Where's the oobie fairy?

I think my little girl is going to be hard to wean...

I've never made it this far with any of the boys, I always got pregnant again and it was uncomfortable to nurse them and made me feel super grumpy so for both of our sakes I always weaned them to a bottle. Then at two the bottle fairy always came and took the bottles, left a treat, and that was the end of that. Not happening that way this time and I am at a loss. Part of me wants to wean her and another part of me doesn't really care just yet. She hardly nurses, just once before nap time and once before bed. I tried cutting out the nap time one today because she just turned two and I figure I should start in that direction. But she started crying and saying "sorry mommy, sorry mommy" and it killed me. Seriously, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I kept telling her there wasn't anything to be sorry about, that she didn't do anything I just wanted her to take a bottle and we would snuggle, but she was heart broken. I teetered on the edge of being hard hearted about it and firming my resolve, but I just don't care enough yet to do that. So I nursed her and she was so sweet and happy and then fell blissfully to sleep. Which is so much better then what would have happened if I had continued to insist on a bottle. There is a huge part of me that feels guilty nursing Lala longer then I did her brothers. If I wean her now then it's not too much different then it was with them, but if I take a more relaxed approach {Which is what I was planning on doing with all of them before the whole pregnant while breast feeding thing got factored in.} I feel like they didn't get a fair deal and it makes me feel bad. Not that the reasoning really makes any since or should be a consideration for her... but there it is in my mind none the less... What's a girl to do? She's my last baby and I just don't feel as rushed with her as I did with the boys. With them, in retrospect, I was so rushed and strict about what happened when... keeping them all on the same schedule, doing it all the same. But with Lala it's all been different, some in little ways, others in big ways. I don't know if it's because she's a girl, or she's the last, or I'm just tired and more lazy. I'm definitely way more tired... and old. I guess I've just relaxed more on some things and don't feel so uptight about it all any more. Either way, she is not going to be an easy one to wean, because she plays me like a fiddle, and because I just don't really feel this big push to wean her this time around... Not saying I'm going to nurse her until she's five or anything, I guess today is just not the day. And neither is tomorrow...

I'd have to say that the bottle fairy makes things a whole lots easier!

Where's the oobie fairy when you need her?

{Oobie is what all my kiddos have called nursing.}

Birthday party madness!

I'm thinking these pictures shout it loud and clear...
Cute little birthday girl!

Reading her card from her brother, so sweet...

Lala made this face over all of her presents this year, really adorable!

Make a wish my little strawberry shortcake...

To the moon! {or where ever super cuties go...}

Awesome dress up birthday party with friends!

Love these girls, the girl in pink I started watching her when she was three months old! Wow time flies!!!

Birthday present aftermath.... ahhhhhh!

Such sweet gifts, and such wonderful friends!

Happy birthday and a fruit pizza to you!

The big two year old sporting her new red shoes! She's lucky to have an Auntie that always keeps her stylin' ;)

Lala even got to end all this birthday party madness with a sleep over with her bestest friend... I'm thinking that was the best part.

My little two year old had one amazing birthday!

{Well actually two celebrations...}

I blinked, why do I keep doing that?

She's two! I can't believe she's two! My baby turns two today!!!I couldn't have dreamed up a more brilliant, beautiful, wonderful you. You brighten our lives with your wild self, your sassy silly attitude. The stuff you say blows me away, the games you come up with, the things you do. All that you have accomplished in two short years. I say short because truly it feels like I blinked.

How do I have a fully potty trained, speaking in sentences, independent thinking little girl... where did my baby go? My last little baby. When did the rolls disappear, you're not even a round little toddler any more. I have a tall, skinny, leggy little girl now and I just don't see how that can be possible. It seems the harder I try to hold on and make things slow down the faster they go... I'm trying not to be sad about it because I love watching you grow... but all I have now of the baby years is pictures. You've all grown up on me. My babies, no longer babies...not even my last little one.

Bye-bye baby years, hello to the big kids. Good thing I have lots and lots of pictures.

"I am a puppy!"

This girl is convinced she is a puppy! She loves all things puppy, she pretends she is a puppy, she talks about puppies all day long... She found an old pair of pj's that once belonged to a brother and she wants to wear them every single night now, actually she wants to wear them all day long as well.I would say it's adorable, except she takes it a little too far. You see my girl is potty trained {thank goodness!} and wears undies all day long, keeps her diaper dry at night, totally and completely potty trained... except for one little thing. She likes to poop in the back yard... like a puppy. Yes, you read that right. I am at a loss for what to do. It's getting pretty ridiculous. A couple days ago I caught her once again getting ready to poop in the yard and I said the first thing that came to mind. "Leiella you are not a puppy! You don't poop outside, you poop in the toilet!" To which she replied "I am a puppy!" What followed was a never ending argument about whether or not she was a puppy... yeah it wasn't my best moment. But seriously, you are not a puppy. I'm all about kids using their imagination, but there is a line... and pooping in the yard crosses my line. Big time. I do not like doing poop checks in the backyard when I don't even own a dog! Never imagined as a parent hearing my boys shouting "MoM, Lala's pooping in the yard again!" Good Grief. I've given up on convincing her she is not a puppy and instead I'm working on convincing her that even puppies get potty trained... not that I've ever seen a dog use a toilet, but hey I did say I'm all about imagination right!?!

Let it go... but keep the beauty.

Yesterday a very nice older gentleman came over and measured our playroom for carpet. {So excited!} He ended up being here for over an hour talking my ear off! I was actually already told that he was a talker, and boy was he! Over all he was very nice, but there was one comment he made that hit me hard. It was made when he glanced at our wedding picture above the cabinet. See I was pregnant when I got married. So he saw it and commented on the fact. He was just one of those guys that says what ever he's thinking and it wasn't meant in a mean way, but it hurt all the same. Because I know that others have wondered the same... if Ryder and I got married simply because I was pregnant. And it bothers me. I feel like I need to explain my wedding picture every time some one notices it. I feel like I need to tell people that we met when I was 15. That we were together, and dedicated to each other for years and years and years before we got married. That it was me not him that had hang ups about getting married. That he proposed to me before I was pregnant and we had already picked a date... so we stuck with it even after I got pregnant before the wedding. That there was no shot gun involved.
I hate that I feel this need to justify and explain my wedding day. It was one of the most beautiful days of my life, held second only to the first time I held each of my children in my arms and gazed into their little faces. {So I guess technically it's 5th?}

I've had people assume that we had a little wedding at the river because I was pregnant. Like I was hiding out or something. We had a little wedding because it was perfect for us. That's it. We got married at the same place Ryder proposed to me, and we had the people who were the absolute closest to us at the time at our wedding and that's all we felt we needed. Not that we didn't love everyone else, we just didn't want everything diluted with all the pomp and fuss that goes into a big wedding. It was already planned that way and had nothing to do with being pregnant.

I look at these picture and I remember how I felt and how everything seemed perfect. Flooded with love. Marrying the love of my life, and being pregnant with my first born, I was overflowing with good feelings. I hate that I do often wish I wasn't pregnant in my wedding photos now, that I feel embarrassed about it. Because of the comments and looks. It takes away from those really good feelings, and I hate that. I really do.
It sometimes makes me want to cry. I shouldn't want to cry when I look at my wedding photos. I shouldn't let what other people think bother me so much. But I do, that's just me.

How can I though, looking at these pictures? You can see the love, the excitement. I know the truth, the reasons. I need to let the rest go.

I need to embrace these photos and see them for what they are... photos of a very happy, very pregnant women marrying the only man she has ever loved. Living a dream.
Yes we were together for 11 years before we got married and we are still together 7 years after getting married and we love each other just as much. If not more. And that if you ask me is beautiful.

I need to let it go. Maybe I'll just put a different wedding picture up, one of just our happy shining faces so that I no longer have to deal with comments from people who don't understand. But then I feel like I'm trying to hide the fact that I was pregnant and I don't make apologies for that. I don't regret that, not one tiny little bit.

Feeling my son kicking around in my tummy and being with loved one, everything felt so very complete and perfect and whole.

If I'm being perfectly honest the only thing I truly regret is that I looked as big as a house in my wedding dress... but that's just vanity talking. :)

Another {birth} day has passed

Sigh.

I'm not even going to pretend I feel good about it, because I don't. Yes I'm thankful to be here on earth and with my family, yes I want to enjoy every minute of that. It's just the getting old part that's getting to me. The little things.

Last night at the grocery store I had Leiella with me at the check out stand. She started to throw a fit about some thing and so I crouched down to talk to her. The check out lady interrupted me and when I looked up she said "oh I just wanted to see your face" and in her hands was a bottle of wine. Apparently one glance at my face told her all because she most certainly didn't ask for my ID.

I've got greys I need to cover and 20 extra pounds I need to lose and I'm not feeling so good about my aging self. There doesn't seem to be a spare moment in the day that I can take for me. This last year and a half with all the craziness of Atty's health issues, his diet and having a baby {who is still not totally weaned by the way} plus the fact that I have four little kids to raise... well lets just say I've let myself go in a lot of ways. And I'm feeling kind of sad about it, but I seriously don't have the energy to do anything about it, I hardly have the energy to take a shower. So I really shouldn't complain, but complain I will because this is my blog and well getting older is hard. For me. I recently glanced at my reflection in the window of our van while pumping gas and I could spot all sorts of new lines, and my face just looks old. Some where along the way it lost it's youthful look and I'm really not quite sure when that happened. I don't feel old enough to look this old, well that's not totally true some days I feel ancient. Okay most days I feel ancient. Bleck. I guess I should look this old.

I went and got some henna for my hair so that's a little step. Haven't had a spare moment to put it in though, that's a whole different thing. But I have it, so that counts right? I also talked to my husband and he told me to go ahead and get the Curves membership I've been dragging my feet about. I hate to spend extra money like that but I really don't like going on walks by myself and work out video were just so not working. The moment I'd put one on every one of the kids would need something different, or they'd start getting into something or whatever. It just wasn't working. We don't have anywhere to put exercise equipment, so I've ran out of options. I don't want a gym membership, had one to many experiences with creepy guys at gyms, course now that I'm old it might not be such a problem any more... hummmmm. In all seriousness I'm going to try and force myself to join Curves {I like the all women thing} I did it after I had Bubu and thought it was wonderful. I do hate signing up for memberships though, guess I need to get over that if I don't want to be 20 lbs over weight any more.

Maybe I'll just end up one of those bitter old ladies that is over weight but doesn't do anything about it and just complains all day. Fun.

One week down... the homeschooling has begun!

Our school year has started... and I've already had a melt down, ha ha! We took a day off after our road trip and started on a Tuesday instead, even so Tuesday hit me like a ton of bricks and all the sudden I felt totally overwhelmed. This is the first year I've done Kindergarten with anyone, I've always taught preschool in the daycare and last year I did preK with Bubu which is just a little step up from preschool so it didn't really phase me. This year there are a lot more subjects to cover in more detail and something about that threw me off. Also I think it will take a while to get into the groove of things and everything just felt really forced and unnatural. Add in to that two toddlers who weren't use to the change yet and wanted to climb all over me and do what Bubu was doing and two more kids who wanted in on the action and I just really felt the whole thing spelled disaster. Thankfully it's gotten better since then...There is always an adjustment period when you change a schedule with children or throw new things in. Our daycare schedule hasn't changed but with the added home school schedule for Bubu thrown in there it's definitely changed our day. After that first day and a melt down the next morning just thinking about starting the day, I've made some changes and things have gone a lot smoother.
The problem was mostly me, as usual. I'm afraid of failure. Always have been, so much so that it's held me back in life in a lot of ways. It hit me all the sudden that I could fail big time with this and I sort of froze up for a moment. I let it overwhelm me and started doubting myself and my ability to teach my children. I had to take a step back, speak with my husband and some homeschooling friends and supporters, and get my perspective back. I know that homeschooling fits our family best, at least at this moment, and so I am willing to throw myself whole heartedly into it.
I've also made the decision not to take on another daycare kid even if a good opportunity presents it's self. In fact I feel at this present moment that I am done taking on any new families ever. My current family is planning on having one more and I only have one more available opening anyways so I will be open to watching a second child of theirs and that's it. Even so that leaves about seven more years of childcare. That's enough for me. Hopefully at that time I will be able to stop daycare and focus on my children's schooling alone. At that time I will have ran a daycare for about 14 years! It will be hard for me to call an end to my childcare but I have a feeling it will be the best decision. If it wasn't for the love I feel towards my little daycare kid and my desire to watch him {and the fact that the family is a blessing to work with} I would call it quits now, even though that wouldn't be the wises financial decision. But he really does fit into our family dynamic well and so it doesn't add in a lot more stress then say my daughter alone. The only issue is the work it takes running a daycare and following all the daycare protocol as well as keeping my house in running order and cleaned up enough to open each day. That is actually the most stressful part for me right now. Sometimes I just want to be able to relax the schedule a bit, or leave the kitchen a mess in order to work on something with the kids, things like that. But I can't and that is what overwhelms me the most and causes the anxiety I feel. I hate feeling behind or having to rush to catch up, and I feel like my days are consistently like that right now. All those down times I use to spend cleaning and catching up are now spent teaching... where do I fit in the cleaning with out driving myself mad and staying up until midnight?
All that being said I do love teaching my children. It's exciting. And when I let go of the other stuff and focus on that it's a lot of fun!
We have some really great materials this year. I pieced together a kindergarten curriculum for Bubu for this school year but next year we will be using the full Sonlight curriculum. If I was braver and more confident I would love to put my own curriculum together, but for now I will rely on a really great program to do that for me. :) That way I know for a fact that every thing that needs to be covered is in fact being covered. There is a lot of book reading and less work books and text books in this curriculum so I feel that it fits our family well.

I spent some time organizing a corner of our playroom to fit our needs. I've changed it around a few times since then and it still doesn't feel perfect but it's almost there. The kids have easy access to the things they need and their own spaces for their school projects and papers. I have space for everything I need and it flows pretty well.

I organized and rearranged our art shelves in the laundry room, which is right next to the playroom. I made room for each kid to have their own shelf for their school work and such. I was going to move this into the playroom but for now I think it might be best out of the way {and out of the hands of the little ones}. It's easy enough to get to.

I posted Bubu schedule so that it was easy for me to see and know what comes next. I've already changed it a few times to make the day go smoother, it's all a learning process. I have the bulletin boards all prepared, although I might move them closer to the learning corner. I do wish that the school corner was a bit more separated from the play room but there really isn't anything I can do about that right now, and I also need a table and chair set up that is better for little kids, so that their feet can touch the floor. That I just have to figure out here in the next few weeks, maybe find a shorter table/chair set up or just make the current one shorter... not sure yet. Our school day right now is from 8:30 to 3 at the latest, broken up by breaks and snack/lunch. We are doing a 4 day schedule with Fridays used more freely. Sometimes they will be used for bigger projects, or any catching up that needs to be done. Sometimes we might just take a Friday off to enjoy the sunshine, or take a breather. Maybe even use them to go on a field trip. Who knows, but for use the four day a week works best for now. You'd be amazed by how fast you can cover a subject with just a kid {or four}.

So there you have it, our first week. The ups and downs and all. :) I will try to post more about our year, mostly so that I can look back on it all, hopefully with fondness. ;)