Thursday, August 29, 2013

Sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself.

I've been in a real funk lately.
 Maybe it is a problem with the combination of my supplements. Or the cleanse I've been taking. Maybe the supplements are not working and my health is not improving as I'd hoped. I do need to go back in for some blood work, it's over due.
What ever the reason I've been miserable. Mean. Depressed. Just don't feel good frankly. So very tired all day, and then can't sleep well at night. Which is beyond frustrating let me tell you!
I stopped one of my supplements for my mood because I felt like it wasn't helping like it was suppose to, and I've stopped the cleanse for now. I think I might feel a bit better. Not much, but a little is better then nothing at all.
The worse of it all is that I am really not enjoying being a mother and a wife right now. Which makes me feel guilty and sad. Which leads me further into depression. Sigh. I just feel taken for granted so often. Over worked, a shell of my former self. The same boring stuff day, after day, after day. I hardly get any breaks, my best friend moved away so I don't really have a get away partner. Ryder usually works so much that there's not much of a chance to get away and have me time, even if I was in the mood to hang out with myself alone. Which at this point doesn't sound as bad as it use to, ha!
 I've really had to fight a bitterness towards Ryder as well. Because although he does work really, really hard he also does have more of a freedom then me {and always has}. He gets way more time on his own then I do. Which he does deserve, after all he works himself ragged taking care of us. But so do I in a completely different way. Who is going to give me a break? It feels so selfish, but seriously, I need breaks to. Because he works long hours I take care of almost everything in the home, and in the yard. I take care of the kids needs, the planning, the errands, grocery shopping, appointments, the animals. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... Repeat, repeat, repeat. There is no beginning or end to my work day. I also nanny to try and bring in some extra money, which adds to my work load and responsibilities. Add to that the fact that homeschooling is right around the corner. Which I'm excited about and dreading at the same time.
Some times I feel like he truly doesn't get it. How much work it all is, how hard it is to take the kids with me everywhere I go. I take them with to most of my appointments as well. I have been getting Chiropractic care and therapeutic massage because of the accident I was in. Try taking four young kids {some times even five or six kids depending on if I am nannying or not} to an hour massage and tell me how that works. Or grocery shopping, which for us means a giant cart full of food and nearly an hour in the store. He doesn't seem to blink an eye. Because I do it. Because I always have. Because I refuse to let any problem be too big. But that doesn't mean it's easy, or that I want to, or that I can continue at this pace indefinitely.
Which brings me to this... I thought that when he saw with out a doubt how my body was failing me that he would see how important it was to give me more support. I've been telling him for years how tired I am, but it was usually during a fight. And granted he can't really do a lot about it, as he's tired as well. Which makes it hard to be mad at him. Because it's not like he's sitting around drinking beer, watching TV, and not working. Being some sort of a no account bum. He's not, it's nothing like that. Not even remotely. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling so bitter about this. But I think if he was being truly honest with himself and less selfish he'd realize that although he would like to go out to his shop for a moment to work on something, or go fishing in a free moment, he should instead be supporting me. Asking me what I need help with. This is after all his home as well, and his children. It's not solely my responsibility. I don't mind pulling more then my fair share when needed, and Lord knows I have... but that's why I think he starts to take me for granted. He gets in this groove of me doing all the household/childcare stuff when he's working super long hours, and then when he has some spare time he doesn't take up the slack but instead takes time for himself, or works on big projects {which is awesome, but not especially helpful for the day to day stuff}, or goes fishing, or out with friends. A big part of me wants that for him, because he works so freaking hard and deserves to have free time. But the selfish, tired, overworked, lonely part of me wants his free time to be with us. With me. Helping, or doing fun stuff with us. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. So very alone. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg him to do stuff with us. Having to get bitchy to get some help. Like right now he's been helping more, and putting in effort to show me that he's here... but that's because he can tell I'm mad and he knows he was in the wrong. So it doesn't feel right to me. And I'm still mad. And I don't want to be mad any more. Especially because when I'm mad and sad I don't make for a very good mommy.
We have been struggling with this same topic for years now, before we even had kids when we were raising his little brother. There never seems to be a good solution. I try to find happiness in what I do, and I try to see the situation for what it is, two very overworked people who want some more free time. I try so hard not to take it out on him. But when I shake it all off it settles down to me being lonely. He doesn't seem to get that over all I just want more time with him. And if I let that go, in order to not be mad about not getting it, then what do we have left? Emptiness. And that makes me sad. I know it doesn't need to be as desperate as all that, but it feels like it right now. Which brings be back to what this post started out with. I don't feel good. And I guess I'm just not coping well right now. And I am taking it out on him for sure. I do still know that no matter what there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and life has a way of working itself out. It's just that sometimes walking towards that light seems so daunting and especially tiring. So at this moment I'm sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself, and I'll get up soon. Give me a break.


Kat said...

Oh, GIRL!!!! I HEAR YOU!!!!!!

I have felt this SAME exact way so many times I can't even begin to explain all the ways I relate. My husband and I are the same way. But he has SO MANY hobbies that take him away (mostly hunting that seems to be never-ending), and I have no friends in the area anymore so it always means he has free time and I don't. Most of the time it doesn't bother me too much, until it does and then I just want to go on strike.

There is no way that my husband has ANY clue all the stuff I do around here. But, then again, I have no idea all the crap he has to put up with at his stressful, horrid job either. Nor do I know the stress of being the ONLY one bringing in money to a family of six. I know that is a constant stress for him.

I tell ya, I have gone round and round on this subject. Sometimes I think it is mostly my fault because I am such a control freak and from the beginning of our marriage I always did everything and denied his help and eventually he just stopped asking, ya know? I think when people see someone as very capable they don't offer help. Ever heard the expression, "you want something done, give it to a busy person" ? It's true.

Anyway, I don't have any advice for you other than "this too shall pass". Because it does.

And I notice as my kids get older it gets easier too. Eventually you will have more "you" time. The kids will be better able to entertain themselves. Things will not always be such a struggle. You know you've got a wonderful man, you are both just going through a really hard time in your lives right now. When my friend got married her grandma told her "the first 20 years are the hardest, but after that it is wonderful!" I laughed so hard. But now I get it. Raising a family is HARD.

Compound all of this with crazy hormones (that is always my problem), lack of sleep, loud rambunctious children, and not enough together time with your spouse and you know it is going to be rough. But you will get through this.

I'm so glad you wrote this because sometimes it just feels better putting it all out there. And maybe that is what you need to do with the hubby. Just tell him you don't want him to try and fix anything, that he really isn't doing anything wrong, but you just need to be heard. You need some empathy. Sometimes that is all we want.

I tell ya what, you've got MY empathy for sure!!!

You are a great mom and wife! Don't beat yourself up. And hang in there!!!!!

Riahli said...

Thanks so much Kat, I really needed to hear that. I was feeling guilty about writing this post and afraid it wouldn't be understood for what it was. My husband is a good man and I didn't want it to come across that he wasn't. I'm sure I'm no fun to live with sometimes to, and I would imagine there are times I take him for granted as well. Thanks for your understanding, wise, and comforting words. I almost deleted the post, but now I'm glad I didn't. :)

Oh and for my husband it's fishing and it drives be absolutely crazy, I HATE fishing season with a passion now! If he just did it casually it wouldn't be that bad, but he becomes obsessed!!! So very annoying. It's fishing season right now, can you tell? ;)