Our river of life: August 2011

I had a total melt down on Saturday.

Let me rewind.

So Spike didn't get a birthday party in June, around his birthday, because Atty had his Seizure Free celebration and there were a million other things going on. I promised him one this month as it seemed really important to him this year. It seems he often feels skipped over and in reality he often is in some way or another. At least it feels that way to me, my husband thinks I'm a bit over sensitive on the topic. But he has been overshadowed many times by Atty and Atty's health issues, and I think that the fact that they're only four months apart makes it even more complicated. I could got further into the many different reasons I feel the way I do about this but this post isn't really about that. It was part of my melt down though, those feelings.

By the day of the party I was feeling pretty frustrated because almost every single one of the friends he had invited couldn't come for one reason or another. I wasn't frustrated with them, but frustrated things were turning out that way. I really wanted the day to be extra special for him. He doesn't really have many friends, as most of the kids gravitate towards Bubu because he's so out going and friendly were Spike is shy and quiet and has a tendency to pester when he feels left out {which is often}. We were having a melon party, and had worked together to make the decorations and clean up before the party. My kids were very excited because we were going to have a watermelon eating contest. I continued to act upbeat even though it started to seem pointless as hardly any kids were going to come. I kept hanging on to the fact that surely my dearest friend would show up with her two girls. Even if it wasn't his choice in friends {just because they are girls and well he's very into boy things right now, plus the oldest is Bubu's dearest friend and the youngest is a baby}, it was better then no kids. Then she called to cancel. And I fell apart. It left a baby cousin and a baby I watch in my daycare, plus adult family members for guests. Which I was excited about, but wasn't much for Spikes birthday party, friend wise. My heart just broke thinking about how it must make him feel that not a single friend would be showing up to his party. He had diligently helped with the decorations and planning, chosen the guest list and talked non stop about this party for the last month. And not a single friend was coming. There wasn't a thing I could do about that and I felt hopelessly frustrated. I sobbed in my husbands arms {in private of course} because I had wanted so desperately for Spike to have his special day. We've made such a fuss about Atty lately with celebrations for this that and the other and I wanted Spike to feel some of that too. While I was in the middle of falling apart my dear friend called back an told me that she rearranged her schedule and was coming after all. She knows my feeling about Spike and she has seen how he sometimes gets skipped over and didn't want to leave us hanging. I love her dearly.

So I dried up my tears, pulled myself back together and continued on. I had a gentle talk with Spike about why most of his friends weren't coming and he took it in his normally reserved manner. I reassured him that he could still get together with those friends at a different time. I told him that there were still people who loved him dearly coming that wouldn't miss it for the world and that was what mattered most. He asked is we could still have the watermelon contest, which made me smile. I hugged my littlest boy close and breathed in his sweetness. In the end love is all that matters and I love him so much it hurts.

We had a fabulous party, which included some awesome snakes as presents {not real thank goodness!} he could not have been happier. Well yes he probably could have if one of them had been real, ha ha! We played games, blew bubbles and colored with chalk. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves entirely and it all worked out. As it usually does when I give up trying to control every little thing and focus on making the best of the situation.

And we most definitely had the watermelon eating contest. :)

My camera ended up dying on me though, of course. Seems to always happen at the worst times. I didn't get any pictures of him and his birthday cupcakes, but he was cute and glowing when we all sang happy birthday to him.

I wish I didn't have a guilt button with him as big as a mountain, but I do. You are probably thinking what in the world is this women's problem? I'll admit it seems as if I'm totally over reacting. But I just can't explain the feelings I have when it comes to Spike. To see one of your children struggle so much more then the others, and to have things never seem to end up even or fair drives me crazy. I feel like he hurts inside and it's not one big thing, it's a million little things that I can't change. I constantly feel like I do everything wrong with him, while I'm trying so hard to do it right. He is a hard one to understand, so bright beyond his years, so complicated. I don't worry so much about my other kids, but I constantly worry about him. Constantly. And I'm so sensitive to everything concerning him. I wish I understood better why I feel this way about him and I really wish I didn't feel like there is a reason why I need to worry so much about him. My husband says maybe it will end up that Bubu is the one we have to worry about, he has a way of changing my perspective like that. If only I could give up worrying in general, but it is what I do best...