the gift of memories

A few weeks ago we go some family photos taken by Kristin Harris Photography. She was such sweet lady and I love how the photos turned out! We've never had family photos done before and I really didn't want studio photos, they always look so stiff to me. Kristin met us at a local park and she was so relaxed and fun that it was easy and comfortable to do a photo shoot with her. Normally we are a shy family and I was afraid she wouldn't be able to capture the "real" us. I was so excited when I received the disk and realized that indeed she did, and wonderfully. {I have permission to print the pictures, so I'm assuming posting is okay too, I hope.} Seventeen years and counting. And I'm still madly in love, with extra stress on the madly part. :)

I wasn't sure if I liked this one or not, but when my husband saw it he really liked it. He said, "it's my beautiful girls". So now I think of that every time I see this picture and it warms my heart.

This is one of my favorites. Sometimes I can hardly believe we have four beautiful little kids. We were together for so long before kids and then it seems like we blinked and there they all were. We are still amazed and often shake our head in wonder as our eyes met, often over the chaos of our children. If we do nothing else big with our lives, except raise these wonderful children, I will still feel truly blessed. I look forward to the day we are old together and are surrounded by our grown children, and their children. Ryder has told me many times that from the beginning he envisioned us old together sitting on a porch swing holding hands, and that's how he knew I was the one. When I think about our future I see that very thing as well.

Beautiful, this girl of mine.

This is another favorite of mine, just because of the reality of it. Not a single one of us is looking straight at the camera, we are all caught up in each other, love that.

I never feel like we are a big family, but looking at the pictures I realize that we are definitely not a small one either, so I'll go with some where in the middle. :)

I LOVE this one.

So sweet, all of them holding hands. Team Rivers!

Love Atty's smile in this one. Another great shot of the family as well.

A daddy and his boys.

... and a mommy and her girl... :)

A great shot of my littlest boy, isn't he so handsome and couldn't you just fall into those big blue eyes!

That smile just takes over his face and lights up his eyes! And those curls, and red hair... oh my!

The sweetness of this boy just shines though this picture. My oldest, wise little man.

Love the smiles on every ones face {except Lala, she was woken from a nap and didn't warm to picture taking readily} but frankly she's cute smiling or not.

Brothers.

Absolutely love.

Atticus brought his favorite birds as a distraction. He doesn't always do well in these sorts of situations, but he ended up surprising us all. At first I was wishing that he didn't have his birds in all the photos, but when I got the pictures I changed my mind. I love this photo, it shows his love of birds and his personality and it will be a favorite of mine for all time.

So there you go, amazing photos from an amazing photographer. And the whole thing was a gift from a wonderfully sweet daycare mom. An absolutely thoughtful gift, that I will treasure forever.

Four on a log

Some times I can't believe I have four happy, healthy, and adorable kids.I've been trying to up load these amazing photos we had taken of our family but they won't upload. The photographer sent the disk to me with a release form to print them so I thought I would also be able to put some on here, not sure why it's not working. I'll have to trouble shoot later. For now you get one silly picture of my kids down at the river, one of their favorite places to play. :)

Birthday party melt down, no not my child... me.

I had a total melt down on Saturday.

Let me rewind.

So Spike didn't get a birthday party in June, around his birthday, because Atty had his Seizure Free celebration and there were a million other things going on. I promised him one this month as it seemed really important to him this year. It seems he often feels skipped over and in reality he often is in some way or another. At least it feels that way to me, my husband thinks I'm a bit over sensitive on the topic. But he has been overshadowed many times by Atty and Atty's health issues, and I think that the fact that they're only four months apart makes it even more complicated. I could got further into the many different reasons I feel the way I do about this but this post isn't really about that. It was part of my melt down though, those feelings. By the day of the party I was feeling pretty frustrated because almost every single one of the friends he had invited couldn't come for one reason or another. I wasn't frustrated with them, but frustrated things were turning out that way. I really wanted the day to be extra special for him. He doesn't really have many friends, as most of the kids gravitate towards Bubu because he's so out going and friendly were Spike is shy and quiet and has a tendency to pester when he feels left out {which is often}. We were having a melon party, and had worked together to make the decorations and clean up before the party. My kids were very excited because we were going to have a watermelon eating contest. I continued to act upbeat even though it started to seem pointless as hardly any kids were going to come. I kept hanging on to the fact that surely my dearest friend would show up with her two girls. Even if it wasn't his choice in friends {just because they are girls and well he's very into boy things right now, plus the oldest is Bubu's dearest friend and the youngest is a baby}, it was better then no kids. Then she called to cancel. And I fell apart. It left a baby cousin and a baby I watch in my daycare, plus adult family members for guests. Which I was excited about, but wasn't much for Spikes birthday party, friend wise. My heart just broke thinking about how it must make him feel that not a single friend would be showing up to his party. He had diligently helped with the decorations and planning, chosen the guest list and talked non stop about this party for the last month. And not a single friend was coming. There wasn't a thing I could do about that and I felt hopelessly frustrated. I sobbed in my husbands arms {in private of course} because I had wanted so desperately for Spike to have his special day. We've made such a fuss about Atty lately with celebrations for this that and the other and I wanted Spike to feel some of that too. While I was in the middle of falling apart my dear friend called back an told me that she rearranged her schedule and was coming after all. She knows my feeling about Spike and she has seen how he sometimes gets skipped over and didn't want to leave us hanging. I love her dearly.
So I dried up my tears, pulled myself back together and continued on. I had a gentle talk with Spike about why most of his friends weren't coming and he took it in his normally reserved manner. I reassured him that he could still get together with those friends at a different time. I told him that there were still people who loved him dearly coming that wouldn't miss it for the world and that was what mattered most. He asked is we could still have the watermelon contest, which made me smile. I hugged my littlest boy close and breathed in his sweetness. In the end love is all that matters and I love him so much it hurts.

We had a fabulous party, which included some awesome snakes as presents {not real thank goodness!} he could not have been happier. Well yes he probably could have if one of them had been real, ha ha! We played games, blew bubbles and colored with chalk. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves entirely and it all worked out. As it usually does when I give up trying to control every little thing and focus on making the best of the situation.

And we most definitely had the watermelon eating contest. :)

My camera ended up dying on me though, of course. Seems to always happen at the worst times. I didn't get any pictures of him and his birthday cupcakes, but he was cute and glowing when we all sang happy birthday to him.

I wish I didn't have a guilt button with him as big as a mountain, but I do. You are probably thinking what in the world is this women's problem? I'll admit it seems as if I'm totally over reacting. But I just can't explain the feelings I have when it comes to Spike. To see one of your children struggle so much more then the others, and to have things never seem to end up even or fair drives me crazy. I feel like he hurts inside and it's not one big thing, it's a million little things that I can't change. I constantly feel like I do everything wrong with him, while I'm trying so hard to do it right. He is a hard one to understand, so bright beyond his years, so complicated. I don't worry so much about my other kids, but I constantly worry about him. Constantly. And I'm so sensitive to everything concerning him. I wish I understood better why I feel this way about him and I really wish I didn't feel like there is a reason why I need to worry so much about him. My husband says maybe it will end up that Bubu is the one we have to worry about, he has a way of changing my perspective like that. If only I could give up worrying in general, but it is what I do best...

And shine she does

She is hilarious.Seriously... Seriously funny. I can not believe how fast she is growing up! How brilliant she is. The things that she says some times make my jaw drop. My heart aches for the baby she is leaving behind though. I see little glimpses now and again and that's it. It's proving really hard for me to let go and admit that my last little baby is growing up. I can't really call her a baby anymore and hardly a toddler! With her 5-6 word sentences, her independent nature, her drive to keep up with her brothers. She is not one to be coddled that's for sure {not that I coddle, but I do have to fight the urge with her sometimes} she lets me know in no uncertain terms that she is capable and demands that I let her grow up. Sigh. She is a little me, and so I understand and I swallow the urge to keep babying her and I step back and let her shine.

And shine she does, like the brightest star in the sky, or the prettiest fish in the sea. She's one of a kind sparkly, my girl. And I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter. ;)

Snakes and such

I took the kids to the Reptile Zoo last Saturday. They LOVED it, almost more then the regular zoo I do believe!There were all kind of amazing creatures there. Turtles, snakes, lizards, alligators, even spiders and frogs.
There were actually two sections to the place, it's a good thing we had met up with friends there that knew all about it or we might have left only seeing one side. It would have still been cool, but not nearly as amazing as the whole thing!

Ira was quite the snake charmer! Seriously. And he was super into everything there, especially the snakes. No fear at all just a lot of curiosity. Good thing we don't have poisonous snakes in our area.

We got to met up with these wonderful friends for a fun filled day. {Melody also has an awesome blog, check it out!} After the zoo we went to a park for a picnic and a nature hike as well as playing on the play equipment. {We had so much fun that the day just flew bye and before we were ready we had to say goodbye.}

They even got to hold some snakes, boy were they excited! {Can't say the same for myself...} Atty was a little bit distracted, he gets overwhelmed easily so he couldn't focus very well but I still got a few photos of him and he held the snakes for a moment before moving on. I was just glad he held it together and didn't have a melt down. That use to be a big problem with him, but it actually hasn't happened in a while thank goodness.
He's just really scattered and wanders around randomly from thing to thing, it's hard to keep an eye on him and can be sort of stressful at times, especially because he is very impulsive. I caught him trying to lift a lid of a spider cage when we were there, yikes!

Spike's face just glowed the whole time we were there, he was really into the whole experience. :) {I just hope he doesn't some day ask for a "pet" snake, ack!}

Bubu was also really excited about the whole thing, and so gentle with the snakes, a bit more timid then Spike but just as willing to hold them.

A bowl of snake anyone?

Atty in awe.

There were the most adorable frogs in here! My favorite part. I prefer things with out strong jaws, sharp teeth, venom and the ability to strangle you. But maybe that's just me.

Bubu's super excited face. :)

At the end I decided to spring the extra so that the kids could hold the big snake and get their picture taken. I'm glad I did {not something I would normally do being the frugal lady I am... some would say cheap or stingy, ha ha!} it ended up being the highlight of the whole trip for the boys and Lala was really excited too. She had no fear of this thing what so ever! I had to keep stopping her from trying to pet it's face.

Spike did not want to give it back. At all. I think he could have hung out with it all day! He was very excited to get a chance to be on the head end for a moment.

Such a great experience. I really had to swallow my fears and enjoy the moment with my kids. My husband was not as excited to see the kids so close and personal with the snake, when I showed him the pictures he was less then thrilled, ha ha! At one point when they were holding the snake it started to wrap back around Bubu's neck and he said "Mom it's trying to hug me!" Um yes son that's what it's trying to do... sure. I just smiled and nodded while unwrapping it, quickly. Why take that special moment away with the reality that snakes don't hug. Bubu told everyone, all day long, that the snake liked him so much that it tried to give him a hug and it was because he was so gentle with it. Sweetness.

The only thing that had the potential to ruin our visit was the rude girl that worked there that had no customer service skills what so ever and lacked in class in a big way. She was pretty nasty and I really had to bit my tongue and let it go, some thing I'm trying to get better at.

All in all is was a superb day and we hope to go back again soon, the kids really want to bring their daddy next time... I can't wait to see how that goes. :)

Emotions tied up in a song

I identify so strongly with this song. Word for word. I can listen to it over and over again. The emotion in her voice takes my breath away. I think of my life, what I've gone through and then I think of my husband and how he saved my life. I'd be lost with out him. This song is so tied into my life it's like I wrote it, but I could never write something so eloquent. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful.

Listen to it as loud as you possibly can, close your eyes and feel it. Does it speak to you as well?

Good Grief...

Banden spent some time tonight examining my face, he had all kinds of comments and questions. One of his comments was "mom you have a really big nose, but I like that, I like that about you". Ha ha ha... oh my. Great self esteem booster.

Speaking of self esteem I am struggling with my weight right now. One minute I feel really down about it and the next I just don't want to care about it. I'm a healthy person and that's really what matters the most. But. But. But. Sigh. With all the stress and the focus on Atty's health issues and his MAS diet, with Leiella almost done nursing and my cycle coming back {not that you needed to know that, but OMGoodness do I crave sweet food like crazy once a month, it's ridiculous!}, with four children and a daycare to run, with a house that turns messy in the blink of an eye, I just don't have the time or the energy for me. I really don't. I want to but I just don't. I mostly just need to make time to really workout, but making that time ends up on the end of a really long consistent to do list. A lot of the stuff on that list can not be changed or ignored so me myself and I end up on the waiting list. That's just were I am in my life right now. I know that there will be a time when I will have moments where I can do things like work out or really take a break for me, but now is just not the time. I frustrate myself with feeling down about my weight. Because I don't want to fall victim of the "must be the perfect mom, women, daughter, wife" thing. There are so many pressures piled against us that I don't want to be my own worst enemy and I hate seeing other women that are obviously buying into it and stressing themselves out over it. My husband truly doesn't care, and I really shouldn't be so vain. Who am I trying to impress? But as much as I say all these things in my head I find myself dwelling on it on and off all day long, and now I find myself writing about it, so obviously it's bothering me a great deal. I've been trying to change the way I eat, and also my portion sizes because now that Leiella is hardly nursing I don't need as many calories as before. I've been pregnant or breast feeding for the last 6 years so I really have to change my eating habits. Get back to normal portion sizes. And I have to get a handle on this cyclic eating I've been doing, good grief. My first cycle I gained about 15 pounds, I kid you not! That's in one month people, yikes! It's not that bad any more but that was a nasty wake up call. Anyway I don't really need to go on and on about it, I just needed to get this out. It helps me to write things down some times and then I tend to stop dwelling so much.

On a happier note I was also told tonight by my cute little boys that I am beautiful, that they love my hair and freckles and that I have nice eyes. Sigh. They are sweet just like there daddy. Apparently this girl needs a lot of nice comments... and they have no problem handing them out. :)