Our trip to Idaho!!!

Ahhhhhhhh! I've been meaning to blog about our trip to Idaho for a couple weeks now! But with school in full swing right when we got back, I've just been struggling just to survive. ;) So without further ado... 

We decided to get up really, really early on Friday morning. We are talking 3:30 in the morning and we were on the road by about 4:30. It was Ryder's birthday, so what a treat for him. ;) Plus he did all the driving, what a trooper. The kids slept for a bit, and the grown ups watched the sun come up. We had an awe inspiring thunder and lightening show the night before, with massive rain and we also had a weather report of the same thing waiting for us in Idaho. Sadness. But we kept our hopes up. And I'm glad to say we were not disappointed!   

Wake up time! :) The sun is shinning and our hopes are starting to soar!

The mister driving on his birthday. Don't worry he opened his awesome present before we left, so he didn't totally get the sort end of the stick.

First stop after driving for 4 hours. Sun Lakes State Park. Breakfast time!!!

Dry Falls Look Out in Eastern Washington.

First family photo of the trip. :) My mom came with us, so we got quite a lot of family shots on this trip.  Bonus!

I know I was a bit obsessive with the sky shots, but with the weather report we had I have to say I was so freaking excited to see that blue sky!!! :)

None the less we {meaning my husband} made sure to secure the tent from rainy disasters. Last time we went camping my mom got drenched. This time... not a drop, and it did rain but nothing like they said it would and only at night. :)

Funny story though. We had packed the Suburban the night before so that we could just get in and go in the morning. Then we were hit with a crazy rainy storm that night. We took off the next morning, and it was still raining for a bit. Anyways by the time we got to our campsite {after about 11 hours on the road, counting stops} we opened up our carry all on top of the Suburban, and we got an ugly surprise. All of our sleeping stuff, the bags and pillows, were soaking wet. So much for thinking the carry all was water proof. Maybe for a light summer mist. Not for a pacific NW down pour. Luckily my hubby and mom found a laundry mat fairly close by. Ah, the fun of camping. :)

Our first morning, waking up relieved to be dry and safe. The weather was predicted to be severe thunder and lighting storms, wind and rain. So we had a lot to be relieved about. Living on faith. With a back up plan of a hotel. ;) The family we were meeting with ended up staying in a hotel the first night, they had a baby with them, and didn't want to take any chances. We didn't blame them, but we were a bit sad that we didn't get to see them right away. 

After breakfast we decided to check out the lake while we were waiting to see family. This girl decided to go wading in the beautiful green lake water.

Then she remembered that she would rather go wading in her skivvies. ;)

Then they all decided to join in. Mommy forgot to bring swim wear, oops. Luckily we had the lake mostly to ourselves. :)

Finally Atty's bio brother arrived! It actually took Atty a little while to warm up this time. He was a little overwhelmed at how much his brother looks like him and sounds like him. He told my mom it was like looking in a mirror.

But warm up he did, and they had a blast. :) It's so much fun watching them and listening to them play together. We are so lucky to be able to do this.

Got to have daddy snuggles. :) 

These boys are awesome together. And they had so much fun!!!

Trying to get a picture of Atty and his brother together, both looking at the camera is, well, next to impossible!!! Ha ha!

More lake fun, and this time mommy remembered swim wear! Yay me!!! ;)

These two were constantly working on something... :)

Joy!

I love his serious face. He use to look at me like this even when he was an itty bitty baby, so funny!

Oh man I adore her!!!

The boys decided they wanted to swim across this {little} section of the lake. So their Neenee went with them, they had life jackets of course. They were so proud of themselves, and it was super cute. :)

Daddy love.

This was a favorite at the play ground. It was hard to get them off of it!

My spunky monkey. Always pushing limits and testing boundaries. It will take you far son, but you drive a mother crazy. ;)

These two collect things where ever they go! Fascinating how similar they are in so many ways!!

His brother gave him a John Deer shirt, cuteness! Atty's brother is super into tractors and such. Atty, as most people know, is super into birds. They share their interests with each other, I love it! Atty brought his brother some Audubon magazines. His brother still carries around a robin {not a real one, don't worry, ha ha!} that Atty gave him a while ago. The adorableness has no bounds. :)

I just have to say I love this sweater, the hood on her is too much!  I just want to snuggle her up!!!

They played right in this spot, a lot! With tractors of course. :)

Group photo. Adoption has so many sides... this side of it, the side that brings families together. This side I love. My heart feels happy and full. I wish we lived closer together, but I will take it as it is. 

Neenee with her grandsons. :)

Me, my mom, and the brothers.

Brothers and cousins, but mostly brothers. :)

Banden's making the "seriously can we be done already" face. Ha ha! 

Silly face time!!!

And now for the time we all didn't want to face... saying goodbye. Leiella really loves M, it's so sweet. She's a truly wonderful person and all my kids adore her really. :)

Brother hugs... until next time. 

We went out of our way to stop here on the way home. Atticus cafe! With a bird! Beyond cool. :)

We even went in and bought a shirt {for a ridiculous amount of money}, exactly like the sign, bird and all. They only had adult sizes so we got him a small, and I told him he could wear it as pj's until he grows into it. Which at the rate he's been growing won't be long at all! If we ever go back around I just might have to get one in my size... which isn't small, ha ha!

Can you spot the tourists? ;)

Wild Horse Monument. Very cool. But hard to get a good picture of...

Lake Coulee in Eastern Washington, getting closer to home! :)

Once again we stopped at Snoqualmie Falls on the way home. Back on the right side of the mountains. ;) We love our lush greenery. Drippy, mossy, goodness. Can you tell we are all worn out. On the way back we only made two short stops, and managed to get home in about 9 hours. My kids are amazing road trip partners, I just have to say. :) 

So 2013 road trip I would say was a complete success, just like 2012... we have plans in the works for 2014! Don't know if it will include meeting up with Atty's bio brother on the trip, but they might come over here next year to meet up with us! I sure hope so. Our plan for next years road trip will hopefully include the redwood forest in California!  Up the Oregon coast, into California, and then looping back around. Dreaming big. :)

Now off to bed I go. Hopefully I didn't make too many mistakes in this post, I'm practically sleep typing. These long homeschooling days are draining me!! 

Actually I can't wait to share more about what we are doing this year, but that will have to wait. :)

Sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself.

I've been in a real funk lately.
 Maybe it is a problem with the combination of my supplements. Or the cleanse I've been taking. Maybe the supplements are not working and my health is not improving as I'd hoped. I do need to go back in for some blood work, it's over due.
What ever the reason I've been miserable. Mean. Depressed. Just don't feel good frankly. So very tired all day, and then can't sleep well at night. Which is beyond frustrating let me tell you!
I stopped one of my supplements for my mood because I felt like it wasn't helping like it was suppose to, and I've stopped the cleanse for now. I think I might feel a bit better. Not much, but a little is better then nothing at all.
The worse of it all is that I am really not enjoying being a mother and a wife right now. Which makes me feel guilty and sad. Which leads me further into depression. Sigh. I just feel taken for granted so often. Over worked, a shell of my former self. The same boring stuff day, after day, after day. I hardly get any breaks, my best friend moved away so I don't really have a get away partner. Ryder usually works so much that there's not much of a chance to get away and have me time, even if I was in the mood to hang out with myself alone. Which at this point doesn't sound as bad as it use to, ha!
 I've really had to fight a bitterness towards Ryder as well. Because although he does work really, really hard he also does have more of a freedom then me {and always has}. He gets way more time on his own then I do. Which he does deserve, after all he works himself ragged taking care of us. But so do I in a completely different way. Who is going to give me a break? It feels so selfish, but seriously, I need breaks to. Because he works long hours I take care of almost everything in the home, and in the yard. I take care of the kids needs, the planning, the errands, grocery shopping, appointments, the animals. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc... Repeat, repeat, repeat. There is no beginning or end to my work day. I also nanny to try and bring in some extra money, which adds to my work load and responsibilities. Add to that the fact that homeschooling is right around the corner. Which I'm excited about and dreading at the same time.
Some times I feel like he truly doesn't get it. How much work it all is, how hard it is to take the kids with me everywhere I go. I take them with to most of my appointments as well. I have been getting Chiropractic care and therapeutic massage because of the accident I was in. Try taking four young kids {some times even five or six kids depending on if I am nannying or not} to an hour massage and tell me how that works. Or grocery shopping, which for us means a giant cart full of food and nearly an hour in the store. He doesn't seem to blink an eye. Because I do it. Because I always have. Because I refuse to let any problem be too big. But that doesn't mean it's easy, or that I want to, or that I can continue at this pace indefinitely.
Which brings me to this... I thought that when he saw with out a doubt how my body was failing me that he would see how important it was to give me more support. I've been telling him for years how tired I am, but it was usually during a fight. And granted he can't really do a lot about it, as he's tired as well. Which makes it hard to be mad at him. Because it's not like he's sitting around drinking beer, watching TV, and not working. Being some sort of a no account bum. He's not, it's nothing like that. Not even remotely. Which makes me feel guilty for feeling so bitter about this. But I think if he was being truly honest with himself and less selfish he'd realize that although he would like to go out to his shop for a moment to work on something, or go fishing in a free moment, he should instead be supporting me. Asking me what I need help with. This is after all his home as well, and his children. It's not solely my responsibility. I don't mind pulling more then my fair share when needed, and Lord knows I have... but that's why I think he starts to take me for granted. He gets in this groove of me doing all the household/childcare stuff when he's working super long hours, and then when he has some spare time he doesn't take up the slack but instead takes time for himself, or works on big projects {which is awesome, but not especially helpful for the day to day stuff}, or goes fishing, or out with friends. A big part of me wants that for him, because he works so freaking hard and deserves to have free time. But the selfish, tired, overworked, lonely part of me wants his free time to be with us. With me. Helping, or doing fun stuff with us. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. So very alone. I'm tired of feeling like I have to beg him to do stuff with us. Having to get bitchy to get some help. Like right now he's been helping more, and putting in effort to show me that he's here... but that's because he can tell I'm mad and he knows he was in the wrong. So it doesn't feel right to me. And I'm still mad. And I don't want to be mad any more. Especially because when I'm mad and sad I don't make for a very good mommy.
We have been struggling with this same topic for years now, before we even had kids when we were raising his little brother. There never seems to be a good solution. I try to find happiness in what I do, and I try to see the situation for what it is, two very overworked people who want some more free time. I try so hard not to take it out on him. But when I shake it all off it settles down to me being lonely. He doesn't seem to get that over all I just want more time with him. And if I let that go, in order to not be mad about not getting it, then what do we have left? Emptiness. And that makes me sad. I know it doesn't need to be as desperate as all that, but it feels like it right now. Which brings be back to what this post started out with. I don't feel good. And I guess I'm just not coping well right now. And I am taking it out on him for sure. I do still know that no matter what there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and life has a way of working itself out. It's just that sometimes walking towards that light seems so daunting and especially tiring. So at this moment I'm sitting in the dark, feeling sorry for myself, and I'll get up soon. Give me a break.