~Yes indeed it was bitter sweet~

All together at last.I've been trying to find the words to express myself. I can't. The visit was beautiful and sad. It was overwhelming and brief. It was not enough...and to much. It filled my heart and left it aching. It made me smile and cry. It was as I thought bitter sweet. It was all these things and yet these words can't possibly describe what I felt during the visit. I feel like I can't even process it still. What I do know for sure is that seeing Atty with his bio brother together at last was a touching and beautiful thing...as well as sad beyond belief.
When Atty first saw him he just stopped and stared, suddenly shy. We have been talking about this visit for a while and I think the reality of it was a little much for him at first. But he warmed up fast and they were soon playing in the sandbox together. Sharing, showing each other things, working together, just like brothers do.

It was so sweet to watch. I tried to watch discretely, giving them space to get to know each other. It was hard not to snap non-stop pictures of them. As it is I took way to many...if that's possible.

They are so similar in looks and in behavior. It was amazing seeing these two acting so much the same way when they have been raise separately in two different families. Both his mother and I couldn't help marveling on all the similarities. They said some of the same phrase in the same way, moved in the same way, speech was similar, likes and dislikes along the same lines...it really makes you think about the whole nature verses nurture thing, environment verses genetic.

This photo touches me, two mothers raising brothers. Atty looked at this picture and said it perfectly..."Two Mommy's"...

We went to the zoo together on the second day and had a lot of fun. Here is a picture of Atty with his bio brother and family looking at the elephants. He really liked them and felt comfortable with them it was so sweet.

Saying goodbye was SO much harder then saying hello. It wasn't so much for me. I'm not sure how to explain myself on this. It broke my heart for Atty. It was so sweet seeing them together and watching them interact I just didn't want it to end, for him. I will of course miss him too, but we didn't really bond. I mean it was two very busy days and I didn't want to upset him by being to clingy or anything so I gave him his space. We interacted some and had fun together but I have to admit I didn't feel much of a connection, maybe because I was afraid to, because that would hurt to bad, I don't know. But what I did see was a connection to and a love for his brother from Atty and that, THAT, was hard to say goodbye too. I cried, on and off for the rest of the day and into the night. I really liked his parents too, especially his mom and I wish we had more time together then we did. I wish they lived closer instead of two states away!

My mom got to meet her grandson for the first time, this picture is so nice to see, both of the boys together with their Neenee.

Giving hugs as they depart. I saw a connection with these two and it was heart warming.

And now for the final good bye...for now. Until we meet again.

Love for a brother...and a friend.

Wow what a day!

Atty's Happy Day! So handsome...and beautiful. Headed to the courthouse. We shouted "Atty's Happy Day" all the way in, Atty was so cute, he'd laugh almost every time he said it. We were all super excited.

Ha, ha look at Spike...who does he remind you of?

Atty and Daddy. I really love this picture, my hubby had to entertain Atty away from the crowds while we were waiting because he was getting overwhelmed. He has a really hard time with crowds and loud noises.

Their favorite girl in the world..well besides their mother. ;)

More Atty and Daddy.

Atty and I waiting in the hallway. Doesn't he have the nicest smile.

Bubu just loves his Uncle B...they were having a serious conversation.

Ira decided it was time for a cat nap, silly boy.

Auntie L and my mom waiting in the hallway. The caseworker is in the back talking to Bubu, she was so sweet, such a nice lady.

My dearest friend and her newest baby girl, hubby and the boys sitting with their favorite girl. Getting to the courthouse on time and with all these little kids, priceless.

A picture with all of us and the judge (who happened to have the same name as Spike). There was NO way of getting a picture of everyone looking at the camera, so I just went with the one were Atty was actually (sort of) looking...that was not easy.

We went to a park afterwards to have a picnic and celebrate. I was so excited that my baby sister got to take her lunch break with us at the park! Isn't she a doll! I waited 10 years for a sister, she's my baby girl, no matter how old she gets.

Atty decided this tree needed to be climbed.

I made a bunch of posters of Atty over the last 2 1/2 years and put them up around this tree, the kids loved looking at them, it was really cute listening to the things they were saying.

Checking out the pictures.

A picture of me and my lifeline, this girl has been there for me through so much, I can't even imagine my life with out her. She is amazing. She was there the day Atty was placed with us, and she made sure she was there the day he became a permanent part of our family. Even though she has a six week old baby and a four year old daughter, had to drive for an hour and a half with a screaming baby and leave her house at the crack of dawn, and do it all on her own. She even brought food for the picnic. Seriously she's amazing.

*

It was a wonderful, exciting, emotional day. It was weird though how fast the actually adoption went, it took all of about 10 minutes in the judges chambers, a few questions and then he was signing the papers and all was done. After so much paperwork, interviews, caseworkers every months and on and on and on is seemed strange to have it all over and done with so fast. It was like the day he came to our home. Two caseworkers came, looked over the house, asked a few questions and left in less then an hour and there I was standing in my living room with a six day old baby in my arms. Surreal. I am glad I got to experience this though no matter how stressful it has been, and we can't imagine our lives with out him now, he makes our family complete. So there will be four, which to me seems like the perfect number of kids for our family. Couldn't have planned it better myself. It never stops to amaze me that God always has a better plan than me, I don't even know why I bother to continue to be a planner...my plans are so juvenile in comparison to his. He sees the bigger picture, and what a beautiful picture it is.

*

Oh and we finished the day off with an ultrasound, check out my last post...we are super excited around here!

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

So tomorrow afternoon on the same day as Atty's adoption I also have an ultrasound appointment. I took the whole day off (which never happens when you run an in-home daycare) so I figured I better schedule both in for the same day. It's going to be a busy exciting day. The adoption is first thing in the morning and then we are headed to a park with my close friend and some family members to celebrate with food and lots of pictures of Atty's last two and a half years. I put these big posters together on cardboard using a million pictures (or close to it) and wrote down different little facts out of his journal I kept for him. They turned out pretty cute. It's so neat to see him grow from little peanut to the bigger boy he is now. So after some time at the park, and it's suppose to be a nice (hot) day, we will be rushing back towards home to drop off the boys with their Neenee (my mom) at the house and hubby and I will then head off to my ultrasound. Which I am super excited about because I should finally be able to tell for sure whether this little strawberry is a boy or a girl. We have been going with girl for the most part because in the early ultrasound the tech and I were sure it looked like girl bits and pieces, but I was only 14 weeks along which is borderline for being able to decipher the sex of the baby. If we can't tell the sex of the baby this time around, if he or she makes it difficult to tell I might go crazy! I am not one to wait to find out what we are having, I like to plan. This day is going to seem like it lasts forever I can tell because I want it to be tomorrow already. Can't wait to tell you all about it!

Is there anyone else out there that thinks that tomorrow looks like a really weird word? Or is it just me...

He gave that honor to me.

Who ran to help me when I fell,

and would some pretty story tell,

or kiss the place and make it well?

My Mother.

Ann Taylor Becoming Atty's mother was a long emotional road for me. I didn't just receive that title because I carried him in my tummy...I didn't carry him in my tummy. I didn't receive that title when he was put in my arms at six days old. I was called his temporary emergency care relative by the State, otherwise known as his Aunt. I stayed his Aunt for months and months and months. As my love grew and I knew I would fall apart if he was taken from me I was still not his mother. We bonded, I cared for him as only a mother can, but I still was not his mother. I grew more and more possessive still knowing that at any moment the State could come and take him away from me. As my love grew into something absolutely undeniable, something they could not take away from me I secretly started to call myself his mother...but never out loud. Do you know who gave me the title of Mother? He did. That's the way it should be and that's the way it was. One day he just started saying mama to me and that was it. No more "Aunties here baby" it was finally Mommy... mama, mama, mama from then on. I didn't care if it bothered others. Or that there was still a possibility that he wouldn't be staying with us forever. I was his mom, he picked me and that was that. It is hard to be someones mother but not. It's hard to love and care for a child that his birth parents want but can't have. Especially when dealing with family. It was hard to call my mom's house and have my brother's broken voice answer the phone. It was hard to be accused by them of stealing their child when I was just trying to keep him in the family and not in foster care. It was hard, is hard. They get no closure to this. I at least know that in two days on July 2nd I will officially have the title of Mommy, he will legally be my son and I will not have to worry daily about my baby, who grew in my heart, being taken away from me. It will be bittersweet, but sweet nonetheless.

*

For you see, each day I love you more.

Today more then yesterday and less then tomorrow.

Rosemonde Gerard

...one last time...

WE

HAVE

A

DATE!

The adoption is almost complete. I got the call yesterday, two weeks until court, then everything will be finalized! I can hardly believe we are almost there. I am so excited! The whole process has been a seemingly never ending series of hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait, absolutely overwhelming.

So here's to hurry up and wait...one last time!

CHEERS!

Now my stomach hurts

Wowsers...things just got stressful with my heart child's adoption process (that we have been working on for 2 1/2 years now!) I just got off the phone with adoption support and it looks like, because of budget cuts, we won't continue to get the same amount of support we were counting on, much less actually. I've talked about my heart child before (I think you all know it's Atty by now, the adorable red head) and how his addition to our family was unexpected. He is my brother's biological child and they were unable to care for him, so he was placed with us at six days old and has been with us ever since. I didn't get 9 months to prepare, it wasn't part of our original plan, but plans change so often don't they? I got less then a week to prepare for the huge responsibility of raising another child, and although my husband and I don't regret it for a minute I would be lying if I tried to act like it didn't added a lot of financial stress as well as being overwhelming in general at times. We have been getting some financial assistants since his placement with us but now that the adoption is almost complete we have to beg our case in order to continue receiving any assistance. I'm not very good at that apparently. I guess I wouldn't be so stressed out about this if my husband wasn't laid off again and I wasn't on the brink of loosing my only full time child enrolled in my daycare because one of her parents is about to lose their job also. Daycare is one of the first things people cut if they can, and when you aren't working you aren't putting your child in daycare, I have had barely a call in the last year, which is nothing like the years prior! Stinkin' economy.

I can't really explain the whole situation so it probably seems like a petty thing to be worried about in the bigger picture, but none the less...I just needed to vent.

Which has made me feel a little better and since my hands were busy typing I stopped stress eating for a moment. Stress eating and being pregnant is not a good combination. Now the stress has turned into a stomachache (or was it all the food?) so I'm done for now. I have a lot to think about and figure out tonight, because I have to call the lady from adoption support back tomorrow at the latest, so I probably won't be sleeping much tonight. Whenever something is bothering me I can't turn my brain off, it's so irritating.

Ugggggg....I just want this all to be over and the adoption complete...I'm so tired of it.

Woo Hoo!

Guess what I got this last Friday?

I got a letter stating that our Home Study has been completed! Finally. So now we are entering the final stretch of this very long adventure. The adoption should be finalized soon. We have to get an attorney, and set a court date, and come up with some (lots) of money we don't have, but it will all be worth it as soon as we can put this part behind us and move on into our lives.

When I opened the letter I was half expecting to read something frustrating, something about some other form they needed or something that we needed to redo, so when I read that the Home Study was complete I shouting in joy and starting reading it out loud to my hubby and then I said "Woo Hoo", and Atty copied me! It was super funny. He was all excited too, we all were, we jumped around the house and cheered, the kids were really cute. Of course they didn't really know what's was going on, they just knew whatever it was called for a celebration.

It sure did.

Two years to the date...

Today's the day. Today is the day you came into our lives.

I felt like pasting the very first journal entry I did, soon after Atty was placed with us. It speaks so well to how I was feeling at that time, how overwhelming the whole thing was, and how loved he was from the moment I heard of his birth, before I even saw him, I knew that if he couldn't be with his parents, then his home was with us.

I changed a few things for privacy reasons.


February: Atty came to our house on February 9th when he was only a week old! He was a tiny little peanut. It was a surreal experience, two social workers came, they looked like they were my age or younger and they brought Atty with them. They stay for less then an hour, gave me a packet of paperwork, a little bag with a few belongings in it, checked the house, and left. We had less then a week to prepare for this, so there I stand with a tiny little baby in my arms, pregnant, and even with all the kids in the house making noise, everything for a moment seemed silent. So overwhelming. I just looked down at him, snuggled in my arms, and for a moment I panicked. Had I done the right thing, would I be able to handle it? But I knew I had because I couldn't imagine leaving him in foster care and possibly never getting to know my own nephew. I can handle anything I put my mind too, and that is what I will do. I know it’s going to be hard, the whole situation is difficult for everyone, but I want what is best for Atty. So innocent, so unaware. So deserving of love and happiness. I felt such a mixture of emotions staring at him after the case workers left. Little tiny fingers and toes, red fuzz for hair, little scrunched up face, just a peanut. Only weighed about 7lbs and seemed so tiny in comparison to how big Bubu was at the same age. I felt like I was in a daze. I stayed up late into the night just gazing at him, my brain swirling. We have settled in to a routine of some sort. Bubu is doing fairly well with the whole situation so far. I wonder how long he will be here and if (biological parents) will be able to get him back or not. They were pretty far out there when the state took custody of Atty, so we will have to wait and see. I am afraid for what Atty’s life will be like if they do get him back, because of their mental illnesses, but at the same time I know they love him and a little bit of me hurts for them. A lot of me is angry at them though, because they had been told that it was not a good idea for them to have a child because of their mental illnesses and that there was a good chance that the state would take there baby away, and they had one any ways. Now poor Atty has to grow up and face the choices his parents made, good or bad, and I don’t want him to suffer because of them. Also there choice made life more complicated for everyone involved, and I’m involved because I was the only family member the state was willing to place him with, so I had to step up or face possibly never knowing him and having him be lost in the system and maybe even adopted out. That would eat me up inside. I need to know I did everything I could to provide a safe and loving environment for this precious little baby. So that even if he can’t go back to his parents, he will still know his family and know that we cared about him very much and wanted him to stay with us where we could raise him and keep him as connected to his family as possible. So he knows where he came from and does not ever have to wonder about his roots. I just hope that if they do get him back it is sooner rather then later. It would be a lot harder if he was a year old verses a couple of months. The longer he is here I know the more we will become attached and connected and it will be so much more emotional to say good bye.

Just re-reading this brings tears to my eyes. It's been so hard not knowing if he is staying or going. For the whole first year we got no answers. Nothing is finalized still, that first September we started the adoption process, only on the hope that we will be able to adopt him. We have been told recently that there shouldn't be any reason why we can't, but the whole process is still slowly working it's way through the system. When he was little I would look at him and want to love him whole heartedly, yet I would feel like I needed to guard myself against possible heart break. As the months went by though it wasn't a choice, he had my heart, my whole heart. So the fear started, the fear that he would be removed from our home, that we wouldn't be able to adopt him, and that I wouldn't recover from that loss. My heart still lurches at the thought. I so desperately want this adoption to be finalized so I don't have this thought in my head anymore that I could be looking at him helplessly, while he is being taken away from me screaming, in the arms of an unknown caseworker. The other day a cop pulled someone over in front of my house, all I saw was the lights flashing and I immediately thought for a split second, oh no they have come to take him away and there is nothing I can do about it. Completely irrational, I know, but I live in fear right now. The older he gets the more desperately I want this thing finalized. I just want that piece of paper in my hand that gives me the right to say, "yes I am his mother, and you can't take him away from me." We have cared for his every need for two full years now, and you can't just come and take him away.

There is no way to end this post without sounding like a paranoid freak, but I think any mother faced with even the slimmest possibility of losing their child would feel as I do. I just want the security to say that my child is indeed my child. He was placed in my heart on February 9th 2007, and he has been growing in there ever since, it's time for things to be finalized people, it's time for him to essentially be "born"! It's time for me to be able to look into the face of my child and know that I kept my promises to him, the ones I made on that first night two years ago. The promise that I would always do what was best for him. No matter what. The promise that he was home if that is what he needed, and that he was loved, always loved. The promise that I would do everything I could to make sure he was safe and secure.

All I wanted for Christmas this year was...

So I have mentioned before that one of my boys is my heart child, I was blessed with him when he was only six days old. He is my brother and his wife's child by birth, so I would have been his aunt. Well I guess technically I am still his aunt, but I have been *mommy* for almost two years now, and we are adopting him, so it will all be solidified soon.

We have been working on the adoption process for what seems like forever now. It was looking like it would be complete by December, and I was so Excited because you Can't Get A Better Christmas Present Then That, but now it's NOT going to be complete tell some time after his second birthday. His birthday is in February, so that's not much longer but still it's so frustrating, it seems like a never ending process. I was just told that I have to redo paperwork, because the process has taken too long, that is just annoying.

It's all worth it, but I can't say that I would ever want to go through these never ending hoops of fire again. We were discussing maybe doing the foster to adopt thing one more time, but I don't think my sanity would stay intact. We contemplated taking the second child that they had right after my boy, but she ran away to Montana, and he ended up in a wonderful foster family there, that wants to adopt him. She is supposedly unable now to have any more children, but I guess time will tell on that one. His brother is really adorable, it's hard to know that my boy's have another brother (and yes I consider him a brother to all my boys too) that we have yet to meet, but I hope some day, by keeping in contact with them that this will be possible.

I understand why they have you do all that you do to adopt, but it does seem unbalanced. I mean anyone can have a kid (meaning there is no paperwork to fill out, no proving that you will be a good parent.) and unfortunately lots cannot raise them well or at all. Then there are many who want to adopt, but the process is so complicated and expensive that it makes it difficult to actually do it. Foster to adopt is less expensive, but just as complicated, if not more complicated. I know there really isn't any solution to this, and of course we have to make sure that the placement is safe for the child.

I can't help but feel right now though that the whole process if way more complicated (and Expensive!) then it needs to be.

One piece

So I felt like writing about my heart child. One of my children is not my biological child. He is actually my brothers child, but was placed with me when he was only six days old. The reason this is on my mind is because he is finally open for adoption. His parents have apparently signed away their parental rights. This wasn't expected, we all thought we would have to go to court. There was no way they would be getting him back, it would just have made things take longer. This is such a mixed feelings moments for me. A big part of me is so relieved because now we are able to make things official and adopt him. But there is a little part of me that feels sad for what his parents lost. I know it is really hard for them emotionally and it's also hard for them to understand the situation in general because of mental health issues. It's weird to feel happy for something that is so sad to them. They really do love him so much, but are completely unable to care for him, or even have unsupervised visits. I never planned on adopting, I mean it crossed my mind at times, but I figured I would never be able to because it costs so much. And I certainly never thought I would bring another infant into my home while I was five months pregnant with my 2nd child and had a 15 month old. But God always has a bigger plan then we could ever imagine. I remember the day so clearly. A few days prior I had completed a blur of paperwork, petitioned the court, and then waited what seemed an excruciatingly long time to hear the courts decision. I got the call that he was coming, the day before he came, and they asked if I was prepared. I answered yes, because I had all the material belongings they were looking for, but emotionally I do not think there is any way to properly prepare for such a thing. Two very young social workers pulled into my driveway and got out, one carrying a car seat and a small plastic bag that I was to learn was all of his belongings. They brought him in and set him, still asleep in the car seat, onto the coffee table. He was the tiniest little peanut, with a fuzz of red hair, all curled into his car seat, tiny little hands clenched in fists. I could barely focus on all the additional paperwork and on what the caseworkers were saying to me. Finally he woke up and looked at me, I thought he looked just like a wise little wizard, and I asked if I could pick him up. Holding him he felt paper light, weighing about seven pounds. Mind you my first child weighed ten pounds ten and a half ounces, and was built like a brick, so he really did feel light to me. I was almost scared to hold him. He was so wrinkly his own skin didn't fit him. The case worker stayed for about an hour, looked around the house and then left. It was surreal. There I was standing in my living room, with only a weeks notice that my life was going to change and I was going to be responsible for this new life. No nine months (which even that doesn't always seem long enough) to prepare that's for sure. My world felt like it was spinning. Thankfully my closest friend was there that day to help me with the daycare and this life changing event. I couldn't focus on anything else. I just kept staring at this baby snuggled in my arms, and I could feel my heart swelling with love for him that almost hurt. It was such a rush of emotions. Really overwhelming. I remember laying awake that night, just staring at him, how cute and tiny he was, and I knew right then I would do everything in my power to keep him safe for the rest of my life. He has grow in my heart, that is why I call him my heart child. And I feel like on the day we get to make it official and adopt him it will be like giving birth from my heart. He has grown in there since the day he was placed with us, and I can no longer imagine my life with out him, he is my son, my love and my everything. Seeing that he is legally ours with just solidify what I have already know, just like when you give birth. I think one of the hardest parts for me was wanting to bond with him, but being afraid that he would be taking away and that I wouldn't be able to handle that pain. In retrospect it wasn't a choice, we started to bond the moment we saw each other. At first I felt like I wasn't allowed to consider my self his mommy and I called my self Auntie. But as time has gone by, and as we started on the road to adoption, it felt more and more right to call my self mommy. I am his mommy, I know I am not his birth mother, there is no changing that, but I am the only mother he has ever known. The boys have grown up as brothers and at this point they know no different. I know some day there will be a time for explanations and I am scared of that part, because I am so worried about doing it the right way. I firmly believe that a big part of that is not keeping secrets, telling him the honest truth in an age appropriate way. There is also a baby brother born a year after the first child they were unable to keep, and he is in a different state (they couldn't keep him either, which is a whole different story). We talk about him together and look at his pictures up on our wall, and all the boys call him brother. I think it is good that they grow up understanding that family can mean lots of different things, and come in lots of different forms. But I get ahead of myself, I need to remember to take it one piece at a time and the piece I working on right now is finalizing this adoption!