone else and I hold the people in my life to a pretty high standard.  So in other words I am very hard on myself.  I know this. But damn it right now I feel like shit! Sorry, for the vulgarity. But worse words have been swimming through my head lately then that...
I am so very thankful that none of the kids were hurt. That the man in the truck wasn't hurt. Everything could have been a lot worse. People keep telling me this and I keep telling myself this, but it doesn't seem to be taking away the anger that I feel towards myself. I've never felt this before. I've been very angry with people who have hurt the ones I love, or hurt me, but I've never felt anger inside of me like this before that just churns around and has no where to go. It's an awful feeling. Besides feeling awful about the accident I've also added some serious stress to our lives financially. My husband has been so kind about it all which actually in some ways just makes me feel even worse. If that makes any sense... Because I know it's not okay, and I know that I've created a real problem for us, on top of what we were already struggling with. The van is totaled, there is no fixing it. So now once everything gets figured out insurance wise {and we won't be getting any money to help with a new vehicle because of the loan we recently took out on it} we have to try and figure out a new vehicle that we can all fit into... and afford. Sigh. We just put a bunch of money into the van too, to keep it running and make sure we made it to Montana and back. Have I mentioned I'm really angry with myself?
The night of the accident, after my husband got home, I went into emotional shock. It's a real thing apparently, google it. It was terrifying. I know enough about shock from my first aid/CPR classes to know that I was going into shock but I didn't know why. I didn't feel like I had internal injuries or anything. I started hyperventilating, my heart was racing and skipping beats, my body keep getting colder and colder and then started to tingle in the arms and legs, I started dry heaving and sobbing. My head felt like it was going to explode! My husband said I looked pale and green at the same time... The scariest part was that I didn't seem able to stop it, my body just took over. I hate feeling out of control, the accident triggered that awful out of control feeling in me and then my own body betrayed me further by going into shock and feeling even more out of control. It all spiraled wildly out of hand from there.  My husband was on the phone with a holistic doctor we know and he asked us some questions and gave us some suggestions. We were very close to going to the ER, but tried his suggestions first and they worked with in 20 minutes, the man is a genius. :) He has saved us a few times now. My poor husband was really worried about me, but so caring as always. At one point he told me to do my pregnancy breathing, and he sounded so sweet and desperate that it helped snap me out a bit. Since then I've had a few panicky moments, but nothing so severe. I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to drive again any time soon though. I know that's not very realistic with our busy lives... but the very idea gets my heart racing and that panicky feeling starts settling down in the pit of my stomach. It's going to be rough for a while I fear.

As for the kids, they seem just fine. No injuries. Although I'd like to get them into the chiropractor for some adjustments, as well as myself... but how to do that with out a vehicle, I'm just not sure. To them this all seemed as if it was one wild adventure. They were so excited to have their best friends come pick them up after the accident that they quickly forgot what had just happened. They were bouncy happy little kids that got to watch too much TV for the rest of the day, the rest of the weekend really. Their Neenee {my mom} came over for a surprise visit {my husband called her when I was freaking out, and she drove over an hour to come help out}, and it just doesn't get much better then that in their eyes.


Kat said...

OH hon. You and I are SO SIMILAR. I was in a fender bender (totaled my car but the truck I rearended didn't have a scratch- black ice- and I was being SO CAREFUL, but still) when I was pregnant with my first, and I was SO HARD on myself.

I think what really hit me was the fact that no matter how much I TRY to control everything and TRY to keep my kids safe, in the end I have no control. That is what scared me and made me angry, though I didn't figure it out until later. We are not really in control of ANYTHING. Accidents happen all the time and they are just that. We are human, just like everyone else.

And shit happens. The end.

But that thought terrifies me.
In the end I just have to give it up to God. Let Him have control and know that He always has my best interest (and my kids') in mind. Know that whatever life throws at me I can handle it with His help.

Try focusing on thanking God and your angels for keeping y'all safe and for your awesome husband. :)

Please be gentle on yourself. Treat yourself as you would treat your hubby if he had the accident, okay?

SO GLAD you are all okay!

Riahli said...

Thank you Kat for your uplifting words, as always. They mean so much to me! I swear if we lived closer we would be the best of friends. :) Right after the accident I reminded my kids that we needed to remember all that we had to be thankful for, it really does help when you remember to do that... but so far that just isn't taking my anger at myself away, I guess I just need a little more time. It's so hard hearing the kids telling the story over and over again and acting it out, I know that they need to, and it's healthy for them, but it's so hard to hear.