I just miss him, always will.

I miss this boy so bad it hurts.I've written before about why he means so much to me, if you want to read about it go here. So much has happened since that post. He lived with his mom for about a year and then she got sick with cancer and died soon after. Now he is living with his sister, she wanted it that way, and my hubby felt it was best, but I have a lot of mixed emotions about the whole thing. I mean I've loved him since birth, I raised him for almost seven years, he was my first baby, I've felt like a piece of the puzzle is missing ever since he's been gone. For some reason the holidays are the worse, I've cried a few times already and I know it's just going to get worse as Christmas gets closer. We went to visit them last weekend, it's about two hours away and we just don't see them enough because of it. He saw his new niece for the first time. He was so sweet to her, it brought tears to my eyes. The boys were so happy to see him, they miss him all the time. He towers over me now, the same boy who's diapers I changed years and years ago. I snuggled into his body instead of him into mine. I hugged him over and over again, and he let me, which is not his normal teenage self. He told me he loved me and missed me quite a few times and it warmed my heart every time he said it. I cried on the way home, I think I always will when ever I am driving away from him. Cause every mile seems so harsh.

No more suffering

My husband's mother passed away this weekend on Saturday after a battle with cancer. He was there, and is thankful for that. His sister and brother were coming up to visit her because it did look like she wasn't going to make it much longer, but we all didn't realize how little time was left. They didn't make it. I got back from picking up Bubu at the same time that his sister and J got to our house. My hubby was home and I assumed he came to meet them and take them to their mom. We all went inside and were chatting to each other and then my husband asked the little ones to go outside and play because he needed to talk to us, and my heart sank. He just came right out and told us that their mom had passed away that morning, and poor J just said "no" and went stone cold. Frozen and unresponsive, wouldn't say another word. We all sat and listened to hubby and then talked some and we all took turns telling J how much we loved him and such. I'm so worried about him. My husband is broken up but he knows that she is in a better place now and no longer suffering, plus he is an adult. J is only fourteen. He now has no father that he knows of and no mother. He never had much of a relationship with her in the first place, and he had just moved back in with her, after almost seven years of living with us, when she got sick. After my hubby left to go back to the nursing home and take care of things, his sister and J stayed behind. J started talking again, about other things and eventually you wouldn't even have been able to tell that anything had happened. I went along with it because I know him and I knew not to push anything. His sister left later and he is staying with us until the memorial. He remain unemotional the rest of that night and yesterday. Then last night, late, late into the night I heard him crying. Hard. Although it saddened me to hear his hurt I also felt relieved. He needed to let it out. I let it go for a while, because I knew he would go back into himself if we went in there, but I also didn't want him to feel alone. So when he started to sound more angry and repetitive I told my hubby to go in there and comfort him. I am so worried for my boys. My hubby and my first baby. They are both so sensitive although they try so hard to hide it. I truly don't know how to comfort them, I feel unsure of the right words. I just desperately want to be able to support them through this, I hope that J can feel that I will always be there for him and although I am not his mom, he is my baby. Always and forever.

Fun in the sun, April style.

We had an awesome day at the beach on Sunday. It was nice out, and the boys really enjoyed exploring in the sunshine. Our favorite thing to do as a family is go exploring out in the great outdoors. We had a picnic and spent hours combing the beach for cool rocks, climbing on logs, looking for sea creatures, throwing rocks in the water and J's personal favorite, seeing who can hit the most seashells off of a log with rocks...my arm was actually sore from throwing so many rocks, we haven't played this game in a while (and I am a wimp). It was so wonderful to relax on the beach with my boys. I am a lucky girl. ~Daddy funny~ as Atty would say.

Come on Daddy, lets go exploring...

Look mommy there's an airplane in the sky.

Atty bravely walked up and down this log, sometimes he can seems so clumsy, and other times he amazes me with his balance.

Ewwwww...

Hanging out in a cool fort someone made on the beach out of drift wood.

Log climbing.

Brave little critter.

Bubu loves throwing rocks in the water, they all do. The bigger the rock, the larger the splash!

Daddy love.

Sunshine snuggles.

What did you find Uncle J?

Exploring the beach.

Atty decided that climbing on top of the fort was so much cooler then playing inside the fort.

So much fun in the sun!

What a mess...

So the last few days have been overwhelming to say the least.

On Saturday I picked up J from visiting with his sister on spring break. The situation at his mom's house has been going from bad to worse, especially now that she is so sick. It has gotten to the point were he is having to endure continuous verbal abuse and neglect. He has all F in school, has recently been suspended, was with friends that were stealing and on and on and on. It's just an all around bad situation for him. So we felt he should come back and live with us. He had been with us for 6 1/2 years before going back to live with her last June. Half of his life time. I was raising him longer then I have been raising my own boys. We thought she understood and that she would let it happen. We were hoping that there was one little part of her that wasn't selfish and would understand that J living with her was not in his best interest. Instead she stopped answering the phone when my husband called and then on Monday with out saying anything to us first she called the school he was going to there and told them that we took J with out her permission. So I, still oblivious to all this, signed him up at school here, got him all set, talked to the counselor about the fact that he had previously been diagnosed with Aspergers while living with us (something his mom refuses to acknowledge.) and we left. I had some errands to run and then when I got home I had a message from the school here that there was a question about guardianship. We happen to have an open agreement, notarized between his mother and Ryder and I giving us the ability to make decisions regarding school, medical and such from before. So the school here didn't know what to do. Then my mom called and told me that J's mom called her and wasn't making much sense (she is on HIGH doses of pain meds.) and that she was saying we didn't tell her we were taking J (not true) that we had never talked to her about it (so not true) and that she had called the police. What! Keep in mind she was not answering the phone when we called or calling us, just everyone else. So then I really started to stress out, and ended up with the worse migraine headache ever. Ryder ended up driving all the way to her place over an 1 1/2 hours away after working a ten, just to try and figure out what was going on. She apparently has changed her mind, and he didn't get anywhere with her when he was trying to explain why J shouldn't be there. She just wouldn't listen. So Tuesday I wasn't able to get his school totally figured out, they were still consulting their legal team. I tried to figure out our legal options, but the only thing I could do was file a report about the abuse and neglect with the State. Apparently if a case worker gets involved then he might be able to be place with us as a relative placement, but there wasn't anyway to get a relative placement order with out doing that step first. Last night we had to make the tough decision to send him back with his mom, because he couldn't miss any more school and I couldn't determine how long it was going to take to get him set up over here. The point of him coming here was to do what was in the best interest of J, and it is not in his best interest to miss any more school. It was so hard to let him go, knowing what he will be going through again. He is so sensitive too, although he tries so hard to hide it. I told him not to internalize what she is saying to him, and to stay strong. I let him know that I will always do what I can to take care of him and protect him and I will always be here for him. That he can always call me at any time. When he was leaving I gave him a big hug and told him that I love him more then life it's self, and he said "Hey that's what you wrote on my blanket (which he sleeps with every night, even brought it with him here) and I could barely choke back the tears when I told him to keep sleeping with that blanket and always remember those words. This situation is tearing me apart, and I feel so inadequate and unable to do right by him. Yesterday my mom reminded me that I have to let go and leave it in Gods hands, and I know that, but it's so hard.

I braved it alone...

I did it.

Grocery shopping alone with three little boys.

OMGoodness. I had so many errands to run yesterday. So we started off going to Lowes for some gardening stuff, because the sun is starting to peak out around here! They did fairly well there, one buckled in, one in the basket part of the cart and one walking. Then on to the library to drop of books before they sent out a search party. Then I thought I would take them to a park for snacks and play time before attempting the...(drum roll please)...Grocery Store. So I piled them all out at a park we don't normally go to, and it was a disaster. There were a bunch of older kids there, playing tag, and they were just running all over everything and I was afraid they were going to trample one of the boys. At one point when Atty was trying to cross this rope bridge thing, another much bigger kid went over it, and poor Atty went flying off! The older kid didn't do it on purpose, but I'll admit I glared. So anyways I bundled them back up into the van, and promised another park to appease them. We went to this great park that I should have gone to in the first place. It's much smaller so it's less stressful, and easier for me to keep tabs on the little ones. They had a lot of fun. Although by this time I was already feeling a bit burnt out and since I hadn't been able to leave when I wanted to (a whole different story involving J who is now at our house.) it was close to lunch time. The grocery shopping had to be done though so off we went, worse time of the day with hungry tired little boys and a hungry tired mommy. The babies were sleeping by the time we got there. J was with us, but refused to get out of the van, so I had no choice but to face my fears hungry, tired and alone, I plan so well. I was close to tears a few minutes in. I grabbed two carts and buckled Spike into one, put a sleepy Atty in the basket part of the same cart and Bubu walked while I pulled the other cart behind me. Of course Atty woke up as soon as we started shopping and started crying. I had snacks in the back pack as always so I gave him the whole bag of his animal crackers, and the box of regular animal crackers to Spike. That helped until they started throwing them. I don't know if this happens to any of you with lots of small kids, but some people can be so rude. The stares are annoying enough as it is, but some people will actually give me nasty looks. Or act impatient with me as I am struggling around with my hands full. I don't let my children run amuck, or scream non-stop, or be rude to others. I am stern with them, I keep them under control, we try to be as polite as possible. I just don't get it. There was only one lady that was super sweet to me, she was older and wanted to stop and talk to me and the boys. She was so nice and understanding that I almost cried. Embarrassing. Anyways we made it through the whole store and by the time we were heading for check out I could barely steer and pull the overflowing cart at the same time. I'm sure we were quite the sight. The boys really did very well, I was proud of them. Spike started to melt down while we were waiting our turn in line, but recovered in time. I paid, and heading for the finishing line, feeling extremely exhausted, and on the verge of tears, but super proud of my boys. They all got some black licorice after they were safely buckled in. Piled in the groceries, collapsed into my seat and sighed a huge sigh of relief that we all made it out alive. Had to make one more stop, but it was a super quick one so I left the boys munching licorice with J. I had more things I had wanted to get done, but we had all hit a wall so we headed for home. Of course when I got home I still had a super messy house to clean, so that's when the tears really started to flow, pregnancy hormones took over and I sobbed my way through a mountain of dishes.

My sweet, sweet hubby did say that he would rather do the shopping for me on his way home from work then me having to do that again. I might take him up on that, although he just doesn't seem to be able to get the deals the way I can, and he always forgets something, or I should say many things. Practice makes perfect though right. I make a habit of taking on more then I should, I do need to continue learning to let go. It's a hard one for me, being the control freak that I am. ;)

Breath. breath. breath.

I am really upset, lots of crazy stuff going on around here.



Can't really talk about it right now.



Looks like J might be living with us again.



I am eating a turkey burger and chip at 10:30 in the morning.



Yeah, I'm freaking over here.



Drinking tension tamer tea, and trying to calm down, because I am getting cramps and it's scary.



Randomly cleaning various odds and ends, wandering aimlessly.



I should say I made a turkey burger and chip that I am apparently too upset to eat.



I do that a lot, I always think the butterflies in my stomach are hunger pains, until I go to put the food in my mouth and can't chew.

Where are the reindeer?

Bubu was excited that the reindeer liked the carrot he left out for them, but was sad that they didn't stick around for him to meet personally.

Stockings are my favorite part!

The wagon was a super hit.

Tank was so happy to have his own bike now.

Spike loved his new doggy jammies.

Super cool Spiderman socks!

Bubu loves this book "A Camel that Took a Walk". He is so excited that he doesn't have to take this one back to the library.

Cousin H is cool, Bubu follows his older cousin everywhere!

I caught the ever elusive teenager and forced him to take a picture with me.

All my boys, could I be any happier, Hubby took this picture, I was really impressed. Picture taking is Not his thing!

My mom made her angel food cake for Jesus, and we all sang Happy Birthday, long family tradition.

Ah, the morning after.
~

So I hope everyone had a wonderful time together with their families.

~

We had a nice time, my mom came down after all. She called in the morning on Christmas Eve and was super sad because she decided she couldn't drive after all, in the ice and snow and would have to spend Christmas alone. I just couldn't bare that idea, so Ryder drove all the way to her house to get her. He was our super hero, braving the icy roads, driving for over 4 hours because he had to go at a crawl for most of it. The boys were so excited to see her.

~

We had our Christmas Eve chili, it's a tradition my mom has been torturing us with since I was a little kid, I like it now, but I hated it when I was a kid, and I can't say that my boys like it much more then I did. Oh well. It's a sweet chili, kinda strange, she even puts kiwi and pineapple in it, which is well, just strange.

~

I got over my whole Santa hang up and we sprinkled our magic reindeer food that we made in preschool out on the lawn, and put out milk and cookies and a super big carrot for his reindeer, they got spoiled this year. I decided I like the stocking thing to much to not do it, and no one else can stuff stockings as well as Santa!

~

When the boys woke up and I was walking down the hall with them I was talking to Bubu about checking to see if Santa and his reindeer came and he cried out "I don't see any reindeer!" He was really upset about this. I explained that we wouldn't be actually seeing one, that they come during the night when you are sleeping, and I showed him the carrot that had bites taken out of it. He was a bit disappointed. Poor thing apparently he thought that Rudolf would be waiting for him in the living room! None of the boys were willing to even look at the tree let alone get into the stockings until they had their morning cocoa. Which gave Ryder a chance to make coffee thank goodness!

~

We got into the stockings, then took a break for our special Christmas morning breakfast, then back to presents. I had found a favorite book of Bubu's that we had read a million times this summer, a book we had checked out from the library. Now he has his own special copy, you should have heard him scream when he saw it, super funny! It's a book that only him and I seem to understand, no one else really seems to like it. I had to read it right there on the spot, and he soaked in every word. Spike and Tank got a special book too. The big hit with all of them was the red wagon I believe. Bubu has all the sudden become obsessed with Spiderman, and I got him some Spiderman socks and a Spiderman pillow case and he was over the moon excited about that!

~

We went to hubby's mom's place in the afternoon, got to see J that was nice. Hubby's sister was there too, and Bubu was super excited to see his cousin. I had asked them not to do the present thing, because we weren't, except for something small for cousin and J. Either way they got us all presents anyway and went above and beyond again like always. It is sweet of them to be so giving, but it's also frustrating because I asked them not to. It was hard to be around *Jnut* (hubby's mom, I think I will call her this from now on!) but hubby told me I did a good job, I am a good pretender when I need to be. I did hid in the bathroom, a lot, they probably thought there was something wrong with me! J looked so grown, he is taller then me now! It was so good to see him, I hugged him a trillion times, drove him crazy, he is almost 14 so he can only handle so much snuggling. I wrapped my arms tight around him over and over again while he squirmed to get away, but I could tell he like the snuggles, he just needed to pretend to save face. He told me he loved me a few times and was being really sweet, I miss him so much! I know he can easily drive me crazy, but not being around him is hard too. He is growing so fast, it was quite shocking actually. I cried a bit on the way home, which hubby was sweet about this time.

~

We got home well after dark, and hubby then got back on the road and drove my mom home, he didn't get home until real late, it was so absolutely sweet and unselfish of him. Over all it was a great day, although completely exhausting for all. One of the funniest things I overheard was my husband saying to Bubu while he was having a melt down at the end of the day, "you had to much sugar huh" and Bubu sobbing "yes". We all had too much sugar...

My first baby...

So I was going to write about my outing to the grocery store with Bubu, and all the adorable things he says. Then the reality of something hit me last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, like a ton of bricks, and I cried so hard I could have rung out my pillow. I am still feeling melancholy so my focus is on that.

I've mentioned before that my hubby's little brother lived with us for over 6 years, and that he has now moved back in with his mom. Well when he moved out everything was really hectic, we were moving to a new town, and I was trying to start my Childcare over again, and get set up in the new house, I had birthdays to deal with for two of my children, and then the holidays hit, and I just haven't really slowed down a whole lot and reflected on the fact that he is missing. Missing from our house, missing at the dinner table, missing from our family Christmas picture. That one hit me hard, and I think that is what started me reminiscing. I was working on Christmas cards, and putting our family picture in them and I realized with a start that the reason they looked so strange to me (besides the fact that it is impossible to get a good family picture with little kids) is that Jacob was missing for the first time. Then my husband told me that he talked to his mom and she said J won't be able to spend any of his holiday break with us, like I had hoped. This just crushed me. He doesn't understand, it's weird but he is just not close to his little brother, not like I am. I mean he loves him, and protected him, but he rarely talks about him, never calls him, doesn't seem to make much of an effort to reach out to him, it really frustrates me. I think a lot of the difference is that no matter what J is more of an annoying little brother to my hubby, were as I felt more motherly towards him. Oh my heart aches. I am welling up just writing about it, some times the pain of being separated from him takes my breath away as I try to choke back tears.

He was born when I was sixteen, and I feel in love right when I saw him. Tiny, adorable little baby. His mother was neglectful from the beginning and I took care of him all the time. Late in to the night, while she was out partying. Rocking him, walking around the house with him while he screamed for his mother, taking him on long walks and pausing under the willow trees. He just loved looking up at the branches swirling around him. As he grew, he bonded with me, his face would light up when I came over, he had the cutest shy smile, that he didn't hand out to just any body. He was a serious little child, with big blue eyes that looked much older and wiser then they should. They moved a way away when he was two, and I missed him so bad. I couldn't handle it, I moved to be closer to him, I was so worried about whether or not he was okay. She was still partying all the time. I moved in with them, and saw first hand what a horrible mother she was. J had attachment issues from the beginning, it was obvious. It made me all the more desperate to show him that at least one person in his life would be there for him no matter what. At this point my hubby (not my hubby then) and I had been broken up for over a year and he had moved to Oregon, so I was really the only one left to keep and eye on him. He still had his sister living there too, but she was starting to party also, and really resented her mom shoving the responsibility of raising J off on her, who could blame her for that. His mom would be gone for days, and then come home still high and go straight into her room. J would cry at her bedroom door, and beg her to come out and she would scream at us to get the "F'er" away from her door, and lots of other choice word and evil mean things that I won't even repeat. It was horrible. My heart broke for him over and over again. I would take his sobbing self into his bedroom and lay next to him in his bed and read him stories. He would stop crying and listen, but his eyes, oh the sadness was too much. Reading books together is something we continued to do together over the years, and are some of my most precious memories.

I eventually moved out, my hubby came back from Oregon (still not my hubby) and we got back together. We would watch Jacob every weekend, and call almost every night, stop by unannounced, to make sure he was safe and not left with strangers, or put in a foster home like my hubby and his sister were, numerous times. When he started school, I volunteered every Friday in his classroom. Things were still just as bad at home for him. It was sad, but I was young and felt powerless to change anything.

Then right after he turned seven, she called and told my hubby (yet again still not my hubby, it took us a while to get married.) that she was being kicked out of her apartment and that she was dropping J and his sister and their huge, crazy, untrained, dog (uggg!) off at our place that night. Just like that. It went from a quiet life together with two cats and an indoor bunny, to chaos. I was not prepared, and defiantly not ready to fill in as a full time mommy (with out the title) for a seriously hurting and abandoned little boy. It was hard, and looking back I made a lot of mistakes. His sister, a rebellious hurting young lady, was hard to handle to say the least, she made it about a year, and then moved out unannounced. Left us with the dog (that I didn't want). That dog had issues too, but that's a whole different story. His mom barely saw him at first, she was all caught up in yet another man. But as the years went on she started to spend a couple weekends a month with him that turned in to every other weekend that then turned in to pretty much every weekend. He was still living with us, I still had all the responsibility of raising him, but she had all the fun with him on the weekends, and almost every holiday too I might add. It was frustrating to say the least. But we still never interfered with him having a relationship with his mom, and I tried really hard not to talk bad about her in front of him. She was evil to me though, and undermined everything I did. Talked bad about me, and openly disrespected me and I feel encouraged him to be disrespectful to me. So things got worse between J and I. The older he got the harder it got. The behavior, the attitude, the frustration just kept building. Our relationship deteriorated, but it didn't change my love for him. Which I made sure to tell him over and over again. He would test me, he was the meanest to me, but I understood that it was because I was the only person who stood by him no matter what. I was the closest, the safest person to take his anger out on. Lucky me. I missed our friendship of before though, before I had the responsibility of raising him. When I didn't have to worry as much about the little day to day stuff, and we could just have fun. We still had good moments, they were just farther in between. Reading together, a joke here and there, watching our favorite shows together. He would help me out in the house, or with yard work, just to be near me. He would follow me everywhere, even when he was verbally pushing me away. He had always been obsessed with were I was, and being right there to talk my ear off. Wanting to know were I was going, what I was doing, when I would be back. Which use to drive me crazy, and now I sort of miss it.

I sort of miss all of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I just miss him with every fiber of my being. This is the farthest apart we have ever lived from each other, and it's hard for me to accept. He is almost 14 now, and I don't understand how the years flew by so fast. He has only been over a few times since he moved out, and every time I see him I am shocked by how grown he is. He is taller then me now! His mom seems to be doing everything she can to keep us apart. It angers me. We did every thing we could to ensure that J had a relationship with her, even though she didn't deserve it in my opinion. I know she is jealous of the fact that I am a better mother then her, that's not a hard thing to do after all. She hates that J and I have a closeness that she will never have, something you can't buy or demand or manipulate or force. When J started to call me mom she played all kinds of mind games with him and went as far as to tell him something strange like that he already had a second mom that died and he couldn't have another one. This is how J explained it to me one night any ways, when he was telling me why he couldn't call me mom any more. I never expected him too, or asked him too, but how confusing for his little brain. Here is someone who is doing all the things a mommy is suppose to do, but isn't his mommy and the women who is his mommy is doing nothing, except filling his brain with garbage.

He may not be my child, but he is one of my boys. He is part of my life with boys. He is my love, my little cubby, I remember his angelic round face, big blue eyes, one blond curl on the top of his head, the way he would smile at me and reach out his pudgy little hands for me. My first baby, the one who taught me so much.

Letter to "Mayzie"

Dear Mayzie,

I took care of Your child for over six years, with out so much as a thank you, so you could go play. Faithfully I nurtured your child, carefully, tenderly and gently I watched over him. At times is wasn't much fun, and the older he got, the angrier he got, and he took it all out on me, because I was and am unconditionally faithful to him. I volunteered in his classrooms year after year, struggled with him over homework, taught him a love for books, and worked to instill a set of positive values in him, the difference between right and wrong. When he showed interested in basketball we paid for it, and took him to practice, went to all of his games, when he showed interest in playing the saxophone, we paid for it and went to all his concerts. We supported him, held him accountable for his actions. I took my responsibility seriously, the responsibility of raising Your child.

"Sighed Mayzie, a lazy bird hatching an egg: "I'm tired and I'm bored and I've kinks in my leg from sitting, just sitting here day after day. It's work! How I hate it! I'd much rather play! I'd take a vacation, fly off for a rest if I could find someone to stay on my nest! If I could find someone, I'd fly away-free..."

We raised him with out an ounce of financial support from you. We took him in, or maybe I should say, you dropped him off without notice at our door step (with his then teenage sister and huge dog), and we did not question for a moment keeping him with us and protecting him. Even though we were young and not even contemplating children of our own at the time. You never supported us ever in raising Your kid, in fact you filled his head with lies. You told him we took him and decided to raise him, acted as if you had nothing to do with it, put the blame on us, just like you do with everything, blame someone else. You encouraged him to be disrespectful to me, talked bad about me to him and in front of him. You were openly disrespectful to me, in my home many times, with him standing right there. When he would come home from visiting you it would take days to get the "real boy" back. After a few years, you decided to become the weekend parent, still a deadbeat if you ask me, and he started to put you on a pedestal, because you were now the fun one. I was the one enforcing homework and respectful behavior. Teaching discipline and morals. Dealing with the multiple calls a week from his school about his behaviour, one parent teacher conference after another. Advocating for him while not make any excuses for his behavior. I cried many times at night for him, because I knew he was acting out the anger he felt inside, of being abandoned by you. I had to face the fact that no matter how much I loved him, I wasn't his mom, and he just really wanted you. I couldn't blame him for that. Even though I know what kind of a person you really are. How horribly you treated him the first seven years of his life, it is a faded, barely audible memory for him. It hurt me deeply to see our relationship deteriorate as he got older and harder to deal with. All the hate he would direct towards me at times, I wanted to scream, "why are you taking it out on me?" But I knew why, because I, unlike you, have been there for him since the day he was born. There is safety in that.

"I meant what I said and I said what I meant...an elephant's faithful one hundred per cent!"

Even though he started resenting living with us I faithfully pushed forward, doing what you had left us to do. The regular every day stuff of raising a child. We often had to rush from Monday to Friday in a blur, just to have him go spend the weekend being brainwashed by you, and being allowed to do what ever he wanted, a two day free for all, then crash, back to reality. Rarely getting to do anything fun with him because you started taking him on all weekends, holidays and most school breaks. Fun, fun, fun, for you, didn't want to dirty your hands doing the actually work of parenting. I admit my hatred for you has grown, I try hard to pretend that it's not there, even attempt to be civil to you for the sake of family, but I can't stand the very sight of you, your voice makes my heart race, my head hurt. As I have sat here raising your child, losing sleep, putting my all in to it, you have been out partying, having a grand time, living like you have no responsibilities, living in a dream world were every body owes you something.

"And, dawdling along way up high in the sky, who (of all people!) should chance to fly by but that old good-for-nothing bird, runaway Mayzie! Still on vacation and still just as lazy."

Now you have decide after 6 1/2 years that you want to be a "mom" again. I am assuming this is mainly due to the fact the you have no man in your life right now, and because he is old enough to take care of the day to day basics on his own.

" 'But it's MINE' screamed the bird, when she heard the egg crack. (the work was all done. Now she wanted it back.) 'It's My egg!' she sputtered. 'you stole it from me! Get off of my nest and get out of my tree!'
Poor Horton backed down with a sad, heavy heart..."

You take him back. Just like that. In our lives then, poof, gone. No notice, once again. I tell you some different things that I have figured out about Jacob and what needs to happen concerning school and such, you tell me you know your son better then I do, and that you aren't going to have the same problems with Jacob, insinuating that he gets his negative behaviors from being raised by me, that he won't act this way with you. You know how to parent.

Then you call me the other day, because the "honeymoon" period is over, and school is in full swing again, to complain about the way Jacob is behaving, and to tell me that although we have not seen him in months, he probably won't be able to come visit us, because of his behavior. Even though I miss him with every fiber of my being, I support you in this, because I always wanted you to support me in my parental decisions. Which seems to disappoint you, I think you just wanted an argument, wanted to hear the hurt in my voice. I won't give that to you. I do ask you to consider if this will help repair your relationship with him or hinder it, which you only get offended by. You went on to complain about the very things you scoffed at when I tried to talk about them to you, and to complain that he argues his point with you, has a voice, has a brain, stands up for himself, all things I admire (although admit are frustrating at times) and you can't stand. You tell me he is talking in a baby voice to you and you are going to put an end to it, I tell you that I think he is just working out some hurt, and you act all offended that I would say such a thing, as if you didn't abandon your child for years upon years. As if you didn't reject him even as a baby. As if you haven't always put your need above the very most basic needs of your children. You are, and I know now you always will be, in denial. You have created enormous amounts of pain for all three of your children, but admitting that would mean you would have to take a long hard look at what kind of a person you are, and you don't want to do that.

"But at that very instant, the egg burst apart! And out of the pieces of red and white shell, from the egg that he'd sat on so long and so well, Horton the Elephant saw something whizz! It had ears and a tail and a trunk just like his!"

He achieved more while living with us then your other two children were able to achieve living with you, much more. He is an amazing child. Brilliant. Deserving of a better mother then you. You want to blame all his issues on me, but you refuse to acknowledge the positive attributes that were instilled in him by me. He is a lot like me now, the good and the bad, and I know you can't stand that.

I hope that what I worked so hard to teach him will stick with him, during these next years with you and I hope, I dearly hope that he will come out an Elephant-bird.

"And it should be, it should be, it SHOULD be like that! Because Horton was faithful! He sat and he sat! He meant what he said and he said what he meant..."

So when you look at him now and you see an elephant with wings, don't be bitter, you left him for me to faithfully care for 100%.

Horton



*I'm sorry this is so long, I almost didn't publish is after typing it up, but I have been thinking about this a lot since he stopped living with us, and I am hurting, sad, insulted and angry and really needed to vent. I cried the whole time I typed this thing, cause I'm sappy like that. Horton Hatches an Egg happens to be my oldest sons favorite story right now, and I can't help relate it to Her and raising Her son, every time I read it. Bubu is often puzzled when he looks up and sees tears in my eyes, after reading him this story. I'm afraid he thinks his mommy is loosing her marbles! Unfortunately it isn't the first time and it won't be the last time he sees his mom cry over something seemingly strange.

Picking Pumpkins

Bubu likes the green ones :)
Cute pumpkin pose
Cute pumpkin pose.
Scary pumpkin pose. We woke Atty up from a nap and he wasn't interested in cute pumpkin poses. He also hasn't been feeling well, so sad.
Juicy's got an eye for perfect pumpkins!

Pumpkin patch family.
My lovely boys.
Atty just wanting to be snuggled.
It was a beautiful day and the boys didn't really need hats, I'm just a freak about bundling up the boys. Drives them crazy. In all fairness it was a cold morning, but had warmed up considerably by the time we hit the pumpkin patch.
My juicy littlest, such a doll. He had a lot of fun getting to wander around the pumpkin field for the first time.

Atty in a much better mood, almost his busy little self again, ready to pick out pumpkins, now that we have left the pumpkin patch!
Picking up pumpkins. He liked the really round ones and was calling them balls, almost threw a few, yikes!
Boys liked the chickens. So at this pumpkin farm there was suppose to be a "petting zoo" which actually consisted of two donkey in a pen, that didn't want you to pet them, two pigs in a pen you couldn't touch and some chickens in a pen. Not exactly a petting zoo. But the boys didn't seem to mind, they were just excited to see animals there. It was over all a really nice place. There were hayrides, train rides (not on a track, on wheels), face painting, food, a bouncy house, a huge field of pumpkins, a store with lots of goodies, a corn maze, and I think a few other things too. We didn't do a lot, because most of the other stuff required money, and we are practicing frugal living (well not really, but trying anyways) We have actually found quite a lot of fun things to do around here that don't cost much, just takes a little research. It's fun finding new favorite spots to go as a family. I'm glad we moved here. We went to a drive-in movie theater Saturday night, two movies and only the adults had to pay, and then only 6 bucks! There doesn't seem to be many drive-ins left. It was a lot of fun, and it's about the only way we can take the kids, at least for now. They just can't sit in chairs that long. In the van they were unable to bug any one else but us. And we are use to it! Plus they fell asleep by the 2nd movie, yeah!
Sitting on the pumpkins. Bubu wanted to push the wheel barrel, but he found out it was just a tiny bit to heavy.
All my favorite boys, J actually sat for a picture! We had a lot of fun with him this weekend. We miss him so much now that he is living with his mom again. The weekend wasn't long enough. When we went to pick him up Bubu was so excited, he kept saying "Cars get out of the way, we are getting uncle J." and "I'm so excited!" and the good 'ol saying "Are we there yet?" That last one was cute the first couple times, but it is an hour long drive, so it got a little tiresome after a bit. J lived with us for a long time, well over 6 years, but recently moved back in with his mom, and we are still adjusting to that. Any ways, it was a great day in the pumpkin patch and we found the perfect pumpkins to carve, bring on the fun!